ANW1982: I'm lucky to be not-quite-as-sick as it sounds like you are, but I have a nasty incurable progressive thing that messes up my internal organs, causes a lot of pain etc. etc, so have kinda been there (as a lot of other people on this forum have been too).
Firstly, yes, you might be becoming physically dependent on opioids; no, you're probably not becoming an addict. There's a huge difference between physical dependence and addiction. Physical dependence is normal and happens with lots of different classes of drugs. Addiction has a large psychological component that's not related to physical dependence -- which is why addicts say they're still addicts, even after being clean for a long time (i.e. have gotten through the withdrawal and aren't physically dependent any more). It's very uncommon for pain patients to become addicts: in the most famous big meta-analysis of studies of people prescribed opioids for different medical conditions, they found that of the 12,000 pain patients, a total of 4 went on to become addicts. So, that thing you might've heard in media scare stories about a person being given opioids once in hospital and immediately transforming into a raging addict-monster? Big load of BS, along with so many other things you might've read. (I've read elsewhere that the people who become addicts after being prescribed opiates invariably have a history of addiction or mental health issues or both, so if you're not in either of those categories, you probably don't need to worry.)
We live in a very opioid-phobic world, thanks in large part to War on Drugs propaganda, so opiophobia is a known problem affecting both doctors and patients. (I was an opiophobic too for years; am mostly over it now.) Taking a socially unacceptable drug every day is cast as doing something wrong in a lot of our society's morality narratives -- people who need a caffeine hit in the morning to get them going, and a few glasses of wine at night to wind them down again are 'normal'; people who use other substances are cast as deviant. I find it very comforting to think that a hundred-odd years back, many of the ladies of the Women's Christian Temperance League would go home from their meetings where they campaigned to have that evil drug alcohol prohibited, and take a nice dram of laudanum to help them sleep (and gave a spoon to each of their screaming children, too)... because back then, opium was far more respectable than a glass of wine, or worse, beer!
My body needs a medication to function 'normally'. That medication is opioid. I try not to think of that situation as being any different to needing insulin to be healthy, although obviously, after a lifetime of hearing about the evils of opiates, that can be difficult. I've been on opioids of one form or another continuously for over five years now, and I'm still not showing any signs of becoming an addict -- but I do treat them like meds, and use them specifically to relieve illness symptoms so I can do things like work, study, spend time with friends, exercise, do housework, etc., rather than taking them for fun. (For fun, I drink and occasionally smoke green, which is decriminalised in my home state in Australia, instead.)
Secondly, I'm sorry to hear that you're having to jump through all sorts of hoops (which you may or may not be well enough to do) just to get the treatment you need. Hang in there; when you finally get a decent doctor who'll prioritise managing pain so you can get on with whatever you'd rather be doing, it does get better. That can take a long time though, unfortunately. But untreated pain is very disruptive and has major adverse effects on surgical recovery times and overall health, since it stops people doing things like exercising, getting decent food for themselves, having positive social contact, etc. You do need to get it treated properly.
Thirdly, I'm so sorry to hear about your brother. I don't know if this helps at all, but...
When my father died a few years ago, and I had to deal with a whole lot of family crap around it, I was so suicidal I had to go on antidepressants for a while just so I wouldn't do something dumb (which is really not like me; I'm usually optimistic to a fault). I still had a horrible, horrible couple of years though. But while the meds were necessary in the worst times, I only found them semi-helpful, because mostly they just attenuated the grief so I had longer to deal with it, but that meant it hung around longer. When you've just lost someone close to you, it's not supposed to be one of the happy times in your life. You can turn it into a sorta-happy time pharmacologically, but I found that numbing myself with meds just delayed the inevitable, really. Which was 100% necessary during the worst part of it, because for a while it hurt so much I didn't think it could go on, but after that I just had to try to make room for me to not be my shiny happy best for a while.