• Bluelight
    Shrine




    A memorial
    to Bluelighters
    who have passed away

RIP ektamine

Ektamine, you have a truly amazing mother. You would be so proud of her!

I did not know you well, but I miss your posts in EADD, and now I have lost someone close to me I truly understand the tidal waves and ever-increasing ripples of shock and sadness that death causes. I am sorry I did not have the chance to know you any better - you sound like such a wonderful person, you really do. However, I feel incredibly honoured to have the chance to get to know your mother now. She is helping me through my dark days, despite walking the same path as I am, and she is an inspiration to me.

<3<3<3
 
I'd consider it an extreme honor, I can't believe that you are responding to me...it's a bit surreal. I have felt like this since I learned of his passing, in waves, but I never forgot. Not to make assumptions, but addiction and hard drug use got the best of me more often than I'd like to admit. I lack full comprehension of the scope of your loss, nevertheless I feel for you and your family. I don't even know what to say, I didn't think my comment would reach many BL'ers much less you and the rest of his family.
 
wow... I'm speechless.

Herbavore I don't even know what to say to you... I don't know how you do it. I am constantly torn up about Caleb's death. For you to come on here as a mother... it's incredible. I hope that you see how many lives he touched, and how deeply.

Thank you
 
Herbavore.. I've been reading the obituary again. It's so beautiful. It's so strange how similar he sounds to Dave in so many ways.. So much love to you and all his family and friends. Mindblowing (in the worst sense of the word) to lose someone so incredible (words fail me a little here) and someone we loved so much <3

But you know.. at least we knew them. We were - are - so lucky, despite all of this pain and horrifying loss. I don't regret for a second meeting Dave and I know you don't regret for a second having Caleb as a son - the complete opposite infact. I hope that helps you like it helps me, when I am not too overwhelmed with grief to remember it.

<3<3<3
 
Effie, you are so very right: we were beyond lucky! Caleb transformed who I was as a person by his life. His death broke my life into pieces. Now I am transformed again by having to learn to be stronger than I ever thought I could be; by not just surviving but living, with sadness, yes, but finding new ways to invite joy back in. You were transformed by loving Dave and now you are transformed by losing him. Your grace is in your clear-eyed strength and open vulnerability. There is no script for this. We'll find our way. I'm thankful for all the little breadcrumbs you leave along the path for me and I'll try to leave as many as I can for you.<3
 
You are right about there being no script for this. That is one of the hardest things I think, not knowing what to do or how it will unfold.. but on the other hand, it gives us the chance to write our own script. Influenced by our beautiful boys, and honouring their memories <3
 
I got a phone call this morning, Caleb, from a man that only knew you briefly: a man in his sixties that wrote the word "gift" at your memorial. I thought that he wrote that word to describe you because he was referring to what a gift you were to us (your family). Turns out he was referring to much more. He started by apologizing to me saying that I might find this a bit too metaphysical and then went on to say that you continue to affect him very deeply, that he feels like he barely touched the hem of your clothes as you were leaving but that he knew you were one of the rare beings among us whose eyes were wide open. To quote him,"the life of a person whose eyes are fully open is not always pretty, but what they show us is always profound." He wanted me to know how much he thinks about you, your way of seeing, your way of being. He invokes your name and your image frequently.

It has been so hard for me, a person with no fixed beliefs, a person who knows nothing but feels everything. I only know this: from the early days when you first grasped language, you were a teacher. I used to want to call up the Dalai Lama and say, "hey you guys can quit looking for the next one. I know who and where he is. He's this ratty haired little two year-old strapped into the backseat of my car." You packed a lot of mud on that shine before you left, but I want you to know that you never stopped teaching. And it continues. That's all I need to believe. I know you can't hear this, but it does me good to say it. The man that that called this morning is one among so many that feel compelled to tell me that you changed them. You know that it is true for your father, for your brother and for me, but there are so many more. We all take that change out into the world and pass it on in our own way and whatever effect we have on people changes them, too; and so your short life continues to ripple out on this plane forever.

 
That's such a beautiful idea.. and it looks so like the picture of us all setting of skylanterns on the beach for Dave.

As for the above post - ripples and ripples... <3
 
Final Notions
by Adrienne Rich

It will not be simple, it will not take long
It will take little time, it will take all your thought
It will take all your heart, it will take all your breath
It will be short, it will not be simple

It will touch through your ribs, it will take all your heart
It will not take long, it will occupy all your thought
As a city is occupied, as a bed is occupied
It will take your flesh, it will not be simple

You are coming into us who cannot withstand you
You are coming into us who never wanted to withstand you
You are taking parts of us into places never planned
You are going far away with pieces of our lives


It will be short, it will take all your breath
It will not be simple, it will become your will

<3<3<3<3

Too many are joining you here, Caleb.
 
herbavore said:
Final Notions
by Adrienne Rich

It will not be simple, it will not take long
It will take little time, it will take all your thought
It will take all your heart, it will take all your breath
It will be short, it will not be simple

It will touch through your ribs, it will take all your heart
It will not take long, it will occupy all your thought
As a city is occupied, as a bed is occupied
It will take your flesh, it will not be simple

You are coming into us who cannot withstand you
You are coming into us who never wanted to withstand you
You are taking parts of us into places never planned
You are going far away with pieces of our lives


It will be short, it will take all your breath
It will not be simple, it will become your will

<3<3<3<3

Too many are joining you here, Caleb.
Click to expand...

You are a remarkable person, herbavore. I am aware of your story and how you came to be part of the bluelight community: It's humbling to see how someone can channel the emotion of tragedy into kindness, openness and unending compassion for others. Especially since such emotions are so overpoweringly destructive if left untamed. Recently I've been getting the sense of a strong community spirit developing. I feel that there are real lives saved here every day, and that the community provides real, genuine support for people who really need it. Not only are people helping you, herbavore, but you in turn are helping other people. It's totally heart-warming!

RIP Ektamine
RIP Evad
RIP Tally
RIP Melange
RIP Tobola

RIP all past members of this community. I never knew any of you as well as many others here did, but it is clear that from the wounds of your death, the bluelight community heals into a tighter and more humane being that is so much greater than the sum of its parts.

And that can't be a bad thing.
 
Merry Christmas Caleb, and Merry Christmas to Jan and all your family.

<3<3<3
 
^<3<3<3effie<3<3<3



We missed your big stomping feet. We missed your jokes. We missed your strong coffee. We missed your presents for the cats. We missed your cynicism. We missed your affection. We missed your tousled blonde hair. We missed your crooked smile. We missed your gratitude. We missed your irritation. We missed your generosity. We miss your love so much.
 
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^you've got that right!<3 always!

missing you always,Caleb,even though I know you are still here...Your mom is the bomb! She is the gift you left for Bluelight. We love here with all the intensity that we love you! I still owe you a poem.

Love you,too,herbie...you are in my thoughts always!


....................skillz <3
 
Caleb, you popped into my mind today. Saw your cartoon in EADD again earlier. Still makes me laugh out loud :D

You and Evad would have got on brilliantly.. as myself and your lovely mother do.

Never forget you <3
 


^Somewhere I am sure this still exists. This sweet, gentle moment, and all that it contained, must surely be echoing out in waves forever somewhere.

I have been thinking of you and your Dad so much these past weeks, wondering how you would be handling his cancer diagnosis, picturing how you would be showing him your love in those little male gestures of yours---tousling his hair when you walked by his chair in the living room, starting a conversation that you might not have much interest in but knew he would, starting some banter or another just to engage. Yesterday he and I talked about death; about the lack of fear we feel, about how differently we view it since you went first. I look at that picture up there and know that love never dies. It is the only thing I am sure of. What was created in the moment in that photo is in the air I breathe every day. It sustains me and dissolves all my fears for what lies ahead.<3
 
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