iheartthisthread
Bluelighter
Well if you can get over it, you're a bigger man than I. Good luck.
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SLR Moderators: Senior Staff
My wife has had a short lived affair with someone I know
- Thread starter HMHB
- Start date
iLoveYouWithaKnife
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Mar 30, 2002
- Messages
- 8,351
If you love her, then forgive her and move on.
If you find that it's too hard to let it go- then move on because it will only destroy the relationship further down the road.
Although your hunch was right this time, you still possess characteristics of insecurity (fulfilling the need to rifle thru her phone for concrete evidence)- so maybe your relationship is headed in the wrong direction anyway.
If you find that it's too hard to let it go- then move on because it will only destroy the relationship further down the road.
Although your hunch was right this time, you still possess characteristics of insecurity (fulfilling the need to rifle thru her phone for concrete evidence)- so maybe your relationship is headed in the wrong direction anyway.
CrescentFresh
Bluelighter
I empathize with your situation (minus the kids) - Im going to assume for my response that you Do still love her and want to be with her, but want the nagging feeling of anger etc to go away.
If you DO believe her, I would Ask HER 'What would you do if you were me, or what do you think would be a fair way for us to move forward?" You can't undo the past so that damage she did is already done... I'm not super emotional - but IMO there's no point on beating yourself up internally about it. That wont fix anything or help you out.
Instead - Maybe try to get something more that benefits you out of her. Be that more BJs, more freedom to do what you want alone or with the guys, or slightly more 'control' over her / what she does. You can't be too controlling or aggressive towards her though, or it will cause tension and split things further... IMO you want HER to feel like 'she's apologizing, and making it up to you' - and hopefully those actions whatever they may be, will make you happy short term , and assist you with moving forward.
With 20 years + kids i think its much more worth it to fix things, forgive and move on.
If you DO believe her, I would Ask HER 'What would you do if you were me, or what do you think would be a fair way for us to move forward?" You can't undo the past so that damage she did is already done... I'm not super emotional - but IMO there's no point on beating yourself up internally about it. That wont fix anything or help you out.
Instead - Maybe try to get something more that benefits you out of her. Be that more BJs, more freedom to do what you want alone or with the guys, or slightly more 'control' over her / what she does. You can't be too controlling or aggressive towards her though, or it will cause tension and split things further... IMO you want HER to feel like 'she's apologizing, and making it up to you' - and hopefully those actions whatever they may be, will make you happy short term , and assist you with moving forward.
With 20 years + kids i think its much more worth it to fix things, forgive and move on.
ducednig
Bluelighter
once a cheater always a cheater. u cannot change somebody thats always been there
OutOnTheVeranda
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Sep 7, 2005
- Messages
- 694
DNA test your kids if you haven't already. This could easily be her first time getting caught rather than her first time cheating.
Strongly consider divorce.
Strongly consider divorce.
Definitely a problem and something that will take a long, long time. She was a willing and knowing participant in all this. But also, take a hard look at yourself. She may have been telling you stuff but you may have downplayed it, or ignored it.
Counselling would also like help alot too.
Maybe find some 'discrete' services to help with the therapy lol
Counselling would also like help alot too.
Maybe find some 'discrete' services to help with the therapy lol
HMHB
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 14, 2010
- Messages
- 183
pontifex01, I'm doing fine, thanks for asking, once again a superb post, heartfelt thanks. Relate, the marriage guidance lot could not see me for 6-8 weeks, so my Mrs is paying for me to go to a private counsellor on Monday. We have had a few discussions about it, and I know that (a) we love each other, it's just going to be difficult to trust/move on, and (b)We've both got to chill a bit, as funnily enough i'm all over her (over protective probably), while she's trying to forget about what's happened (reasonable). Will let you know how I get on, thanks all, especially ponti 
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.Uber_Penguin
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jul 21, 2009
- Messages
- 138
I personally believe that people are leaving out some very important things here.
The first and foremost on my mind, as it sounds like you're planning on sticking with it, is figuring out exactly what triggered this. People don't just up and cheat, they cheat for a reason. She may claim that there was nothing that you could have done or nothing that you did to precipitate the event, but if you had, do you think she'd tell you?
Therefore, I'd say that if you want your marriage to continue and for both of you to be happy, you should absolutely get some sort of counseling, because while right now we're looking at this from your view, your wife sounds like a good person, so think about what she must be feeling: here she is, a mother of two and the wife of a man she's been with for 20 years, and she's let her emotions and selfish needs drive her to doing something put all that in jeopardy while causing the man who's stuck with her for so long an immense amount of pain. Don't forget that she's probably feeling a lot of shame and hurt herself right now.
Of course as I mentioned though, what is most important is the fact that regardless of whether or not she'd ever do that again, whatever it is that made her want to do it in the first place is still under there. If you leave that unaddressed, sure, maybe she'll never do it again, but that doesn't mean the desire or the emotions that led her to do what she did won't still be there. Obviously there's some need she had that she believed she could fulfill via doing what she did, and while I don't know your wife, I get the feeling that the need is probably still there. As I said, she may never act on it again, but if you love her and want her to be happy helping her work through that should be a goal as well.
That's why I agree with marriage counseling. We can all sit here and try our very best to go through the situation, but A) working through something like this is a 2 person process, and we only have access to one piece of the puzzle, and B) there's nothing we can tell you here that a counselor trained in dealing with this stuff couldn't. Getting over the adultery itself is only the tip of the iceberg. There's a whole, whole lot more down there that needs to be dealt with, and we probably aren't the ones to do it. Plus I feel that talking things out in a safe and assisted situation would help yourself and your wife better communicate your feelings which, in the end, could end up bringing you closer together than even before this incident.
Either way, keep in mind that the worst thing you could do is just forget about the incident or brush it under the rug. That's a recipe for disaster. Whatever it is that precipitated this in your wife won't just disappear, and the wound left on you won't heal without both of you as active participants.
That's just my thoughts on the issue. I'm a 21 year old dude who's barely dated let alone even thought of marriage, so take from that what you will.
The first and foremost on my mind, as it sounds like you're planning on sticking with it, is figuring out exactly what triggered this. People don't just up and cheat, they cheat for a reason. She may claim that there was nothing that you could have done or nothing that you did to precipitate the event, but if you had, do you think she'd tell you?
Therefore, I'd say that if you want your marriage to continue and for both of you to be happy, you should absolutely get some sort of counseling, because while right now we're looking at this from your view, your wife sounds like a good person, so think about what she must be feeling: here she is, a mother of two and the wife of a man she's been with for 20 years, and she's let her emotions and selfish needs drive her to doing something put all that in jeopardy while causing the man who's stuck with her for so long an immense amount of pain. Don't forget that she's probably feeling a lot of shame and hurt herself right now.
Of course as I mentioned though, what is most important is the fact that regardless of whether or not she'd ever do that again, whatever it is that made her want to do it in the first place is still under there. If you leave that unaddressed, sure, maybe she'll never do it again, but that doesn't mean the desire or the emotions that led her to do what she did won't still be there. Obviously there's some need she had that she believed she could fulfill via doing what she did, and while I don't know your wife, I get the feeling that the need is probably still there. As I said, she may never act on it again, but if you love her and want her to be happy helping her work through that should be a goal as well.
That's why I agree with marriage counseling. We can all sit here and try our very best to go through the situation, but A) working through something like this is a 2 person process, and we only have access to one piece of the puzzle, and B) there's nothing we can tell you here that a counselor trained in dealing with this stuff couldn't. Getting over the adultery itself is only the tip of the iceberg. There's a whole, whole lot more down there that needs to be dealt with, and we probably aren't the ones to do it. Plus I feel that talking things out in a safe and assisted situation would help yourself and your wife better communicate your feelings which, in the end, could end up bringing you closer together than even before this incident.
Either way, keep in mind that the worst thing you could do is just forget about the incident or brush it under the rug. That's a recipe for disaster. Whatever it is that precipitated this in your wife won't just disappear, and the wound left on you won't heal without both of you as active participants.
That's just my thoughts on the issue. I'm a 21 year old dude who's barely dated let alone even thought of marriage, so take from that what you will.
HMHB
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 14, 2010
- Messages
- 183
A very mature post from one so young ! Thanks. We've discussed what made her do it for hours, and she's honestly said there was nothing I could have done differently. Anyone who's been in a relationship for 23 years will understand that you get in a bit of a rut, and with 2 demanding young children, a bit of excitement/attention sparks the butterflies inside you. She has chosen what she wants, and that's me and our family. As she said herself, if she wanted out then she had the opportunity to do it. She has never cheated on me before and will never again (sworn on our kids life ). i know her and believe her. Counselling on Monday, bring it on !
Much love.
Much love.
HMHB
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 14, 2010
- Messages
- 183
Update - had a really good week after the counselling, until last night. Had the most vivid/realistic dream I've ever had, which was basically watching the two of them together from above in her friends house. It was like I was invisible and could zoom in to every detail. After, or before that, there was a repetitive mantra saying, "Her hand has touched his cock, Her mouth has sucked his cock etc. Woke up in a puddle of sweat, and have felt terrible all day. Negative thoughts and images of them together, constantly come in to my head. Really thought Id moved forward after counselling and advice from folks on here, but it seems like I've went back a month. Not had suicidal thoughts, but have had violent revenge thoughts. Anyone experienced similiar ?
Many thanks folks.
Many thanks folks.
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Pagey
Bluelight Crew
^Aw that sucks. It might be a good sign that you dreamt about it though, since that shows you're not internalizing/repressing what happened too much. Even though it must be insanely difficult, it's much better to deal with all the negative emotions now and get it all out of the way - much healthier than if you found yourself still suffering from it ten years down the line for lack of addressing it now. Having that dream really doesn't mean your therapy is being any less effective. I'm glad to hear you feel like counselling has been helping 
HMHB
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 14, 2010
- Messages
- 183
Thanks Pagey, free counselling has a 2 month waiting list, so the Mrs paid for me to go private. Can't afford to go again, so will just annoy you lol. Having been a bit of a wild one when I was younger, the idea of revenge against the guy is growing again. I know it's not the answer, and the problem, the trigger, for the affair lies in our relationship. I feel the anger/rage/disgust growing inside me, as whatever the underlying causes, he knew she was married and prayed on her naivety and love of the attention and being desirable.
Pagey
Bluelight Crew
Feel free to annoy us all you want, that's what we're here for after all
It's perfectly normal for you to be insanely angry at him, remember that - don't feel guilty about those feelings and don't try to repress them either. I remember at the beginning I said it might be good for you to confront the guy, but maybe not actually...there are lots of ways you can let the anger out without doing that. Writing can help. Write him a letter with everything you wish you could say/do to him, as explicit as you want, but don't send it. Buy a punching bag. Sounds stupid but those little things really can help. Exercise in general could really help you unleash a lot of frustration that must have built up these past few weeks.
Pagey
Bluelight Crew
I'm glad to hear you're doing better now! 'Gotta take the crunchy with the smooth', great, now I really want peanut butter 
And if you're from Scotland you really don't need to worry, comfort yourself in knowing your accent probably has all the ladies weak at the knees.
And if you're from Scotland you really don't need to worry, comfort yourself in knowing your accent probably has all the ladies weak at the knees.