So, psychosis...
I took 120mg of DPT, became very anxious in the beginning as was expected after months of not tripping and taking APs daily which are the literal opposite of psychedelics. I started getting véry hot and went out of the room I was in, music was starting to sound very uncomfortable. So I went to my living room and started pacing and thinking, I was like okay, just calm down, you're just tripping way too hard for what you can handle right now, you've been here before, just relax and push through, it will all settle soon like it did on the last DPT trip. Then the thought loops also really started, something like this:
Relax man, it's just you.
Wait, don't say it like that.
This is so typical.
Wait NO!! You did it again
I shout STOP (when I say it, it's like time rewinds to the beginning of shouting STOP and I see myself shouting it, it happens again and again...)
This is not right, this is not right
FUCK DON'T SAY IT LIKE THAT
Come on man, you're okay, didn't do anything wrong (I started overthinking some really dumb stuff I did)
Wait, hahah, alright, just chill
No wait, not chill, just uhm
NOOO don't say it like that, (time rewinds again, my whole body twitches and I see myself saying NOOO again)
S-S-STO-STOP
These things happen over and over again, constantly in my head and completely delusional.
It's different from AL-LAD where I was in full ego death and had no clue about anything, here I still had a sense of self. For some reason it took me at least an hour after dosing to take Seroquel, I don't exactly remember why I waited so long, but it goes to show the mindfuckery of a psychotic mind. Since I knew what was happening I was kind of calm throughout but I still couldn't stop the psychotic tendencies, like thinking something, then thinking NO FUCK THATS WRONG, something again to "fix it", and it's wrong again etc etc etc.... Also the shouting of words in the hopes to "fix" what couldn't be fixed. It's like my brain was completely short circuited.
It was very reminiscent of AL-LAD where I constantly did this as well. At some point the visuals changed to this eerie look that was 100% similar to my AL-LAD psychosis and the DPT feel was completely gone, it was then that I took Seroquel as I was 100% sure that I was psychotic then and things slowly went back to normal over the course of an hour, these little psychotic tendencies of flashbacks to words and trying to fix, and be wrong again were still there but I got more back in control. An hour after Seroquel I was pretty much back to normal.
There are some things I forgot about, mainly what I "understood", as I also did on my AL-LAD psychosis, I thought I'd remember but I didn't. I couldn't put it into words either at the time, but I just knew.
I don't know what stimulant/sleep deprived psychosis is like but I imagine that psychedelic induced psychosis is very different. There are no shadows or entities, it's just you fucking with your own head. I also imagine this is very different for each individual.
I was lucky that I still had a sense of self, such that deep down I could stay calm while on the surface I was a playing ball of the psychosis. The AL-LAD psychosis was different because there was zero sense of self and no control at all.
Going from non psychotic to psychotic felt very natural, like going over things that made me anxious, I do that on every trip, but something snapped very early on that wasn't normal, it took a while for me to realize that. I think I fully realized what was happening when I had these inklings to shout words.
I think it can happen for me on any psychedelic, there is no point in taking one anymore. I can't trust myself anymore, and my psychotic state of being is about the most ugly place I could ever find myself in.
So I'm fully done with tripping, it's legit dangerous for me, and it's about time I gave up. I fully concede that I have a mental illness, and concede that the people that always say, don't trip with bipolar, are right. In the future, if any bipolar individual comes around and wants to trip, please advise him to have APs around at all times and to not fuck with high/heroic doses. I've tripped many times, but as my bipolar got worse over time something was bound to snap.
It sucks cause I'm sitting on an EPIC drug stash and you guys know how much I loved tripping, I would even take hours out of my day to be able to just talk about my favorite drugs lol. They're the best and it's not even remotely close. And I was damn good at it too. I just didn't win the genetic lottery.
It's time I step away and get on with my life, I need to refocus. End of a true era!!