Dear Emma, 13 years ago, when I was 13, heavily drunk on a mixture of 8 spirits & several wines (milky ones too) all mixed up in a litre coke bottle (yummy lumpy bits included) I called your house and cried like a girl for about 30 minutes whilst I apologised for, I think, crimes against humanity (well at least I hope that's what i was apologising for). Please note I was listening to the Cure at the time on a 24 hour repeat tape and thus I believe my thinking was slightly disrupted.
1 or perhaps 2 year later I saw you at a shopping centre in the Blue Mountains, completely gothic. I, a nerdy young man, became swoon with the though I had turned you evil thus in my guilt & pain I fell back to the drink (this time I had learnt my lesson about mixing Bailys with everything but not with mixing wine and whiskey, together).
As a result of my extreme drunkenness I called you to apologise for my earlier drunken apology. Again I cried like a girl (I think) and apologised for my terrible behaviour in the first telephone call. How I found your number i cannot say, for the lord of drunk has bided me to forget, yet please, again accept this apology for my second drunk telephone apology call.
As I am work I cannot be too drunk (although who can tell) I feel it time to end this madness (how many times have I said this i wonder though) and present my last, and final apology for the first and second drunken apology calls.
Goodbye