Recovery The 2023 Recovery Thread

[Ds]

It's a new year guys and gals and yellow fire engines whatever you are be happy because you deserve it. You aren't going to be known as 'we saw it coming' or you wont be buried in a pine box, because you are in recovery.

The good, tell us, share with us, how did your day go? You get that dream job? Pick up that 24hr chip or the 2-9 or did you get your cake? Find love?

Share the bad, lost a friend, a brother, a sister, mom or dad, guy or girl left you because you got high again,?

Get it off your chest here loves, this IS a place to talk freely with no judgement what so ever.
It's a recovery thread to pull up on one another because we cannot do this shit alone

I'm a week sober/clean from everything, Im in there is a solution in the bigbook of AA, I work with my sponsor, I go to meetings. My family hates my ass because I'm an addict but you know what? I'm an adult. I shouldn't depend on them for shit besides placing them in a nursing home at their ripe old age and visit here and there.

So lets see where everyone is at.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Brain damaged, organ damaged, schizophrenic, lost my insurance, rehab retroactively denied and sent me $4500 bill, car breaking down, completely broke can barely afford food, supremely depressed, my home AA meeting stopped the church kicked them out without explanation, feeling suicidal, just hate everything and feel like laying down outside and never standing up again...

But I keep trying. Will get another 1 week chip tomorrow. Trying to job search atm.

I've been religiously reading the big book in the AA app.

Also saw a cool documentary on Bill W.

 

[Sweet Jane78]

Thanks for sharing Snafu in the Void. I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. Life is so hard. Keep on keeping on. One day at a time.

As for me, I’ve been in an intensive outpatient program for the last 6 months. It was great to have the support and it held me accountable with required group sessions and random drug testing. I had a really great rapport with the people and an especially good relationship with my counselor.

Well that’s all changed now. The program ended a few days ago. I feel so lost now because that support system is gone. I was doing so good and feeling so strong in my recovery.

I guess I’m grieving that loss of connection. I’m back to fighting on my own and I blew it. I immediately started having thoughts of using. I went to some NA meetings over the weekend. Yesterday I went to a meeting in the morning and right after I searched on FB for my old dealer and I called him. Ugh So I went out and asked him for a couple lines and then went to the casino by myself for way too many hours and hundreds of dollars.
I’m still awake and I picked at my skin like usual.
Of course I feel guilty and ashamed and don’t want to admit to anyone that I used.
At least I didn’t buy a bag, which I guess is an improvement from the past.

I’m going to try to make some connections in the meetings I go to. It’s just so hard for me to be comfortable talking to people and getting numbers. Then when I have the numbers I don’t call them because I don’t want to bother them.
I feel so lonely and need some connection to other people in recovery. I feel like going to meetings isn’t enough. Everyone just goes their separate ways afterwards. It’s after the meeting I don’t know what to do. I want to hang out with people who are “safe” to hang out with.

So, yeah. That’s my current situation. I’m going to take it one minute, one hour…at a time.

 

[PtahTek]

Going through some major changes recently... why do we do that...?
I am almost ready to jump off benzos for reasons that may be obvious to some but they are so helpful to my issues and need something to replace it (pain).
Been recovering more now from past traumas through a psychologist. I feel this is the year to finally get shit dealt with so that I can move forward and take on more stuff. lol She is more than capable of helping me with this and we get along great. I asked her last week if it was "healthy" to rely on her for this as it kinda appears to be another kind of co-dependent (but healthier, maybe) choice to "use" her instead of drugs to placate my many angsts, anxieties and traumas. I do not think I got a response but not sure. She is effective I will give her that. Like going from aleve to heroin for pain. lol
Anyway... I do believe this is my year to get to a more stable, sustainable and reliable place mentally. It is way overdue and can see a change after finally geting "kicked" to her as two others were not equipped to "deal" with me. Maybe this is why I never really threw into the idea of "using" therapists to mitigate my unhealthy mentality as in the past they never did a damn thing for me but to be fair I did not really put in the work myself and just continued with being on either Rx meds and/or self medicating.
This year I look to be free from a lot of my past and feeling so freaking stoked about it.
If nothing else it will free up space to absorb what traumas will come in the future. We all experience it but damn if I wasnt about to break as I knew I couldn't take very much more without cleaning house.
Loving you all dearly and always.

 

[papercuts]

Just out of the bath to say hi, now I'm heading back there, it's the only place I'm not simultaneously boiling and freezing, I feel like I could trickle sweat between my goosebumps my body is that fricked up and confused.
Got it down to 15g for two days in a row, not three unfortunately, already went over that today and I'm not sure how today will go.
Gonna bleach my hair, phone the hairdresser for a cut and by the end of the week I'll look and feel great, honest, ok maybe a bit ambitious.
The bath I can do.

 

[Ds]

Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace!

That where there is hatred, I may bring love.

That where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness.

That where there is discord, I may bring harmony.

That where there is error, I may bring truth.

That where there is doubt, I may bring faith.

That where there is despair, I may bring hope.

That where there are shadows, I may bring light.

That where there is sadness, I may bring joy.

Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted.

To understand, than to be understood.

To love, than to be loved.

For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.

It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.

It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life

-St Francis prayer-

I did this prayer the complete opposite. Where there is love, I bring hate , to be loved, to be unloved, where there is joy i may bring sadness, where there is light I may bring shadows. Where there was hope I bring despair, where there is faith i bring doubt, where there is truth i may bring error, where there is harmony i may being discord, in the spirit of forgiveness i bring wrong.

I'm still working on my step one. I'm fucking powerless, and I'm honest that I'm powerless, I don't know how to live sober and clean because I ve shot dope so long that when I would feel happy, sad, or whatever I'd stick a needle in my arm.
I would have great intentions to go buy food because I hadn't ate but instead I go right to the dopeman, and get high, and my stomach is growling, time after time after time after time. I would start a job at burger king and need slip prooof shoes, back to the dope man, and wouldn't even show up for work and I'm beating my fucking head on the table wondering qhy?
I'm sick, sick, fucking sick. I don't know how to live a successful life .
I'm in a rehab/sober living program now, only been here since Friday, but spent the previous Friday til then in detox. Meaning the only thing I've done for my recovery is obtain a sponsor, go to a meeting a day, and read the big book of AA and highlight relatable things in one color, and when the book mentions instruction in another.

I'm in more about alcoholism today, and my sponsor mentioned that I will start to see instruction on the start of what to do, because I don't want to be miserable, I don't want to make othsrs miserable. I want to attract others rather then promote.

Anyways, my soberity date 1-21-2023 and I did make my commitment to not stick myself with a syringe or get fucked up today.

 

[Ds]

Went to a noon meeting, was on step 1. Powerlessness. It was good because I needed to hear how easy it was for other alcoholics/addicts not have any control over that first shot of dope or drink.
How one shared they even knew that they were fucking powerless over the drug and yet do it anyway, disregarded any consequences.
I shared where I was at in my own recovery . Relatability in the BigBook of Aa/DAA. where it mentions like hey if I just order a sandwich and a glass of milk, but pour an ounce of whiskey in the milk, then order another sandwich and another whiskey and milk.
And one more trip to the asylum for Jim.
Never did the milk thing but would like maybe use less liquor in mixed drinks, and so on, but usually I'd black out with the cap left off the chaser/sprite.

 

[Ds]

Woke up this morning grateful not being dopesick, or having cravings to do dope. I hit my knees (because I put my shoes under my bed) and said a prayer that please God help those still suffering here and there.
Read my saint Francis prayer while drinking my coffee and choose to bring light into this world instead of darkness.

I'm in 'We Agnostics' in the book, and going through it as if I have no God, because I'm pretty confident in my Higher Power because it wasn't chance I've lived this long.
So going through the chapter with the intentions of not having a higher power, because someday I'll sponsor men whom might hate 'God', and the last thing I want is to push my Higher Power on them.
It's good to know that someday, somewhere, I'll be able to work the steps and sponsor.

The program I'm in doesn't spend much time on the steps(atleast steps 1-3). Later tonight I'll be starting on my 4th step. This kind of intimidates me because I've got so much resentment towards people, places and things, but I work a program today and have a conscious contact with a higher power, a sponsor and go to meetings. I have to be brutally honest on this step 4 & 5 if I ever want to recover and stay recovered.

 

[Ds]

Lord make me a channel thy Peace.

Rarely have we seen someone recovered if they truly follow the 12 steps.
I used to be one of those guys that would work steps 1,2,3 and bounce. I would do what rehab after rehab would tell me.
Okay yes I'm powerless, okay God(dope) and step 3 i will make a decision to do what the rehabs would tell me to do so I can 'phase up' so I could GTFO away. Usually I'd go get dope. Because what actions did I honestly take at these countless vain attempts . I can do it on my own again, I'll just do half a bag of dope, I'll give my dope to my girlfriend (whom flushed it ways). Still, I would think it's not bad yet, though it got worse, way fucking worse and never better..
Then hey maybe Suboxone might work for me, and the second I'd fill my script I'd melt the strips down in a cooker and slam them like that shit was going out of style. But I was on Suboxone, so I was not doing dope right? Let me cook another strip, and another and another, fucking trackmarks again. Might as well go get a bag of dope so I can make use of whatever veins I did have left.
There went Ds again, back to the dope, what the fuck? Damn Suboxone made me do it(no i did it to myself).

I'm telling you, I'm sick. Sick as fuck. I'm a tricky son of a gun and would believe these delusions . Like okay I'll just use a syringe once, err twice,err4th time the charm? 20? Now all im left with is paintless fishhooks poking and prodding myself like some pin cushion. That pain, that fucking insanity. What was wrong with me???

----
I had never given AA a chance because miss me on that God piece, and whatever rehab I'll do whatever you tell me so I can go fuck off.
Never ever never ever have I honestly worked this fucking thing brutally honestly. I would just treat it like some fucking book you get at those 'neighborhood free book box things', never have I understood that I was powerless over everything, like a child. I'd touch that stove, knowing its red hot, burn my fucking hand then my other hand. Shit just kept getting worse and worse for me..
Started to catch diseases. Hepatitis C, Endocarditis, Sepsis. One pupil larger then the other. Should be fucking dead, hands down.
Why was I still the fuck alive?? & I'd go right the fuck back to the rusty fishhook.


That G word man, I had to understand that God word. That maybe? Just maybe? I'm alive for a reason. That G word kept me alive after all the fucking shit I did to nearly die.
So I did. Okay God, you got me. You've kept me rolling this long for some purpose. I understand that much.

My conscious contact with God was created, just like that fucking quick.
Okay God, what do I need ro do next? This is where my sponsor came in, and now has me making a list of all people's places and institutions that fuxking pissed me off some way or another, that hate. That hostility, has me putting it to pen and paper. & At the top of my page I wrote 'God, please help me be honest', because I'm a great bullshitter.

I'm into my step 4, and I'm surround by other hopeless junkies like me, that are wanting to recover from this illness too. & There will come a time where I'm going to be brutally honest and share this shit I wrote down with another man. & If thats what those men and women did in the rooms with multiple years of sobriety then I have to do this thing the right and honest way.

That's where I'm at today in my recovery. 1 day at a time Ds. Pray for the still sick and suffering, that they can do this too. pray for those that don't make it to the rooms.

 

[Ds]

Lets see.

Worked on my resentment list today and there's a lot of you mfrs on it (sorry, brutally honest remember, nothing personal, it's for my recovery).
Besides that, I realized I'm an agnery grrr individual. Mad at the world for some reason or another.

Went to an AA Big book study meeting tonight, which heh guess what, was on step 4. Funny how that shit happens. It happened for a reason because it was on the part of step 4 'fears'. I'm driven by 1.2 million forms of fear.

About to get with my sponsor now and go over the resentments, and moving right along in the steps.

Thank God for a program of action today .

 

[Ds]

Lord where there is sadness may I bring Joy.

Okay so moving right along in the 12 steps, because fuck I don't want to die.

Bluelight Shrine

A memorial to Bluelighters who have passed away (forum is open to new replies)

bluelight.org

^^^^^^^^^^^^
That's our shrine. Where Bluelighters go, and do not come back EVER.
It's a reality of my illness. & Banging fentanyl I was headed straight there.
It's fucked to say but it takes some to die from overdoses and shit for other's to live & again that's the reality. Be remembered in a fucking Bluelight shrine. Miss me on that shit, I want to be remembered as an old fuck died from prunes sober or something.

So I'm going to be doing whatever I can to avoid that place as a shrine thread for D's.
--------

So here's where I'm at in my recovery today, I'm sober by God's grace and mercy that he's actually in my life today. So many times have I tried to do this on D's willpower LMFAO what a joke. My willpower got me fucked up like 10000x. Worse never better .

So on this first 2 columns of the 4th step of AA. Which states make a shit list of everything we've done that pissed us the fuck off & put it to pen and paper. <- D's interpretation of it. (You can look up the actual 4th step on Google).

Going down the first column listing people, places, institutions, myself, just names. Onto the second column, Why did they piss me the fuck off? Well, Jeff fucked my girlfriend, that's why I'm mad at his ass. So Jeff was in the first column, second column I wrote he fucked my girlfriend.
& Mainly just focusing on those first 2 columns, at least that is what my sponsor has me doing. (There are 4 in total, but not at the other 2 columns yet).

Brutally honest man. Even the nitty-gritty shit. I have to list it, if I ever want to recover and STAY recovered.

~~~

Going to a meeting later, Drug Addicts Anonymous more than likely because it's Friday. Great meetings! I highly recommend them to anyone struggling with addiction.


Love you all, and if I can do this, so can you.

 

[Ds]

Just left a speaker meeting, was a lady telling her story and damnit man, do women have it rough at times. Couldn't even imagine half the shit you all go through with addiction.

On a real note, I'm ill sick, mother fuckers here all sick, and I'm prone to feeling like shit anyways, so sponsor and I have a date day together and he offered to get me some DayQuil or something for my cold.

Still sober, and thank God I'm not as sick as I was 2+ weeks ago.

 

[Ds]

Done with that second column on my 4th step.
At least for now.
Have 2 more columns to work then I am onto step 5, to share this shit with another man and my higher power.

Other news, went to my first Crystal Meth Anonymous meeting for the first time the other night, which was great to be in a room of recovering tweekers, and got to hear some of the insanity that us meth addicts deal with, even while being in recovery.

 

[PtahTek]

Looking back at the person that created this account (mine) I see a hell of a difference yet still the same person.
I do need to and am working on getting further from drug use. I may be delusional but I feel the abuse phase is over with... but still do on occasion. I do need meds for pains but hope to replace benzo with new tools I am becoming familiar with. It is taking longer to unravel this ball of razor wire than I wanted it to. I kinda understand that there is no "quick fix" as it took decades to get where I am.
Gotta say, though, that I will pat myself on the back (just this once) for at least recognizing all was not well and deciding to do something about it.
Yeah I need help and dragging myself to get it may have been the hardest thing I have ever volunteered to do.
Since ~2018 or 2019 I feel the same but different; still a work in progress.
Hope all is going well with everyone but know this is not the case as we all have our life problems... how do we deal with them is the key I think....
Peace

 

[Ds]

I've been 63 days clean & sober. Working a solid AA program. Go to meetings every day & work with my sponsor whom I look to for guidance through the 12 steps & the BigBook. I've also been reading several other related AA material such as the 12 & 12 , Daily Reflections & a book dedicated to steps 6 & 7 called Drop the Rock. Doing as much as humanly possible to the best of my ability to stay clean and sober because I know what life was like for me out there in 'The Madness'.

@Lil'LinaptkSix , what helped me understand everything about myself is looking at this as a disease that I need treatment for. Where I look at drugs like if I take anything, even if I had a valid excuse, it sets off these fucking cravings for more shit, and there's no stopping. Man I had to learn that shit the hardway. & Hopefully you can understand the same with you and in your road to recovery.
You are very fortunate to have made it this far in life, might as well use the remaining time that you have left on earth to live a happy and joyous life. Even on bad days man, it's much better than the best day fucked on drugs.

 

[papercuts]

I've been 63 days clean & sober. Working a solid AA program. Go to meetings every day & work with my sponsor whom I look to for guidance through the 12 steps & the BigBook. I've also been reading several other related AA material such as the 12 & 12 , Daily Reflections & a book dedicated to steps 6 & 7 called Drop the Rock. Doing as much as humanly possible to the best of my ability to stay clean and sober because I know what life was like for me out there in 'The Madness'.

@Lil'LinaptkSix , what helped me understand everything about myself is looking at this as a disease that I need treatment for. Where I look at drugs like if I take anything, even if I had a valid excuse, it sets off these fucking cravings for more shit, and there's no stopping. Man I had to learn that shit the hardway. & Hopefully you can understand the same with you and in your road to recovery.
You are very fortunate to have made it this far in life, might as well use the remaining time that you have left on earth to live a happy and joyous life. Even on bad days man, it's much better than the best day fucked on drugs.

There is something in this abstenance thing, no doubt about it. I'm 43 days mostly on bupe, but I had to go have some just for the hell of it, just because it was so easy, just because I was bored, I don't know why, but the cravings went from "shit, this is a breeze" to hurricane force. I could get rid of the cravingsand feel regret instead, it's a choice even though it doesn't feel like it, I go on autopilot and this fricking zombie is unstoppable on autopilot.

 

[PtahTek]

might as well use the remaining time that you have left on earth to live a happy and joyous life

I agree and am trying to learn what this "happiness" looks like as other than being a selfish ass in the past I have not really seen many happy days. Not to say there weren't any but all my efforts were focused to the outside and this left little in the way of taking care of my own needs or creating the world that can sustain a less oppressive atmosphere in my life.
63 days sober; Ds that is some feat and fwiw I am proud of you for making the decision and efforts to crawl out of these holes we dig ourselves. In fact it excites me anytime I witness an earth-mate that gains control of their life as this is not written in the global "program" of sucking the life out of any/every soul on the planet.
Sorry if this seems to go off rail maybe too much coffee this AM.

 

[sunday.bird]

On Thursday, it'll be a record 10 months alcohol-free.

I'm doing 12 months, then I'll try to tame that beast again. If I can't handle myself, I'll do another year.

I understand that other people see me as an alcoholics and (to some extent, at least) I see other alcoholics as alcoholics... but, I don't think I am an alcoholic if such a thing exists.

The definition has been muddied by opinion and pseudo-science.

It is the opposite of science (and it should be the opposite of psychiatry) to say someone has a permanent condition with no supporting evidence.

If you go to AA, they get pissed off if you question them... because they know.

I've had numerous incompetent doctors who I've witnessed make blatant mistakes.

I don't assume anyone knows anything.

...

12 months is a fucking marathon.

My new years resolution was to switch from daily weed - which I've enjoyed for many years - to 10 days a month and no consecutive days.

It has always been everything or nothing with me. It is very difficult to transition from chronic use to moderate use. The last three months has been very difficult. It'd be better easier if I could drink.

It'd be easier if I was sober.

Moderation is the hardest state to maintain for me, but I can do it.

I'm switching to weed one day a week this month. Today is the first Sunday of (hopefully) many to come.

Weed is better once a week because the day after weed tends to be foggy unless you have more weed.

Some fuckwit said to me "can't cope, smoke dope" once because I partied with him when I was blackout drunk and he thought we were friends the next day and I was hungover and had no idea who the fuck he was.

People don't understand that drugs don't make life easier. It's not a cop out to be an addict any more than it is a cop out to be depressed.

Generally speaking, drug habits make it harder to: maintain relationships and maintain employment. If you're sufficiently fucked up, it can be hard to function at a basic level. Some junkies are basically disabled.

...

I'm watching the clock now and it isn't moving.

In fact, I think it's moving backwards.

I swear it was ten months a couple of weeks ago and now it's ten months on Thursday.

God damn it.

...

I've learnt a lot about myself since getting (kind of) sober.

I'm less prone to losing my shit and getting emotional.

Life is easier, but I'm more stressed out now.

...

I've been thinking about incorporating other psychedelics into my routine.

Tripping once a month would be more enjoyable than continuing to obsess about weed and alcohol.

I used to do different drugs and wondered why my brother (and lots of other people) stuck to their exact routine of this and that.

I used to trip all the time. I was alive then. Now, I feel like one of the people I used to look at and wonder about when I was tripping.

It's so easy to be free and be yourself when you're on powerful drugs, but most of them are too harmful to be sustainable.

The mainstream natural psychedelics (Mescaline, Psilocybin and LSD) feel natural to me. They are like fruits and vegetables for the soul. I don't really like alcohol. I didn't used to drink when I was young. For years, I didn't drink... and, again, I used to look at people who drank and wonder why. Now I am one of them.

A big part of my alcoholism is the shame of being a drug user finally weighing down on me. My parents will still literally offer me alcohol. They know I've been sober for 10 months. They know I've been in rehab, twice. They hate drugs. But alcohol isn't a drug. It's maddening.

A big part of the weed thing is the roadside testing for weed in Australia. They are rolling it out more and more and you're guilty even if they write down that you are clearly not intoxicated in any way and the levels are so low that they are obviously not relevant to your ability to drive. You lose your license. You have to go to court... But I can drink two beers in a pub, then get back in my car and drive at 110km/h down the freeway?

It is SO much worse for me (I think) to use alcohol to fill an opiate sized hole.

Fortunately, I don't have an opiate sized hole anymore, but I do have a psychedelic sized hole.

I don't know why I'm talking about my holes.

Probably not a good choice of words.

Alcohol is the only option for a recreational drug that is socially acceptable to consume.

Weed is a shitty second drug. I mean, it's great. I love weed. But, it's ultimately a sedating demotivating drug. Rather than being something new, it's an alternative to alcohol, and it's a much better alternative... but it's unlikely to cause a revolution.

Mainstream shrooms and MDMA experiments are occurring now.

The psychological benefit for me is extraordinary. I can't imagine what impact it would have society-wide.

I am excited about the next psychedelic movement. It's going to be different this time. No hippies driving around in vans. It's going to be legal and worldwide.

I hope within a couple of generations alcohol will be the least popular drug.

 

[sunday.bird]

322 days with no alcohol.

Life has been better without it.
I no longer feel like a kid at Christmas hoping for the clock to tick faster.

Recently made friends with some weird hippy shaman types and opened up some doors to exotic psychs.

I drink alcohol because it's more socially acceptable, but why should I give a fuck?

I'm going to return to my roots and embrace psychedelia.

I've always been a psychonaut. That's who I am. I need to be me. Shit started going off track when I got into IV meth (in a big way) and started drinking heavily.

When I get to day 366, I'll still have a drink... but I could easily go without.

I definitely don't want to drink every day anymore and I never want to have another nightmare hangover where I spend the whole day with my head in a toilet. Chronic vomiting is too painful, due to a medical condition I have. If I keep vomiting, I will develop cancer of the oesophagus which has a very low prospect of survival.

I might be coming to the end of my alcohol journey and (for the first time ever) that's okay with me.

It's just one of many drugs and it has NEVER been a favourite.

I'd probably rank alcohol above the inhalants I've tried like amyl nitrate and nitrous... and it has more recreational benefit than hardcore shamanistic drugs like Amanita Muscaria... but it has less recreational value than so many other drugs.

I'd rather have: opiates, benzos, cocaine, MDMA, meth, dexamphetamine, DXM, ketamine, psilocybin, LSD, mescaline... plus a LONG list of RC psychs (most of which I haven't tried).

I wish my wife was more open-minded about drugs, like she used to be. She hasn't had any drugs since we started trying to get pregnant, 7 years ago. I often get high by myself. It would be so much easier to avoid alcohol without peer pressure... but I can always just hang out with drunk people while I'm high like I used to.

Maybe I need more druggie friends?

I'm 40 now. Sadly, most people I know don't partake anymore... so I tend to get high alone.

It's weird. I'm not even particularly looking forward to drinking again. The only thing that interests me is how I'm going to feel about it after such a long break. Last time I took a big break (six months) from booze, the first beer I drank tasted like piss. It was fucking awful. And the drug effect was sloppy. It made me stupid, impatient and irritable. Alcohol doesn't really relax me. I'm not sure what I like about it.

I've been thinking about getting some heroin for the first time in about 8 years. Last time after a three month binge I ended up in rehab then on methadone for half a year. I've been telling myself it'll be different this time. I am in a different place. I've never tried H when I'm stable... I've also learnt how to moderate. I moderate weed. I moderate the internet. I don't want to escape anymore. I don't want to switch off. Maybe I can use it recreationally? I suspect I am lying to myself, but it's hard to tell. If I tell my wife about this, she will flip out. I wish I could talk to her about my problems without her making them about her... but she's endured a lot of trauma as a result of my drug use so I get it.

She'd actually rather me take drugs than drink alcohol, but I'm not sure which drugs.

Our relationship has been so rocky for so long, it's probably not a good idea to open old wounds.

But I'm sure she'd rather me talk to her about it than do it behind her back... which isn't something I'm likely to do anyway.

I'm fundamentally honest in relationships even if that means I am shooting myself in the dick. I believe in complete honesty and openness. It hurts me physically to have to withhold things from her, but maybe I'm just being selfish... because I think it hurts her when I reveal too much?

 

[Dreamflyer]

322 days with no alcohol.

Life has been better without it.
I no longer feel like a kid at Christmas hoping for the clock to tick faster.

Recently made friends with some weird hippy shaman types and opened up some doors to exotic psychs.

I drink alcohol because it's more socially acceptable, but why should I give a fuck?

I'm going to return to my roots and embrace psychedelia.

I've always been a psychonaut. That's who I am. I need to be me. Shit started going off track when I got into IV meth (in a big way) and started drinking heavily.

When I get to day 366, I'll still have a drink... but I could easily go without.

I definitely don't want to drink every day anymore and I never want to have another nightmare hangover where I spend the whole day with my head in a toilet. Chronic vomiting is too painful, due to a medical condition I have. If I keep vomiting, I will develop cancer of the oesophagus which has a very low prospect of survival.

I might be coming to the end of my alcohol journey and (for the first time ever) that's okay with me.

It's just one of many drugs and it has NEVER been a favourite.

I'd probably rank alcohol above the inhalants I've tried like amyl nitrate and nitrous... and it has more recreational benefit than hardcore shamanistic drugs like Amanita Muscaria... but it has less recreational value than so many other drugs.

I'd rather have: opiates, benzos, cocaine, MDMA, meth, dexamphetamine, DXM, ketamine, psilocybin, LSD, mescaline... plus a LONG list of RC psychs (most of which I haven't tried).

I wish my wife was more open-minded about drugs, like she used to be. She hasn't had any drugs since we started trying to get pregnant, 7 years ago. I often get high by myself. It would be so much easier to avoid alcohol without peer pressure... but I can always just hang out with drunk people while I'm high like I used to.

Maybe I need more druggie friends?

I'm 40 now. Sadly, most people I know don't partake anymore... so I tend to get high alone.

It's weird. I'm not even particularly looking forward to drinking again. The only thing that interests me is how I'm going to feel about it after such a long break. Last time I took a big break (six months) from booze, the first beer I drank tasted like piss. It was fucking awful. And the drug effect was sloppy. It made me stupid, impatient and irritable. Alcohol doesn't really relax me. I'm not sure what I like about it.

I've been thinking about getting some heroin for the first time in about 8 years. Last time after a three month binge I ended up in rehab then on methadone for half a year. I've been telling myself it'll be different this time. I am in a different place. I've never tried H when I'm stable... I've also learnt how to moderate. I moderate weed. I moderate the internet. I don't want to escape anymore. I don't want to switch off. Maybe I can use it recreationally? I suspect I am lying to myself, but it's hard to tell. If I tell my wife about this, she will flip out. I wish I could talk to her about my problems without her making them about her... but she's endured a lot of trauma as a result of my drug use so I get it.

She'd actually rather me take drugs than drink alcohol, but I'm not sure which drugs.

Our relationship has been so rocky for so long, it's probably not a good idea to open old wounds.

But I'm sure she'd rather me talk to her about it than do it behind her back... which isn't something I'm likely to do anyway.

I'm fundamentally honest in relationships even if that means I am shooting myself in the dick. I believe in complete honesty and openness. It hurts me physically to have to withhold things from her, but maybe I'm just being selfish... because I think it hurts her when I reveal too much?

Congratulations on your sobriety. I agree that alcohol is one of the dirtiest, most destructive drugs out there.

I just have to be careful with everything because I've always been a poly-drug addict. I've even abused stupid things like Benadryl and Robitussin. I went on a nitrous oxide kick years ago where I was spending hundreds of dollars a day on it, for a trip that only lasted about one minute.

It's my goal in life to put as few chemicals in my body as possible. I survived over 25 years like that and I was just fine. Almost all of my troubles since then have been drug-related.

Stay Safe,
Dreamflyer