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Suicide thread, for assitance and support for all things related to suicide

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panic in paradise said:
there is often one stinging-thorn that is radiating such pain.

search inside yourself for it...
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but how? i feel there are just sooo many things wrong with me, and sooo many that i cant just pin down. i have tried to change, its just so hard to stay positive and to make even an inch of improvement.

in rehab they say one of the big relapse triggers is an unhappy sober life. i totally agree but i dont have any interests, i dont like anything, im not good at anything, my boyfriend is constantly correcting me(even though he says hes just trying to help me). i dont know why im here, i have no purpose and i dont know how to find it or to find the problem inside me. if i could i wouldnt be a suicidal drug addicted waste of space. even the fact that im not happy with everything i have when I KNOW it could be so much worse, makes me more depressed.

im too depressed to have the energy to meet people or even do the things im supposed to like clean the apartment. but i need friends and i need things to be doing to get out of depression. its a fucking catch 22 and i dont know how to change it. how do you find that thing that is wrong with you? and this not having a job, i never thought it would effect me like this mentally. im just so sick of being this way, and i want to be a different person so bad, but i dont know how. and yet i still miss the old me. i hate my life. i hate being sober. it always makes me think "why am i bothering? at least when i was using i was happy part of the time" (when i was high). i made this city so amazing in my head - i mean it is great - but i thought it would change ME. and now im even more depressed because i miss home, i glorified it before i got here, im still the SAME DAMN PERSON, the whole job thing is making me feel even more worthless. this place was supposed to be better. why does EVERYTHING have to be a fight? what makes life worth struggling for?
 
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Captain.Heroin said:

Having a flawless life wouldn't be interesting, deep, or meaningful. This is what I have concluded to be true.
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yeah but sometimes i just wish i didnt feel anything. i dont know if happiness is really worth the pain.

and yeah i can take care of myself. i mean i said I KNOW it can be much worse. and here i am sitting and bitching now, when things were so much worse 6 months ago. its just really disheartening when no matter your state of mind, that nagging depression and self loathing is always there. and everyone tells you that sobriety is better and blah blah blah. i feel like i have no hope, anywhere in my body.
 
Oh,,, please use that Key,.



<3

"i feel like i have no hope, anywhere in my body."

this was it, excruciating hell it makes my eyes water at the attempt to remember, or so for myself personally, horror.

then, in the middle of this big-black 'nothing', sparked 'something'... for myself personally again, 'anything' i found before with my capabilities understood and harnessed.

not tangling through the roses, but taking the time to admire and accept their dualities, love & pain, and even just a rose is so much alike us, and our lives... appreciated as is, is a thing of beauty to and for many of our senses as a whole.
 
DexysMidnightRuner said:
yeah but sometimes i just wish i didnt feel anything. i dont know if happiness is really worth the pain.

and yeah i can take care of myself. i mean i said I KNOW it can be much worse. and here i am sitting and bitching now, when things were so much worse 6 months ago. its just really disheartening when no matter your state of mind, that nagging depression and self loathing is always there. and everyone tells you that sobriety is better and blah blah blah. i feel like i have no hope, anywhere in my body.
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It's worth it.

I didn't think I'd ever find myself saying that - especially after having spent the first 3 to 4 months of this year in excruciating pain.

But I think it's worth it. Some people achieve great things young, or when they are older in life. What a truly good individual can achieve is always worth whatever it takes. It's just hard to believe this when you are feeling down.

Sometimes when I am feeling the worst I almost just feel frozen in space, and unable to change anything, do anything right, etc. - but this always goes away if I focus away from it long enough.
 
A short while ago I was literally minutes away from going to the rockface close to me, taking all my meds, then either falling off when I passed out or just lying there...
I had a pad of paper and a pen, everything.

Unfortunately I had my phone in my bag and my mum called acting all concerned asking me to come home.

Anyway, long story short - I checked into the depression chatroom I frequent, talked it out and feel much better :)

Moral of the story - Take time and think about things, think about your friends, the people who love you ♥
 
monstanoodle said:
A short while ago I was literally minutes away from going to the rockface close to me, taking all my meds, then either falling off when I passed out or just lying there...
I had a pad of paper and a pen, everything.

Unfortunately I had my phone in my bag and my mum called acting all concerned asking me to come home.

Anyway, long story short - I checked into the depression chatroom I frequent, talked it out and feel much better :)

Moral of the story - Take time and think about things, think about your friends, the people who love you ♥
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I'm so happy to hear you're still alive and OK monsta! This has been quite a trying time for a lot of us but we'll make it through together. <3
 
I've come to the point where I would actually do it.
Last night I half assed wrote a will and gave up, cause face it, it doesn't matter what happens to my fucking body. Its useless anyway and it repulses me, which is the whole reason why I want to die.
I tried to explain this to my friend yesterday and he was like please, hold on longer, you'll get the money.
I've waited 20 motherfucking years, and even with the money, I'll never have what I should.
Its like crawling out of your skin in withdrawal, but worse.
Lately I've been impulsive, doing drugs without caring what happens, paranoid as fuck, taking risks I normally wouldn't, saying shit I normally wouldn't to people around me.
I see suicide is the only way out, the only way I will ever get another chance.
If you were me, you'd know how it feels to be perpetually crawling up a fucking wall in your mind, because of your body, and you can't.fucking.stop.the.pain.
it's pain beyond pain. it has no words.
I have an option. Go admit myself to the psych ward, get put on meds that will "stabalize" me.
But is that stabilization real? Or is it just a drug induced bliss? Either way, they can't fix me, cause no one can hand me thousands of dollars. Drugs only mask my pain that THEY CANT FUCKING FIX. I'd probably be humiliated in some way, as I always am at the ER.
Fuck it. I don't know what to do.
My head ain't clear, I fear I'd lose my job for missing work again even with a doc excuse, etc.
But what do I care if I want to be dead.
I don't understand myself.
 
I accidentally found this forum searching the net and after reading through so many random threads never thought I could find people and say, "fuck I'm right there with you". I've tried to kill myself twice, both by overdosing. one was on purpose at age 18 and obviously didn't work, just made me sick for weeks. second time was accident and landed me in the hospital, no one knows what happened except for me. this was late February. suicide is such a horrible word and scares the shit out of me, but when every other option is exhausted it seems where do you turn? kinda a long shot but if anyone is near/in San Antonio, TX and wants to meet up and talk I would love it. I need someone to relate to and really enjoy helping people. most people just don't understand the pain and anguish we endure and how it screws with our brains and the way we behave and think
 
Captain.Heroin said:
I'm so happy to hear you're still alive and OK monsta! This has been quite a trying time for a lot of us but we'll make it through together. <3
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Thankyou mate :)
Yea it really has.. I don't know what's in the air but it's fucking a great deal of people up :\
But as you said, we're all here for each other and can help each of us through it :)~♥
 
zombiesarepeaceful said:
Has anyone ever taken the time to actually write a will before their death?
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yes, this is a very powerful thing to do,
but not something id say to go and try necessarily. in a more stable place,,, this can put a lot into perspective, mixes and mashes the B's&W's into your own shade of gray - which is a deep and illum|ustrious reflection of oneself, i believe.

to be prepared to rationalize, 101% is the Key here.


_______________________________________
although, i never kept what i wrote, and dont know where it went.
 
zombiesarepeaceful said:
I've come to the point where I would actually do it.
Last night I half assed wrote a will and gave up, cause face it, it doesn't matter what happens to my fucking body. Its useless anyway and it repulses me, which is the whole reason why I want to die.
I tried to explain this to my friend yesterday and he was like please, hold on longer, you'll get the money.
I've waited 20 motherfucking years, and even with the money, I'll never have what I should.
Its like crawling out of your skin in withdrawal, but worse.
Lately I've been impulsive, doing drugs without caring what happens, paranoid as fuck, taking risks I normally wouldn't, saying shit I normally wouldn't to people around me.
I see suicide is the only way out, the only way I will ever get another chance.
If you were me, you'd know how it feels to be perpetually crawling up a fucking wall in your mind, because of your body, and you can't.fucking.stop.the.pain.
it's pain beyond pain. it has no words.
I have an option. Go admit myself to the psych ward, get put on meds that will "stabalize" me.
But is that stabilization real? Or is it just a drug induced bliss? Either way, they can't fix me, cause no one can hand me thousands of dollars. Drugs only mask my pain that THEY CANT FUCKING FIX. I'd probably be humiliated in some way, as I always am at the ER.
Fuck it. I don't know what to do.
My head ain't clear, I fear I'd lose my job for missing work again even with a doc excuse, etc.
But what do I care if I want to be dead.
I don't understand myself.
Click to expand...

You still have hope - this is why you still care! Your desire to live is shining through. You still have hope for changing things, no matter how impossible it seems now.

If I would have died before I made it to at least to where I am now, I would have deeply regretted it.

I still did not know I felt this way until a lot of introspection tonight. I have managed not to let everything in life take a huge negative toll on me.

However - I know what you are going through is something you don't "let" take a negative toll on yourself, it just is a negative toll on yourself. This is why I don't blame you for feeling this way ZAP and I could never blame you for feeling this way.

You aren't destined to have to feel this way though, one day you will feel more alive and more like your true self again, I know this to be true. You may have been waiting for a whole 20 years but you are still young! Think about it, people live a certain life style sometimes until they turn 30, sometimes 40, others never change (I'm thinking namely of drug abuse/addiction issues). And then think about yourself, you are still young, you still have time to do what you need to and get everything you want to accomplished.

Our lives are never totally predictable.
 
This is unlike any other time.
This time, I'm not even happy when I'm high. I fake it, when I can.
Cause nothing takes away the pain that I have. Nothing.
I'm doing what I've repeatedly done in the past, which is when it gets to be too bad, I indulge in drugs just to keep my will to stay alive.
Drugs are the only thing keeping me alive right now.
I guess I'm still winning, cause I'm alive. But I've finally gotten to this point, the pain doesn't end unless I'm hallucinating off my ass on drugs. Just being high isnt enough.
 
zombiesarepeaceful said:
This is unlike any other time.
This time, I'm not even happy when I'm high. I fake it, when I can.
Cause nothing takes away the pain that I have. Nothing.
I'm doing what I've repeatedly done in the past, which is when it gets to be too bad, I indulge in drugs just to keep my will to stay alive.
Drugs are the only thing keeping me alive right now.
I guess I'm still winning, cause I'm alive. But I've finally gotten to this point, the pain doesn't end unless I'm hallucinating off my ass on drugs. Just being high isnt enough.
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Have you thought about going out for a walk in a forest/park? Sometimes being able to get away from my house and get my mind on more positive things really helps my mood a lot. :)

If you're still here and still living, then you still have much to do. :)
 
See, I'm wiccan/pagan...whatever you wanna call it. I sense shit, with no real reason other than, you can't explain, I just know things. And I know its not my time. Even if I tried to kill myself, I'd probably end up in some place where I'd have to make a decision to go back.

I know I have to live, and fight until I have the thing that will give me the will to stay alive again. I have the choice of dying, but I have a feeling that it would have some consequences, like I'd have to do all this shit over, or something. Idk.
 
zombiesarepeaceful said:
See, I'm wiccan/pagan...whatever you wanna call it. I sense shit, with no real reason other than, you can't explain, I just know things. And I know its not my time. Even if I tried to kill myself, I'd probably end up in some place where I'd have to make a decision to go back.

I know I have to live, and fight until I have the thing that will give me the will to stay alive again. I have the choice of dying, but I have a feeling that it would have some consequences, like I'd have to do all this shit over, or something. Idk.
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This is exactly how I feel about my life too - we have to keep fighting forward until we get the advancements in our life we deserve and will have one day. :)

I am so glad to hear that ZAP! :) I love how you phrased all of the above, and I completely understand what you mean.
 
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