That's really the *only* reason you stopped? And temporarily, at that?
Before I continue, let me make something very clear: Even if something I say comes across as blunt, forward, harsh, etc., there is no maliciousness in my words. The spirit of my words is simply concern and care. So please don't take it badly or feel offended or judged. I'm a very understanding and open-minded person. I don't want to see harm come to you.
With that being established, I'll continue.
Where do you see this going?
It's very clear that you're trying to cope with some sort of negative emotion(s), as when you can't have one thing, you turn to another. Weed ->pills -> alcohol.
It's not easy at all to face yourself, ask yourself some difficult and uncomfortable questions, and be honest with yourself, and to then take what realizations and admissions you've had and use them to create a plan or guideline for yourself in order to make real, valuable, and positive changes in your life. I get that.
You do realize, however, that NOT doing that is even more difficult in the long run, yes?
You've gotten a lot of EXCELLENT advice here in this thread. I know you understand *intellectually* that that's true, just as you understand *intellectually* that you're headed for a lot of trouble, pain, and obstacles so big and bad you can't currently fathom them. It doesn't appear that there's a problem with your intellect that's preventing you from seeing that the choices you're making will end badly for you, one way or the other.
No. So what's left that's stopping you from stopping, and finding other pursuits that are healthy?
It's your emotional mind. Whether you believe me or not. Because continuing to play with fire when you intellectually know better doesn't make sense. It's our negative emotions, the ones we can't and/or won't face that cause us to make poor devisions that we know better than.
It's my opinion that you're crying out for help. If you don't believe me, just re-read your thread. It's clear that you are appreciative of the empathy and understanding. I feel you just desire to be soothed.
So, what is it that's eating you or bothering you? What is it that you're upset and/or confused about?
You may have denied your needs to yourself to such a degree that you genuinely want to reply with,"Nothing. I'm fine."
But you're very intelligent. I'll bet if you really truly think about it, and, importantly, if you're HONEST with yourself, you'll find your answer. You'll find what it is that's causing turmoil inside of you.
Some things that can prevent people from being honest with themselves about something bothering them would be :
*Judging yourself harshly for how you feel
*Being embarassed or ashamed of how you feel
*Feeling like you don't have the right to feel what you do
*Feeling as though it makes you weak to feel a certain way
...and the list goes on.
Try perhaps to remember that you'd have compassion for someone ELSE who was struggling inside, and that you deserve your iwn.compassion as well, just as much as anyone else.
Don't judge yourself for how you feel. It's really OK. No matter what, you're never truly alone; there are ALWAYS others who understand, either by way of similar firsthand experience, or through good old empathy.
I think it'd be VERY wise to look inside of yourself for some real, solid answers.
Because, as I've said already, you can receive all the best advice and understanding in the world...but it boils down to YOU having to do the hard work. No one else can.do it for you. We can be supportive, encouraging, and we can care. We can advise you, give you tips and ideas. But ultimately, YOU must save yourself.
Wishing you the BEST as always. Think about it.
Peace.
