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The Joke Thread

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actually its a man walks into a bar, but heh close enough...

and impulsive state stole my joke!!!!

now this is terrible, but a gooden if your stoned, very stoned...

why couldnt the cat drink the milk????















cuz its bleedin little head was stappled to the floor
 
Eric the Viking and his buddies decided to sail off from their village one day for a spot of pillaging and marauding along the British coast.

Being a considerate Viking, before he left he asked his aged mother Ingrid (who was hunchbacked, blind and a little bit loopy) if there was any particular looted present she'd like him to bring back for her.

"Well, I've heard 'bout them there newfanlged sink things they 'ave in Britain, they sound great, I'd like one of them for me washing . . . "

"OK ma, I'll see what I can do." said Eric, and off he sailed.

So Eric had a fun-filled 3 months away with the lads, raping, pillaging and generally wreaking havoc upon the poor unsuspecting British villagers. They captured much booty to take back to Norway, but as usual (Eric was a bit of a slow Viking, bless 'im) Eric's ma's words had gone in one ear and out the other. So it was lucky for him that just as they were about to set fire to the last looted village before they returned to Norway Eric's mate Sven said to him:

"'Ere, Eric me old mucker, wasn't youm 'sposed to take your old ma back one of them there sink things?"

"Bugger" replied Eric "I done gone completely fergotten matey! 'Old on a tick with the burnin' while I go see if I can find one."

So off Eric ran into the village, desperately searching from thatched roof cottage to thatched roof cottage. After a while he came striding back to Sven with a look of demented satisfaction on his face, holding an old, dirty coal hod.

"That baint be no sink by moi reckoning, ya dozy twat" jeered Sven.


"Don't matter" replied Eric "You see, a hod's as good as a sink to a blind Norse!"

8( 8( =D
 
^^^ right over my head.

Titania: You nailed it on the head! Not an insult at all. I could totally visualize and hear you say it =D
 
A blonde pilot decided she wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter. She went to the airport, but the only one available was a solo-helicopter.

The Instructor figured he could let her go up alone since she was already a pilot for small planes and he could instruct her via radio. So up the blonde went.

She reached 1,000 feet and everything was going smoothly.

She reached 2,000 feet. The blonde and the Instructor kept talking via radio.

Everything was going smoothly. At 3,000 feet the helicopter suddenly came down quickly! It skimmed the top of some trees and crash landed in the woods.

The Instructor jumped into his jeep and rushed out to see if the blonde was okay.

As he reached the edge of the woods, the blonde was walking out. "What happened?" the Instructor asked. "All was going so well until you reached 3,000 feet. What happened then?"

"Well," began the blonde, "I got cold. So I turned off the ceiling fan."
 
Guy calls his mom the first time he's having sex.
"Mom, I don't knw what to do?"
"Son, stick your largest thing into her hairiest thing"
Son sticks his nose into her armpit.

**Slams door shut:D
 
Why did the little girl fall off the swing?
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Because she had no arms.

=D
 
Sorry to all the girls on here before I post this, but I saw this the other day and it really is funny.

There is a plane filled with people about to crash down into the ocean and the pilot gets on the PA and says, "the plane is about to crash and you all will die." So a woman on the plane stands up and takes all of her clothes off and says, "I want to feel like a woman before I die, is there any man on here that will help make me feel like a woman before I die?" A guy stands up and takes off his shirt and says, "Here, will you iron this for me?"

I know it is kind of cheasey, but it is pretty funny.
 
i just noticed we havent had any cockle picker jokes!!

i hear they were told to stop when the water got to knee high, thing was, ni hi was sitting in a van on the promanade eating his sarnies
 
whats the difference between leicster city and man u?

Leicester still have players in europe
 
man goes into a pub with a giraffe and starts drinking with the giraffe, at the end of the night they're both blotto and try to leave the pub but the giraffe falls over near the fruit machine, not seeing this the man keeps on walking. just then the bar man shouts to the man

"OY you cant leave that lying there"
so the man turns and says
"no no its ok hes not a lion its a giraffe"
 
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