• Bluelight
    Shrine




    A memorial
    to Bluelighters
    who have passed away

RIP ektamine

Herbavore, you have so much strength and bravery. I never got the chance to meet your son or speak with him, but I know he had a large influence on this site. I know he had a greater impact on your life - the way you have made such a tragedy into something so positive and have learned so much from it, it is awe-inspiring. I hope to one day be able to hold the inner strength that you exude. You are amazing; so many on BL are just as lucky to know you as they/we were to know your son. <3
 
Remember how we would say, "Fuck Hallmark!" ?

I love you today and every other day.<3
 
Herby, You have left me with tears running down my face; looking at the photo you posted - i have one *exactly* the same of my mum and I - and although we're still both on this earth, we are separated by ocean, which I hate. Reading your beautiful message to Caleb, it puts things in perspective; suddenly that ocean isn't so vast.

much, much love to you and yours <3
 
Fuck and multifuck again.

Ektamine?

Kiddin', yeah?

Fuck.

Peev till we die, huh?

Kinda hollow now tho.

Much <3

Will toot a toot or ten for ya next run: from peevee me to... an elsewhere me <3
 
RIP mang,
issha boy llama, just sayin i remember you and remember readin some of ya posts, i hope you found peace at least wherever you are.
 
Thank you for leaving your mother to Bluelight, as she is the best gift we had.

I never knew you, but your mom was the very first friend I ever met on Bluelight. I can't sit on here and tell you how good of a person you were because I never knew you, but I look back on every post in this thread and all the wisdom your mother has given me since the departure of you from her life, and I know that all the wonderful things about you are true. With every word she spills from her heart it almost makes me sad that I never was able to know you, because all the things she tells about me make me hold envy for all the amazing things about you. The way your mind works and everything simply amazes me. I wish I could have been here to truly experience the warmth of your presence.
 

Yesterday I put extra salt on some fries, suffered the disapproving looks at the table, and remembered how you would have probably even doubled that amount. I put some serrano chilies in the stew and thought how you would have gotten the Death Sauce out without even tasting it first, knowing it wouldn't be hot enough for you. I think about you all the time. I carry you around in my head and in my heart. In my head it is a constant movie; in my heart it is an ache. The movie is not a downer--I laugh every bit as much as I cry and sometimes I just think and ponder and wonder about things. I miss so much about you. Right now I am picturing that sardonic half smile you would get when I said things like this.
 
Twenty one years ago you woke me up at 3 AM. I was not prepared for you, a month before you were due and upside down in the womb. I can still remember everything from that night. Waking up wet crying out, "Goddamnit! My water broke" in total disbelief and dismay; your Dad groggily asking what that meant and your brother's cheerful little answer from the next room, "That means Caleb is coming out!" Remember the story? How he hopped out of bed and began packing a little bag of toys to go to the hospital, including his harmonica so that he could play you a song?

I remember the call to the midwife. When I wailed that I did not want a C-section she took a firm voice with me and said, "This is not about what you imagined or might have wanted. This is how and when this baby wants to come and we are going to make sure that he gets here safe and sound. You need to let go of everything else and listen to him, now." Those words resonate around me in this dark room tonight. I remember the way I sank down into my body then, telling you, "OK little Caleb, here we go!" It is 21 years later, 3 AM, and it is just me in the dark here with you.

The trip to the hospital was short. Your Dad drove so carefully and slowly. I remember that the pools of light from the streetlights slid by like a dream. I remember the private nature of labor, when the first pain hit and I gasped and swam deep down inside myself to try to connect with you. And I remember that I decided to trust, and I know that made all the difference. It was a beautiful birth. Three hours, three pushes and you slipped bravely into the world your own way.

Twenty one years ago you floated safe in my body and I imagined you. I could not see you, nor hear you. I spoke to you but you could not answer. Tonight, I imagine you. I cannot see you or hear you. But I will try to trust again that you knew where you needed to go and that this terrible ache that I feel is my own painful journey, not yours. I like to think that you slipped as easily from this life as you did from my body. I bore the pain for you once and I can do it again.

Tonight I will wrap up my birthday present to you in all this milky moonlight spilling in the window, in tears of sorrow and of gratitude for all you gave me. This gift I am wrapping for you is my promise that I will not abandon joy. I will not spread more bitterness or anger or despair or apathy into the world that hurled so much of that at you in your short stay. I will honor your immense capacity for joy with mine. I will honor your courage with as much of my own as I can muster. I will honor your complexity by keeping an open mind, open heart and open eyes. I will honor even your despair, that little boat you sailed away in, trusting that it took you somewhere that your spirit knew it needed to go.

I will never again say, "Happy Birthday, Caleb." But I can say this: I am happy to have held you for as long as I could. I am happy to have shared all there is to share between a mother and child: all the intimacy, the struggles, the miracle of carrying and of letting go. I will be carrying you and letting you go forever.

 
herbavore: My deepest sympathies go out to you and your son. He was an incredible asset to this community, and even though I didn't personally know him I can tell he was an asset to his friends and family too. I know it probably won't get any better now that he's gone, but I genuinely hope one day you and your son will meet again in eternal peace and harmony. I don't know what comes after life/death, but I can only hope one day we will all get a chance reunite with the loved ones we have lost along this fucked up journey we call "life".

Reading your post is very touching, to the point it has brought tears to my eyes. I genuinely can't imagine the unbearable pain of a mother losing her beloved son; that's just not how it's supposed to work! Sons are supposed to lose their mothers, NOT vice versa. The pain is unimaginable for me, but I can say I sympathize with you and admire your strength to come on here and honor your son. I admire the relationship you had for him, and wish there was something I could do to fix things for you besides make a lame-ass sympathy post here.

Your post has deeply touched me. I hate that such loving people have had to deal with such devastating loss.

<3<3<3

Rest In Peace Caleb. I know we never spoke but I can tell you and your mom had a bond that can never be broken, and that you went way too early.

I need to go buy some weed now to try and forget about how unfair life is :(
 
^ <3 Thank you so much for your heartfelt sympathy---there is nothing lame about it. I grew up with a mother who said, "Who ever told you life was fair? Fairness is a human concept unrecognized by the rest of life." :\
 
^ learning that life is unfair is one of the hardest lessons we ever learn, so your mum was smart, herb. I'm not sure I have quite grasped the extent of the devastating unfairness yet but it does comfort me in a strange way. It removes the need for any blame, at least.

Happy belated birthday Caleb, and much love to your wonderful mother. May she continue to walk this path she has found herself on with grace, love and wisdom.

<3 <3 <3
 
Ektamine, just found the infamous MPDV cartoon I've heard so much about that you did. I done did a LOL, you absolute nutter. :D Damn shadow people, they just won't leave you in peace! :! RIP dude.

Herbavore, the song for Caleb was beautiful. Really moved me. I'll be thinking of you. <3 (((hugs))) <3
 
^ the cartoon is amazing isn't it.

Much love to you herb, and ektamine <3 <3 <3
 
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