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AADD Moderators: andyturbo
Sick, Twisted & Wrong Jokes - Part II
- Thread starter Pleonastic
- Start date
- Status
FEMALE PRAYER
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's
not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong One who loves to
listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I
pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to help more.
Send a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to say to "how big's
my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to the end, And always be my very
best
friend.
Amen.
MALE PRAYER I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac chef with huge tits who owns a bottle shop and a big boat. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give
a shit
Amen to it.
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's
not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong One who loves to
listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I
pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to help more.
Send a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to say to "how big's
my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to the end, And always be my very
best
friend.
Amen.
MALE PRAYER I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac chef with huge tits who owns a bottle shop and a big boat. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give
a shit
Amen to it.
0ff1cer_ch0ps
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jan 31, 2004
- Messages
- 4,270
LMFAO!!! BEST EVER!!!
well not ever, but it is quality!
well not ever, but it is quality!
0ff1cer_ch0ps
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jan 31, 2004
- Messages
- 4,270
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up." "Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a hit man," was the reply. "You're joking!" was the response. "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools." "That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her...... He's naked, too!!! The bitch!" He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?" "I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger." "Can you do two for me now?" "Sure, what do you want?" "First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth." "Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson." The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....."
"Just be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....."
Glitter^Fairy
Bluelighter
deadhippo said:
ahahah!!!
m4dd0g
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Aug 20, 2005
- Messages
- 3,663
Just read this thread from the start .. you guys are piss funny.
Q: Daddy, what's a homosexual?
A: Shut up and keep sucking.
Q: What's the proper gift for a dead baby?
A: A dead puppy.
Q: What is red and hangs out in trees?
A: Think: Baby Vs Snow thrower.
Q: Mummy, mummy why do I keep turning in circles?
A: Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.
Q: What's the hardest thing about doing a sex-change operation on a man?
A: Sewing in the anchovies.
Q: What do you call OJ Simpson, David Koresh, and Mike Tyson?
A: The butcher, the baker, the license plate maker.
Q: Why do female paratroopers always use tampons?
A: So they don't whistle on the way down.
Q: What's the last thing that goes through a cat's mind when its hit by a truck?
A: His ass
Q: Why don't roosters have hands?
A: Cause chickens don't have tits.
Q: How do you know when your wife is dead?
A: When the sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q: Why did God create men?
A: Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.
Q: What's the difference between a Pregnant women and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew the light bulb.
Jesus walks into a hotel, puts 3 nails on the counter and says:
"Can you put me up for the night?"
Q: Daddy, what's a homosexual?
A: Shut up and keep sucking.
Q: What's the proper gift for a dead baby?
A: A dead puppy.
Q: What is red and hangs out in trees?
A: Think: Baby Vs Snow thrower.
Q: Mummy, mummy why do I keep turning in circles?
A: Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.
Q: What's the hardest thing about doing a sex-change operation on a man?
A: Sewing in the anchovies.
Q: What do you call OJ Simpson, David Koresh, and Mike Tyson?
A: The butcher, the baker, the license plate maker.
Q: Why do female paratroopers always use tampons?
A: So they don't whistle on the way down.
Q: What's the last thing that goes through a cat's mind when its hit by a truck?
A: His ass
Q: Why don't roosters have hands?
A: Cause chickens don't have tits.
Q: How do you know when your wife is dead?
A: When the sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q: Why did God create men?
A: Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.
Q: What's the difference between a Pregnant women and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew the light bulb.
Jesus walks into a hotel, puts 3 nails on the counter and says:
"Can you put me up for the night?"
Last edited:
Pop Popavich
Bluelighter
I went to a Muslim birthday party last night...
Fuck me, that's the fastest game of pass the parcel I've ever played!
Fuck me, that's the fastest game of pass the parcel I've ever played!
phase_dancer
Bluelight Crew
Something to offend almost everyone 
A prostitute with a single room decided she would get a partition installed so she could entertain 2 clients at once. A builder knocked up the partition in no time, and after he'd finished, he asked for his money. The girl explained that she didn't have it, but that she could pay for the job with sex. The builder complained and complained, then finally agreed, saying sex was better than nothing.
"I like it doggy style", he said
She positioned herself accordingly. He slobbered on his thumb and forefinger before inserting them in her rear orifices. She squealed in surprise. In a deep and completely dominating voice he said
"Now give me my money, or I'll rip out your partition"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Four bush walkers got lost in thick bush. After 5 days of no food or water they finally staggered onto a small cottage located in a clearing. In front of the cottage lay large racks of salted venison drying in the sun. The 4 drew straws to see who would approach the house to ask if they could eat some of it.
The guy who drew the short straw boldly wandered up to the cottage. As he approached he noticed an incredibly bad smell. It was so bad he hesitated for a moment, but looking back to his desperate mates, he decided he must continue. He got the cottage door only to notice the smell was much worse. Gagging slightly from the stench, he hesitated further before knocking on the door. Within a moment he was greeted by the most incredibly smelly old lady he'd ever met. Trying hard to suppress his dry retching, he politely explained that he and his mates had not eaten in 5 days, and asked if it were possible for them to eat some of the venison drying outside.
The incredibly smelly old lady replied " Of course you can, but as I haven't seen a man in 10 years, first you must satisfy me". He didn't know what to do, but knew he couldn't let his mates down. The incredibly smelly old lady led him by the hand inside. She lifted her dress and said "go for it big boy"
The smell was unbearable. Just when he thought there was no way out, he spotted a sack of corn cobs next to the bed. Positioning himself between her legs, and covered by her dress, he reached across, grabbed a corn cob, and went to work. The incredibly smelly old lady moaned and groaned, but before long the kernels had began to wear off the cob. He chucked it out the window and grabbed another.
And so he went until the sack and the incredibly smelly old lady were both exhausted. Huffing and puffing she looked hat him with a twinkle in her eye and said they could have as much venison as they wanted. He yelled out to his mates
"Hey guys, help yourself to the venison"
"Fuck the venison" cried one, "Just keep chucking out those hot buttered corncobs"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
quickies
Why do Aussie guys cum so quickly?
So they can run down to the pub and tell their mates
How does an Aussie guy give his girlfriend the fuck of her life?
Send her to bed with a Kiwi
What do you get if you cross a Kiwi with an Aussie
A dole bludging thief that's too lazy to steal
Why do Maori ladies have such big purses?
To carry their lipstick
Mummy Mummy, can I play with grandad?
No, you've already dug him up 3 times this week
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A prostitute with a single room decided she would get a partition installed so she could entertain 2 clients at once. A builder knocked up the partition in no time, and after he'd finished, he asked for his money. The girl explained that she didn't have it, but that she could pay for the job with sex. The builder complained and complained, then finally agreed, saying sex was better than nothing.
"I like it doggy style", he said
She positioned herself accordingly. He slobbered on his thumb and forefinger before inserting them in her rear orifices. She squealed in surprise. In a deep and completely dominating voice he said
"Now give me my money, or I'll rip out your partition"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Four bush walkers got lost in thick bush. After 5 days of no food or water they finally staggered onto a small cottage located in a clearing. In front of the cottage lay large racks of salted venison drying in the sun. The 4 drew straws to see who would approach the house to ask if they could eat some of it.
The guy who drew the short straw boldly wandered up to the cottage. As he approached he noticed an incredibly bad smell. It was so bad he hesitated for a moment, but looking back to his desperate mates, he decided he must continue. He got the cottage door only to notice the smell was much worse. Gagging slightly from the stench, he hesitated further before knocking on the door. Within a moment he was greeted by the most incredibly smelly old lady he'd ever met. Trying hard to suppress his dry retching, he politely explained that he and his mates had not eaten in 5 days, and asked if it were possible for them to eat some of the venison drying outside.
The incredibly smelly old lady replied " Of course you can, but as I haven't seen a man in 10 years, first you must satisfy me". He didn't know what to do, but knew he couldn't let his mates down. The incredibly smelly old lady led him by the hand inside. She lifted her dress and said "go for it big boy"
The smell was unbearable. Just when he thought there was no way out, he spotted a sack of corn cobs next to the bed. Positioning himself between her legs, and covered by her dress, he reached across, grabbed a corn cob, and went to work. The incredibly smelly old lady moaned and groaned, but before long the kernels had began to wear off the cob. He chucked it out the window and grabbed another.
And so he went until the sack and the incredibly smelly old lady were both exhausted. Huffing and puffing she looked hat him with a twinkle in her eye and said they could have as much venison as they wanted. He yelled out to his mates
"Hey guys, help yourself to the venison"
"Fuck the venison" cried one, "Just keep chucking out those hot buttered corncobs"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
quickies
Why do Aussie guys cum so quickly?
So they can run down to the pub and tell their mates
How does an Aussie guy give his girlfriend the fuck of her life?
Send her to bed with a Kiwi
What do you get if you cross a Kiwi with an Aussie
A dole bludging thief that's too lazy to steal
Why do Maori ladies have such big purses?
To carry their lipstick
Mummy Mummy, can I play with grandad?
No, you've already dug him up 3 times this week
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
waspman⌐
Bluelighter
Jacks wife was very sick, so he took her to the doctor.
the doctor said to him "i'm going to take a blood sample so i can figure out what is wrong with your wife, come back in 2 weeks and i will have the results."
2 weeks later jack goes back to the doctors surgery to find a pile of rubble where the doctor once worked. the doctor was standing next to the rubble shaking his head.
"did you get the results doctor?" jack asked
"i got your wifes result back and another patients result back yesterday afternoon, but i cant remember which result was for which person, and the test results are in the rubble. One of the results was AIDS and the other was alzhiemers"
"how will i know whats wrong with my wife?" asked jack worringly"
"take her for a drive into the country and then drive home without her" replied the doctor. "if she finds her way home, DONT FUCK HER"
the doctor said to him "i'm going to take a blood sample so i can figure out what is wrong with your wife, come back in 2 weeks and i will have the results."
2 weeks later jack goes back to the doctors surgery to find a pile of rubble where the doctor once worked. the doctor was standing next to the rubble shaking his head.
"did you get the results doctor?" jack asked
"i got your wifes result back and another patients result back yesterday afternoon, but i cant remember which result was for which person, and the test results are in the rubble. One of the results was AIDS and the other was alzhiemers"
"how will i know whats wrong with my wife?" asked jack worringly"
"take her for a drive into the country and then drive home without her" replied the doctor. "if she finds her way home, DONT FUCK HER"
m4dd0g
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Aug 20, 2005
- Messages
- 3,663
Little Jimmy gets to the front of the cue at the mall and goes up to sit on Santas lap.
After getting settled Santa puts his finger on Jimmys nose and says "I bet your name is (spells out ) J i m m y ?"
Little Jimmys eyes light up and Santa puts his finger on his nose again and says " I bet you want a (spelled out) b i k e ?"
Little Jimmys asks "How'd you know that ?"
Santa replied "Because I'm Santa I know everything".
Little Jimmy gets a funny look in his eye, puts his finger on Santas nose and says "I bet you like (spells out) g i r l s ?"
Santa says "Yes, but how'd you know that ?"
Jimmy says " Beacause your finger smells like p u s s y"
After getting settled Santa puts his finger on Jimmys nose and says "I bet your name is (spells out ) J i m m y ?"
Little Jimmys eyes light up and Santa puts his finger on his nose again and says " I bet you want a (spelled out) b i k e ?"
Little Jimmys asks "How'd you know that ?"
Santa replied "Because I'm Santa I know everything".
Little Jimmy gets a funny look in his eye, puts his finger on Santas nose and says "I bet you like (spells out) g i r l s ?"
Santa says "Yes, but how'd you know that ?"
Jimmy says " Beacause your finger smells like p u s s y"
The word they were given was "TIMBUKTU".
First to recite his poem was the university graduate.
He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy!
No way could the old aboriginal top that they thought.
But the old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a hunting went
Met three whores in a pop up tent
They was three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
The old aboriginal won.
First to recite his poem was the university graduate.
He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy!
No way could the old aboriginal top that they thought.
But the old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a hunting went
Met three whores in a pop up tent
They was three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
The old aboriginal won.
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars." Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would!
We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt. I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his
dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars..............but Realistically, .........we're living with two sluts and a poof."
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars." Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would!
We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt. I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his
dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars..............but Realistically, .........we're living with two sluts and a poof."
ian_strong
Bluelighter
a guy went to the optometrist, the dr took one look at him and said "mate, your gonna have to stop masturbating" "why" sid the guy "am i going blind?" "no" the doctor replied "your upsetting the other patients"
Pop Popavich
Bluelighter
ian_strong, thats gold! :D
Q: An aboriginal, a kiwi and a tongan are in a truck. Who's driving?
A: Corrective services.
Q: An aboriginal, a kiwi and a tongan are in a truck. Who's driving?
A: Corrective services.
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . that phrase . . in no time."
Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank.Our prayers have been answered!"
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . that phrase . . in no time."
Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank.Our prayers have been answered!"
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