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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Self-harm support thread v. 3

I lied about drinking =\ When I last went to the clinic a few months ago they doc noticed how bad I looked and started to talk about doing something to help my anxiety but wouldn't talk to me after I said I'd been drinking every day. Only way to get help, work with what I got... I'm taking things into my own hands if possible I'm gonna try to just buy some xanax off a friend to replace the booze then ween that down, it will be easier to work with pills. I'm hoping this speedy factor is just present in the beginning.. It's kind of a good thing, like with no alcohol in my system, my mind is too jacked to think straight, but once I have a couple beers it's like the ADD goes away and I can focus way better than I have been able to for a while.. so I'm hoping at some point I can get it to level out and be like that all the time.. I dunno, one day at a time.

Oh yeah, drinking non stop though haha I usually drink high proof stuff but I bought smaller cans of normal beer to pace it out. Soon as its not in my blood I start to feel like I'm in trouble and my body starts to break down on me, trying to drink the minimal amount to not feel like im gonna have a heart attack or kill something basically
 
^^ I wish you all the best with that man, you seem to know what you're doing. Keep us updated okay? <3
 
^I hit PAY DIRT yesterday! I toootaallly forgot my friend gave me a cig cellophane with a whole ton of seroquils :D Stumbled upon that yesterday. I slept! I slept a lot haha soo needed that. Just now woke up sweating a bit ago and am drinking a beer now, but this is my first beer since I took 100mg a seroquil at like 3pm yesterday. The seroquil made me feel like comfortable, no beer needed. I took the first 100mg at 3, then another 100 at 11 I think because I woke up and was wanting to drink so went with the pill instead and sleep and it kept everything in check for a long time physically and mentally. (Oh yeah, have only had one cigg since my first pill too, that's a huge plus to be stopping that again).

I'm gonna do some more reading on the seroquil, I saw people talking about using it to stop drinking, I need to figure out a functional dose that lets me stay up but keeps me stable without alcohol.. Gonna try to not buy anymore alcohol

*looks down at what is hopefully the last beer for a long time*
....I'm sorry, we're gonna need some time alone.. *sssssiiiiiiiiip*
 
intersting take on wellbutring...ive been prescribed various plethras of psych meds throughout the years and found that wellbutrin was actually the most effective, and took effect quickest. it pulled me out of an extrem depression with suicidal tendancys (phase when i started shooting heroin) and complete agoraphobia i would cry at the thought of having to go into a gas station just to get cigarettes, being around people and stimuli was just so overwhelming and panic inducing....i think wellbutrin is a great drug and believe me i am no advocate for psych meds at all
 
I just got done cutting myself for the first time in a while. Not sure what we are allowed to say here. I stopped at 5 long cuts on my arm. Still bleeding...droplets of blood along the lines which turn into saturated lines and then a mess on my laptop. I'll slather it with neomycin and then bandage it up in a while. I like to wipe it with alcohol pads for a while to feel the sting. I have to remind myself I am a bad wife. That's what he has been telling me for days now.
 
Don't believe him hun, you are NOT a bad wife. I don't know why he is trying to make you think that, but you are a good person. You do not deserve to harm yourself so please do let him make you think that.
You don't have to make a habit of this, this can just be a one-off. There are much more effective ways of dealing with your frustrations and negative emotions. Please take care of yourself, and your cuts <3

hedon said:
i think wellbutrin is a great drug and believe me i am no advocate for psych meds at all
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I'm really glad that Wellbutrin helped you, because it can take years and years of trialling other meds before you find one that works well for you. But one thing we must always remember about psych meds is that what works well for one person might be terrible for the next person. It's a very individualised thing :)
 
^ Neo he tells me I am a bad wife. It's like I don't exist or he doesn't want me to exist. He wants me to cook but then hates anything I make and bitches about it. I never sit with him at the table. If we go out to eat he sits across but then over from me. He will make sure I am facing a wall or something like that and he can have a nice view. At home if I try to talk to him before he goes to work then he tells me he is getting ready for work. If ZI talk to him when he gets home he says he needs to eat and sleep. On his days off he finds shit to do outside. I can never finish a sentence, say what I feel etc. It gets to me after a while!!! I hate him. I told him tonight that I wanted to stab him night but I broke a door instead. He just pushed me over the fucking edge you know! He lies, he covers for our son when he lies. I am sure he gave him money when he came by tonight as they went outside to talk. It was freezing so there was a reason. Before he left he went in the bedroom and I watched outside the doorway and saw him grab a wad of cash. he noticed me and said he just saw he only had three bucks in his pocket! Bullshit. He gave the son money. I'm not going to say why but son spent money on someone he has no business being near as he is married with a child! I'm about ready to go off on that whore too!

I am fighting the urge to cut again tonight. Not sure if husband will even come home tomorrow. Maybe he took money to split. The joke is he knows I can't support myself and will die without health insurance. He literally has my life in his hands. Sucks no? I see I cut a bit too deep last night. I wound up crazy gluing 3 of the 5 gashes. I felt better this morning after talking to someone from here on IM. I even laughed last night. Now it starts all over again. If he does come home then all I get is to start a sentence again only to be told to shut up? I am too old for this shit! I can't keep doing it anymore. I fight to keep it together for the grandson because he needs me but it's getting to hard now. You know what scares the fuck out of me? I see my son is so like his father and my DIL is such a whimpy little thing and she doesn't even try to stand up for herself! She is going to live the same life I did and the baby will grow up to be just like his father and grandfather. This shit needs to end.
 
Honey it breaks my heart to hear what you're going through :(

Is the health insurance the only reason you're staying with your husband? Or is it for the sake of your son? Have you realistically weighed up all the pros and cons of going your separate ways? Like you said, you cannot go on like this. Your husband is eating away at your soul and you do not deserve that.

You know deep down inside that you are a wonderful, unique, worthy human being. Don't let another individual take that away from you. Who is he to try and make you feel like a bad person??

Have you got some relatives or friends that you could stay with for a while? Perhaps he needs to miss you in order to remember that he loves you.

Gosh hun, I wish I could come over there and take you out of this situation myself! <3
 
Neo he has made sure over the last 33 years that I was dependant on him. My degrees are useless so I can't even go to work. Most of the time I don't even care and figure I am blessed to not have to deal with a husband all night like many women do. He eats and sleeps here and that is it. I can't leave because there is no where to go. I don't do anything for the sake of my son! He's an adult and married. I only do things for my grandson. I have no relationship with my birth family at all. I don't even want to go into the abuse I suffered there as a child. A few years back I decided I was no longer to allow myself to be subjected to the people that didn't protect me as a child. So I have purged my life of much of the bad. If I go any further though it will mean dying literally.
 
wrote a long post last night but deleted it because it might have been triggering

long story short, cut my chest the other night. can't say i didn't enjoy it

3 days off drinkin =) yay razor blades and lyrica!
 
Help me please said:
Neo he has made sure over the last 33 years that I was dependant on him. My degrees are useless so I can't even go to work. Most of the time I don't even care and figure I am blessed to not have to deal with a husband all night like many women do. He eats and sleeps here and that is it. I can't leave because there is no where to go. I don't do anything for the sake of my son! He's an adult and married. I only do things for my grandson. I have no relationship with my birth family at all. I don't even want to go into the abuse I suffered there as a child. A few years back I decided I was no longer to allow myself to be subjected to the people that didn't protect me as a child. So I have purged my life of much of the bad. If I go any further though it will mean dying literally.
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Years ago I also cut myself intensly, I was physically Abused and my Mother(whos own Mother never aknowledged the abuse by her brother was Sexually abused as a child so can identify a bit ?).
This story makes me so angry for you HMP!:X
So Glad you decided that you were going to rid your life of the people who didnt proctect you as a child. My worry is that as an adult your not doing the same for yourself? Why are you getting angry at yourself instead of him, why are you punishing yourself instead of the Man/people who are neglecting your needs belittling you and mistreating you? FUCK him!!!!!
I know you are dependant on him financially and he is manipulative but why dont you play him at his own game...get out there behind his back and put all your energy into finding support for yourself, and a way to get out and start living your life!!! You deserve this! Please write more about your situation, it tears me apart thinking that someone is being bullied and belittled into submission and helplessness and I really am rooting for you that you can make a life for yourself, after all I used to feel helpless and useless and its the most gut wrenching pain! I promised myself I would never let myself down that way again but I had to get a hella lot of help and it wasnt easy but by geezus it was worth it!!!!;)
Take care of yourself and keep posting Lady!<3
 
i'm really working at not drinking and not cutting right now.

I'm having huge anxiety.


if anyone is around i'd be grateful for some support.
 
^hey, same here... if you have aim, hit my name up. this is kinda late, but if ur in the same boat you're probably still up ha
 
Positive vibes xxkcxx and dragnfyr.

Just thought I'd pop in with a wee update. Turns out in my last SH episode I did sever the nerve, so I have a permanent numb forearm now 8( However it coulda been a lot worse so im thankful.

Had a really turbulent couple weeks with my MH issues, but things are getting there and I'm finally getting proffessional help, which is like, good.

I've not been on bl much in the last couple months but imma try to pop in more often for a bit now im slightly more stable.
 
I've just recently started self-harming again, I haven't done it since I was 15 after being bullied at school (I am 18 now and at college). I have just felt awful this past month, my mum is currently under a lot of stress due to her job and looking after her bedridden mother, and I just feel hopeless. I have been at college for two years and I hate my course now, but I am scared to leave as I don't want to work in the Co-op all my life, my mum wont be happy if I quit and I feel it may make my depression worse.

I went on holiday for a week and now college is putting me under loads of pressure and punishing me for having the week off, saying my work is going downhill and writing a written warning and making me stay behind. But anyway on Monday I have booked an appointment with my GP for friday but I don't want to tell my mum. What do you think he will do as he will see on the records that I have had a history of depression and attempted suicide at 15.

Thank you.
 
(((lynx))) tds hugnezz

i cant say all gps are different, assume dependng on yur wounds you'll get antibiotics n cvase f infection and maybe a course of SSRIs unless yu had them before, which may work for you....if your SH issues are triggered by 'events' and symptomatic fof a unipolar depression then they can be wonderful, if not then theres mre doors the GPs/Pdocs will go down.....

how bad is your s/h? is it frenzied and 'heavy' or depressed and - obviously still bad - but manageable - (laceratinos rathre than gouges)


the fact u made such psitives steps already shows you are doing good. y cvan kck the shgit out of the beast. nad yuo are choosing the right allies.

and you know TDS is always here for a vent or a friendly word if yu neded, ok? x
 
lynx I know you're in a rough patch at the moment and you've got a lot of stress in your life, but cutting is probably just going to make you feel worse man. Are you going to see the doctor specifically about your cutting? If so, I think you should be as honest as you can be about your history, and what you're currently doing in terms of SH. Your doctor is there to help you after all.
How are you feeling today? <3

perfect haze said:
Turns out in my last SH episode I did sever the nerve, so I have a permanent numb forearm now 8( However it coulda been a lot worse so im thankful.
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Wow hun that sucks that you did some damage, but like you said it could've been a whole lot worse! Has this turned you off SH for a while?? I hope so <3

kc I'm so sorry to hear you're having a hard time at the moment :( What's caused this? Please take care of yourself <3


Dragnfyr how are you doing man?? <3
 
lynx2051 said:
I've just recently started self-harming again, I haven't done it since I was 15 after being bullied at school (I am 18 now and at college). I have just felt awful this past month, my mum is currently under a lot of stress due to her job and looking after her bedridden mother, and I just feel hopeless. I have been at college for two years and I hate my course now, but I am scared to leave as I don't want to work in the Co-op all my life, my mum wont be happy if I quit and I feel it may make my depression worse.

I went on holiday for a week and now college is putting me under loads of pressure and punishing me for having the week off, saying my work is going downhill and writing a written warning and making me stay behind. But anyway on Monday I have booked an appointment with my GP for friday but I don't want to tell my mum. What do you think he will do as he will see on the records that I have had a history of depression and attempted suicide at 15.

Thank you.
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Ask for a referral. In my experience people who SH do best with a combination of medications and therapy whereas SSRIs alone - which is usually what GPs will prescribe the moment you mention depression - can make them worse.

Does your college have a student health or student welfare centre which can intercede on your behalf with the administration?
 
n3ophy7e said:
[


Wow hun that sucks that you did some damage, but like you said it could've been a whole lot worse! Has this turned you off SH for a while?? I hope so <3

3
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It has kind of. but I still et the urges all the time and I'm still super self destcructive

Wont doing anything that deep again, as long as I can hanle it
 
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