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My little contribution to the internet... (Opiates)

neversickanymore said:
Throw the guilt and shame out the window as it does no good and just drives use and makes us miserable<3

You are not a failure or looser or weak.. addiction comes from our unconscious and we dont control our unconscious, but over time we can retrain it and learn ways of dealing with its manipulations. Your doing great man.. just go give your wife a hug and thank her for all she's done and say that you are not giving up and you will continue to fight this and will never give up.. dont promise her that this is the last time as that can get us in real trouble.. just promise to do the very best you can and then let your actions do all the talking. You can and will do this. Please take some time when you can and look at this thread as I hope it will allow you to throw out allot of the guilt and shame when you are able to understand how addiction works in the brain. It sure helped me when I took the time to figure out whats going on and as soon as I did a huge weight of shame and guilt were lifted. <3

The Brain and Addiction (under construction) ;)
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That's a great link and really, really bad ass thread that you started. Once my thoughts aren't so damn jumbled I really want to dig into that. NSA you're good people man, you're all over these forums trying to help people and I think it's great you do it.

Day 3 for me. Better than yesterday, coming to terms with fucking up. I had kind of planned this being the week to try and kick...Last time, in August I was able to take an entire month off work and that made last time easier. No way I could take more than a day or so off this time though. After I went back to work my team got moved to the very early morning, like 4:30AM so that we can deal with our counterparts in other countries. So this week I scheduled any and all meetings in the mornings and 'worked from home' the later part of my shifts. So I've had to work days 1, 2 and 3 but only for 4ish hours. Hasn't been that awful...hopefully I'll be feeling ok by Monday so I can work my regular schedule.

Anyway. Thanks to anyone paying attention
 
Day 4. Not a lot to say, time is passing SO slow...can't wait to get another week or so under my belt so I can shake these damn cobwebs from my head. Very glad the weekend is here, going to be nice to have a couple days without work stresses.

NSA how much clean time do you have man? I looked around a little bit but didn't see anywhere it was mentioned.

Keep fighting everyone
 
I kicked 150mgpd methadone, 260 mgpd roxies, 6 mgpd xanax, in august of last year and that was just what i was prescribed, I went to that after a long Iv coke/speedball addiction (coke/H) and I have abused the shit outa booze and all the traditional drugs besides speed, ecstasy, ketamine:\.. I dont count my clean time cause if I dont know my addiction doesn't know how long its been waiting.. lol. yeah over a year in and I feel loads better than I ever have. I abused drugs for over two decades with one stint of over a year sober in there around 2000. Shit if I can do this and be as happy and at peace as I am anyone can=D

Your doing great SSOTP<3
 
neversickanymore said:
I kicked 150mgpd methadone, 260 mgpd roxies, 6 mgpd xanax, in august of last year...<3
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All at once?! That had to have been pure hell! Congrats on that sober time though, that's awesome.

Day 5 for me. Nights still WAY worse than the day, damn the days hours pass so slow though. I keep racking my brain for ideas to hold myself accountable and for ways to fight cravings...I thought I was set last time. I def have triggers like work and for some reason watching football, prob because that's all I did most Sundays. I've tried to think real hard if maybe be I use to cover up something else...Like an emotional issue, depression or some type of insecurity...

I don't think that's the case though. I know there's a reason I keep using, and I need to figure out what that is so I can address it.

Enjoy the weekend all
 
Keep it up your doing it<3

Thank You:D Yep all at once.. I felt so miserable that I decided that I was just going to keep plugging.. I went to a huge water park,yeah that was crazy as I would go from 100 degree heat to freezing water and with how off my bodies temp gauge was it was crazy, I went to a pro football game and a pro baseball game and four museums and allot of movies, and tons and tons of other shit.. I was in acute withdrawals for a long muther fuckin time.. I think sitting around focusing on how retched we feel is about the worst thing to do and I dont think it has any positive effect. So I just kept doing shit all the time.. yeah I still thought about how miserable I was often but I the more I was distracted the better.

Keep it up, your doing great:D
 
trying to get to the point where I WANT to stop. I am sick of depending on outside sources to be happy. I can be in the worst mood and as soon as there is hope to get something.. anything, I am in a great mood. I think it is the mental dependency that is the worst.
 
Badroll7 said:
yea updates ??
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My goal was to up date this no matter what...So as ashamed and depressed about it has I am:

Day 1 for me.

I got on here last night and saw your post badroll7, and decided I'm not fucking losing 2,3,4..6 months again. I flushed everything I had on me at after taking a dose at 7PM last night. This morning I regretted that like nothing in a long time!

I didn't make it very far last detox, and I don't feel strong heading into Day 1 of this one. I think I may need to do inpatient for 60 or 90 days. It's something I've been researching all day today, I just don't know if I could EVER leave my family and/or be away from them for that long. I never imagined when I started this back in August that'd I'd be here on my third try. FUCK FUCK FUCK

Anyway. That's the update on me, I am depressed beyond all hell but if I remember last time that lasted 2-3 days and then got better so trying to wait it out.

I'm thinking about a quick 3-4 day sub taper, I know a lot of people are going to be against that...but just trying to be honest and keep you guys up to date.
 
Just a quick update: def decided against SUB, too scared I'll just delay the inevitable.

Got some Xanax and Ambien and someone I know has Gabafentin and by tonight/tomorrow I'll have that. Never takin the Gaba before, can anyone chime in about that?

Today has been fucking hell on earth. Can't wait for this day to be over.
 
I think the GABA is one of if not the most beneficial drug for opiat withdrawal. It really does wonders in allot of people for the RLS and neuropathic pains. Tarascon Pocket pharmacopoeia call for dose of gabapentin "300mg PO tid, max 3600 mg/day in 3 or 4 doses" I would get off of it as soon as you can cause it can cause dependence as well. You can make it... fight fight fight..
 
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^ I'll agree
Pregablin and gabapentin helped me kick a nasty iv dope habit

Totally got rid of the rls for me
 
Day 2. Once I'm in this far in I'm always able to tough it out, the fuck if I went through all this for nothing. Last night was so unbelievably god awful....FUCK. But the first night after having nothing in me all day is usually the worst 10-12 hours of it overall.

Why do I keep jumping back to it after 2,3,,4 weeks clean? And the scary thing is my use keeps skyrocketing, up to 300mg+ this last time. What really scares me is I thought about crushing and snorting A LOT, I feel like I'm on the precipice, if I can't make this time work inpatient rehab is the next option.

It's embarrassing to re post every couple weeks on here that 'hey, I'm on day one. Again.'

My head is in such a fucked up place, can't wait for a few more days to pass and my head to clear. I hate this self-loathing, shame, embarrassment and guilt.
 
Oh lord help me...I've never faced temptation like this in my life.

I went over to visit my pops today since he's sitting at home after getting his foot crushed at work. He's getting ready to head back to work and had just seen the work comp doctor and handed me a file to look at with all his past visit info etc etc....

FUCK

Script after script of pills that he never filled...FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

I left without taking any of them with me. But god all those unfilled scripts are all I am thinking about. How the fuck how can I resist this? I've never had it in front of me like like right in the throws of WD
 
I can relate to everything you said in the op. Started the same age, taking for 4 years, clean for half a year, went to rehab, na, etc...

You know you've got this man. Don't beat yourself up for struggling and relapsing. Dust yourself off and keep moving. Show those beautiful kids how strong their daddy is. All we can do is our best. Stay focused, work through it.

You've got my prayers and my love my friend. 6 days clean, excited for day 7.
 
S0SickofThesePills said:
Oh lord help me...I've never faced temptation like this in my life.

I went over to visit my pops today since he's sitting at home after getting his foot crushed at work. He's getting ready to head back to work and had just seen the work comp doctor and handed me a file to look at with all his past visit info etc etc....

FUCK

Script after script of pills that he never filled...FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

I left without taking any of them with me. But god all those unfilled scripts are all I am thinking about. How the fuck how can I resist this? I've never had it in front of me like like right in the throws of WD
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call your dad and tell him whats up or you may likey be back to snag them. Then you will be back in hell and will be doing prescritoon fraud or some such shit to get there. Just make the call otherwise its going to ware you down and possibly break you<3
 
I'm so happy to have helped you there. Getting and giving support will get us through this shit together. You're a lion brother. When it gets unbearable vocalize it, you're doing everything you should and I know you're going to make it through. I'm proud you stood your ground, what a difficult situation that must have been. We'll be in touch. I look forward to getting through this with you.
 
neversickanymore said:
call your dad and tell him whats up or you may likey be back to snag them. Then you will be back in hell and will be doing prescritoon fraud or some such shit to get there. Just make the call otherwise its going to ware you down and possibly break you<3
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Just got back from my parents house, sat down with them and my wife. They know everything now...which is for the best. It stops me from doing something stupid plus their support was kind of surprising. I need to get over whatever inside me never wants to ask for help and wants to keep this so hush hush...my wife wants me to come clean to my/our friends, her parents, the pastor of our church and everyone else it seems. I would rather no one know but her and I. Maybe its time to suck it up and ask others for help.

TryingToGetBetter said:
I'm so happy to have helped you there. Getting and giving support will get us through this shit together. You're a lion brother. When it gets unbearable vocalize it, you're doing everything you should and I know you're going to make it through. I'm proud you stood your ground, what a difficult situation that must have been. We'll be in touch. I look forward to getting through this with you.
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Same to you man. It's kind of cool our time is fairly close, let's beat this shit bro. Once and for all.
 
It's great that our time line is fairly close. I can relate to you better than just about anyone I've ever met in NA or rehab. We got this together. Lean on me brother.
 
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