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Sick, Twisted & Wrong Jokes - Part II

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theres no stopping me now LOL youve created a monster.

Q: Why did God create alcohol?
A: So ugly people would have a chance to have sex.

Q: What does Michael Jackson and McDonald's have in common?
A: They both put their meat between 12-year-old buns.

Q: What do you call an asian walking a black dog?
A: A vegetarian.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.


Q: What is the first sign of AIDS?
A: A pounding sensation in the ass.

Q: What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting?
A: Sticks it in Olive Oil.

Q: Why do farts smell?
A: For the hearing impaired.


Q: Why doesn't Santa have any children?
A: Because he only comes once a year, down the chimney.

Q: What do Ethiopians and Yoko Ono have in common?
A: They both live off dead Beatles.

Q: What's green, slimy and smells like Miss Piggy?
A: Kermit's Finger

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A: A stick.

The patient says, "Give me the bad news first!"
The Doctor replies, "You've got AIDS."
"Oh, no! What could be worse than that?" asks the patient.
"You've also got Alzheimer's Disease."
Looking relieved the patient says, "Oh...Well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS."

Q: What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
A: Men always miss them.

Q: Why does a woman cry with joy when she walks down the marriage aisle?
A: She realizes that she gave her last blowjob

Q: What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
A: You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.

Q: Why does Monica Lewinsky have such puffy cheeks?
A: She's withholding evidence.

Q: Why don't women fart?
A: Because they can't keep their mouths shut long enough for pressure to build up.
 
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Nursery Rhymes

Little Miss Muffet

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
Her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider
That crept up beside her,
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.

Mary Had a Another Lamb

Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's ass,
And turned it's wool to nylon.

Georgy Porgy

Georgie Porgy, pudding and pie.
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, cause he was gay.

Old Mother Hubbard

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
to fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over
Rover took over,
And gave her a bone of his own.

"Santas beats off onto the christmas cake"
- Anti-Christmas League
 
A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
"Nice bike," the cop said. "Did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a L5 ticket for a safety
violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on
the back of it ".
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you've got there
sir, Did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
 
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mummy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.

"Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden".
 
onetwothreefour said:
i want to make a t-shirt that says 'the virgin mary gives great head,' or perhaps even, 'the virgin mary swallows'.

would that be blasphemous?
Click to expand...
Yeah, you might get a screaming pitchfork wielding mob of christians after you for that.

or

'God whispers: 'Virgin Mary? I fucked her!'
 
onetwothreefour said:
i want to make a t-shirt that says 'the virgin mary gives great head,' or perhaps even, 'the virgin mary swallows'.

would that be blasphemous?
Click to expand...


Not exact, but god bless the boys at T-Shirt Hell.

a429.gif
 
Catholic Girls

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish.

They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.Peter.

St. Peter asks the first girl,
"Gloria, have you ever had contact with a penis?"

She giggles and shyly replies,
"Well I once touched one with the tip of my finger..."

St. Peter says,
"Ok, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gates."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question,
"Catherine, have you ever had contact with a penis?"

The girl is a little reluctant but replies,
"Well once I fondled and stroked one."

St. Peter says,
"OK, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate."

All of the sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.
When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says,
"Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"

The girl replies,
"Well, If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Yolanda sticks her arse in it!"
 
onetwothreefour said:
i want to make a t-shirt that says 'the virgin mary gives great head,' or perhaps even, 'the virgin mary swallows'.

would that be blasphemous?
Click to expand...

I'm hopefully getting a t-shirt within the next few days that says
"Wash your hands after touching Christians"
With a picture of hands being washed underneath the writing.

This doesn't come under the catagory of a joke but I heard someone today say they were sweater than a paedophile at a wiggles conset.

Jimity have you been to Rottoncotten.com?
They have some good shit there.
 
onetwothreefour said:
i want to make a t-shirt that says 'the virgin mary gives great head,' or perhaps even, 'the virgin mary swallows'.

would that be blasphemous?
Click to expand...

My friend at work made one that said "God loves the virgin mary" and "all night long" on the back or something thereabouts.

It was only done with black texta but it was humourous none the less.
 
onetwothreefour said:
i want to make a t-shirt that says 'the virgin mary gives great head,' or perhaps even, 'the virgin mary swallows'.

would that be blasphemous?
Click to expand...

I've always thought

"Mary: Fucked by God" was an appropriate catchphrase for our holy mother. It's in the bible you know!!

And the best t-shirt done make0shift with a texta said "Eat geriatrics". I liked that.
 
AUSTRALIANS EXPLAINED
1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.
2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.
3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.
4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or, just conceivably, a wharfie.
5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce.
6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallet by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever >worked this out. We might have very stupid thieves. Or really stinky sandshoes.
7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful >than the milk crate.
8. All our best heroes are losers.
9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.
10. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.
11. A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped.
12. It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard".Your enemy on the other hand, is "a bit of a bastard"
13. Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s,and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship".
Alternatively we are just really bad at names.
14. The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself,but more so to neighbourhood mosquitoes.
15. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing.
16. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that just happens to have the swimming pool.
17. It's considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself.
18. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.
19. The poisoning of Phar Lap remains the purest example of what happens when Australians attempt to take on the outside world.
20. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine, but then spend all night drinking the host's beer. Don't worry, he'll have catered for it.
21. If there were any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go.
22. When tipping in a restaurant, we add 10 per cent and then round down to the nearest large-denomination note. Yet, miraculously, we still believe we tipped 10 per cent.
23. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. Or at least not acted upon. You should take everything. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you are not trying.
24. Unless ethnic, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or fence-leaning is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards
are for.
25. Out in the bush, the tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.
26. A flash sportscar driven by a middle-aged man does not incite envy as in America but hilarity.
27. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home.
28. When on a country holiday, the motel neon advertising the pool will always be slightly larger than the actual pool.
29. The men are tough, but the women are tougher.
30. The chief test of manhood is one's ability to install a beach umbrella in high winds.
31. Australians love new technology. Years after their introduction,most conversations on mobile phones are principally about the fact
that the call is "being made on my mobile".
32. There comes a time in every Australian's life >when one realises that the Aeroguard is far, far worse than the flies.
33. And, finally, don't let the tourist books fool you. >No-one says "cobber".
 
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel, and getting up to maximum speed in the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice.

"Have you got a license for that thing?"

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper,
and held it up to him.

"OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold
popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP!

"Have you got proof of insurance?"

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it
up to him. Harold nodded, and said "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig
stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with an erection....

"Oh, good grief," cried Ethel, "not the Breathalyzer again!"
 
Pop Popavich said:
Q: Whats the first thing a woman should do when she gets out of the Battered Wives shelter?

A: The dishes, if she knows whats good for her!
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:)
 
A Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:

"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His girlfriend lying in bed replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, dickhead."

The man returns: " I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
 
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.

The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The Husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
 
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