jackie jones
Bluelight Crew
^Absolutely.
-
The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
Posting Rules Bluelight Rules Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines Bereavement Mindfulness Suicide Support Anger Management -
TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android
Suicide thread, for assitance and support for all things related to suicide
- Thread starter n3ophy7e
- Start date
- Status
Ixchellian
Bluelighter
no worries! and gotten better you have, lately. your sentences get a little sideways/disjointed sometimes. I know how it can be, that stress makes it difficult.
I understand & speak Deutsch pretty well, and we/they talk like Yoda. its an active language in my family, Germans and Polish they are.
Plus what with all the gender functions, untranslatables, and tense differences..... it can be pretty fun.
Finnish and Estonian just make my head hurt even to think of learning them, and Dutch makes my eyes wobble
Finn sounds way cooler than Norse or Swedish.
edit: I can't think of its name right now, but recently I saw a Finnish movie (written, filmed, directed by) about the Winter/Continuation War with the Soviets. it's really excellently done, quite on par with our Saving Pvt. Ryan. I think it was done........ '04?
Last edited:
TheMerryPrankster
Bluelighter
Hey Donnie,
I have to second that motion - the kid thing. If you read my post, you will have seen that in the end the thing that kept me from going through it - despite feeling 'morally justified' as well - was because of my kids. I feel the need to elaborate on this - so I apologize in advance if it pisses you off.
Please take it as given that I understand your reasons for whating to end your life - whever those reasons are. I was thee, for years, and could justify it completely as well. At that point in time, if I had died, the *only* people who would have even shed a tear would have been my kids. I had *no-one* - I was so poor I was just surviving fron day to day - I was in serious physical pain for which I could not get any effective treatment. Just making it from morning till night was more than I felt I could handle - and I never wanted to wake up in the morening because I knew that nothing was going to change.
The only reason I did not go through with it was because of my kids - and I would like to explain a bit more about this - because just saying it like I have doesn't really explain *why* my kids prevente my going through with it. If I say anything here that's a little harsh or personal, I do apologize. I will be as respectful as I can, but I think you have to at least consider this.
I know that my arguments at the times were that my kids would probably be better off without me. I was depressed, poor, unhappy, lonely, and very, very angry. I figured what use am I to my kids like this - what possible positive contribution can I make for them - wouln't they be better off with me just as a memory - especially iof I could make my death look accidental.
But there's more to it than that. The first consideration was - what if the kids were the ones to find me. I mean what a total fauck for them - what kind of lifetimescarring would they have - how would they ever process this and not abd up spychologically damaged. They woud likely develop a phbia for the rest of their lives that they were going to lose people they loved. And you know how kids minds can work, they would likely end up finding a way to blame themselves for it - feel that they were not good enough kids, and that they at very least contributed to their dad killing himself. They probably wouldn't recognize it at the consciouslevel, and as such would probably never work through it - and as they got older they'd forget the reason- and just be scrred in ways that would accect every interpersonal relatinoship they ever had. And much, much more.
Losing a parent is tough as it is. Losing a parent in this way a guaranteed recipe for an unhappy life. If I am guilting you out at all, then that's probably a good thing. As parents we *have* to realize that the responsibility of defining who our children are is the biggest one that we could ever face. I had no indea until recently (my lids are 11 and 13) just how absolutely we affect them - mould them - define them.
So I'm sure that you have gioven a lot of though to this already - I doubt you would have evr been cavalier about it, and I'm not trying to infer it. But it is possible that you have only thought about it in terms of you dying, them finding out, being unhappy, but eventually getting over it - and going on to life happy lifes without the destructive influence of the unhappy and suicidal father.
NOT!!!
You see no matter what kind of fuck ups we are - nomatter how worthless ofr useless we may see ourselves - our kinds love us unconditionally - and even in cases where a fathyer does not get along with his father at all - even if he is abused by his father - he is still going to be seeking his fathers approval. It is prorammed into us at the deepest level. As much as we want our parents to love us - we want them to be proud of us. If even for a moment, your kids thought that their existence might have contributed to your decision - then you will have created the exact opposite of what every kid wants. Not only will they never have the chance to earn your respect and admiration, they will likely always believe that it was their fault.
This scarring will go so deep in them, that they will probably end up suffering lifelong depression, be unable to form lasting interpersonal relationships - be extremely clingy people, and whoknows what else.
Your suicide would extend way beyond the tragedy. In ending your own pain, you would potentially be sentencing your children to a life filled with pain.
Perhaps i am painting the worst case scenario here - but even if extreme - you really should consider this - seriously - get a second opinion - or a hundred opinions. And if I have offended you, please understand that I am not judging you. I was there - I've only been back - completely back - for just over a year.
There were times that I almost resented my kinds for forcing me to live in such emotional and physical agony. SO I figured that I would just stay alive long enough for them to be old enough to deal with it. I was willing to suffer for another 7 or 8 years - and then, when they were old enough, I would explain it to them, and then finally end my torture.
As it happened - I got to a point where I started making a reall effort to change my life. It took every oubnce of strength I had and it was a long slow process - but finally last year I found what I thought I needed - and by this year enough is in plkace that I am independantly almost-happy and the future has great potential. And no -my problems are not all over - but I am no longer suicidal and I have opened doors that I want to go through and explore. I not only on;t want to die - I want to live. And as much as staying alive just for the sake of my kids seemed a bum deal, now I think - OMG - what if I had done it, and lost this opportunity to really fix all those things that made me that way in the first place.
So that's it - I don;t know if this will make any difference to the way you feel - but please - for your kids sake if not for yours - avail yourself of this mazingly supportive community - where you can talk without being judge, scream without being recoiled from, and cry in the arms of a community that all feel the way that I do.
I wish you very well, and hope that you find something to hold onto while you get through this difficult time. And if you end up not finding what you need, there are still a multitude of solutions that involve giving up your life, but not ending it. But that's a topic for another time.
Best wishes,
TheMerryPrankster
donnie080208
Bluelighter
@merryprankster
My kids are 2 and my boys just turned 3, i havent seen them in 5 months. I respect and have thought about what you said and im wondering, if i dont leave suicide notes ( which ive allready written ) plus , i'll be mixing benzos with i.v. heroin it would make the suicide look like an accidental overdose ( maybe a relapse after being "clean for years?) minus the notes. I think this plan, when i do it, will be far better on the psychcological impact of my death (on my baby's) when they get older. They have a wonderful mummy who looks after them well, doesnt take drugs etc..
I havent worked for 12 years and live on alone on benefits, plus i struggle mentally leaving the house/ paranoia etc..., my main reason for wanting to die is ridding myself of MY MENTAL torture BUT a part of my reasoning is this..., im ashamed of what my kids will think of me when they get a bit older. Why dont you work dad?/why do you stay in all day dad? in psych hospital? etc etc
Please forgive me god, i only want to hurt and only have hate for myself these days, ive never thought of myself as bad but ive done some terrible things drunk and while ill ,which landed me in prisons, when really i should have been on meds in a hospital. I feel dirty all the time, no matter what fancy clothes ive got on , or however clean i am.
Meds dont help except the "good" ones that actually work and docs rarely give them out i,e strong opiates/benzo's. sorry for the incoherant, self pitying rambling. It s very early morn + had 120mg done and 50mg diazepam, off to sleep soon for my vivid nightmare sessions, possibly wont get these with the ingested drugs i guess.
MENTAL PAIN /HEALTH/ TORTURE/PROBLEMS IS WORSE THAN PICKING UP A DRUG ADDICTION, DOCTOR
My kids are 2 and my boys just turned 3, i havent seen them in 5 months. I respect and have thought about what you said and im wondering, if i dont leave suicide notes ( which ive allready written ) plus , i'll be mixing benzos with i.v. heroin it would make the suicide look like an accidental overdose ( maybe a relapse after being "clean for years?) minus the notes. I think this plan, when i do it, will be far better on the psychcological impact of my death (on my baby's) when they get older. They have a wonderful mummy who looks after them well, doesnt take drugs etc..
I havent worked for 12 years and live on alone on benefits, plus i struggle mentally leaving the house/ paranoia etc..., my main reason for wanting to die is ridding myself of MY MENTAL torture BUT a part of my reasoning is this..., im ashamed of what my kids will think of me when they get a bit older. Why dont you work dad?/why do you stay in all day dad? in psych hospital? etc etc
Please forgive me god, i only want to hurt and only have hate for myself these days, ive never thought of myself as bad but ive done some terrible things drunk and while ill ,which landed me in prisons, when really i should have been on meds in a hospital. I feel dirty all the time, no matter what fancy clothes ive got on , or however clean i am.
Meds dont help except the "good" ones that actually work and docs rarely give them out i,e strong opiates/benzo's. sorry for the incoherant, self pitying rambling. It s very early morn + had 120mg done and 50mg diazepam, off to sleep soon for my vivid nightmare sessions, possibly wont get these with the ingested drugs i guess.
MENTAL PAIN /HEALTH/ TORTURE/PROBLEMS IS WORSE THAN PICKING UP A DRUG ADDICTION, DOCTOR
Last edited:
Captain.Heroin
Bluelight Crew
Yes, but the LD50's are ridiculously high. I know someone who has since passed away from an overdose, but once took 3,000 mg of diazepam and didn't die.
Captain.Heroin
Bluelight Crew
I still think you have the wrong idea. You want to asphyxiate on your own vomit? That's a *horrible* way to go out of this world and it's NOT worth it!
This would not be a painless death and you would regret it, even if you did go through with it.
TheMerryPrankster
Bluelighter
Wow! I can so relate to pretty much all of that. I know exactly where you're coming from. I'm pretty tired right now and don;t have the energy to devote the the response that this warrants. But stick around, because Iknow that what I have to share with you will if nothing else hopefully make you feel a bit better about yourself - but I'm thinking that I might prefer to use the PMB for this conversation. Let me know if you're interested.
tmp
retardarse
Greenlighter
i have tried killing my self many time over these past few weeks. they all have been unsuccessful as you can see. i tried some methods <snip> ive tried x grams of acetaminophen that just made me go to bathroom. Recently i tried x grams of pseudoephedrine aka sudafed i felt like it was going to happen but idk. today gonna take another x grams we will see what happens. 
Last edited by a moderator:
- Joined
- Apr 4, 2006
- Messages
- 19,497
i have tried killing my self many time over these past few weeks. they all have been unsuccessful as you can see. <snip>
You need help it's that simple. I know a person that did just about everything you said there and damn near died once atleast but she has since gotten help and has gotten the mental illness she had diagnosed and treated and shes doing awesome
. When i first got to know her i honestly did not think she would live another year but nope about 5 years on she is doing fine.So see theres hope for everyone. So please get some help go see someone about this or hell talk to someone because even that helps. Fuck knows ive been there often enough myself.
Last edited by a moderator:
retardarse
Greenlighter
You need help it's that simple. I know a person that did just about everything you said there and damn near died once atleast but she has since gotten help and has gotten the mental illness she had diagnosed and treated and shes doing awesome
So see theres hope for everyone. So please get some help go see someone about this or hell talk to someone because even that helps. Fuck knows ive been there often enough myself.
thanks actually doing that tomorrow after another failed attempt
Please get some help retardarse, it is clearly not your time to die yet 
Let us know how you're going okay? There's a lot of support right here in The Dark Side so feel free to reach out when you're ready. You can PM one of us mods if you need to talk to someone, any time. Good luck and please take care of yourself
Let us know how you're going okay? There's a lot of support right here in The Dark Side so feel free to reach out when you're ready. You can PM one of us mods if you need to talk to someone, any time. Good luck and please take care of yourself
Captain.Heroin
Bluelight Crew
I hate to be the bearer of bad news (which is actually good news, you'll just take this as bad news...) but if 3.6g of pseudoephedrine didn't kill you the first time, why do you think it will happen the second time?
I have hypertension so I am sure that amount would kill me (one tablet of pseudoephedrine and my BP is 170+ over 100+) but it's not worth enduring that amount of uncomfortable CNS stimulation, accompanied with the anxiety/erratic nature of stimulants!
Have you tried talking to friends/family about the way you feel? If you are seriously still considering taking the pseudoephedrine, why don't you just check yourself into the hospital for a while?
Please reconsider the value of your own life.
~DoWnR~
Greenlighter
i think of suicide at least twice a day and im seriously about to go through with it i have 10 oxy 80s and a hand full of xanax i am in no way looking for attention this is it but everytime i go to swallow the drugs i think maybe i just need to talk to someone about it.... so i told my self if talking to someone anybody would make me feel any better at all i wouldnt do it so plz somebody anybody at all that thinks they could be of any help p.m me i am currently on about six yellow busses a few ocs would do me in so thiss is mmy last atempt to better myselffgh
Captain.Heroin
Bluelight Crew
Orangutangpsychopa
Bluelighter
no worries! and gotten better you have, lately. your sentences get a little sideways/disjointed sometimes. I know how it can be, that stress makes it difficult.
I understand & speak Deutsch pretty well, and we/they talk like Yoda. its an active language in my family, Germans and Polish they are.
Plus what with all the gender functions, untranslatables, and tense differences..... it can be pretty fun.
Finnish and Estonian just make my head hurt even to think of learning them, and Dutch makes my eyes wobble
Finn sounds way cooler than Norse or Swedish.
edit: I can't think of its name right now, but recently I saw a Finnish movie (written, filmed, directed by) about the Winter/Continuation War with the Soviets. it's really excellently done, quite on par with our Saving Pvt. Ryan. I think it was done........ '04?
Yes i know the conclusion, benzos have very high LD50 but combining them with opiates are in some cases lethal/causing breathing suppression. What i mean all of you, suicide is serious business, choking into vomit sound awfull those who are healthy and don't understand the deep reasons, their always deep. I know a lot of cases. Why some barely 18 goodlooking girl dissolves boxes of neuroleptics into kettle etc...Suicide is very common in Finland, one thing is hospitalisation spirals, polydrug problem/addiction and very exactly, years continuing physical pain. 4mg of bupre with few midazolams is enough, so probably that my pill bottles doubled.
But i wouldn't get into nationalism about Finland in the WW2 wars, i hope you understand that it needs to be councelled without honour...Or stay silent, my granpa was in them both, their not talkative, most of any of the veterans...Do you understand why...
And about talking, if the meaning are foul who cares, some people are "curly" from mind instead of straight mind. My purpose here is tripping, i consumecd some 35-38Gs of Morning glories in the weekend and didn't get into shaking, jaw problematic fearfull idiot. But low blood consentration of Clozapine(O-desmethyl clozapine isn't most of any) did give odd bodily feelings and good visual side, but now i'll wait and take 20Gs trip when clozapine blood consentration is down. And then buy more when cash. My idea of psychedelics is to eat very good and dare the visuals. Why the hell it is very much better that Morning glories than HBWRs. And why the hell it's a connecting of something that is the trips basic element. In larget and smaller consepts and in visual/in mind. Those who chew them get best rresults but i'm weakened in life and swallow then rinsed/soaked/coffee milled/.
And i don't hate anyone here, it's that thing, that my mental sickness, schitsophrenia. It involves hostility and negative mind sometimes.
Now i give a holy promise to world that i intentiously don't hurt any lifeforms. I do it in melancholia. Conclusion was rich life with fruits a lot.
Captain.Heroin
Bluelight Crew
Why is suicide so common in Finland, if I may ask? I was reading about this and I wondered what contributes to this.
I am also sorry to hear you have schizophrenia. And I am also sorry to hear you are "weakened in life" - do you want to talk about what this is like for you?
- Joined
- Apr 4, 2006
- Messages
- 19,497
Ive heard that about Finland as well that it has one of the highest rates of suicide of any country inspite of it being listed as one of the best countries to live in. Maybe it's the weather as there tends to be higher suicide rates in places like Finland that have long winters but who knows.
I was actually very fucking surprised when i looked up the province i live in in Canada and found that atleast the part of the province where i live (not the mainland part theres a very high suicide rate there) has one of the lowest if not the lowest rate of suicide in canada. This inspite of the really dreary weather, widespread poverty, the highest rate of unemployment in the country and being the poorest province in Canada. This along with the very high rate of alcohol and drug abuse as well. I thought it would be one of the highest in Canada but nope i was proved wrong. Saying that i know way too many people here who have offed themselves.
I was actually very fucking surprised when i looked up the province i live in in Canada and found that atleast the part of the province where i live (not the mainland part theres a very high suicide rate there) has one of the lowest if not the lowest rate of suicide in canada. This inspite of the really dreary weather, widespread poverty, the highest rate of unemployment in the country and being the poorest province in Canada. This along with the very high rate of alcohol and drug abuse as well. I thought it would be one of the highest in Canada but nope i was proved wrong. Saying that i know way too many people here who have offed themselves.
- Status