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My wife has had a short lived affair with someone I know

I've got to hand it to you, HMHB, you seem like a real class-act, one real well-composed, cool-headed mother fucker. There aren't too many men out there that could have or would have behaved as rationally as you. That makes you an authentic, uncontested, certified and bonafide badass in my book.

+1,000
 
That's going on my gravestone :)
Cheers, verso. You didn't mention that I do a lot of work for charity, and I've got a big cock as well ? :D
 
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Amazing outcome the way this thread reads...I can relate to the hot-headed comments, but personally I think HMHB, you're making all the strong moves. Your children (especially) will be blessed by your determination & skill in handling what must be a severe test in life...I cringe at the mind-movies you must have endured, revenge-driven fantasies and urges etc...the difficult talks & emotions... the whole having your life turned up-side down...I see you as one level-headed bloke with a heart of gold...amazing.
Love endures all things.
Well done mate...Best wishes to you and your prescious family.
Sincerely
 
Thanks Derscheiber, great post, what a nice person :). Quick update, had a bit of a bad time, I was drinking too much, which initiated arguments and also stops the happy pills working. Have now cut down dramatically on the beer, and feel better for it. Still think about it daily, but seem more able to deal with it. Unfortunately i'm still scheming in my head how to get him back. Love you all, esp Pagey !! <3
 
^Nothing wrong with scheming and fantasising - so long as you don't act on it! But if thinking about all the things you could do to get back at him helps you feel better, there's really no reason not to :)

<3
 
HMHB said:
You didn't mention that I do a lot of work for charity, and I've got a big cock as well ? :D
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such a shame you're married.

the big cock is probably what gives you the edge in being the bigger man. its kind of opposite to how quite some short men are aggy cos the have to makes up for something

you don't want to do something that will make getting a job more difficult in the future. anything that affects your employability negatively should be something where you don't get caught and violence is easy for the victim to prove if it involves police and hospital.

the best way to win is being more successful/happy than someone else
 
Without reading through all 5 pages, and while going through a similar situation (note: We had no kids, so obviously that changes things and I can't say how I'd react if I did have any), I would say it will be very hard to forget about him. I tried to do that after she told me the same lines your wife told you, and I just couldn't and always had a suspicion that she was out hooking up with someone when she couldn't be accounted for. This is extremely unhealthy and no way to live. Needless to say, we aren't together anymore and her cheating is what really drove our relationship into the ground.

The guy probably isn't going to tell you the truth if he wants to keep hooking up with her, but I would say it's a better option than trying to forget about him, because I don't think it will work.



Edit: So after reading all 5 pages, I guess this was unnecessary :o
 
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Smash the guys face in good and proper, make an example of him. No one will consider ever doing it again, problem solved. If she truly loves you she will understand that you have to do this.

Controversial, but true.
 
Thanks pofacedhoe, very kind of you. A quick update - it was our anniversary recently and we had a great time away without the kids, though it was only for 2 nights. A few truths came out and I now believe I am more to blame than my wife for the unfaithfulness. It's hard to swallow but it's true. My lifestyle was (only just) accepted by my wife for years. Looking back, I did not treat her as well as she deserved. The anger and pain and rage I felt towards them both, is now redirected back at myself, or my previous self to be accurate. It's a new challenge to get over.
xx
 
lol, this thread again.

ITS NOT YOUR FAULT . SHE CHEATED .

Its clear that you have a messed up relationship if you're going to accept fault for this... if you cave in on this she will think less of you in the future and who knows, maybe she'll try to see what she can get away with next time.

Get her to take responsiblity then try to move forward.
 
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HMHB said:
She's def cut all ties with him, and he knows that I know she's been fucking about. But he doesn't know I know it's him. He's not tried to contact her and won't, as I have a bit of a reputation in the city.Had a long chat with her tonight about it all and we're both wanting to give it a go.
Many, many thanks to you all for your precious time spent replying, and thanks for that link Dizmal, right up our street, cheers. Doc on Monday, then I'll report back.
Much love !
Click to expand...

Good luck with it all. What I have found is you will never truly forget about it, and will never be able to trust her again. I know, its hard to walk away when kids are involved.
 
nooneanymore said:
lol, this thread again.

Its not your fault . She cheated .

Its clear that you have a messed up relationship if you're going to accept fault for this... If you cave in on this she will think less of you in the future and who knows, maybe she'll try to see what she can get away with next time.

Get her to take responsiblity then try to move forward.
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qft.
 
I disagree, we are both at fault, which any therapist/counsellor/book will tell you. If you care to actually research affairs and their causes, you will find mountains of evidence to support this. I guess you are young and naive. You have to understand there are many reasons for infidelity, sometimes very complicated.
Apologies for "this thread again", but just updating as neccesary. Hopefully it will help someone, harm reduction you know :).
 
Listen to yourself man, she's got you wrapped round your little finger.

You may have presented her with a lifestyle that she found difficult, but that does not equate to you being at fault for her opening her legs for your neighbour. She could have dealt with the situation in any number of other ways but chose to be unfaithful, that is in no way your fault.

Fucking hell bro, have some self-respect.
 
HMHB said:
I disagree, we are both at fault, which any therapist/counsellor/book will tell you. If you care to actually research affairs and their causes, you will find mountains of evidence to support this. I guess you are young and naive. You have to understand there are many reasons for infidelity, sometimes very complicated.
Apologies for "this thread again", but just updating as neccesary. Hopefully it will help someone, harm reduction you know :).
Click to expand...

Nobody is perfect in relationships. If there were issues in the relationship, the solution would be to talk about them with your partner--not cheat.
My father said he cheated on my mother because of all the times that she kicked him out and had no where to do--what else was he suppose to do? Hmm, maybe instead of cheating reevaluating his behavior and prioritizing his relationship with his wife and children?
 
HMHB said:
Thanks pofacedhoe, very kind of you. A quick update - it was our anniversary recently and we had a great time away without the kids, though it was only for 2 nights. A few truths came out and I now believe I am more to blame than my wife for the unfaithfulness. It's hard to swallow but it's true. My lifestyle was (only just) accepted by my wife for years. Looking back, I did not treat her as well as she deserved. The anger and pain and rage I felt towards them both, is now redirected back at myself, or my previous self to be accurate. It's a new challenge to get over.
xx
Click to expand...

nooneanymore said:
ITS NOT YOUR FAULT . SHE CHEATED .
Click to expand...

Just when I was thinking it was going okay and the OP is trying to take some responsibility for this??? Noooo!
If you are able to move on from it, then that is great - that's AWESOME actually. But blaming yourself? No. Don't go that far!!
 
Just swinging by to throw my weight behind the above few posters. If you start falling for this bullshit its the beginning of the end my friend. She betrayed her family, there is no excuse for that. Trying to get you to take blame is bullshit. Man the fuck up
 
i have to agree with others op. while yes, you could have done things better; that didnt allow your wife a "get out of jail free" cheat card. you were an asshole partner, she wasnt perfect herself in her duties; she cheated, and now youre to blame?

does this seem fair and balanced in marriage?

...kytnism...:|
 
Initially I thought she was 100% at fault. Then you realise that if everything was great at home then it would not have happened. I thought maybe 80/20 her fault. After having in depth discussions about our relationship, I now realise you can't measure emotions in %'s. We are both to blame, and will disagree about the amount of blame each should shoulder. Only when you have truly looked at yourself, warts and all, then you will know where you stand. Don't get me wrong, she made a huge mistake, and admits it, and is so, so sorry, but part of the root of it all lies at my feet. I cannot ignore that. As I've previously stated, I am still planning my revenge, whether it comes to fruition or not i do not know. What I do know, is that he knew we were married and had small children, therefor he was putting their futures at risk. As was I by my behaviour over the years, and my wife by embarking on an affair. We are all at fault in some way.
 
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