-
🇬🇧 🇸🇪 🇿🇦 🇮🇪 🇬🇭 🇩🇪 🇪🇺
European & African
Drug Discussion
Welcome Guest!
Posting Rules Bluelight Rules -
EADD Moderators: axe battler | Pissed_and_messed
The Joke Thread
- Thread starter Harry@Piekarnia
- Start date
- Status
sMiLeYcHrIs
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 7, 2002
- Messages
- 932
A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a small bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I have a few?" he asks. "No, not at all," the woman replies and pushes the bowl closer.
They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes instead of eating just a few peanuts, he has emptied the bowl.
"I'm terribly sorry for eating all the peanuts, I just meant to have a few."
"That's all right," the woman replied. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck off the chocolate."
They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes instead of eating just a few peanuts, he has emptied the bowl.
"I'm terribly sorry for eating all the peanuts, I just meant to have a few."
"That's all right," the woman replied. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck off the chocolate."
Harry@Piekarnia
Ex-Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 18, 2000
- Messages
- 5,923
*Lucyinthesky* said:although his was pretty nasty too!
That wasn't nasty, this is nasty:
What's red and crawls up women's legs?
A homesick abortion.
/me wonders if any of the female BLers will ever speak to me again....
discurio
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 1, 2002
- Messages
- 176
a man returns home to his wife after many months in the jungle with a frog in a wooden box.
"whats that?" asks his wife
"a cock sucking frog" comes the reply
"what do you want me to do with that?" she enquires
"teach it to cook, then fuck off" 8(
"whats that?" asks his wife
"a cock sucking frog" comes the reply
"what do you want me to do with that?" she enquires
"teach it to cook, then fuck off" 8(
*Lucyinthesky*
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jan 14, 2000
- Messages
- 1,267
Hellman - lol, but I don't get your last joke 
Looper - yeah they were pretty funny, what a great collection of shitty jokes! :D
Looper - yeah they were pretty funny, what a great collection of shitty jokes! :D
Hellman
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Nov 2, 2003
- Messages
- 324
What happens when somebody knocks on the door of a Swiss submarine? Yes, a sailor in the submarine opens the door. (Swiss submarines and Dutch mountains... A bad joke... I just wanted to add something to the "theme" xtokerx started...)
Anyway, I didn't want to hurt Swiss speaking (yes I know... :D ) people here in BL.
ferrett1979
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 15, 2003
- Messages
- 1,181
Welshman gets married and goes off on honeymoon but arrives home the same evening . Whatever is the matter asks his father? She is a bad woman dad he says we got into bed and she told me that she was a virgin! You did right son, if she is not good enough for her family she is certainly not good enough for ours!
ferrett1979
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 15, 2003
- Messages
- 1,181
A bloke walks into a pub with a roll of tarmac under his arm and orders 2 pints. Why 2 pints? asks the barman. 1 for me and 1 for the road!!! replies the bloke.
impulsive_state
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Feb 12, 2001
- Messages
- 3,986
two snowmen standing in a field, on turns to the other and says "can you smell carrots?"
what do you call a muslim with bacon on his head? hammed
what do you call a muslim with 2 slices of bacon on his head? mohammed
what do you call a muslim with 2 slices of bacon on his head and a baby sheep under his arm? mohammed aslam
what do you call a muslim with 2 slices of bacon on his head a baby sheep under his arm and is stood between two tall buildings? mohammed aslam ali
n.b. i am not, never have been or will be racist
what do you call a muslim with bacon on his head? hammed
what do you call a muslim with 2 slices of bacon on his head? mohammed
what do you call a muslim with 2 slices of bacon on his head and a baby sheep under his arm? mohammed aslam
what do you call a muslim with 2 slices of bacon on his head a baby sheep under his arm and is stood between two tall buildings? mohammed aslam ali
n.b. i am not, never have been or will be racist
impulsive_state
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Feb 12, 2001
- Messages
- 3,986
man walks into a bar.. "ouch"
Grobert
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Apr 3, 2001
- Messages
- 2,646
A man walks in to a pub, and he has a cat on one shoulder and a flamingo on the other.
"A pint of Fosters please" says the man
"£2.10" says the barman
"what?" says the cat on his shoulder, "that's FAR too expensive, this place is ripping you off, let's go somewhere else!"
and the man leaves.
The next day he comes in again, and orders a pint of Tetley's
"£1.80" says the barman
"you are having a laugh!" says the cat on his shoulder, "why are we here anyway? this bar is too pricey..."
and once again the man leaves.
The third day, the man enters again, and orders a bottle of Becks.
"it's on special offer mate, £1.19" says the barman
"£1.19?" says the cat, "do they think you are made of money? let's go somewhere that won't try to fleece you!"
The man turns to leave, when the barman pipes up "Look mate, you've been in here every day for the last 3 days with a cat on one shoulder and a flamingo on the other, you order a drink, than that damn cat tells you my prices are too expensive! What is going on???"
"well" says the man, "I found a lamp, and i rubbed it and a gene came out and granted me a wish! only i don't think the gene quite understood what i meant..."
"why's that then?" said the barman
"cos i asked for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy"
"A pint of Fosters please" says the man
"£2.10" says the barman
"what?" says the cat on his shoulder, "that's FAR too expensive, this place is ripping you off, let's go somewhere else!"
and the man leaves.
The next day he comes in again, and orders a pint of Tetley's
"£1.80" says the barman
"you are having a laugh!" says the cat on his shoulder, "why are we here anyway? this bar is too pricey..."
and once again the man leaves.
The third day, the man enters again, and orders a bottle of Becks.
"it's on special offer mate, £1.19" says the barman
"£1.19?" says the cat, "do they think you are made of money? let's go somewhere that won't try to fleece you!"
The man turns to leave, when the barman pipes up "Look mate, you've been in here every day for the last 3 days with a cat on one shoulder and a flamingo on the other, you order a drink, than that damn cat tells you my prices are too expensive! What is going on???"
"well" says the man, "I found a lamp, and i rubbed it and a gene came out and granted me a wish! only i don't think the gene quite understood what i meant..."
"why's that then?" said the barman
"cos i asked for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy"
Looper
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Sep 18, 2000
- Messages
- 3,207
A bloke walks into an extremely posh restaurant, sits down and waves the waiter over. "I want to see the cocksucking, motherfucking boss now" he says.
The waiter is naturally a bit taken aback and replies "Excuse me sir would you refrain from using that kind of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."
The manager comes over and the bloke says "Are you the chicken-fucking manager of this bastarding joint?"
"Yes sir I am" replies the manager, "but, I would prefer you not to use that kind of vernacular in this restaurant, there are private parties and clients entertaining in here."
The bloke replies "Fuck you anus features, where's the fucking piano?"
The manager is a bit puzzled and asks the bloke to clarify the situation.
"Where's the fucking piano, are you fucking deaf or what, you smelly stupid cunt?"
"Ah" says the manager "You've come about the pianist job out of the paper".
"Too fucking right" the bloke replies.
The manager tentatively takes the bloke over to the piano and begs him not to speak into the microphone. "Can you play any blues?" the manager asks. The bloke starts to play the most beautiful blues ever heard. "That's superb" gasps the manager, "What is it called?
"I want to shag your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my cock end" replies the bloke.
The manager is a bit disturbed. "Oh, do you know any jazz?" he asks.
The bloke plays the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.
"Absolutely magnificent" cries the manager, "What is that called?"
"I wanked over the washing machine but my bollocks got caught in the powder drawer" replies the bloke.
The manager is a tad embarrassed at this one. "Oh I say, do you know any romantic ballads?" asks the manager getting flustered.
The bloke plays the most heartbreaking melody ever. "That was fantastic" crooned the manager, "What is that one called?"
"Shagging sheep under the stars with the moonlight shining on my hairy ringpiece" replies the bloke.
The manager is highly upset at the bloke's language but is so moved by his music that he offers the bloke a job on the condition that he does not introduce any of the songs. The bloke accepts.
The arrangement goes swimmingly for a couple of weeks when one night the bloke gets desperate for a wank. He leaves the restaurant and goes to the staff toilets. Strangely there is a magazine stuffed behind the bowl. The bloke retrieves the mag and discovers a good old wank mag. He naturally has a swift one off the wrist. Just after he has shot his load he hears the manager shouting "Where the fuck is that fucking pianist?"
The bloke whips up his trousers, returns to the restaurant and begins playing some more tunes. After a couple of minutes a woman approaches him and whispers "Excuse me. Do you know your knob is hanging out of your trousers and you've got spunk all over your shoes?"
The bloke replies..
"Know it? I fucking wrote it !!"
That's my favourite joke ever
The waiter is naturally a bit taken aback and replies "Excuse me sir would you refrain from using that kind of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."
The manager comes over and the bloke says "Are you the chicken-fucking manager of this bastarding joint?"
"Yes sir I am" replies the manager, "but, I would prefer you not to use that kind of vernacular in this restaurant, there are private parties and clients entertaining in here."
The bloke replies "Fuck you anus features, where's the fucking piano?"
The manager is a bit puzzled and asks the bloke to clarify the situation.
"Where's the fucking piano, are you fucking deaf or what, you smelly stupid cunt?"
"Ah" says the manager "You've come about the pianist job out of the paper".
"Too fucking right" the bloke replies.
The manager tentatively takes the bloke over to the piano and begs him not to speak into the microphone. "Can you play any blues?" the manager asks. The bloke starts to play the most beautiful blues ever heard. "That's superb" gasps the manager, "What is it called?
"I want to shag your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my cock end" replies the bloke.
The manager is a bit disturbed. "Oh, do you know any jazz?" he asks.
The bloke plays the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.
"Absolutely magnificent" cries the manager, "What is that called?"
"I wanked over the washing machine but my bollocks got caught in the powder drawer" replies the bloke.
The manager is a tad embarrassed at this one. "Oh I say, do you know any romantic ballads?" asks the manager getting flustered.
The bloke plays the most heartbreaking melody ever. "That was fantastic" crooned the manager, "What is that one called?"
"Shagging sheep under the stars with the moonlight shining on my hairy ringpiece" replies the bloke.
The manager is highly upset at the bloke's language but is so moved by his music that he offers the bloke a job on the condition that he does not introduce any of the songs. The bloke accepts.
The arrangement goes swimmingly for a couple of weeks when one night the bloke gets desperate for a wank. He leaves the restaurant and goes to the staff toilets. Strangely there is a magazine stuffed behind the bowl. The bloke retrieves the mag and discovers a good old wank mag. He naturally has a swift one off the wrist. Just after he has shot his load he hears the manager shouting "Where the fuck is that fucking pianist?"
The bloke whips up his trousers, returns to the restaurant and begins playing some more tunes. After a couple of minutes a woman approaches him and whispers "Excuse me. Do you know your knob is hanging out of your trousers and you've got spunk all over your shoes?"
The bloke replies..
"Know it? I fucking wrote it !!"
That's my favourite joke ever
- Status