Thanks for the love guys. Sometimes I think about writing a book about my life, mainly the first 18 years of being part of a CREEPY Religion - raised a Jehovah's Witness against my will. Parents told me when I was 7-8 years old, when I asked them about the Future - specifically my own......I remember because even then I was worried about what it would be like being 18 and living on my own, as that was the only way I felt that I would ever be free from their forced beliefs. My Mom told me when I asked her what I would do to take care of myself and get a job by the time I was 18, Her Reply....... "The Apocalypse would've already started Meowfish, all of the bad "Worldy" people who are not Jehovah's Witness's, God will wipe all of them off the Earth by then and we'll get to Live Forever in Paradise on the Earth, don't worry about those things for now, you'll be safe as long as you do as we say". This statement haunted me for years to come.
I'm only making this little post so people Understand a little about where my Views and Thoughts come from. If I took the time to talk about all of the SKETCHY inner working of that Religion, that people outside of it are NOT AT ALL aware of - you guys would be scared as fuck of what these people believe. They're as SCARY as something like ISIS to me - they're THAT Militant about what they believe, they're just non-violent - but they are just as big of Doomsayers, and to me, just as Evil and Dangerous.
I became self aware as age 6, as soon as I started Kindergarten - because I was forced into a Society I knew nothing about. I started to realize then, that I had the right to Question EVERYTHING I was being told and decide for myself. My Parents put a stop to this by telling me if I ever refused to go to Church (Meetings), they would kick me out of the house and I could go be Homeless. I was 11 when they told me this. I tried to research Religion on my own via reading different varieties of books from the Library. I would have to take certain ones and check them out without my Parents finding out because I wasn't allowed to read any Literature that was not made by Jehovah's Witnesses.....This just made me more Angry, more Confused, and more Dedicated to figure out what in the FUCK a Human Being is, and what the FUCK "God" was to everyone else - not just the one sided picture that was being painted for me. I've spent most of my life alone - I was home schooled for grades 10-12, and was not allowed to talk to anyone or befriend anyone who was not of my Religion, being told to the extent that I shouldn't even talk or look at them because they were all evil. The only "Good People" on the Planet, they told me, were Jehovah's Witnesses's, and all those that oppose them would die and are evil when Jesus Returns and the Apocalypse starts.
That fear stayed with me into my early 20's - until I started seriously searching for my OWN SPIRITUALITY via Psychedelic use, and lots of Nuggets to try and dig deeper into the things They had basically forced into my Mind against my will. It got to the point in my early 20's where I would wake up screaming, having panic attacks, thinking that Jehovah was going to strike me with lightning or that the Apocalypse was coming..............This unfortunately has affected my life in ways I can never fix, and is what to this day causes large chunks of my personal issues. I'm still to this day learning BASIC truths about the world around me, that I had NO CLUE about because of how I was raised. I genuinely feel like a good 14-16 years of my life were straight up stolen from me. I was in the Mental Prison that is Religion - ESPECIALLY JW's.
Sorry I've been out of Contact Vortech.........It's been a rough month. I appreciate the acceptance and understanding tho for real, from everyone who's said anything. I've been reading your book bit by bit when I can concentrate long enough to enjoy it - but it's so hard for me to concentrate switching over from a 5 year MXE bender, to nothing for a month, to 3-MeO-PCP.
I do enjoy the 3-MeO, but I need something I can dose daily - and 3-MeO just isn't as versatile to me as MXE was. It's fucking HEAVY on my mind, but soft on my body. It's a little TOO Serontonergic for my daily needs, and even a 2-3 day bender leaves me feeling a little off for nearly 5-7 days. It also gets even DEEPER into the Religious / Spiritual part of my Mind and Being that I start to get terrible Agoraphobia, not really from taking 3-MeO - but more because I see how fucking fucked up and TERRIBLE the Human Race is being to Itself right now. What happened in France, people posting Bible Verses - shit's taking me back in my mind and forcing me to deal with the issues and statements that my Parents and Jehovah's Witness's left me stuck with, parts of who I am that I can't get to because the beliefs were planted so deep - even tho I don't BELIEVE what I was taught, the Fear and Self Doubt they planted in me I was never able to Uproot. That and I talk to other Humans in Person maybe 5 Times a month at best.
To an extent - I'm back to where I started, just in a different way...............I'm in a Prison of my Own Making inside of My Own Mind - not because of Religion, but because of how Evil People have truly been to me throughout my time outside of the Religion. I do anything and everything I can for my "Friends" that I talk to locally and always have since I moved out at 19, but all they do is take my Kindness for Weakness. I've been robbed twice in the past 30-60 days by people who I have helped pay their Rent so their Family didn't get Evicted, for people I bought Groceries for so their 6 year old daughter and Family had Food till their Stamps came.....Helped them finish Painting Jobs he was too inexperienced to finish on his own. The thing that scares me is - My Parents never prepared me for the fact or reality that the World we Live in is not nice, a large chunk of our Population are either just Rats in the Race - Religiously Oriented and only care about "Their People" like my Parents - Or still Animalistic in the Jungle, always SELFISHLY putting themselves first, not caring about the past, present or future - just taking all they can until YOU stop giving, and then they act like you're the dick............
The thing is, FUCK Money - that's not what hurts, it comes and goes - The pain comes from the fact that I'm starting to feel like I need to be a little more evil and selfish JUST so I can make it and take care of myself. I feel like I can't trust another Person, especially Women (No Offense to any Female on here). I've just been abandoned and thrown away by so many people that I cared so deeply about, and who I held the fuck down like a real friend should. As much as I love the Internet and Computers - I HATE Facebook and Social Media. It's just allowed people to choose to be even MORE Cliquey than they were BEFORE Social Media took over. I'm from the 90's, when you went to your boy's house and just talked, listened to music or watched a show. When People were a little more Human. I really don't like the way our Society is going right now - and I'm really sick of being the cliche "nice guy who finishes last". I could go on - but I'll leave it at that. Just some background for those that treat BL like your Family because the people you know in real life don't know how to act anymore. Shit breaks my heart. I always find a way through tho - I just have to keep moving forward and not allow my thoughts to remain Stagnant. Peace to my BL Fam - Meowfish
. I really hope she doesn't suffer any long term effects. I love Clementine more than anything. She seems fine now, nestled in my blankets 
.
I had the same experience 7 years ago, not from a drug but because I visited the place I live now and had a powerful moment that slammed into me where I knew I was home and had to live here. Actually now that I think about it, I was on 5-MeO-MiPT at the time.