The Joke Thread

[infinity]

^ Actually that should say "Sheer Claas" (sad tractor based joke nobody but me will understand)

i do.

 

[FunkyAlfonzo]

There's this guy who's always liked tractors. Ever since he was born he's obsessed about them, has pictures on his walls, goes out taking registrations.

One day he suddenly decides that he doesn't like tractors any more. As he's walking down the street, he sees a building on fire with a woman outside screaming about her baby inside. The guy goes up to the window, sucks all the smoke out and blows it away before getting the baby out.

"Wow, thats amazing, how did you do that?" asks the woman

"It was easy" he says, "I'm an ex tractor fan"



(this did say shit jokes? Ok, I got another)



Bill Giles the farmer has a real problem with his cows. Every morning when he wakes up, they are frozen solid and he can't milk them. It gets worse and worse until eventually it gets so bad that they just stay frozen.

One day, Bill meets a guy in town who recommends someone for the job. He organises a meeting and when the woman comes round, she says to look out of the window and, sure enough all the cows are wandering about again totally fine.

"Wow, thats amazing, how did you do that?" asks the farmer

"It was easy" she says, "I'm Thora Herd"

 

[chupucabras]

A farmer was out on his Welsh hillside tending his flock one day, when he saw a man drinking with a cupped hand from the stream, which ran down from one of his fields. Realising the danger, he shouted over to the man "Paid a yfed y dwr! Mae'n ych-y-fi!" (Don't drink the water! It's disgusting!)

The man at the stream lifted his head and put a cupped hand to his ear, shrugged his shoulders at the farmer, and carried on drinking. Realising the man at the stream couldn't hear him, the farmer moved closer. "Paid a yfed! Dwr ych-y-fi! Defaid yn cachu yn y dwr!" (Don't drink! Water's disgusting! Sheep poo in the water!). Still the walker couldn't hear the farmer. Finally the farmer walked right up to the man at the stream and once again said "Dwr yn ych-y-fi! Paid a'i yfed!" (Water's disgusting! Don't drink it!). "I'm dreadfully sorry my good man, I couldn't understand a word you said dear boy! Can't you speak English???" said the man at the stream in a fine English accent; "Oh I see" said the farmer. "I was just saying, if you use both hands you can get more in..."

Dan

 

[kandykorn]

whats the opposite of chrisopher reeves? christopher walken

*hides in corner*

 

[RollNRave]

What sexual position produces the ugliest children?

I don't know, ask your parents.

 

[titania]

Did you know that people aren't allowed to watch tv in afghanistan...














because of the teleban!



hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaa!!!!

 

[Hellman]

This is a practical joke worth trying especially for those who have long thick hair and beard.

Damp your hair and beard with petrol and go into a crowded bar. Take a cigarette, put it in your mouth, and ask someone to light it. WHOOOM - hah hah hah! Your head's on fire!!! It will surely be great to see the face of the lighter. But when you tell them that your flaming head is just a joke everybody will have a lot of fun! :D

 

[mental-tessy]

"But when you tell them that your flaming head is just a joke everybody will have a lot of fun".... classic!! lmao

 

[Up]

Knock Knock

whos there???

RUSSELL

Russell who???

RUSSELL ME UP SOME BACON WOULD YOU LOVE I`M HUNGRY.

 

[FunkyAlfonzo]

Oh no. Someone had already done the tractor joke!! And they did it better than me

Funky skulks off to go read threads a bit better

 

[little_tasha]

what grows in trees and runs around saying "Im an apple, I'm an apple!"


A mad pear

 

[JB]

Hellman - lol, but I don't get your last joke

Looper - yeah they were pretty funny, what a great collection of shitty jokes! :D

Switzerland is a land locked country, hence no sea, so no navy I presume. It's surronded by france, germany, italy and austria.

But it was supposed to be a bad joke

 

[Hellman]

Switzerland is a land locked country, hence no sea, so no navy I presume.

Yes I know and I've travelled in most European countries.
And "Swiss talking people" was also a REALLY bad joke.
Perhaps they have submarines in Lake Geneva...

 

[*Lucyinthesky*]

^^^Thankyou guys - I get it now - I was just feeling esp. thick that day!

two snowmen standing in a field, on turns to the other and says "can you smell carrots?"

lol!!:D

this is the best so far.....

 

[impulsive_state]

thanks

man walks into a bar with an elephant and orders a pint and some peanuts for the elephant, after sitting there for a while the barmans curiosity gets the better of him and he asks the man "is that your elephant" to which the man replys "yes mate, hes an african elephant blah blah...." just then a big fat cat jumps up onto the bar, the man with the elephant then proceds to ask the barman about the cat "yes mate he's my wifes little baby blah blah"

after a few min of idle chit chit the man with the elephant orders another pint and some more nuts for the phant but realises he's out of money. so the man says "tell you what, if i can make my elephant fuck your cat can we call it straight for the beer?" so the barmans curiosity gets the better of him once again and agrees but is confused to say the least!

so the barman throws the cat down onto the floor and the man softley wispers something to the elephant, the elephant instantly walks over to the cat and stamps on the cat, leaving it and its insides all over the floor, the man turns and says "fucked"

 

[impulsive_state]

whats long, hard, and full of siemen?

a submarine

 

[Piglet]

I heard this joke in Burnley. I normally wouldn't visit anywhere where they point at aeroplanes but...
Bloke goes on his honeymoon. New wife admits she's a virgin. Worried about this he rings his father 'Dad, she's a virgin, what should I do?' 'Pack your bags son, if she's not good enough for her family, she's not good enough for ours'.

The end is listless....

 

[Piglet]

Burnley:
I'll tell you now and I'll tell you firmly
I don't never want to go to Burnley
What they do there don't concern me
Why would anybody make the journey?


I'll tell you know and I'll tell you flatly
I don't never want to go to Gatley
I don't even want to go to Batley
Where is that place exactly


Do I wanna to go to Redditch?
I wouldn't visit in a souped-up sheddish
what am I some kind of Nebbish?
No I don't want to go to Reddish


I'll tell you now and I'll tell you briefley
I don't never want to go to Keighley
I'll tell you now, just like I told Elsa Lanchester...
I don't ever want to go to... Cumbernauld

 

[Piglet]

Did you know that all the women in Burnley have 6 fingers on each breast; or they do when their brothers get home...

Why do I hate Burnley; the BNF.

 

[RollNRave]

Heard this one at work last night...

What do you call a fish without an eye?

A fsh