Hi All, - I'm just putting this out there for everyone - not anyone in particular. It's probably too wordy, and I apologize for the lack of brevity, but I think that however clumsily expressed this is, it contains a message of intrinsic value.
I am someone who has gone through this - years of depression and isolation that lead to a protracted and (*serious*) suicidal phase that lasted about a year - in the middle of a severe depression that lasted about *six* years - I posted about it a couple of pages back so I won't repeat myself. I have recovered completely from the suicidal part of it, so a) I know it can be done, and b) I have some knowledge as to how I made it.
The most important thing that I learned was that people are the most important thing in life - and that whatever other problems we may have in life that lead us to depression - especially suicidal depression - is the absence of people, or the connections to people - that lead us to deciding that there is no longer any point in living.
I also know that when we feel so utterly worthless, reaching out to people is probably the last thing that we feel like doing, as besides the lack of motivation, we feel that we have nothing to offer except our emotional baggage.
But it is the connection and love that we receive from others that heals all wounds and eases all pain. I have seen my life (and the lives of some of my friends) turned from absolute crud to glorious ceremony, just through the act of falling in love.
Obviously that is an extreme - but I suggest that one can move away from suicide rapidly, through something as simple as the formation of a friendship - and that one can cement that distance with the formation of a few more.
Now I am sure that the typical reaction to this is that it is pretty obvious - and the flaw in the concept is exactly the lack of energy, self confidence, and everything else needed be attractive enough to have people want to be your friend.
My recovery began when I found the path back. It's pretty extreme - but the proof - as they say - is in the eating of the pudding.
Consider this: You are so utterly alone and lonely that you are willing to actually end your life - to kill yourself - forever - with no chance of ever doing anything again. I intimately know how this feels. But if you are willing to to such an absolute extreme to end your pain, then it opens up a door to a room of infinte possibilities; possibilities that you might never ever consider at any time, under any circumstances, but which when compared to death, can suddenly seem a lot more possible. If you are willing to die, then what else on earth could possibly be asd intimidating or extreme.
Imagine a world in which you can do anything without fear of retribution or consequence - that no act you commit can be too embarrassing - that no mistake you make can ever be too big - that you can cross any line - do anything - be anyone. If you picture in your mind the person that you have always wanted to be, but are too bound by circumstance - by the image of you that you feel others perceive in you - or your fear of embarrassing yourself - even to the extreme. What are any of these things compared to death.
Think of yourself standing on the precipice of your suicide - about to take the plunge - to end with totality - everything. Then think, instead of seeing this as a dark doorless room, with no light, no direction, no hope, seeing it instead as an opportunity - the ultimate opportunity - an opportunity in which all of the restraints that have ever held you back in any and every direction are removed, and you are finally liberated to take any step that you were previously too nervous to take, risk the risk that always seemed too precarious to invest in, be the person that you have always wanted to be, but without the growing pains that inevitably accompany any action of which the result can be embarrassing.
No consequence. When you are ready to die there are no consequences to fear. If you embarrass yourself, you can jump off the cliff. If you are rejected you can still end the pain. If you fail - even miserably - at least you will have tried. Because no matter how it turns out, you can still kill yourself in the morning - but at least you will died knowing that you have at least once in your life, really, really tried your best - that for one day you rose above all your hesitation, reservation, anxiety and fear - that even if your life is still to end, that for one day at least, you truly lived.
And even if you did not succeed in your venture, perhaps having really lived for a day, you might decide that it is worth living another - and trying again to exceed your limitations, embrace the unfamiliarity of the world outside your comfort zone - because your comfort zone has been so uncomfortable for so long that you find dmore comfort in the thought of being dead.
The precipice of self-abandonment can instead be the tower self-discovery. And what have you got to lose? What greater cost is there than your life. And if you are willing to end it, then there is nothing else in life that can be more daunting, more fearful, more permanent.
My path to salvation was people. I was a hermit, living on an island having gone through a divorce, then finding and subsequently losing my soul mate. I was a drug addict on multiple fronts (a poly-toxi-obsessionist I used to call myslef). At 47 years old I knew no-one, had no family other than my two children, had no job as I had a disability, and did not have a friend - not even a buddy - in the whole wide world. The phone never rang, and I never called anyone. I ate drank and slept alone. I had no avenues through which to befriend anyone, even if I wanted to.
So one morning I woke up, spray painted my car a million shades of psychedelic, started walking around twirling Bo-Staffs - went out and draped myself in strings of LED lights - amd just generally made a total spectacle of myself - the exact opposite of everything that I had been living for years. My message was simple. I'm here. I exist. Notice me!!
And they did. It was not overnight. And my instinctive reaction every day was to crawl back in my shell, because it seemed that I got so little back from so much effort. My energy waxed and waned - I lost faith a number of times and had to drag myself back out of my shell. But I was noticed - and talked to - and eventually invited to a party - and suddenly I was in a group of people who it turned out were freaks, just like me, and they noticed that I was a carzy psychedelic artist, and they asked me to do visuals at an upcoming party, and another. Suddenly my antics with the car and the Staffs and the LED lights turned me from instead of being an oddball curiosity, an interesting person worth talking to, and befriending.
It is almost two years since my 'enlightenment'. I am no longer suicidal. I have more friends than I have had in many years, and more acquaintances than I have ever had at one time in my life. While I miss the intimacy of romance and the ecstasy of love - what I have is not perfect - but it is enough. Enough to continue, and to continue investing, because you only get out of this life what you put into it.
I know that I rant on for way too long - probably a lot of people won't read this post because it's too verbose - others may find it annoying - and find me pompous for thinking that I have may have a kind of solution to a problem that I don't even know anything about. But I do know this:
If you are ready to end your life, then you are ready to step out on any limb that you have been too afraid to do before. If you're ready to die - then you are ready for the very first time in your life - to truly live.
The Very Merry Prankster
. Usually people may notice I reply straight waya. But if not, i'm going out the back to sit at a tiny fire to keep warm, with some red wine, port, just a few temaz and diaz, promethazine, etc. Spose I must admit that I would rather not wake up tomorrow morning, but I guess that probably happens 4 nights a week for me. 
How are you feeling today?? I also wanted to note something that you're probably well aware of, but the combination of alcohol and benzos would definitely be making your depression worse! It's a really really bad combo for someone who is feeling depressed and suicidal. Have you got a friend or family member that you can talk to about how you're feeling? 
You might not be aware that you won't be able to PM you back until you reach Bluelighter which will happen within 24hrs of you having 50 posts. You are able to PM mods in case you need help not regular members until BLighter status.
i woke up today and realized life is shit right now, but its still worth living havent felt like that in months for anyone thinking about suicide try talking about whats getting you DoWn with someone helped me get through a horriable night.. thank you again for the support
