Unfortunately that sounds like par for the course as far as benzo withdrawal is concerned.
One time during benzo withdrawal I almost abandoned my car in a taco shop drive-through line and ran away because I felt so claustrophobic and agoraphobic. I swear, benzo withdrawal was
white knuckle shit, every day.
My advice is try not to let stuff like that scare you, because benzo withdrawal inevitably will cause your body and mind to act very strange for a while. But its totally worth it: you regain so much clarity when you get off benzos, and the process of going through withdrawal actually helps you put everyday anxieties into perspective.
You'll be fine though, soli, its a tough process but its do-able. Just keep at a consistent taper, stay as relaxed as possible, marathon movies and play video games, etc, to take your mind off of it. Think about how much better you'll feel when the process is complete
Much love and good luck!
I'd be ok with that and I have suggested like a 2-week break from work to stay with my parents and get through the heaviest white knuckle shit but nothing is happening as far as professional guidance... Like with a proper tapering program and consideration of some temporary medication to avoid unacceptable shit like insomnia that gets TOO wrecking.
The whole problem is: the people at work don't know, my medical officer does though (job-related doctor that checks up on my reintegration after shit had really hit the fan) who is of course sworn to privacy.
So I can't really figure out how I can function at work, let alone integrate like I am doing now, almost back at 100% working my contract hours... if I seriously want to pull through quitting benzo's.
A few months ago I motivated myself to switch to diazepam only and follow a proper benzo.co.uk tapering schedule (very slow one indeed) going from 12 mg/day to 6 mg/day. Then it got harder and harder pushing me to the edge of my ability to cope. I kept hanging at 6 mg for a while, then it collapsed, probably because the expected professional help didn't come at the suggested time. Like I said it was supposed to be like a month, I am waiting for almost 3 1/2 months now.
So the equation is pretty fucked: I'm supposed to go back to being declared healthy as well as applying for new jobs on one side, but at the same time I have withdrawal still ahead of me and nobody is helping me out. It's just an impossible task from where I am standing. I think I am going past the point in time where I can schedule all of this to withdraw and still be able to do my job well enough AND getting a new one all at the same time without getting a nervous breakdown or something like that.
Fucking bitch. I was doing the best I could but new politics completely fucked the mental healthcare system and now everybody has to pay up yet I am standing in queue like a fool.
Normally I quench anger and find some peace and stability within myself and turn around to optimism but I am getting so disappointed in everything that I feel like giving one of the involved parties the finger.
- For example: one option is to keep using until I get a new contract somewhere, then tell everyone and get kicking benzo's started, invoking temporary disability or whatever is necessary.
- Another option is to push the caretakers driving them to madness, making a scene to force getting first in line for help, explaining that to my medical officer and the rest should be manageable through the advice this medical officer gives which is normally whatever is necessary to prevent me from breaking down entirely risking more chronic shit. I even considered just getting myself committed and saying 'fuck you' to the negative consequences of doing that.
- The option I probably should take is start switching to diazepam and starting tapering myself once again (I don't even know what my dose would be right now since I don't really keep track of my benzo use which goes up and down and involves many different types), and also driving those healthcare / addiction professionals to the same point of desperation as I am, so to speak.
I don't often whine. But I am fed up being left in the cold, getting impossible options and the fact that there is not really a place reserved in society for a freak like me to be happy. I mean there are places but it will be hard as fuck, harder than right now... having to learn responsibility and repairing my life and changing bad habits in a matter of mere months.
Sorry for the people who are in a 1000 times more misery than I am but I have my own frame of reference and I very rarely find people who have the same weird set of qualities and defects. Very much 'too weird to live, too rare to die'.
I've been passively suicidal for years, by that I mean I don't think I am even remotely close to ever take my own life... yet I am not bothered much at all by the idea that I would accidentally be killed by a freak accident. The beauty in the world, all that knowledge, 'wonders', general potential of life, being skilled at a good number of things - it's been good to me, overwhelmingly so, that I have felt satisfied for years now. It's just that the gates are open, I'm flooded and have grown weary of everything.
Yet I do believe that getting off benzo's will eventually restore my energy and ability to cope and all of that. And I'm getting better and better at learning how to quickly recover from slip-ups and adopting health- and stability promoting habits.
Thanks for confirming my idea about quitting benzo's, Roger, I really appreciate it. Hopefully I won't be experiencing unmanageable withdrawal symptoms for like a year or more like some people do. Does that only happen with people who get enough tolerance to need 10x a normal dose and those who suddenly go cold turkey and chronically mess up their chemical balance? We probably can't tell for sure.
I like the idea of pregabalin or gabapentin like I said. If I'm not mistaken it can promote the conversion of glutamate to GABA to restore a proper equilibrium.