I'm glad that you are waiting, even if only for a day. I hope that tomorrow you can find a reason to wait a bit longer, too. Please keep posting here and talking to us..
I understand how exhausting it is when you keep getting knocked down everytime you pick yourself up again. I know you don't feel up to rebulding your life -
now. You're in a dark place at the moment, and the cruel thing about feeling like this is that you can't conceive of ever being okay again. I promise you though, that you won't always feel like this. One of my favourite quotes seems very apt now:
"This too shall pass."
It is so true. Nothing lasts forever, while we are still alive. Things change, dark times pass, and you
will feel stronger and more able to move forwards in time.
You say "I don't want to die" and "I want to leave pakistan, make my life somewhere else". This gives me hope, and it should give you hope too! I know it seems impossible at the moment, but surely it is worth a try? As I said, death is so final. There is zero chance for things to change and for you to move forward once you are dead; while you are alive, there is
always hope, even if you can't see it.
I know you said your parents won't give you another chance and again I don't know them so I can't make a promise that you are wrong, but I do feel confident in saying that they would much rather you lived than died, no matter what you have done and no matter how much you feel like you have let them down. Is there any way you can be open with them about how you are feeling at the moment? If not them, do you have another family member or a friend you can talk this through with? Would you consider getting some professional help?
Of course it is hard moving on from something like this, but it is certainly not impossible by any means. I think you just need some help and support at the moment, while things are so difficult. You say that "conditions won't change to make me able to cope with my environment" - how do you know this for a fact? Have you tried absolutely every avenue available to yourself? There is always another way out, apart from suicide..
You end saying you just want to die, but earlier in the post you said you didn't want to die.. I believe the first statement; you might not want to live the life you are in right now, but you don't want to leave it either. You just want some hope and you want things to get easier; there
is hope, and they
will get easier, you're just not in a place where you can see it right now..
Please, get some help - speak to someone, family, a friend, or a professional. It is not worth ending your entire life over something like this, I know you can't see it, but please try to trust me..
I have been suicidal in the past, and I honestly believed that I couldn't cope with living anymore and that things would never get better. But they did, and I am
so grateful that I am alive right now..
Please keep talking to us on here and please reach out for some help in real-life too..
Feel free to send me a pm if you want to talk, but keep posting here too. And be kind to yourself
