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  • EADD Moderators: Pissed_and_messed | Shinji Ikari

The Joke Thread - Try and make it funny, eh?

A cousin sent me this in a txt the other day

'Congratulations to Amy Winehouse! One full year sober today!'

(I whinced)
 
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A French guy, a German guy and a Jewish guy are lost in the desert. They've been trudging for nearly a day.

The French guy says "I am so tired. I am so thirsty. I must..... I must have some fine french wine."

The German guy says "I am so tired. I am so thirsty. I must...... I must have some good German beer.

The Jewish guy says "I am so tired. I am so thirsty. I must........ I must have diabetes"
 
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Prince Charles has just made an announcement from Buckingham Palace regarding Prince Harry's Behaviour in Las Vegas, "if he were my son, I'd disown him
 
I was in the pub on Saturday night. I noticed two large girls by the bar.

They both had strong accents so I said "Hi, are you two girls from Scotland ?"

One of them chirped "It's WALES you ****ing idiot !!!"

So I immediately apologized and said "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland ?"
 
I've just come out of the 'chippy' with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your f*cking willpower'
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Top tip; if your camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex...........Wish me luck I appear in court next Monday.
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I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today. Apparently the instruction ' finish off on her face ' didn't mean ' What I thought it did '
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A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said ' sorry about the wait ' I said ' don't worry you fat bitch, you'll lose it eventually '
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Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts, Murphy meets him & says ' if I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can I have one? Paddy said ' if you can guess how many doughnuts are in there you can have both of them!! '...............Murphy says 'Four!'
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I know how those poor bastards in Haiti feel. Last time I had a few aftershocks I couldn't find my house either.
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Marriage councellor to a couple who are contemplating divorce....... ' Tell me something both of you have in common ' Husband after a long awkward silence ' Well neither of us sucks co*k '
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Snow eh! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself ' she'll be f**king lucky with a face like that!'
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I have a new chat up line that works everytime!! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them..............Here's how it goes ' Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'
 
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