Xorkoth
Bluelight Crew
He may have, I don't know as I was absent from here for about 2 and a half years.
Trixx? Is that some European or Shambolean slang for things? If you're asking me how things are, well, they're doing alright... my life is really intense right now. I wrote about it in depth a good 30 or 40 pages back in this thread (the first posts I made in years), but I am getting divorced, and that's really hard since we've been together for 12 years (since we were 18 )... so that's the main thing going on. But I know it's for the best, even though it hurts a lot. I am living alone now for the first time ever, and I have been getting lonely a lot but I also really enjoy the personal freedom. I have also started using psychedelics again, which is fun (I didn't much for years because my wife forbade me to... the reason I left BL was the same, my secret drug use caught up to me and she associated Bluelight with that, which was largely true).
I am still struggling with opiate addiction, that was the other reason my marriage ended, I kept relapsing and lying to her about it. I really want to be done but it is extremely difficult for me. Currently using poppy seed tea every other day. Trying to figure out how to get through this... the relationship ending along with my father being terminally ill and some serious financial issues have given me a whole lot of stress and I am not sure how I can get the strength to deal with that plus acute withdrawal. I am thinking about going to the doctor and getting some bupe... but I don't want to get stuck on that. Thinking about getting some and taking the absolute minimum needed for 7 days or so and then stopping. I think I could handle withdrawal with the aid of MXE, except I can't work effectively on MXE and I have to keep performing at my job, I can't lose it. If I could just take 2 weeks off I think I could just stay in bed and get through it but I have a salary job and can't just take time off and if I lose my job I lose my house and everything too, as I don't have any savings. Plus the job is awesome and I don't want to lose it.
Other than that, things are going pretty good... I feel more like myself than I have in years. Now that I can see clearly, I realize I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. I had been suppressing parts of myself for the whole course of my relationship in order to be able to live with my wife, who has some substantial emotional issues and as a result doesn't really accept things except if they're her way... so I lied about certain things to her all along and over time I began to believe those lies and I found myself totally detached from my own opinions and emotions, and it was causing me to not like who I was, and to not even be able to admit the way I really felt about things. This caused a tremendous amount of anger and frustration that I couldn't even admit enough to realize what was causing it, so I was basically slowly imploding. In July I got so overwhelmed during a fight that I punched the refrigerator and broke my hand. I was starting to fantasize about death and killing myself, I never went so far as to try or make a plan but I wished I could just die. Now that I am on my own all of that is gone and I find it once again easy to be connected to my emotions and opinions. That's why I feel like myself again and despite all the painful stuff going on, I feel better than I have in years.
Now just time to fix my issues, one at a time. I really need to get past this addiction because it's holding me back SO much.
It feels really good to be back here, I love this place and it's been a big part of my life, and it's also a really great outlet for me.
To be honest, when it comes to opiates, I think everyone has an addictive personality.