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^fucking word.
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Suicide thread, for assitance and support for all things related to suicide
- Thread starter n3ophy7e
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zombiesarepeaceful
Bluelighter
so as of late, i've felt suicidal again.
not an hour goes by that i don't at least once try to ramp myself up, get the guts to let go, do something to cause myself to die and make it look accidental.
i planned to pack up and move to cleveland again...my best friends found out, and sadly they know me well enough to know that there was a reason behind it.
i'm out of my adhd meds til next week and i think thats why i'm mind fucked.
right now i'm mixing drugs that i know won't hurt me, but aren't wise to mix. i don't normally do that but i need some sort of thrill to make life worth livign so i'm not thinking of maiming myself. sometimes i wish they accidently kill me but i know its quite doubtful. i'm too cautious.
its part stress. part money. all bullshit. i don't want to be alive half the time, but if i ever do it, i don't want to tell anyone in real life before i do. i want to go out with teh pride that i didn't cry wolf.
not an hour goes by that i don't at least once try to ramp myself up, get the guts to let go, do something to cause myself to die and make it look accidental.
i planned to pack up and move to cleveland again...my best friends found out, and sadly they know me well enough to know that there was a reason behind it.
i'm out of my adhd meds til next week and i think thats why i'm mind fucked.
right now i'm mixing drugs that i know won't hurt me, but aren't wise to mix. i don't normally do that but i need some sort of thrill to make life worth livign so i'm not thinking of maiming myself. sometimes i wish they accidently kill me but i know its quite doubtful. i'm too cautious.
its part stress. part money. all bullshit. i don't want to be alive half the time, but if i ever do it, i don't want to tell anyone in real life before i do. i want to go out with teh pride that i didn't cry wolf.
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
zap, you already know how massively better a year away or even a few weeks away can look compared to our most despairing moments. If you can not stand this moment or this week, I understand. I know that you know, if we tough it out there are some better days ahead. You've proven it before and if you choose to you will prove it again.
TheMerryPrankster
Bluelighter
Hey Man,
Bummer that you're feeling so desperate. I posted somestuff not that long ago about How I was *seriously* suicidal for several years, and how I actually mae it back into the safe zone. I don;t want to repeat myself, but if you take a look at some of my posts a few pages earlier, there may be *something* in there to gove you a *little* hope at least.
The bottom line was that no matter how deep you are in your hole at the moment, it *is* possible to change everything - and that no matter how impossible it seems that you could ever actually be *happy!!* again - I know that you can - at least in theory - because *I* did it (am still doing it) - and if I could come back from such a long (years) and intense (tortuous) living hell - so can anyone.
The thing that I *do* know is that once you find the spark again - all of your pain will disappear, really quickly, and if you remain at least content for a few months, the memories of where you were - all the bad shit - is fairly quickly forgotten.
I know how difficult it is to believe in light outside your darkness - but it is there - all around you - just waiting for you to embrace its healing energy.
I know that this sounds a little Flakey - but it's certainly true for me. 2 years ago I had no-one - no friends - no life - no joy, no hope,no money,no job. I was ready to end my life..
I wrote a post about this a few pages back, and what changed. It revolved around the fact that when you reach this, the darkest of places, it open up a world of possibilities - because *anything* has got to be better than death. So you are finally ready to do all of those things that you normally would not do, because hey what's the worst thing that can happen. Take those risks - go out on that limb - cause if it breaks - you were goig to kill yourself anyway, so what have you got to lose. If you embarrass yourself - well - you won;t have to live with the consequences. Standing on the endge of that cliff, with the noose around your neck is the most *free* you will ever be. For once in your life you are at the helm - you
make all of the rules - you and only you are running the show. You are never more alive than the moment before you die. Use that power to your advantage - to show yourself that when you are in charge - it's your universe. And when you are willing to end your life to end your suffering, that there are million alternative options open to the man who has nothing to lose.
Forget about how other people see you.
Stop trying to live up to their epectations.
Try to forgive yourself - and everyone else
Burn the book of who you used to be
and write the new book of who you want to become.
Then just be that person.
All the best,
TMP
Dr migi
Bluelighter
sage words. Sad it isn't that easy to do. But im sure that if you really want to sucide, give to your life a last charge and change it! It's is when your desperate like that, that you will probably have the most energy to change all this.
Dont let the life get you down dude!
Dont let the life get you down dude!
Captain.Heroin
Bluelight Crew
Why what's wrong?
severely etarded
Bluelight Crew
fuck that shit man, there's better ones out there! I'm telling you, there is one out there that you deserve that will be faithful to you. I think the best ones are the ones you meet at school/work. It will be better the next time because of the bad experience you had, it will be very hard for you to trust, you'll stay distant, and if it doesn't work out you won't be hurt that bad. and fuck any chicks you meet in bars or raves, parties, etc. Those are almost always dirty tramps. good for a good time, but nothing more
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
tommy34
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Sep 13, 2010
- Messages
- 313
All I do is whinge about myself on here. But I need help and encouragement. I can't bring myself to call the psychologist because I don't beleive that it will help me and I don't beleive that I deserve the help. Since I was about 7 I thought the way I would die would be suicide. I have grown up to realize what that means and I couldn't do it to my family. I feel like I'm trapped in this shitty body and mind forever. I try to get my hands on whatever I can to escape reality for a while. I don't want to have to do this for the rest of my life. I'm only 20 so I have another 50 years of it left. My moods and beliefs change so quickly I don't even know myself. I know I love my girlfriend but sometimes I don't feel it, just feel numb.
Hey tommy, sorry to hear that you've been struggling with this for such a long time. I can relate to several things you said in your post because I've felt like that sometimes as well. Have you ever told your parents or your girlfriend these types of thoughts that you have?
It's good that in a way you're not allowing suicide to be an option because of the devestating effect it would have on the people who love you. So you have to assess all the available options to improve your situation. Do you feel like seeing the psychologist has ever helped you with anything? How long have you been seeing them?
It's good that in a way you're not allowing suicide to be an option because of the devestating effect it would have on the people who love you. So you have to assess all the available options to improve your situation. Do you feel like seeing the psychologist has ever helped you with anything? How long have you been seeing them?
Captain.Heroin
Bluelight Crew
Feeling like you don't deserve help is part of being depressed, it's something you can overcome. You just need to remember that how you feel isn't necessarily the truth, that emotions are passing, and that you will feel better again if you work on what you need to.
GirlInterrupted
Bluelighter
Ever since I quit dope life just doesn't feel the same anymore.
Every single second of the day I'm thinking about heroin or death.
I feel like I have no more purpose for living. Life just lost it's fun in a way. Like what the hell am I fighting for? I just feel that people take life a little to serious sometimes.
Lately I have been having stange crazy impulses to kill myself. I tried to jump out of the car on the freeway...I don't even know why. My friend pulled me back in and I kinda scared her.
I don't think I'm depressed to be honest. I just think life is a big stupid circus that I'm getting sick and tired of. I just want to die just to die. Man kind has became completely rediculous and I'm embarrassed to be human sometimes.
I might not make sense, but is anyone else on the same boat as me?
Every single second of the day I'm thinking about heroin or death.
I feel like I have no more purpose for living. Life just lost it's fun in a way. Like what the hell am I fighting for? I just feel that people take life a little to serious sometimes.
Lately I have been having stange crazy impulses to kill myself. I tried to jump out of the car on the freeway...I don't even know why. My friend pulled me back in and I kinda scared her.
I don't think I'm depressed to be honest. I just think life is a big stupid circus that I'm getting sick and tired of. I just want to die just to die. Man kind has became completely rediculous and I'm embarrassed to be human sometimes.
I might not make sense, but is anyone else on the same boat as me?
Captain.Heroin
Bluelight Crew
For one, I am glad you quit using, congratulations! It takes a lot of will power and self control to do that.
Second, how long have you stayed off heroin for? It can take a really long time to get back to feeling all right. Even after the acute withdrawals, PAWS can take a much longer time.
Third, I am sorry you feel this way. You aren't alone. Many people go through these feelings. It is common to feel this way, especially after you have quit using heroin.
Captain.Heroin
Bluelight Crew
I'm really glad to hear a medication change helped you out so much. What change did you make if you don't mind me asking?
GirlInterrupted
Bluelighter
Your experience is quite relatable. After a suicide attempt I was put in intensive therapy and counseling for some time. I didn't think it would work but it did. I was nice to be able to talk to people and not feel so crazy.
I still contemplate suicide a lot though and it's still damn appealing.
In a weird ass way I wish I was back in the mental health facilities. I had no worries there. You didn't have to worry about time, money, and other people.
GirlInterrupted
Bluelighter
For one, I am glad you quit using, congratulations! It takes a lot of will power and self control to do that.
Second, how long have you stayed off heroin for? It can take a really long time to get back to feeling all right. Even after the acute withdrawals, PAWS can take a much longer time.
Third, I am sorry you feel this way. You aren't alone. Many people go through these feelings. It is common to feel this way, especially after you have quit using heroin.
Well I didn't quit by my will. God basically left me with no other choice.
My car got wrecked = No transportation to get dope.
My ex buddy who i used to shoot dope with took my syringe, money, and dope.
He has avoided me ever since and I can't find him anymore.
As PISSED as I was. I forgave him. I know how he feels.
Then to top it all off my cell phone got stolen. I lost ALL my contacts. ALL my dealers numbers. I was about ready to shoot someone.
This all can not happen coincidentally.
I've been off heroin for about 2 months.
Captain.Heroin
Bluelight Crew
Damn, that is a really rough break with each occurrence!
I am sorry to hear you had to go through all of that. To be honest, even that wouldn't have stopped some people; so I hope you can at least partially attribute getting clean to your own will.
I have been off of heroin for over 2 years now and couldn't be happier.
I know what you mean. When I was on an SSRI (sertraline), I was OK, but coming off of it definitely comes along with an increased likelihood to consider taking your own life/attempting to. Coming off of it is so horrible. The brain zaps are the worst. I could expand upon how horrible it was for me but I'll choose not to. I would voluntarily go through heroin withdrawal again before I would ever get on SSRI's again (and that is saying something, I would never choose to use heroin/full agonist opiates long term ever again).
zombiesarepeaceful
Bluelighter
I'm coming to realize that it's amphetamine withdrawal that is making me suicidal, depressed.
But I can't talk to my friends about it, because I don't advertise the fact that I am prescribed drugs...abusable drugs..and am sort of paranoid that if I display a large plethora of knowledge about drugs...that they'll assume I do other druugs. Which I do. But that's not the point. I don't want them to know i do any sort of drug because they're not cool with anything outside of weed. So, yeah. Anyhow. I don't know how to stop this landslide. I have my meds again, but had to give away 20 pills to the guy who gave me the money for my script so i could refill it before i lost my mind. I take it as prescribed, but between doses I get suicidally depressed and unmotivated, and its fuckign with my job, my life, everything. help?
But I can't talk to my friends about it, because I don't advertise the fact that I am prescribed drugs...abusable drugs..and am sort of paranoid that if I display a large plethora of knowledge about drugs...that they'll assume I do other druugs. Which I do. But that's not the point. I don't want them to know i do any sort of drug because they're not cool with anything outside of weed. So, yeah. Anyhow. I don't know how to stop this landslide. I have my meds again, but had to give away 20 pills to the guy who gave me the money for my script so i could refill it before i lost my mind. I take it as prescribed, but between doses I get suicidally depressed and unmotivated, and its fuckign with my job, my life, everything. help?
TheMerryPrankster
Bluelighter
I really feel for you - and I know exactly how you feel. I have emerged psychologically from a situation not that different to yours. And I have similar feelings about letting people know some stuff about me - even here on Bluelight - in a way especially here on bluelight, as it is the people in here who's opinions matter to me more than those who judge from the podum of ignorance.
I am an island. I belong no-where. My children are my family - that is to say that my family are my descendants - I have no ancestral family left. No safety net. No one to lean on - and no-one to care. No-one to prove myself to. No-one's expectations to live up to. And like you, I was drowning. And I saw my drug problems (also a mix of prescription and non-prescription) in much the way you see yours. And I knew that I could not conquer them - at least not at the time.
I was in a pit that had no escape - I felt - or was told by all and sundry - that to get my life back together I had to first quit drugs. But I had no way to quit - no support - no family - no net. So instead I fought to have my drugs sanctioned. I just wouldn't take no for an answer - I demanded my right to a life wothout suffering. And I accepted thatI was a drug addict - and that at this point in my life, I needed to be - because if I did not have a life to come back to - there was no way that I was going to come back. I had to build something worth quitting drugs for, in order for there to be a strong enough reason for me to quit.
And in this acceptance, I started to find some peace. I removed the unrealistic expectation of trying to quit when I knew I couldn't, and focused instead on no longer judging myself, or being concerned with being judged by others, and instead on living my life without guilt, in the pursuit of happiness.
And I have found it - am finding it - will continue to find it. Maybe at some point I will stop taking the prescription drugs - if and when I feel strong enough to manage without them. I am finally at a point where I see at least the vague potential of cutting down. But I put my mental balance first. It is not the drugs that I take that define me - it is not my brain chemistry that portrays me - it is the behaviour that I exhibit that matters. It is how I treat others that matters.
I don't know if Captain Heroin will agree with what I have said here - because clearly he is a bigger man than I, having conquered his monkey. It's probably a way better way to follow his example - a path of true strength.
But if you simply do not have that strength - if you are - in the end - going to lose the fight - then I offer the alternative of accepting who you are at the moment - that you stop judging yourself - that you forgive yourself - and that you invest your energy in building something worth living for, before you take on the challenge of being the best thatyou can be.
Peace,
TMP
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