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The Joke Thread

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^ Haha that's ace!!


Wee Johny see's his gran taking a mudbath.. flange out.. goes home his little mind pondering..

He arrives to see his mother stark naked on the bed..

"Mum, what's that", asks Johny, pointing at her flange.

She replies, "that's mummies beaver Johny".

"Ahh.." he says, "I saw grans beaver earlier, but it was dead with it's tongue hanging out".

=D
 
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Today,the girl who works next to me in the office came back from lunch and started shouting.

"What's the matter?" I asked.

"Somebody left a note on my desk saying, "You're the ugliest bitch I have ever seen!"

"Don't look at me," I said.

"I wasn't implying it was you, I just-"

"No seriously, don't look at me; you're fucking hideous."
 
cletus said:
Today,the girl who works next to me in the office came back from lunch and started shouting.

"What's the matter?" I asked.

"Somebody left a note on my desk saying, "You're the ugliest bitch I have ever seen!"

"Don't look at me," I said.

"I wasn't implying it was you, I just-"

"No seriously, don't look at me; you're fucking hideous."
Click to expand...
My mate texted me that yesterday! I think it is Jimmy Carr, actually.
 
Looper said:
A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drinking problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.

What do you call a cat with no tail?
A bobcat.

Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.

How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?
One.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

Two men are sitting in a pub. One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.'
The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitue to subsidise her drug habit.'

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated area.
Click to expand...

Haha that is a great post
 
haha, Looper, now there's a blast from the past.

"there's a black fella, a pakistani, and a Jew in a nightclub, having a drink...

what a fine example of an integrated community."

:D

bernard righton


images
 
Looper said:
A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drinking problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.

What do you call a cat with no tail?
A bobcat.

Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.

How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?
One.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

Two men are sitting in a pub. One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.'
The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitue to subsidise her drug habit.'

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated area.
Click to expand...

Danny Weed said:
Haha that is a great post
Click to expand...

I don't know what you find funny Danny mate, I don't get a single one of those jokes... maybe you should explain them to me?!

Actually no, don't bother... everyone knows once you explain a joke it loses it's funniness!

LOL, just kidding... great post Looper mate!
 
Michelle McManus goes to the doctor......
.... And asks "whats the easiest exercise I can do to lose weight?"

"Shake your head from side to side" he replies.

"How often should I do this?" She asks.

The doctor says "Every time you're offered food you fat bitch!"
 
Sadie said:
Michelle McManus goes to the doctor......
.... And asks "whats the easiest exercise I can do to lose weight?"

"Shake your head from side to side" he replies.

"How often should I do this?" She asks.

The doctor says "Every time you're offered food you fat bitch!"
Click to expand...

Haha
 
Sadie said:
Michelle McManus goes to the doctor......
.... And asks "whats the easiest exercise I can do to lose weight?"

"Shake your head from side to side" he replies.

"How often should I do this?" She asks.

The doctor says "Every time you're offered food you fat bitch!"
Click to expand...
:)

How refreshing if doctors did actually talk like that
 
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