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The Suicide support thread

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hey, it's been a while since i posted here..
i've been having a lot of suicidal thoughts here lately, like something in my head keeps telling me that "the big day" is coming up. it brings me to tears because i'm starting to believe it. what makes me believe it is before my life was going good, and now it has done a 180, i've been struggling with not only drug addiction, but with my family more then anything.
they think i'm doing great, and still think i'm sober.. (so in real life i'll have 9 months sober on oct-9th) <--which is all bullshit. I have to lie because i live in a halfway house and if they know i use drugs then i'll be kicked out in the streets, and if i tell my parents then they will bring up the contract that i sgned about not doing drugs, and will not have anything to do with me..
so yesterday the feeling was overwhelming, i don't know what caused me to break down. i left my moms yesterday in tears, and that thought came. 'my time is coming'.
i don't know what to do.. i cant tell anyone how i feel irl because everything will trace back to me here in the halfway, i cant go to the hospital because then people will start asking questions.
i reallyyy don't want to hurt myself, it's just the thought is always in the back of my head and it wont go away :[[[
-ds
 
D's said:
hey, it's been a while since i posted here..
i've been having a lot of suicidal thoughts here lately, like something in my head keeps telling me that "the big day" is coming up. it brings me to tears because i'm starting to believe it. what makes me believe it is before my life was going good, and now it has done a 180, i've been struggling with not only drug addiction, but with my family more then anything.
they think i'm doing great, and still think i'm sober.. (so in real life i'll have 9 months sober on oct-9th) <--which is all bullshit. I have to lie because i live in a halfway house and if they know i use drugs then i'll be kicked out in the streets, and if i tell my parents then they will bring up the contract that i sgned about not doing drugs, and will not have anything to do with me..
so yesterday the feeling was overwhelming, i don't know what caused me to break down. i left my moms yesterday in tears, and that thought came. 'my time is coming'.
i don't know what to do.. i cant tell anyone how i feel irl because everything will trace back to me here in the halfway, i cant go to the hospital because then people will start asking questions.
i reallyyy don't want to hurt myself, it's just the thought is always in the back of my head and it wont go away :[[[
-ds
Click to expand...
hang in there man. it's not over until it's really over. You control your own destiny. Are you going to try to run away from your problems, and hurt your family even more in the process? You should consider this. I don't think that's what you want to do. You have to be strong and deal with the consequences. But if you are strong, you will make it past this soon. There's a light at the end of every tunnel.
 
i understand the 'my time has come' feeling, it is generally the default though when the other option is facing something difficult. feeling like you have nowhere to go and there's no one you can talk to is one of the worst things about these feelings. feeling like you have to live a lie must be overwhelming.

is there any way you can talk to your parents at all, about the suicidal feelings not the drugs? i strongly suspect if you do, they will not be horrible to you about the drugs, if you end up telling them. i can't guess, i've never had a real drug problem, but my parents have in the past been aware of my drug use and very understanding that its just another symptom/coping mechanism for underlying problems. i guess i'm asking, is there any way you can get their emotional support? they will not want you to commit suicide and may have a better perspective on your life to be able to point out the positives/progres you've made etc which you probably can't see yourself.

good luck.
 
Hey everyone,
thought I would pop in and let you know I'm still alive. I haven't posted in a long time.
After splitting with my SO I almost went off the edge, but lived to tell the tale and scars for proof. I've been feeling better, making friends etc.

Hope everyone is okay!
 
D's said:
hey, it's been a while since i posted here..
i've been having a lot of suicidal thoughts here lately, like something in my head keeps telling me that "the big day" is coming up. it brings me to tears because i'm starting to believe it. what makes me believe it is before my life was going good, and now it has done a 180, i've been struggling with not only drug addiction, but with my family more then anything.
they think i'm doing great, and still think i'm sober.. (so in real life i'll have 9 months sober on oct-9th) <--which is all bullshit. I have to lie because i live in a halfway house and if they know i use drugs then i'll be kicked out in the streets, and if i tell my parents then they will bring up the contract that i sgned about not doing drugs, and will not have anything to do with me..
so yesterday the feeling was overwhelming, i don't know what caused me to break down. i left my moms yesterday in tears, and that thought came. 'my time is coming'.
i don't know what to do.. i cant tell anyone how i feel irl because everything will trace back to me here in the halfway, i cant go to the hospital because then people will start asking questions.
i reallyyy don't want to hurt myself, it's just the thought is always in the back of my head and it wont go away :[[[
-ds
Click to expand...

Ds.. <3

I appreciate you not being able to talk to anyone about the drugs, but would you feel able to talk to a doctor or a counsellor about your suicidal thoughts? It's such a heavy burden to be carrying, I completely understand why you feel so exhausted. Don't give up though - there will come a time when you are so glad you didn't die now <3

Also - I understand that if you come clean about the drugs you will lose your place in the half-way house and possibly your parents - is that worse than death, though? Death is so final, your life truly is over. While you are alive there is always hope.

I am so glad to hear you say that you don't want to hurt yourself. That gives me a lot of hope, and it should to you too! If you start getting scared you will do something, please ring someone - suicide hotline, your parents, ambulance - sometimes the burden becomes too heavy, but it is not your time to die.

"This too shall pass.."

Hang in there Ds! <3
 
feeling depressed is easy being happy is the hard part which is partly why i do drugs
 
billyswifey said:
Hey everyone,
thought I would pop in and let you know I'm still alive. I haven't posted in a long time.
After splitting with my SO I almost went off the edge, but lived to tell the tale and scars for proof. I've been feeling better, making friends etc.

Hope everyone is okay!
Click to expand...

Nice to hear, and you can be shown as an example that things DO get better :)
 
billyswifey said:
Hey everyone,
thought I would pop in and let you know I'm still alive. I haven't posted in a long time.
After splitting with my SO I almost went off the edge, but lived to tell the tale and scars for proof. I've been feeling better, making friends etc.

Hope everyone is okay!
Click to expand...
Hi hun!! So good to hear from you! I'm really glad you're doing okay, despite the break-up which I am sorry to hear about. Are you taking good care of yourself? You deserve it :) <3


mrflowers00 said:
feeling depressed is easy being happy is the hard part which is partly why i do drugs
Click to expand...
It's true mate, feeling depressed can be the easier option because when you've been depressed for so long, it's all you really know. So it's like the default setting, and can even be a secure feeling. When you've been depressed for so long it can be scary to think about feeling happy, like it's too daunting and it's going to be too much work/hassle. But mrflowers, it is SO worth it once you get there, I know because I've done it. It's really hard work but it's worth it. Once you re-learn how to feel happy, and to allow yourself to feel happiness, it gets much easier and it feels so good. It feels "normal" and healthy. Please try <3


D's, remember that you don't want to hurt yourself, so don't even consider that as an option. You know it won't solve anything, in fact it will probably make you feel much worse. Please also believe that you WILL get through all of this, and you WILL find happiness and contentment. I know it doesn't feel that way now but believe me, it will happen. It sounds like you're feeling a bit overwhelmed with everything at the moment. Try to just take one thing at a time and work through the issues you're facing, rather than trying to solve everything at once. What is your priority? Do you plan to cut down your drug use again? You've done it before so you KNOW you can do it again man. Please PM me if you want to chat, you know I'm always here for ya bro <3
 
^Hey man! Sorry that your Doc cut you off your meds...this must be harrowing for you atm. Please stay with yourself atm- we all are here for each other fwiw- and for you. I understand the suicidal feelings/ideation; I have been getting them alot and fighting them alot lately.
Like N30 mentioned the feelings can be a defense and realease from emotional pain so just try to accept the fact that you are going through alot of it atm and extra worries are exacerbating this.

There will be a way to sort things out for yourself - it will take a bit of time so please dont give in to the feelings, as they are at the moment because though intense, they will wax and wane.
Be kind to you. Keep posting hun. <3
 
well i got lucky and convinced my doctor to re prescribe me my pain meds i just have to get my insurance reinstated
 
^Thats good news. :) Hope the insurance situation works out too. Hope your doing okay aside from this?
 
That really is good news :) last thing you want on top of everything is to be cut off from those..

Hope you are feeling a little bit better now <3
 
yeah things are ok i just am worried about how long it will take to get my insurance back so i can get my meds , go to my doctor and therapist
 
I know that having suicidal thoughts several times a day isn't normal or healthy.
But for some reason I just live with it, and don't bother telling anyone. What can they do for me, really? I drink and do shit cuz when I'm sober, I'm depressed as shit. I didn't use drugs or drink this heavily until I hit this level of depression and suicidal thoughts. If I'm fucked up I don't want to off myself cause I'm not depressed. But the truth is, I never escape the real reason why I would rather not be alive...well...at least not in my body. And I can't tell anyone that reason, I carry it everyday with no one knowing and with my head screaming. I don't want to do this anymore. I've come close to reaching out to people close to me before. They've asked me before, the ones who know about my frequent panic attacks, if I'm suicidal. I say no. I can't afford to lose my job cause I commit myself to the psych ward. I don't know what to do anymore. My state of mind is deteriorating and I can't afford to lose it, but I can't keep going on like I am. I could. But I couldn't. I don't know anything anymore. I'm so fucked in the head and anxious and depressed that nothing makes sense.
 
zombiesarepeaceful said:
But the truth is, I never escape the real reason why I would rather not be alive...well...at least not in my body. And I can't tell anyone that reason, I carry it everyday with no one knowing and with my head screaming.
Click to expand...

Sounds like, whether you like it or not, you're going to have to talk to someone about whatever it is you're carrying. BL forum certainly may not be the right place, but getting yourself to a counsellor or therapist would be a start.
 
zombiesarepeaceful i know what it's like even now after i've told people everything that has been bottled up and bothering me i still feel all fucked up in the head
 
Can't see a shrink, work all day weekdays with no time left with me only having weekends off, to see a shrink. I was seeing a shrink but moved plus with working days its not possible. Work doesn't allow days off like I would need. Can't afford to lose my job over my lack of mental health or attempt to save it.
 
ZAP I am sure you would be able to find at least a counselling service who takes appointments on weekends. I am more than happy to do a quick online search in your area for you, to get you in the right track. I think it will be very beneficial for you to have regular contact with a counsellor, someone to just talk with.

Of course it's entirely up to you <3
 
I completely understand your predicament, zombiesarepeaceful.. I was in a similar situation with my work. I hid it and hid it and told everyone I was fine while completely falling apart inside. I couldn't tell anyone, because I knew they would force me to get help, and I couldn't afford time off work.

However, there reaches a point where you literally can't carry it all anymore. I reached this point, and ended up taking a lot longer to recover, losing a lot more money than I would have done if I had tackled it earlier.. and it took me to a much darker place than it would have done, too.

In an ideal world, money wouldn't matter at all but I know that it does. It frustrated me so much when people told me I couldn't work because of my mental state - the financial burden was contributing to that, so to me not working was exacerbating the problem and I felt like no one actually got that.

However - absolutely nothing is worth reaching a suicidal state over. I understand that you don't want to lose your job, I really do, and I don't want to be like the people who ignored the financial aspect but which would be the better option - losing your job or suicide? Suicide is so final; no chance to turn things around or for them to get better.. while you are still alive there is always that chance.

I really hope you do reach out to someone. This is clearly getting too much for you to carry alone and although it frustrated me hugely when people said "your mental health is the most important thing" when I was struggling with money, they were right.. it really is. And it's so exhausting carrying all this yourself. Daily thoughts of suicide is not something you should have to live with.

Do you have anyone at all you could talk to about this face to face?

Keep talking to us too, and hang on in there. Nothing is worth killing yourself over.. <3
 
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