Phool312
Bluelighter
what's the difference between a mercedes and a volvo
princess dianna wouldn't be seen dead in a volvo
princess dianna wouldn't be seen dead in a volvo
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The Joke Thread
- Thread starter Harry@Piekarnia
- Start date
- Status
TOOLOpiate
Greenlighter
What do you tell a woman with two black eye's ?
- Nothing, she's already been told twice.... Zing!
yeah, i just went there
- Nothing, she's already been told twice.... Zing!
yeah, i just went there
duck_racer
Bluelighter
This *has* to be a joke..
SardonicNihilist
Bluelighter
^that must be used selectively in SLR some time!!
We_come1
Bluelighter
For all your appalling joke needs
AuraithX
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 22, 2006
- Messages
- 4,504
You'll only get this one if you're European
Lubo dies and goes to heaven (of course), when he gets there he is met by St. Peter at the pearly gates. He said to Lubo, "thank god you've arrived, we need you to make up our football team" Lubo take a look about and he sees Charlie Nicholas, Jinky Johnstone, Bobby Murdoch, Paul McStay and other great Celtic players. He then spots a guy running about with the hoops on, no 7 on his back and dreadlocks hanging from his head, Lubo turns to St. Peter and says " I didn't know henrik Larsson was dead" St. Peter said " he's not, that's God, he just wishes he was Henrik Larsson.
Lubo dies and goes to heaven (of course), when he gets there he is met by St. Peter at the pearly gates. He said to Lubo, "thank god you've arrived, we need you to make up our football team" Lubo take a look about and he sees Charlie Nicholas, Jinky Johnstone, Bobby Murdoch, Paul McStay and other great Celtic players. He then spots a guy running about with the hoops on, no 7 on his back and dreadlocks hanging from his head, Lubo turns to St. Peter and says " I didn't know henrik Larsson was dead" St. Peter said " he's not, that's God, he just wishes he was Henrik Larsson.
B9
Bluelight Crew
i am still waiting for the first one to knock on my door , but at least I am suitably prepared this time!
Brownz
Bluelighter
Mr Cadbury met Ms Rowntree in a room of Quality Street. It was After Eight, he turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic! He slipped his hand in her Snickers and showed her his CurlyWurly, not keen to have any Jelly Babies she let him take a trip up Bourneville Boulevard, she screem with Turkish Delight as he took out his Fun Sized Mars Bar it felt a bit Crunchie and she wanted some Time Out but he did a Twirl and had a Picnic in her Pink Wafers!
SardonicNihilist
Bluelighter
We_come1 said:
Thanks
One of many gems:
It was a shame to see Steve Irwin had died but you can be sure that he wont be the last bloke to be stung by something with big flaps that smells of fish.
remaining nameless
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jan 4, 2007
- Messages
- 4
did you hear about the dyslexic raver?
he died on an F!
Some northern ravers have been injecting it directly into their mouths, they call it....
E by Gum!!!
he died on an F!
Some northern ravers have been injecting it directly into their mouths, they call it....
E by Gum!!!
tambourine-man
Bluelight Crew
Why was Dr Spock looking in the toilet?
He was looking for the Captain's log.
He was looking for the Captain's log.
window licker
Bluelighter
what's brown and sticky?
a stick
a stick
B9
Bluelight Crew
Penguin would have done ~ but I think nun is funnier!
felix
Bluelight Crew
As heard at work today:
Mum and Dad are giving their 5 yr old boy a bath.
Mum remarks: 'don't you think his willie is a bit small?'
Dad says: 'no, it looks ok to me?'
Mum says: 'nah, let's take him to the doctor to get it checked out'
~~~~~~
DOCTOR'S OFFICE, THE NEXT DAY
Doctor: 'Why yes, it does seem rather small. Tell you what you need to give him - pancakes!!! Yes, pancakes, they're a surefire way of increasing penis size'.
Mum and Dad: 'Uhh, OK then, will do!'
~~~~~~
AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE, THE NEXT DAY
Mum puts 10 freshly-made pancakes on the table.
Son: 'MMMMM PANCAKES, my favourite!'
Mum: 'Yeah, but just take 2, THE REST ARE FOR YOUR DAD!!!'
Mum and Dad are giving their 5 yr old boy a bath.
Mum remarks: 'don't you think his willie is a bit small?'
Dad says: 'no, it looks ok to me?'
Mum says: 'nah, let's take him to the doctor to get it checked out'
~~~~~~
DOCTOR'S OFFICE, THE NEXT DAY
Doctor: 'Why yes, it does seem rather small. Tell you what you need to give him - pancakes!!! Yes, pancakes, they're a surefire way of increasing penis size'.
Mum and Dad: 'Uhh, OK then, will do!'
~~~~~~
AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE, THE NEXT DAY
Mum puts 10 freshly-made pancakes on the table.
Son: 'MMMMM PANCAKES, my favourite!'
Mum: 'Yeah, but just take 2, THE REST ARE FOR YOUR DAD!!!'
prozac NO tion
Bluelighter
A young man, about college age, is sitting in a popular bar. Theres an older man, obviously drunk, about 4 seats down from him. The older man catches his eye and mouthes "Hey kid, I fucked your mom last nite." The kids a little shooken up, but looks back to his drink.
The kid goes back to his friends. About 5 minutes later, the man catches his eyes again and says, "Hey kid, I fucked your mom last night." the kid rolls his eyes and once again turns back to his friends.
About 5 more minutes pass and the old man comes right up to the kids bar stool..."HEY!" he shouts "kid, I fucked your mom last night!" the kid is like, "ok, thats fine, just chill out please." the man stumbles away. About 10 minutes later, he comes back to the kid and says.." HEY! KID! I fucked your MOM LAST NIGHT!" the kids is starting to get mad and he says, "Please, leave me alone, your embarrassing, and I don't want to deal with it." the man once again leaves and gets another drink.
This time, about 10 minutes pass...the old man walks up to the kid, gets in his face, and screams at the him " HEY KID, I FUCKED YOUR MOM LAST NIGHT!" the kid looks up from his drink, rolls his eyes, and says....
"Dad, go home, your drunk."
oh snaps....it's fun when you tell this joke to your friends and start pushing them around saying "I fucked your mom last nite!"
The kid goes back to his friends. About 5 minutes later, the man catches his eyes again and says, "Hey kid, I fucked your mom last night." the kid rolls his eyes and once again turns back to his friends.
About 5 more minutes pass and the old man comes right up to the kids bar stool..."HEY!" he shouts "kid, I fucked your mom last night!" the kid is like, "ok, thats fine, just chill out please." the man stumbles away. About 10 minutes later, he comes back to the kid and says.." HEY! KID! I fucked your MOM LAST NIGHT!" the kids is starting to get mad and he says, "Please, leave me alone, your embarrassing, and I don't want to deal with it." the man once again leaves and gets another drink.
This time, about 10 minutes pass...the old man walks up to the kid, gets in his face, and screams at the him " HEY KID, I FUCKED YOUR MOM LAST NIGHT!" the kid looks up from his drink, rolls his eyes, and says....
"Dad, go home, your drunk."
oh snaps....it's fun when you tell this joke to your friends and start pushing them around saying "I fucked your mom last nite!"
An Irishman walks into a doctors office and says;
'hey doc, i think i need you to take a look at my bottom. There seems to be something wrong with it, so there does...'
So the Irish chap drops his trousers, bends over and lets the doctor take a look. The doctor is surprised to see a £20 note sticking out of the the guy's anus.
The doctor remarks on this whilst pulling the note from where it came, only to see a £10er which he removes, then a £5er then another £20.
It goes on like this for some time until eventually there are no more notes to be had.
The Irishman pulls up his trousers, thanks the doctor and asks him how many there were in total.
'1990 pounds' remarks the rather perplexed doctor.
'That sounds about right',
says the Irish,
'I've not been feeling too grand recently'
'hey doc, i think i need you to take a look at my bottom. There seems to be something wrong with it, so there does...'
So the Irish chap drops his trousers, bends over and lets the doctor take a look. The doctor is surprised to see a £20 note sticking out of the the guy's anus.
The doctor remarks on this whilst pulling the note from where it came, only to see a £10er which he removes, then a £5er then another £20.
It goes on like this for some time until eventually there are no more notes to be had.
The Irishman pulls up his trousers, thanks the doctor and asks him how many there were in total.
'1990 pounds' remarks the rather perplexed doctor.
'That sounds about right',
says the Irish,
'I've not been feeling too grand recently'
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