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forgive me lord all these evil thoughts i have. I don't be plagued by this darkness any further i don't wanna be a slave to the trauma of my childhood. I can't listen to the serpent anymore and justify any more actions i do on the past events of my life i can no longer justify my drug use for coping with this pain o lord please help me a sinner.

I have been really distant and getting consumed by this inner darkness O god hear my prayer have mercy on me a sinner. I have put to many divisions between me and everybody else i was once on the path to dissolving my ego and trying for enlightenment instead i fell into the dark night and was shown that i am not humble i have the biggest fucking ego of anybody ever around always looking down on many people or quick to judge and remove people if they do something against me. Lord forgive me for forsaking your name. I have alot of work to do this anger has no place in this world this cycle of pain has to end with me o lord purify me with your light i humbly ask to be forgiven. I am dark i am evil if people knew the shit i was once gonna do the entire society would hate me but i am no longer that child in so much pain i have grown over the years deliver me from this darkness.

The more i make divisions between myself and others the further am i cut off from the holy spirit. My soul is dark and twisted but i want to change i want to love everyone equally without hate in my heart because this hate burns and burns every day and i can't live with it anymore i don't want to hurt people i know the highest truth but yet i still am a sinner my human nature is fallen. I want to repent and atone for all my sins.
 
SnafuInTheVoid said:
What's the longest you've gone without dosing in the last year or so? I'm a bit concerned tbh friend.
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i have browsed these forums for 10 years , read a few posts recently of his and i beleive the same thing your saying. Old mates had way too many psych's by the sounds of it !.... I think time to stop personally. Psytrance and that dose of psych's kinda thing is a badddd combo or so ive heard :rolleyes:
 
headmelt said:
i have browsed these forums for 10 years , read a few posts recently of his and i beleive the same thing your saying. Old mates had way too many psych's by the sounds of it !.... I think time to stop personally. Psytrance and that dose of psych's kinda thing is a badddd combo or so ive heard :rolleyes:
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dont judge me. Its not your place neither do you know me.
 
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TripSitterNZ said:
The more i make divisions between myself and others the further am i cut off from the holy spirit. My soul is dark and twisted but i want to change i want to love everyone equally without hate in my heart because this hate burns and burns every day and i can't live with it anymore i don't want to hurt people i know the highest truth but yet i still am a sinner my human nature is fallen. I want to repent and atone for all my sins.
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This is good, Trip. You WANT to change. This is good. How do you think you can make these changes? What do you think about the 12-step program? Or speaking with a priest or pastor or something like that?
 
n3ophy7e said:
This is good, Trip. You WANT to change. This is good. How do you think you can make these changes? What do you think about the 12-step program? Or speaking with a priest or pastor or something like that?
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probably need some sort of therapy tbh. Will try find a way. but now i can see where my anger comes from due to a hate of myself it projects externally into the world and i start blaming the world for everything a negative loop of thoughts. Ill try rise above it now that i can identify them.
 
TripSitterNZ said:
probably need some sort of therapy tbh. Will try find a way. but now i can see where my anger comes from due to a hate of myself it projects externally into the world and i start blaming the world for everything a negative loop of thoughts. Ill try rise above it now that i can identify them.
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Online virtual therapy is easy and relatively cheap. I have no idea how good it is or if it would help. Personally I need to talk to a psychiatrist not a therapist.
 
TripSitterNZ said:
probably need some sort of therapy tbh. Will try find a way. but now i can see where my anger comes from due to a hate of myself it projects externally into the world and i start blaming the world for everything a negative loop of thoughts. Ill try rise above it now that i can identify them.
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Umm dude, that is a fucking amazing revelation to have!! To get to the point where you know and accept this about yourself, you've done half the work already! Seriously.
Next step: Therapy. If you're willing to do it, DO IT. It will help you SO much.

SnafuInTheVoid said:
Today I decided not to drink. I cleaned the entire house. I ran 3 miles in 29 minutes (good for my out of shape ass). I ate a salad and healthy. I fixed my computer which I've been putting off for a month. I assumed it was broken.
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Nice! Feels good huh :)
 
i got my mate clean for the time being hes going back to church to take his kid there and surround himself in a better environment. while his other friends are still trying to bring him down and get him to keep smoking the glass pipe.

Been plunged into darkness is just another step in my journey towards healing and becoming whole again. i hope i can grow from it.

 
TripSitterNZ said:
i got my mate clean for the time being hes going back to church to take his kid there and surround himself in a better environment.
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That's awesome. Good on him <3
Church definitely is not for me, but I know A LOT of people who owe their sobriety to church. Each to their own and I fully appreciate that.
Would you/Have you given it a try, Trip?
 
n3ophy7e said:
That's awesome. Good on him <3
Church definitely is not for me, but I know A LOT of people who owe their sobriety to church. Each to their own and I fully appreciate that.
Would you/Have you given it a try, Trip?
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i won't go to church myself but i believe in jesus these days. I have my own road to finding peace. I still read verses of the bible. its just alot of people who go to church are the opposite of what the bible teaches and are very judgmental. i grew up in the catholic church.

I think i can eventually get sober by myself but its going to be some long hard work and many slip ups along the way. I need to find some new coping mechanisms of dealing with life instead of drugs
 
TripSitterNZ said:
i won't go to church myself but i believe in jesus these days. I have my own road to finding peace. I still read verses of the bible. its just alot of people who go to church are the opposite of what the bible teaches and are very judgmental. i grew up in the catholic church.

I think i can eventually get sober by myself but its going to be some long hard work and many slip ups along the way. I need to find some new coping mechanisms of dealing with life instead of drugs
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I 100% hear ya mate.
Have you tried NA or CMA? (not sure if they have CMA in NZ, it's Crystal Meth Anon, google it).
 
Been very productive today after quitting cannabis wrote 3 pages of this intense report want to try get another 2-3 done but my energy is disappearing at 3 pm. i think everything is going to work out okay just like how god showed me to have faith that life will be okay if i just keep working hard and not give up last year deep in a massive acid trip.
I just need to have faith in myself if i could be this productive every day it would be awesome.
 
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