andythetwig
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The Joke Thread
- Thread starter Harry@Piekarnia
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inonzi_prowler
Bluelighter
what's the difference between a jew and a pizza?
a pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.
what's the best thing about fucking a 2 year old?
your cock looks massive in the photos.
what's the difference between a dead baby and an apple?
you don't fuck an apple before you eat it.
why do jewish girls love getting fucked from behind?
because they can't stand the sight of someone else's face who's having fun. (my ex was jewish and that joke got me through a lot of rough patches in our somewhat tumultuous relationship)
a pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.
what's the best thing about fucking a 2 year old?
your cock looks massive in the photos.
what's the difference between a dead baby and an apple?
you don't fuck an apple before you eat it.
why do jewish girls love getting fucked from behind?
because they can't stand the sight of someone else's face who's having fun. (my ex was jewish and that joke got me through a lot of rough patches in our somewhat tumultuous relationship)
The Liberal Media
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2005
- Messages
- 5,121
An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and Jill (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, a VB ( Victoria Bitter beer), and notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get to know each other. At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place for a drink. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 to come back and as Jill is travelling the world and short of funds she agrees
The next night the guy turns up again, orders a VB and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree. This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders a VB and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that if she pays him some more attention then maybe she can then shake some more cash out of him, so she goes over and sits next to him
She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her: "Melbourne". "So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?" "Glen Iris" he replies, "That's amazing..." she says, "So am I - what Street?" "Cameo Street" he replies, "This is unbelievable..." she says, "What number?" He says "Number 20" and she is totally astonished. "You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22! My parents still live there!" "I know..." he says, "Your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you"
The next night the guy turns up again, orders a VB and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree. This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders a VB and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that if she pays him some more attention then maybe she can then shake some more cash out of him, so she goes over and sits next to him
She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her: "Melbourne". "So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?" "Glen Iris" he replies, "That's amazing..." she says, "So am I - what Street?" "Cameo Street" he replies, "This is unbelievable..." she says, "What number?" He says "Number 20" and she is totally astonished. "You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22! My parents still live there!" "I know..." he says, "Your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you"
xtcxtc
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 30, 1999
- Messages
- 1,978
Innovative Erotic Engineers... Duh
A rather inhibited engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the most lavish thing he had ever done in his introverted life.
Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island.
Outside of beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and for weeks on end, sat dejected, forlorn... under the shrouding palm trees.
Suddenly a beautiful young woman, with large voluptuous breasts, appeared in a small rowboat.
"I'm from the other side of the island," she said. "Were you on the cruise ship, too?"
"Yes, I was, " he answered. "But where did you get that rowboat?"
"Well, with my engineering background," she smiled. "I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, what did you use for tools?" asked the man.
"There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that's how I got the tools. But, enough of that," she said. "Where have you been living all this time? I don't see any shelter."
"Well, to be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach," he said.
"Would you like to come to my place?" the woman asked.
The engineer nodded dumbly.
She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid and around a Palm tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
"It's not much, but I call it home." Inside, she said, "Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"
"No, thanks," said the man. "One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!"
"It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas."
Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"
"No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island."
"Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."
The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp. Next he showered -- not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom -- and went back downstairs.
He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked.
"Gosh, you really look handsome," said the young woman, as she ran her fingers through his hair. "I think I'll go up and slip into something a little bit more comfortable."
As she did, the engineer continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a negligee fashioned out of pounded palm fronds -- which revealed her beautiful full breasts.
"Tell me," she whispered, "we've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Haven't you been lonely, too?... Isn't there something that you really, really miss? Something that all men and woman need? Something that would be really nice to have right about now!"
"Yes!... Yes there is!" the man replied, shucking off his shyness. "There is something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just... well, it was impossible."
"Well, it's not impossible any more," sighed the erotic young female engineer.
The man, panting in carnal excitement, said breathlessly: "You mean... you've actually figured out how we can check our e-mail ?!?
A rather inhibited engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the most lavish thing he had ever done in his introverted life.
Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island.
Outside of beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and for weeks on end, sat dejected, forlorn... under the shrouding palm trees.
Suddenly a beautiful young woman, with large voluptuous breasts, appeared in a small rowboat.
"I'm from the other side of the island," she said. "Were you on the cruise ship, too?"
"Yes, I was, " he answered. "But where did you get that rowboat?"
"Well, with my engineering background," she smiled. "I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, what did you use for tools?" asked the man.
"There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that's how I got the tools. But, enough of that," she said. "Where have you been living all this time? I don't see any shelter."
"Well, to be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach," he said.
"Would you like to come to my place?" the woman asked.
The engineer nodded dumbly.
She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid and around a Palm tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
"It's not much, but I call it home." Inside, she said, "Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"
"No, thanks," said the man. "One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!"
"It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas."
Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"
"No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island."
"Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."
The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp. Next he showered -- not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom -- and went back downstairs.
He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked.
"Gosh, you really look handsome," said the young woman, as she ran her fingers through his hair. "I think I'll go up and slip into something a little bit more comfortable."
As she did, the engineer continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a negligee fashioned out of pounded palm fronds -- which revealed her beautiful full breasts.
"Tell me," she whispered, "we've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Haven't you been lonely, too?... Isn't there something that you really, really miss? Something that all men and woman need? Something that would be really nice to have right about now!"
"Yes!... Yes there is!" the man replied, shucking off his shyness. "There is something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just... well, it was impossible."
"Well, it's not impossible any more," sighed the erotic young female engineer.
The man, panting in carnal excitement, said breathlessly: "You mean... you've actually figured out how we can check our e-mail ?!?
The Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman after leaving the pub (above), take a stroll along the beach and come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.
The Irishman says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."
So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlKaZoom" the oceans were teaming with fish.
The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that nothing will get in for all eternity.
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlkaZoom - POOF" there was a huge wall around England.
The Scotsman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."
The Scotsman says, "Ach, fill it up with water."
"I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.
The Irishman says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."
So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlKaZoom" the oceans were teaming with fish.
The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that nothing will get in for all eternity.
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlkaZoom - POOF" there was a huge wall around England.
The Scotsman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."
The Scotsman says, "Ach, fill it up with water."
TheSpade
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 15, 2005
- Messages
- 37,782
Dave the Duck and his girlfriend book into a hotel room and after a few drinks things get down and dirty. Dave the Duck realising he hasn't got a condom phones down to reception and asks if they'll send one up, the man at reception says "Shall I put it on your bill Dave?" Dave replies "Don't be silly I'm not fuckin perverted"!
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
A peadophile and a little girl were walking into the woods and the little girl said, "these woods are scary at night mister", and the pedophile said "'you're scared? i have to walk back alone!"
andythetwig
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Aug 7, 2003
- Messages
- 2,126
urg
experimental
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 13, 2005
- Messages
- 1,113
Comedian told this joke last week proper wrongcore.
Q: What should you do after you have raped a deaf and dumb girl?
A: Break her fingers so she can't tell anyone.
Q: What should you do after you have raped a deaf and dumb girl?
A: Break her fingers so she can't tell anyone.
PinholeStar
Bluelighter
Two grains of sand are walking along the beach, & one turns to the other & says :"I think we're being followed".
Q: What did one breast say to the other?
A: You're a right tit.
Ahem.....I'll get me coat.
Q: What did one breast say to the other?
A: You're a right tit.
Ahem.....I'll get me coat.
experimental
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 13, 2005
- Messages
- 1,113
Snow White and the seven dwarfs were all having together and they were all feeling grumpy.......................
grumpy got out
grumpy got out
xfillerbunnyx
Bluelighter
one of my mates sends me this every few week in a text:
"hey sorry i havent been in touch lately. I've been in France and there was a blackout....we all had to stay indoors until they shot him." 8( lol
"hey sorry i havent been in touch lately. I've been in France and there was a blackout....we all had to stay indoors until they shot him." 8( lol
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
reminds me of that text "hey, police have found the body of a badly burned man with a very small penis, just checking you're alright"
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
LoL.
dr seuss
Bluelight Crew
i'm responsible the fluffy one i reckon, for some reason i love it so i always post it 
q: why should you never wear russian boxer shorts?
a: chernobyl fallout
q: why should you never wear russian boxer shorts?
a: chernobyl fallout
experimental
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 13, 2005
- Messages
- 1,113
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