It is possible that I have tolerance, and no no bud smoking for me last night.
It was hard for me to admit, but I actually got really bored last night. It had its moments, but being in my house with nobody to talk to, and no possible activities. My new bose headphones and OTT's Blumenkraft was fucking incredible, but IMO its all just psychedelic masturbation after a certain point.
And 2c-e always does this thing were conversations leave tension in the air, theres never an "ah-ha!" moment like with LSD. This carried over to my minds dialogue because I was alone, and it was hellish. The sentences in my head would literally collapse on themselves every time I thought of them. The phrase would start normal and I couldn't pronounce the last word in any of them, OMG and it hasn't even gone away yet (I haven't slept).
Attempts exploring the nature of my consciousness were unsuccessful, I was always brought into depressing, emotional problems to contemplate. I assumed that I was just getting ahead of myself, and that I could not view my ego/self as a whole until I was being completely honest about my social/emotional situations. Well I did, it wasn't fun, very intense sadness. But no release at the end, after I just completely came terms with my lies and pain, I got nothing. I wasn't expecting anything really, maybe a little weight lifted at least, but nothing.
In conclusion I decided that 2c-e just isn't really isn't what I'm looking for. Its just a fun drug to me, despite my efforts to make into something more. I have had some incredible times on it, and it has helped me a bit emotionally, but I really don't think anything will ever do spiritually what LSD has done. Its pure magic plain and simple haha.
You gotta find a loopy logic so they don't collapse on themselves. I had the same problem the first 4 or 5 trips on 2c-e... but the more I would mess with it the more it would truely come together into something beautiful to experience every time.
When I first started experimenting, I defined 2c-e as Equilibrium. That, you could think any thought, stray into an infinite tangent for at max say 5 minutes, and every time it would inevitably reach a dead end where everything instantly shifted back to neutral, with that "beingness" tension in the air.... of... "what next" than it would, or you would, slash I would begin to stray off again, into another tangent. Sometimes positive, sometimes negative... but 2c-e was always something I could rely on to always bring me back to neutral, baseline existence after not being able to connect the logic any further.
Through more and more experience with the substance, it has forced me in many ways to refine my logic into a loop in a sense, a loop with a progressive growth... I don't know which I noticed first, the loopiness of it all, or the beauty of the experience being developed before me. So, if I would give you a peice of advice, it would be to not necessarily give up on it. Give it some time. Be sure to set your intent, in terms of what you seek to gain out of your immediate experience, the experience as a whole, all of life, your current situation, whatever it is that is on your mind... make sure you have a direction, and a path to grow with... Pay attention to your headlights in other words, otherwise every time, 2c-e will bring you back to that neutral tension where nothing ever seems to happen but everything seems to flash before your eyes.
It's just my personal thing that finding a loopy connection to everything you experience, it's direction, whatever.... really gives new ... transcending grounds for you to step up your mind games on 2c-e, as you can continue to loop, and experience upon your experience and so on growing into anything you choose, ... beautifully ... with looping associations. For example, drawing a loop from a human to the universe and back to human... A human seeks to grow, and the universe seeks to grow too... growing together, back and forth, llooooping into infinity!!! hmm... if that doesnt make sense... look into some fractals... go experience it for yourself some more and .... I don't know what else to say! I have simply found that the more I can grow to find the associations between anything and everything, the more my 2c-e experiences flow endlessly into beauty and creation. Without the openness to draw connections between a butterfly's foot and the spiral arms of our galaxy... you are often left in 2c-e purgatory of endlessly running out your thoughts into dead ends.
The Ah-Ha moments are more like endless waterfalls of revalatory beingness once you get flowing with 2c-e, that when you can tune in and get into the flow, every instant is an Ah-Ha instant and it's wonderful When you can take that in and experience it, but it's a constant process of integration, ever becoming a newer and younger being... never solidifying and always evolving... It's 2c-Evolution for me.
And the weight of your feelings is there to teach you something. I don't feel you are on the wrong path to going about incorporating them, as you mentioned you have confronted them fully, but See if you can't look into the paradox of it anymore and truly find some humor in your situation. Look into the Paradox and bring that into balance. I emphasize Paradox once more... You are living it up either way you live it! Grow with it! You want to get happy. Set the intent, And flow with it! Before you know it, 2c-e or not you should be springing on your feet if you keep to your heart's intent and work with it rather than against it. It can be very difficult to pinpoint just exactly what it is you need to do, because almost always it's never one thing you can do. You can't do anything to fix your situation. It's mostly in how you see it, you know that... but slosh into it all, Let yourself feel depressed. Don't just confront it... Watch it, observe it, and most of all FEEL it while you fully let it run its course! Let it get you down, Get into the crying or guilt or Whatever it is! CRY YOUR EYES OUT!! Make sure you are feeling the connection of that sadness or depression... GET INTO IT. It should then become clear just what it is trying to tell you.
Just like dancing, just get into it and let it flow and the revelations will come, and once they start coming, as long as you are in the flow they won't stop and especially on 2c-e they will only ever come faster and more consistant... Mmmm, that's when you truely blast off into space and start colonizing your own territory... You become your own god of your own universe... with everyone else around you too, if you are open about expressing that universe... and help provide the keys you have found to unlock the gates from this trap we call lack of awareness.... ignorance... ? I dont' know now I am rambling. I hope that helped a bit. Get into the dance.
Blow my mind out of the water.
the first time i did 2-ce I tried to eyeball it and broke my head but no real bodyload for me. I wish I had some right now I'd break my head again!
