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Sick, Twisted & Wrong Jokes - Part II

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Funniest Joke Ever!!! EVER!!!!

A couple was going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all Dolled up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don't want the dog shut in the house, So the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains To the taxi driver: "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long"
he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!"

The silence in the cab was deafening.
 
Two Middle Eastern mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The elder of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now" "Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully. "He's a martyr now though" mom confides. "Oh so sad dear" says the other.

"And this is my second son Kalid. He's 21" "Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born". "He's a martyr too" says mom quietly. "Oh gracious me." says the other.

"And this is my third son. My baby, my beautiful Ahmed, he's 18, she whispers. "Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school". "He's a martyr also," says mom, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs. "They just blow up so fast, don't they?"

:D
 
President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?"

The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III."

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits."

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?"

Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you no-one CARES about the 140 million Muslims"
 
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.


The librarian says;

"Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
 
Fucken Classic Kat!!

The Hooker
A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"

Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job." Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Jesus Christ! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!" The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?" "Yes." "Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?" "Yes." "And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
"Yes." "Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those.
And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."

Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realising that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.
He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?" The hooker
replies, "$1,500." "$1,500? My God! No blow-job could be worth that. A
televangelist wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!" The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job,
decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up." Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.
He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.

He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.He asks the hooker, "How much for some
pussy?"

The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you
something.
Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all
those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"
"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
"No," the hooker replies,

"But I would if I had a pussy."
 
swifty said:
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment.

"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . that phrase . . in no time."

Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank.Our prayers have been answered!"
Click to expand...


hey, dingbat. you've posted the same joke twice in a week ;)
 
A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right
> outside of
> >the ladies dressing room for his Mom to come out.
> >
> >While waiting the little boy gets bored and just when his Mom comes
> walking
> >out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.
> >
> >"Get your hand out of there!" she shouts.
> >
> >"Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"
> >
> >The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky
> >stars
> he
> >didn't get bitten.
> >
> >For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women
> >have teeth between their legs.
> >
> >When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend.
> >
> >One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over
> >for a little action. After an hour of making out and grinding on the
> >sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you
> >want."
> >
> >"What do you mean?" he asks.
> >
> >"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to
> >her crotch.
> >
> >"HELL NO!" he cries, "you've got teeth down here!"
> >
> >"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no such thing as teeth
> >down there!"
> >
> >"Yes there are," he says, "my Mom told me so."
> >
> >"No there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself."
> >
> >With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.
> >
> >"No I'm sorry" he says.
> >
> >"My Mom already told me that ALL women have teeth down there."
> >
> >"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties,
> >throws
her
> >legs behind her head and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down
> >there."
> >
> >The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, after seeing the
> >condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!
 
An Australian woman was having a shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped over, did the splits an suctioned herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband Jacko. "Jacko! Jacko!" she yelled. Jacko came running in.
"Jacko, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said.
"Strewth!" Jacko said and tried to pull her up.
"You're just too heavy girl. I'll go across the road and get Bluey"(his mate).
They came back and they both tried to pull her up."No way. We can't do it" Bluey said "Lets try Plan C".
"Plan C?" exclaimed Jacko. "What's that"?
"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her".
"Spot on" Jacko said. "While your doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits"
"Play with her tits"? Bluey said, "Why the hell would you want to do that"?
Jacko replied "Well, I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive".
 
What do you do with a Jewish person with a short attention span?



Send them to concentration camp.



ouch

no opologies since it is pretty much in vein of the rest of this thread


Beech
 
A new father goes into the delivery room to see his newborn baby boy. The doctor pulls him aside and says " I have the most amazing news. Your boy can fly". The doctor sees the doubt in the fathers eyes so he offers a demonstration. He picks up the little boy, holds him high in the air and then lets go. The baby falls to the floor with a loud thump.

"You son of a bitch" says the new father, ready to kill the doctor. " Wait, something must be wrong. He flew this morning. Let me try again". He flings the boy across the room and he slams against the wall and slides down to the floor.

"Oh my god, I am going to kill you" says the father as he is running towards the baffeled doctor. "No no wait, I know what I did wrong. I promise it will work this time". He opens the window and tosses the kid out. The kid of course falls 7 stories and leaves a mess on the sidewalk below. By this time the father is choking the doctor. With his last breath the doctor says " I was just messing with you. Your son was born dead."
 
A doctor says to his patient Derek, "I've got good news and I've got bad news.
The bad news is you're showing signs of being a homosexual."
"With bad news like that, what could be the good news?" Derek asks.
"The good news is I think you're cute."


New Orleans Aftermath

President Bush has just released a statement following his investigation into the New Orleans disaster - He's blaming the whole thing on a Muslim suicide plumber.


President Bush has asked for pop groups to stage a benefit concert for the victims of New Orleans however Katrina and the Waves have been told to bugger off.



The Mayor of New Orleans has denied rumours the Mardi Gras is cancelled. He says he's expecting a record number of floats on Main St this year!



Five black men in purple dinner jackets & bow ties were found floating today under a pier in New Orleans. DNA tests later identified them as The Drifters. Rumour has it they were under the boardwalk, down by the sea.



Hurricane Katrina, typical woman! When she came she was warm, wild and wet. When she left she took the house and contents with her
 
^^^ Love the Bush jokes =D

*~*~*~*

NZ man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:

"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."


His girlfriend lying in bed replies:

" I think you'll find that's a sheep, dickhead."


The man returns:

" I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
 
Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

One leaned over and said, "Life is so darn boring.

We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.

The first fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause.

The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.

"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement."
 
^^^ Reminds me of this one:


A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house.
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for John to come home from work." The daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"John loves me to wear this dress," she explained.
"It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours. He can't get enough of me".

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home.
He walks in and sees her laying there provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing." he said, "What's for dinner?"
 
Did you hear Tampax have replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of tinsel.... They say it's only for the Christmas period.

A woman goes to her doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging out of her pussy. Doc say's 'that looks nasty'. She say's 'Nasty?, it's just the tip of the iceberg!


Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go
before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must
decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some
particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most
perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be
able to see them every day, for eternity."
The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The
Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and
gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."
Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of
God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a
commode and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?"
Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a
pair - no matter how big they are."


Beech
 
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