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Had a superbad episode of trigeminal neuralgia today. When I woke up in the morning it felt like I'd been hit in the head by a train. At the peak of it, I could feel a needle being pushed slowly into my temple.

So, I drank today. I drank and I drank and I drank.

If I take the medication they gave me for trigeminal, the side effects are worse than massive amounts of alcohol.

I just woke up at 8PM with a hangover on top of my neurological shit. Today is not a good day: I called in sick for work; I only do that when I'm really struggling.
 
birdup said:
Had a superbad episode of trigeminal neuralgia today. When I woke up in the morning it felt like I'd been hit in the head by a train. At the peak of it, I could feel a needle being pushed slowly into my temple.

So, I drank today. I drank and I drank and I drank.

If I take the medication they gave me for trigeminal, the side effects are worse than massive amounts of alcohol.

I just woke up at 8PM with a hangover on top of my neurological shit. Today is not a good day: I called in sick for work; I only do that when I'm really struggling.
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That really sucks dude :( I really hope you're feeling better soon. Drink lots of water! And Coca cola always helped my hangovers, the sugar and caffeine.
 
n3ophy7e said:
That really sucks dude :( I really hope you're feeling better soon. Drink lots of water! And Coca cola always helped my hangovers, the sugar and caffeine.
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Lol Coca Cola for hangovers probably a better idea when it still had coca leaves if you are going that route I once encountered this all natural non-carbonated nontoxic sugar lite drink with powerful nonpsychoactive herb ingredients specifically in there to help hangovers in one variety but hey they stopped making it it was just a health nut fad it turns out unlike the undying reliability of coke
 
Feeling rather pensive tonight, reflecting on some things in my life. Excited, but also worried about the future. Living at the recovery house does keep me accountable after all. I don't think I'm going to go off the rails when I leave, but who knows, you know it's always a possibility. I feel it lurking under the surface as I type this.

But overall, I've grown so much recently. I can't help but feel drastically alone though. I still haven't solved any of the real deep intra and inter personal conflicts I deal with. Still feel like a lost puppy at the fair.

My marriage is over, and I'm free from that part of my life forevermore, but where will I go from here? I can't say.

I have no desire or plan to use any traditionally addictive substance, anything that has caused me harm in the past, ie. coke/meth, heroin, alcohol, or benzos, even gotta be wary of dissos big time... but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't trying to cheat the system. I'm still on probation and can get tested anytime, so it's not like I can smoke weed or anything. But I definitely crave a trip... bad. Tripping was a huge part of my life for so long, and now it feels so far away from me, but it's something I crave very deeply, I go through phases where I get little obsessions about certain things, and right now, I guess I'm just fantasizing about blasting off. Idk. I'm not bothered by it but it still worries me. My trips always end up being positive though in the end, so I think I'm just psyching myself out a bit.

Idk. Love all you guys out there.
 
deficiT said:
Feeling rather pensive tonight, reflecting on some things in my life. Excited, but also worried about the future. Living at the recovery house does keep me accountable after all. I don't think I'm going to go off the rails when I leave, but who knows, you know it's always a possibility. I feel it lurking under the surface as I type this.

But overall, I've grown so much recently. I can't help but feel drastically alone though. I still haven't solved any of the real deep intra and inter personal conflicts I deal with. Still feel like a lost puppy at the fair.

My marriage is over, and I'm free from that part of my life forevermore, but where will I go from here? I can't say.

I have no desire or plan to use any traditionally addictive substance, anything that has caused me harm in the past, ie. coke/meth, heroin, alcohol, or benzos, even gotta be wary of dissos big time... but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't trying to cheat the system. I'm still on probation and can get tested anytime, so it's not like I can smoke weed or anything. But I definitely crave a trip... bad. Tripping was a huge part of my life for so long, and now it feels so far away from me, but it's something I crave very deeply, I go through phases where I get little obsessions about certain things, and right now, I guess I'm just fantasizing about blasting off. Idk. I'm not bothered by it but it still worries me. My trips always end up being positive though in the end, so I think I'm just psyching myself out a bit.

Idk. Love all you guys out there.
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I dunno man, in my few experiences tripping on shrooms, I tried to always be in a positive mindset so as not to lay the foundation for having a less positive trip. You mentioned feeling pensive and have yet to resolve some conflicts. I would just hate for anyone to be tripping and begin thinking about shit, next thing you know.... Here we go! That and I don't know what avenue you prefer to take to trip or if you ever crave other substances during a trip, but it seems like it can be a slippery slope. I always enjoyed smoking tons of weed during my comedowns from mushrooms or ecstasy but that isn't an option for you due to probation UAs. Do you take your comedowns straight or use other things to help?

Also, do you have a talk therapist you can go to in order to help with some of these inner conflicts? Maybe going to a therapist or group can help adjust your mindset to lay the groundwork for a positive trip in the future.
 
Jerry Atrick said:
I dunno man, in my few experiences tripping on shrooms, I tried to always be in a positive mindset so as not to lay the foundation for having a less positive trip. You mentioned feeling pensive and have yet to resolve some conflicts. I would just hate for anyone to be tripping and begin thinking about shit, next thing you know.... Here we go! That and I don't know what avenue you prefer to take to trip or if you ever crave other substances during a trip, but it seems like it can be a slippery slope. I always enjoyed smoking tons of weed during my comedowns from mushrooms or ecstasy but that isn't an option for you due to probation UAs. Do you take your comedowns straight or use other things to help?

Also, do you have a talk therapist you can go to in order to help with some of these inner conflicts? Maybe going to a therapist or group can help adjust your mindset to lay the groundwork for a positive trip in the future.
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I used to just deal with the comedown straight or with benzos. That's not an option anymore so I will probably use either phenibut, Baclofen, gabapentin, or a combination of those.

I do have a therapist but she's honestly pretty worthless. She checks in once a week and asks me how I'm doing and that's it. Kind of a waste of time honestly but I talk to her like 3 minutes a week on the phone.
 
deficiT said:
I used to just deal with the comedown straight or with benzos. That's not an option anymore so I will probably use either phenibut, Baclofen, gabapentin, or a combination of those.

I do have a therapist but she's honestly pretty worthless. She checks in once a week and asks me how I'm doing and that's it. Kind of a waste of time honestly but I talk to her like 3 minutes a week on the phone.
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Gotcha. Bummer about the therapist not doing much. I seem to have had bad recent luck myself as well. The therapist I saw since January quit accepting insurance, so I can't afford her fees now. Got a new one in September only to receive an email this week that she is leaving the practice. So I'm back to square one again.
 
Jerry Atrick said:
Gotcha. Bummer about the therapist not doing much. I seem to have had bad recent luck myself as well. The therapist I saw since January quit accepting insurance, so I can't afford her fees now. Got a new one in September only to receive an email this week that she is leaving the practice. So I'm back to square one again.
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Yeah, I've had shite luck with therapists. I had one good one, and then I ended up quitting seeing her because this is when I got bad on heroin again in 2018. When I tried to get her back a couple years later she wasn't accepting new clients. Have gone through a butt ton of therapists with no luck. I'm honestly about to give up on it completely. I hardly feel confident even suggesting therapy to ppl because in reality I've NEVER had any success with them, and believe me I've tried.

The only reason I haven't cut off this therapist is that I technically need to be seeing one while I'm living at this house, and also, it's only a less than five minute phone call a week so it's not like it's a big obligation.
 
deficiT said:
Feeling rather pensive tonight, reflecting on some things in my life. Excited, but also worried about the future. Living at the recovery house does keep me accountable after all. I don't think I'm going to go off the rails when I leave, but who knows, you know it's always a possibility. I feel it lurking under the surface as I type this.

But overall, I've grown so much recently. I can't help but feel drastically alone though. I still haven't solved any of the real deep intra and inter personal conflicts I deal with. Still feel like a lost puppy at the fair.

My marriage is over, and I'm free from that part of my life forevermore, but where will I go from here? I can't say.

I have no desire or plan to use any traditionally addictive substance, anything that has caused me harm in the past, ie. coke/meth, heroin, alcohol, or benzos, even gotta be wary of dissos big time... but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't trying to cheat the system. I'm still on probation and can get tested anytime, so it's not like I can smoke weed or anything. But I definitely crave a trip... bad. Tripping was a huge part of my life for so long, and now it feels so far away from me, but it's something I crave very deeply, I go through phases where I get little obsessions about certain things, and right now, I guess I'm just fantasizing about blasting off. Idk. I'm not bothered by it but it still worries me. My trips always end up being positive though in the end, so I think I'm just psyching myself out a bit.

Idk. Love all you guys out there.
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We love you too. You have come a loooong way and have many victories under your belt. None of us know what next month will bring ( whether we will cave or not ) but the life skills you have learned in the last year or so will help guide you to make the right decisions. Getting your own place will be so invigorating and maybe you will find that having a new career, having your own digs, and being an addiction counselor will be enough to satisfy any urges you get. I think all of us have to be on our guard every day. I know i do.
 
deficiT said:
Yeah, I've had shite luck with therapists. I had one good one, and then I ended up quitting seeing her because this is when I got bad on heroin again in 2018. When I tried to get her back a couple years later she wasn't accepting new clients. Have gone through a butt ton of therapists with no luck. I'm honestly about to give up on it completely. I hardly feel confident even suggesting therapy to ppl because in reality I've NEVER had any success with them, and believe me I've tried.

The only reason I haven't cut off this therapist is that I technically need to be seeing one while I'm living at this house, and also, it's only a less than five minute phone call a week so it's not like it's a big obligation.
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Sorry to hear about your bad therapist luck. I once had a therapist who made me drive to his office all the time only to meet with me for 10 minutes. And I knew he was billing my insurance company for a full hour. He suddenly died in his sleep and I did not feel bad, so I guess he did an okay job.

I don't mind suggesting therapy because I know there are good therapists out there and sometimes a person has the right insurance and the stars align for them to get a good one who is taking new patients.

This conversation has inspired me to start a new thread in MH forum....
 
@schizopath enjoy, but be careful as always.

It's already Sunday morning here (6:35) and I'm lying in bed with my cat Milky Joe asleep on my belly, and my baby boy kicking and moving around inside my belly hehehe. It's the coolest feeling, and Milky MUST be able to feel/hear it cos every time my baby kicks, Milky pops his head up, looks around like "wtf was that", then settles back down on my belly to sleep hehehe. He's "known" I'm pregnant since I was like 6 weeks preggo and my belly is his favourite place to nap. Cats are amazing <3
 
Well, I've sorta relapsed a little bit. If not physically yet, emotionally. I was originally confining myself just to psychedelics, but slipped up and now have some benzos and MDMA on tap, and likely some dissos soon. I'm gonna take better care of myself this time and not get buck wild. But I guess sober life just isn't cutting it for me anymore, and I need something, else. I'm hoping to stop myself before falling into familiar patterns, and there's certain things I won't touch with a ten foot pole. These are all common arguments and deflections and I won't deny them as such anymore, I just have to be real with myself.
 
deficiT said:
Well, I've sorta relapsed a little bit. If not physically yet, emotionally. I was originally confining myself just to psychedelics, but slipped up and now have some benzos and MDMA on tap, and likely some dissos soon. I'm gonna take better care of myself this time and not get buck wild. But I guess sober life just isn't cutting it for me anymore, and I need something, else. I'm hoping to stop myself before falling into familiar patterns, and there's certain things I won't touch with a ten foot pole. These are all common arguments and deflections and I won't deny them as such anymore, I just have to be real with myself.
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Yeah, you knew the temptations were coming as you posted last week that once you were out from under the watchful eyes of the recovery house you might let your hair down a little.

Which is totally understandable. I think anyone that has been confined ( so to speak ) would want to let their hair down a little once they got their independence back. I know I would. As long as you are not touching the ones that you said you wouldn't it should be a fun experience for you as you have been doing all the right things lately.

I wouldn't be being honest unless I told you I don't want you to take any benzos. You have phenibut so I was hoping that it would scratch your itch. A roll now and again is pretty harmless but benzos scare me for people that have had addictions in the past. It could be because I just don't trust myself and you may be totally able to control yourself. I have become quite fond of you and know you have college and work and a new place and are getting your life back and I just worry, that's all. I like reading about success stories and you are one of them.

Have fun, be safe, enjoy your new freedom. I think you have come pretty far and won't go backwards. Too many people will come to MD to kick your butt anyway if you get too wild. :whip:
 
Yeah fuck the benzos unless ya really need a "break". lol Not recommended it hurts every fuckin time in some way or another.
Bruh I am glad ya have your freedoms and hope the best for ya. You doing this alone?
 
Pumpkin2021 said:
Yeah, you knew the temptations were coming as you posted last week that once you were out from under the watchful eyes of the recovery house you might let your hair down a little.

Which is totally understandable. I think anyone that has been confined ( so to speak ) would want to let their hair down a little once they got their independence back. I know I would. As long as you are not touching the ones that you said you wouldn't it should be a fun experience for you as you have been doing all the right things lately.

I wouldn't be being honest unless I told you I don't want you to take any benzos. You have phenibut so I was hoping that it would scratch your itch. A roll now and again is pretty harmless but benzos scare me for people that have had addictions in the past. It could be because I just don't trust myself and you may be totally able to control yourself. I have become quite fond of you and know you have college and work and a new place and are getting your life back and I just worry, that's all. I like reading about success stories and you are one of them.

Have fun, be safe, enjoy your new freedom. I think you have come pretty far and won't go backwards. Too many people will come to MD to kick your butt anyway if you get too wild. :whip:
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Yeah, I am kinda worried too. We'll see how it goes. Tbh I am mostly just trying to get a little bit of benzo powder so I can maybe whip a couple tinctures here and there because I need it. Just getting a g or something of one type would probably last me years or something if I did it right. The phenibut just really ain't cutting it either. It's already to the point that a common dose does virtually nothing. Maybe I've been taking it too frequently or something, but it's already kinda lost it's appeal. I might try to increase dose and take it less frequently or something. Idk.

I might not take any benzos at all for a bit. I just found out I might be able to get a job at the rehab I went to. I just need to taper off of bupe first because they consider that a positive on the drug screen and won't hire anyone on maintenance. So I'll have to take a drug screen for that.
 
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