Sick, Twisted & Wrong Jokes - Part II
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swifty
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Nov 6, 2004
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- 4,349
An elderly man marries a young woman and they are deeply in love.
However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never
achieves orgasm. So they decide to ask a sex therapist for advice. The
therapist listens to their story and makes the following suggestion:
"Hire a strapping young man and while the two of you are making love
have the young man wave a towel over you, as though he is fanning you
both. Make sure he is totally naked and she can see his manhood as he
fans you both with the towel. That will help your wife fantasise, and
should bring on a full-blown orgasm."
They go home and follow the therapist's advice. They hire a handsome
young man and he strips off and enthusiastically waves a towel over them
both as they make love. But it doesn't help and still the wife is
unsatisfied and frustrated.
Perplexed, they go back to the therapist. "Okay", he says, "let's try it
reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the
towel over them."
Once again, they follow the advice. The young man gets into bed with the
wife and the husband waves the towel. The hired hand really works with
great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking,
screaming, creaming orgasm. Smiling, the husband drops the towel, taps
the young man on the shoulder and says to him, triumphantly:
"THAT'S how you wave a fucking towel, Son!!!!
However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never
achieves orgasm. So they decide to ask a sex therapist for advice. The
therapist listens to their story and makes the following suggestion:
"Hire a strapping young man and while the two of you are making love
have the young man wave a towel over you, as though he is fanning you
both. Make sure he is totally naked and she can see his manhood as he
fans you both with the towel. That will help your wife fantasise, and
should bring on a full-blown orgasm."
They go home and follow the therapist's advice. They hire a handsome
young man and he strips off and enthusiastically waves a towel over them
both as they make love. But it doesn't help and still the wife is
unsatisfied and frustrated.
Perplexed, they go back to the therapist. "Okay", he says, "let's try it
reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the
towel over them."
Once again, they follow the advice. The young man gets into bed with the
wife and the husband waves the towel. The hired hand really works with
great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking,
screaming, creaming orgasm. Smiling, the husband drops the towel, taps
the young man on the shoulder and says to him, triumphantly:
"THAT'S how you wave a fucking towel, Son!!!!
Zero the hero
Bluelighter
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- Nov 24, 2003
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- 1,540
What's the difference between a Woman and a toilet?
A toilet doesn't follow you around after you use it.
What does a Jewish mother make for dinner?
Reservations.
Why do Jews have such big noses?
Air's free.
What's the first thing a black guy says when he puts on a suit?
"Not Guilty".
What do 20 black guys call one white guy?
Coach.
What do a thousand black guys call one white guy?
Warden.
A toilet doesn't follow you around after you use it.
What does a Jewish mother make for dinner?
Reservations.
Why do Jews have such big noses?
Air's free.
What's the first thing a black guy says when he puts on a suit?
"Not Guilty".
What do 20 black guys call one white guy?
Coach.
What do a thousand black guys call one white guy?
Warden.
0ff1cer_ch0ps
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jan 31, 2004
- Messages
- 4,270
swifty
you are the joke king...
that is all
you are the joke king...
that is all
mindbodysOul
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 14, 2005
- Messages
- 348
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her
class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when
stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should
not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my
parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire
you!"
With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part
increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth
fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get
in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body
part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of
the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued,
"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework.
And Three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when
stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should
not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my
parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire
you!"
With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part
increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth
fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get
in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body
part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of
the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued,
"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework.
And Three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
mindbodysOul
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 14, 2005
- Messages
- 348
Why did the Leb Die?
He was fully sick Mate!!!!!!
Why do leb's wear thick gold chains?....
So they know where to stop shaving.
What do you call a leb in the middle of the ocean, drowning, screaming for help?
FUKIM
What do you call a leb on a bike?....
Ali Davidson
What do u call a leb on the moon?
Naser.
What do you call 1 leb on the moon?....
A Problem
Two leb's on the moon?....
A bigger problem
Every leb on the moon?....
PROBLEM SOLVED
What do you call a hot chick in Lebanon?....
A tourist
Who won the Lebanese beauty contest?....
NO ONE
What do you call three leb's in the sauna?....
Gorillas in the mist
How many leb's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
10... 1 to screw it in and the other 9 to say sick mate
Why don't lebs where underwear?....
Cause NIKE don't make them
What do you call a leb who has had an abortion?....
Crime Stopper
What do u call a leb between 2 buildings?
Ali.
What do you call a pissed leb?....
HAMED
What do u call a really pissed leb?
Mohamed.
What do u call a really pissed leb between 2 buildings?
Mohamed Ali
Why did the leb cross the road?....
To smash the chicken
Why did fifty leb's cross the road?....
Because the chicken was smashing the leb
Why didn't the Lebanese Olympic boxing team compete in Sydney
2000?....
They found out you have to fight one on one
What do u call a good looking Leb?
Asif.
What do u call a leb Hairdresser?
Ali Barber.
What do u call a baby leb?
Kebab.
How do u make a baby leb shut up?
Shush Kebab
He was fully sick Mate!!!!!!
Why do leb's wear thick gold chains?....
So they know where to stop shaving.
What do you call a leb in the middle of the ocean, drowning, screaming for help?
FUKIM
What do you call a leb on a bike?....
Ali Davidson
What do u call a leb on the moon?
Naser.
What do you call 1 leb on the moon?....
A Problem
Two leb's on the moon?....
A bigger problem
Every leb on the moon?....
PROBLEM SOLVED
What do you call a hot chick in Lebanon?....
A tourist
Who won the Lebanese beauty contest?....
NO ONE
What do you call three leb's in the sauna?....
Gorillas in the mist
How many leb's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
10... 1 to screw it in and the other 9 to say sick mate
Why don't lebs where underwear?....
Cause NIKE don't make them
What do you call a leb who has had an abortion?....
Crime Stopper
What do u call a leb between 2 buildings?
Ali.
What do you call a pissed leb?....
HAMED
What do u call a really pissed leb?
Mohamed.
What do u call a really pissed leb between 2 buildings?
Mohamed Ali
Why did the leb cross the road?....
To smash the chicken
Why did fifty leb's cross the road?....
Because the chicken was smashing the leb
Why didn't the Lebanese Olympic boxing team compete in Sydney
2000?....
They found out you have to fight one on one
What do u call a good looking Leb?
Asif.
What do u call a leb Hairdresser?
Ali Barber.
What do u call a baby leb?
Kebab.
How do u make a baby leb shut up?
Shush Kebab
0ff1cer_ch0ps
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jan 31, 2004
- Messages
- 4,270
and the only one i can think of that you missed out
what do you call a leb country singer?
Salim Dusty
what do you call a leb country singer?
Salim Dusty
beech
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2003
- Messages
- 1,049
A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18 year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said,
"I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day
when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
Beech
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said,
"I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day
when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
Beech
ian_strong
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jun 15, 2003
- Messages
- 445
whats better parkinsons or alzhiemers?
parkinsons... its better to spill half your beer than to forget where u put it
parkinsons... its better to spill half your beer than to forget where u put it
dunno if these have been said or not
Q. whats the difference between a jew and a pizza
A. a pizza doesn't scream in the oven
Q. how do you get the entire population of eithiopia into a phone booth?
A.throw a can of baked beans in it
Q.how do you get them all out again?
A.run past with a can opener
***this joke only really works if ur from sunny coast***
Q. whos the worlds best player at hide and seek?
A. daniel morcombe
Q. whats the difference between a jew and a pizza
A. a pizza doesn't scream in the oven
Q. how do you get the entire population of eithiopia into a phone booth?
A.throw a can of baked beans in it
Q.how do you get them all out again?
A.run past with a can opener
***this joke only really works if ur from sunny coast***
Q. whos the worlds best player at hide and seek?
A. daniel morcombe
joannie_mhm
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Nov 11, 2004
- Messages
- 5,693
^haha that daniel morcombe one's gold!
beech
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2003
- Messages
- 1,049
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at
the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her
hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to
a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to
write a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources person is puzzled by this decision and asks "What's
sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells
nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith - the midget."
the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her
hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to
a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to
write a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources person is puzzled by this decision and asks "What's
sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells
nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith - the midget."
swifty
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Nov 6, 2004
- Messages
- 4,349
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud; "Jeesh. I wonder what happened to this Parrot."
The parrot says, " I was born this way. I'm a defective
parrot."
Holy shit," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. " I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?", the guy asks, "Then answer this - how do you hang on your perch
without any feet?"
"Well", the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my willy around this wooden bar like a little hook.
You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand and speak
English, can't you?"
"Actually I speak both Spanish and English and I can
converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You reallly ought to buy me. I'd be a great compannion."
The guy looks at the £200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssst" says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for £20, just make the guy an offer."
The guy offers £20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting. He's a great pal, he understands everything, He sympathises, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes
"Psssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing. " I don' t know if I
should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered today your wife greeted him a in a sheer black
nighty and kissed him passionately."
"WHAT?" the guy asks increduloudly.
"THEN what happened?"
"Well the postman came into the house and lifted her nighty up and began petting her all over" reported the parrot.
"My god!" he exclaims. "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up the nighty, got down on his knees and began feeling all over her body - sarting with her breasts and slowly going down....."
"WELL???" demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell of my perch."
The guy says aloud; "Jeesh. I wonder what happened to this Parrot."
The parrot says, " I was born this way. I'm a defective
parrot."
Holy shit," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. " I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?", the guy asks, "Then answer this - how do you hang on your perch
without any feet?"
"Well", the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my willy around this wooden bar like a little hook.
You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand and speak
English, can't you?"
"Actually I speak both Spanish and English and I can
converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You reallly ought to buy me. I'd be a great compannion."
The guy looks at the £200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssst" says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for £20, just make the guy an offer."
The guy offers £20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting. He's a great pal, he understands everything, He sympathises, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes
"Psssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing. " I don' t know if I
should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered today your wife greeted him a in a sheer black
nighty and kissed him passionately."
"WHAT?" the guy asks increduloudly.
"THEN what happened?"
"Well the postman came into the house and lifted her nighty up and began petting her all over" reported the parrot.
"My god!" he exclaims. "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up the nighty, got down on his knees and began feeling all over her body - sarting with her breasts and slowly going down....."
"WELL???" demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell of my perch."
ian_strong
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jun 15, 2003
- Messages
- 445
a black fella goes to his doctor and says "there is some thingwrong with me doc, i just cant stop running."
teh doctor thinks for a sec then places two lines of white powder on teh rable and says "here snort these"
teh black guy does and immediately says "wow, was that cocaine?"
teh doctor says "no, its omo colour fast, stops any colour from running!"
teh doctor thinks for a sec then places two lines of white powder on teh rable and says "here snort these"
teh black guy does and immediately says "wow, was that cocaine?"
teh doctor says "no, its omo colour fast, stops any colour from running!"
0ff1cer_ch0ps
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jan 31, 2004
- Messages
- 4,270
A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."
swifty
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Nov 6, 2004
- Messages
- 4,349
A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions"
to first year medical students.
Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject the professor
decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what
your arse-hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "He's probably down at the bar with his mates."
to first year medical students.
Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject the professor
decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what
your arse-hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "He's probably down at the bar with his mates."
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