I have band practice tomorrow, this morning I suggested to my girl we hang out tonight, but then my friend texted me and wants to hang out and jam tonight, I haven't seen him in a while and don't get to much. So I am thinking I'm going to tell her I'm gonna do that. She'll be disappointed, she'll be cool about it though. I just feel bad. She's really been feeling increasingly depressed lately, not doing much. I feel like I'm her main entertainment/happiness. She has self-diagnosed herself as having PTSD from her childhood, her parents didn't do a very good job. It fits. She's been to therapy a few times over the years and has never felt like it's worked, although honestly she probably never opened up. That and she has a history of having bad doctors/therapists and she just is kinda like, well, that didn't work, rather than trying more. I think turning 30 really hit her hard, it reinforced that she doesn't know what she wants to do with her life. I really wish she had a passion to focus on, it would be so good for her. She wants it too, she has always felt that way. Her dad made her get an art history degree for college which she hated, she wanted to go into biology and go into conservation but she feels like it's too late now (I disagree but it's how she feels).
She does an amazing job of dealing with it and not lashing out at anyone, ever. But it sucks, it hurts me to see her so sad.

And on days where I'm feeling kinda low already, it affects me quite a bit. Most other times I just provide positivity and it helps her, but last night was an example of us just kinda being bummed. We talk about it, she wants to do something about it but I think she feels powerless. She wants to take MDMA with me soon with the intention of it being therapy for her (she was reading about it being used for PTSD specifically, also she's done it once before and had a pretty significant and helpful experience that stuck with her). She wants to take LSD with me too, we've taken mushrooms but for some reason they don't really agree with her, she likes the effects but it leaves her feeling weird for a day afterwards (although she's never broken through to a full experience). I think she's really hoping these things could help her. I hope so too, so much.
Seems like so many people are depressed. For me, when I feel down I can just start playing piano and feel amazing. I have ~3 band practices a week to look forward to, so there is always something to feel excited about. As a result, I get excited about all kinds of things because I'm not bogged down by depression to stifle whatever potentially positive experiences I could be having. Then again, I've really never been depressed aside from situational stuff (I have been very depressed for a long time because of my situation, but when it was resolved that went away). But on the other hand, I think my girl's depression is situational too. She has some things she wants different in her life but she doesn't work towards them, or doesn't know how to start working towards them. I think if she was doing something she felt passionate about, it would help a whole lot (she has told me this is true so I'm not just postulating). I feel like over and over again in life, I find myself in the position of being the person to try to help other people I care about out of depression/life issues. I think I'm pretty good at it but damn it can be draining.

My ex became intensely depressed, now it's my situation again. It would be cool to be with someone who was as happy as me. But I don't
not want to be with my girl, and I think she can pull herself out of this. And most of the time I'm glowing with happiness about her, it's just sometimes it gets hard. She's wonderful, and we have this amazing thing with each other. But damn it, it's hard to see someone you love in pain, especially when it has become their base state.
So yeah, I'm probably gonna cancel on her tonight and then also do music tomorrow night. She has told me repeatedly that she wants me to focus on my passion because it's amazing to see and she's glad for me that I have that. But I still feel guilty.
how's everyone been?
i'm still plugging away at treatments. just finished the current four round cycle of chemotherapy, but doc is already thinking i'll have to start back up again right away.
i get a little breather at least... going in a couple weeks to the main headquarters of the cancer institute i go to (Karmanos) to talk to some doctors that specialize more in cases like mine.
Hey man, glad to hear you've got a little breather. I was just thinking about you and wondering how you were doing yesterday.