hi Brother or Sister,
-snip-
I appreciate the concern. This monologue might be better put in another thread, but I'll try to keep it concise. The truth is it's been a long and hard couple of years for me. I've been, until recently, been downright abusive of psychedelics and dissociatives, and have recently recognized my borderline addiction to MXE. I've had many a spiritual revelation since I've started using MXE, and the general improvement in quality of life and happiness is undeniable. My state of mind has stabilized for the first time since I was about 14, and in a downright positive way. I went into psychedelics with the wrong state of mind: I expected to take them and just have my life change. I realize now that that was a false expectation, but for a while I found myself disillusioned and doing it for purely hedonistic purposes, and for that psychedelics and dissociatives hit me in all the right spots. During that time though, I learned a lot about myself and how psychedelics and dissociatives affect me. Then I extracted DMT, and saw a glimpse of something else, something profound. I didn't realize what it was that I saw until the last few months, when I discovered that I'd been ignoring a vital need of my psyche--spirituality. MXE provided a much needed spiritual release for me, as well as hitting all the right receptors in my brain--I've never found a more satisfying high or trip. Later AMT use helped me understand my need for spirituality and helped me discover more spiritual releases aside from MXE. It also helped me understand why I found MXE so appealing, and then later helped me understand that I'd been abusing it. I've had a complicated relationship with MXE, but I can't deny that it's just the perfect high for me, nor can I deny that I've been abusing it. So I've made attempts at limiting my use and have had a good amount of success. I was afraid that I'd be unable to do it, since I hadn't felt the need to limit my use in the past at all. And if I couldn't control myself at all I'd need to just give it up and never order more, MXE has been great to me but an uncontrollable addiction is something that can destroy a life. Luckily my success--though minor--has given me hope that I can enjoy it responsibly and I've learned a few techniques to limit my use. Measuring my doses for a night beforehand and putting everything else away has done wonders for limiting my redosing, and keeping all my dosing equipment just out of reach from my desk and out of sight has made it so I have to make a conscious decision to dose. I found myself considering dosing first thing one morning right after dosing the night before, and thought "no, I don't think I want to" and that was the end of that, my mind only wandered to the possibility a couple of times through the day and I had no problem telling myself no. And I repeated that a few times. Self control that I was afraid I didn't have, it felt good.
My relationship with my father isn't exactly close, but I'm on good terms with him. What happened that trip was a sort of mental trauma, not a revelation or message. I was absolutely convinced I'd lost my dad and I started mourning him. I learned the next day he was fine, but what had happened during the trip hit me deep. Afterwords I understood that I had jumpstarted a false mourning, it was remarkably similar feeling to how I remember feeling for months after my grandfather died, even though at the time I was far too young to understand what I felt and why I felt it. Revelations are largely positive for me, I suppose some revelations can be traumatic, and traumatic experience on drugs should be treated with sobriety IMO. Dosing MXE after that was a bad decision and I'm lucky it turned out well. I just wanted those that have had traumatic experiences on MXE should know that it's possible to enjoy MXE again with time.
And in regards to that quote, there is a certain wisdom in there. The fact is that I enjoy listening to the phone. And there is definitely not just one message to receive. When I do get a significant message it does take time to understand, but sobriety alone has left me constantly questioning what had happened. Taking a psychedelic shortly after a psychedelic revelation won't help either and usually leads to an uncomfortable or hard to enjoy trip and only muddle my ability to understand the revelation later. Dissociatives are an entirely different beast, the revelations are fewer and farther between and taking a dissociative after a revelation (psychedelic or dissociative) doesn't seem to lead to bad trips or muddle the revelation. For me I need a week or 2 (dissociative or psychedelic) to let it sink in. Using dissociatives during this time seems fine, using psychedelics is generally a bad idea. Then a good psychedelic (Most tryptamines I've tried do the trick) will allow me to get in a mindstate where I can really get down to the nitty gritty of what happened and understand it and understand how to apply it practically...I didn't really manage to make that very concise, did I?
) then something's very wrong here. What's the point? Lower a dose, or take a break, or something. 
