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  • AADD Moderators: swilow | Vagabond696

Sick, Twisted & Wrong Jokes - Part II

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Why don't black people like country music?

Because everytime someone mentions a hoe down they think someone has shot someone's sister.
 
I am sure that I have written these down on Bluelight before...

They are my "baby joke combo"... and it is what I bust out when people are trading these kinds of jokes in real life at the pub and such.

They never fail to cause people to fall silent and stare.... shocked...

Q: What do you get if you stab a baby in the face with a knife?
A: An erection.

Q:Why do you put a baby into a blender feet first?
A: So you can still come all over it's little face.

Horrible horrible. Tasteless.

:D
 
What happens when you microwave a baby for 45 seconds?

I don't know, I was too busy masturbating.

What's the difference between a baby and a fridge?

A fridge doesn't scream when you pack it full of meat.

no harm in adding to them ;)
 
How do you get 10 babies into a bucket?
With a blender
How do you get them back out?
With corn chips.
 
This one works better when you say it, not so much typed: (and I think I've told it wrong, but anyway)

What's the best thing about having sex with twenty-one year olds?
There are twenty of them.
 
^^ oh I like that one. I like that one alot.

I will use it this friday night.

Claiming it as my own.
 
^ "Using it this friday night" : Sick perverted m'fucker!

You do know this thread is for laughing at?
(as opposed to going into the 'wank-bank' or your 'todo list')
 
liquidocean said:
Nick the Dragon Slayer was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession to caress the beautiful Queen's voluptuous
breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor.
Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to have Horatio the Physician arrange it and that he would gladly pay the 1,000 gold coins for the chance to satisfy his desires for the Queen.
The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's massive brassiere while she was
taking a bath. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for several hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer had present the antidote to curb the itch.
King Arthur quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put it into his mouth, and for the next four hours, worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer could have cared less, and knowing that Horatio the physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made.
The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into King Arthur's loincloth. King Arthur quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer and for the next several hours ...
Click to expand...

fuck thats a good one mate
 
.dR spgeddi said:
A lady goes to the doctor in the search of bigger breasts. the doctor tells her to rub her breasts each day with toilet paper.
She asks, "Will that make my boobs grow!!??"
Doctor, "well it's certainly worked on your arse!"
Click to expand...

thats a good one
although it cant be amusing for some ladies
 
Three cowboys are sitting around the fire.

1st one says: I'm so tough I can kill a bull with my bare hands.

2nd one: I can fuck 3 whores at once.

The 3rd cowboy sit's there quietly, stirring the ashes of the fire with his dick.

I may have told this one wrong but I'm a little drunk so......
 
Another one:

A man goes to a bar to have lunch. He looks at the menu. It says :

Chicken sandwich 2.80
Ham Sandwich 3.00
Hand Job 10.00

He goes up to the counter where a hot blonde babe is taking orders.
"Excuse me, are you the one who does the hand jobs?" he asks.
"Yes." she purrs.
"Well wash your fucking hands, I want a ham sandwich."
 
I'm not racsist. Racism is a crime, and crime is for black people.
 
Don't know if these are out yet. Piss funny thread.

Whats the worst thing about going down on a bald pussy?

Putting the nappy back on


What do women and billiards have in common?

If the reds blocking the pink, go the brown


What do women and prawns have in common?

Their heads are full of shit but their pink bits taste great


What do women and KFC have in common?

After the legs and breast you're left with a greasy box


What do riding scooters and fat chicks have in common?

They're both fun but you wouldn't tell your mates about them


ok, the worst joke i've ever heard


What's black and blue and doesn't like sex very much?

A rape victim
 
What is the definition of guts and balls?


GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next!"
 
What's Blue and like young Children??

......................

"Me & My Lucky Blue Shirt"

!!!!
 
A woman and her boyfriend are in bed. She says, "Stick a finger in my pussy." He does. She then says, "Stick your hand in it." He sticks his whole hand in it. Then the woman asks him to stick both hands into her vagina, and he complies. "Now, lover-boy," she says, "clap your hands."
-- "I can't, honey!"
-- "Tight, eh?"
 
Whats the difference between a ferrari and a dead baby?

I don't have a ferrari in my garage =D
 
big brother in northern territory, 6 abo men and 6 abo women, 2 wks later ... 3 raped,2 dead, 4 stabbed all teh cameras stolen and 198 people living in teh house..


2 penises burst into a bank.. shouting 'this is a stick up!' just then a vibrator entered teh bank and 1 penis says to teh other 'Fuck its robocock!'
 
Two dogs were sitting in a vet's office. The bigger of the dogs gruffs, "Whatcha doing here?"

The little dog responds, "I'm getting 'fixed'. Whenever I see my mistress I get so horny I just jump on her leg and start pumping. It's very embarrassing."

The first dog says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. One morning my mistress had just got out of the shower, and was sitting on the side of the bed. She leaned down to pick up her clothes from the floor, and I couldn't resist it... I jumped up and starting taking her from the rear!"

The second dog exclaimed, "Wow! So you're here to be fixed too?"

"Hell no, I'm getting de-clawed."

--------------------

Trailer trash

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

You wonder how gas stations keep their restrooms so clean.

Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!"

Your Junior/Senior prom had a daycare.

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.

Ya' can't git married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a dang law against it.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

------------------------------

Three guys are in a bar discussing how much their wives bitch at them.

They decide that when they get home, they'll do everything that the women ask.

The next weekend, they are in the same bar.

The first guy says, "Man, I don't think that our idea was so great! I was sitting on the couch watching TV and I dropped my cigarette on the couch. My wife said, 'Why don't you burn the whole house down?' That place is still smoldering."

The second guy said, "That ain't nothing. I was working on the car, and dropped my wrench and it nicked the fender. My wife said, 'Why don't you tear the whole car apart?' It took me all night."

The third guy said, "You guys don't have nothing on me. When I walked in the door, my wife was doing the dishes, and I felt a little romantic. I reached down, and grabbed her crotch, she said, 'Cut that out!'"

He held out his hands. "Ever seen one of these real close?"
 
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