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My little contribution to the internet... (Opiates)

S

S0SickofThesePills

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 7, 2013
Messages
81
Hey all-

I have visited this site and others like it for quite awhile now through my many WD's and attempts at getting clean. I've never bothered to register and/or tell my story...Until now. (theme music plays)

My journey with this awful drug began about four years ago. I was in my early 20's and up to this point had never experimented with drugs other than smoking a little weed in H.S. and weed never really did it for me. My first experience with Opiates was a Vicodin prescription I got from my dentist. That bottle of 15 pills probably lasted 6 months with me taking one here and there. Never thought about em, never craved em I just liked to take one here and there when having some beers etc etc... What changed it for me was a co-worker who had knee surgery and got a large prescription of Oxycodone. Unfortunately, our desks were right next to each other and after him telling me he hates them and me telling him I like them, he gives me the entire bottle; 90 of these little beautiful pills. Well like all addicts once in awhile turned into every night, then every morning and then 3, 4, 5, 6, times a day. Most opiate addicts probably followed a similar cycle when their addiction started, nothing unique about it.

After that it was six months of solid use, like all early users it was anything I could get my hands on, anything that would keep the WD's at bay. I stopped after that 6 months and was actually clean for about 5 months, without ever really thinking about them. Then my mother got sick and needed surgery and was getting bottle after bottle of pills and never taking any. So what happened? Yup. I had myself a dandy old time. 6 months later and clean again, only to use a month or so later; which is the pattern my life as followed pretty much the last 3 years. In that time I've never been clean longer than a month or so, though there have been a handful of those 1 month milestones.

I am married to a wonderful woman and have been blessed with two absolutely gorgeous, healthy children. I am sick and tired of being a slave to these pills, I want to be a better father, husband and person in general. I was finally done this past June, June 2nd to be exact. I went to my wife, told her how bad it had become and detoxed. I made it 24 days, I was even attending NA meetings. However, I started back up with 'just a couple days' and 'once I'm through this project' well that turned into another month. So, before it turns into another 6 months here I am. Three days clean and absolutely miserable.

I won't get into all the tips and tricks I've acquired, it's all been discussed hundreds of times on these boards before. The only thing I'll mention (and only because I've never seen it mentioned anywhere else) is a foot massager. Has anyone else tried this? It works wonders for the RLS. I spend hours with my feet just shaking and vibrating away and I truly think this thing is my best tool when facing WD.

Anyway, that's pretty much my journey. Sorry if anyone finds this long, I just wanted to finally jump in and contribute. NA just didn't didn't do it for me, I'm hoping maybe this will. No more promises, no more guarantees, just me waking up everyday and trying my damnedest to be sure TODAY is not a day I use.

Thanks for reading and good luck with your own journey.
 
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Just shy of 48 hours, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I've decided to use this forum post as kind of my own little journal, I've never kept anything like that before... One thing I always find myself wondering when reading these forums are whether or not the people ever make it out the other side. They usually post for a month or two and then, nothing. Did they escape? Or are they still fighting the fight?

Something about this time feels different for me. I feel determined to beat this addiction. I'm long past the point of making promises and declarations only to break them a month or so later, I've been humbled by my junkie self too many times to know the end of that story. I truly for the first time have adopted a 'one day at a time' approach. Will it always be 'one day at a time?' God I hope not...but for now it is.

I thought I'd add a little to my first post and discuss what I've taken during my detox. I try to take as little as possible during detox because I'm terrified of developing any kind of addiction to something else. The maximum amount of time I'll allow myself to take any other type of medication is 72 hours. When I stopped using my typical daily dose of Oxycodone I was at 6/7 30MG Roxi, not an absurdly high dosage but enough to grab you and not let go. I have never sniffed, injected or taken pills in any way other than swallowing. I don't mention this for any reason other than to give an idea of my usage and how I was taking.

My last dose was 1:30 PM on Sunday:

Sunday evening before bed I took 0.1MG of Clonodine and 50MG of Seroquel. I slept like a baby, was not yet in full WD, mostly mental fear of what was coming.

Monday I woke up feeling not that bad, however, within a 1/2/ hour of waking up I was miserable. I got through this day by taking hot showers every 30 minutes (literally) and reading about detoxing and addiction online, something I seem to do during each bout of WD. No drugs during the day and 0.1MG of Clonodine and 50MG Seroquel an hour before bed. This night was awful. I tossed and turned all night, literally having to move and rearrange every 5 seconds. Far and away the worst 9 hours or so of my WD thus far.

I woke up Tuesday feeling grateful the morning had arrived. Unfortunately, this day is when the poops began. I held out as long as I could and then took 12MG (6-2MG tabs) of Loperamide. I'm not a believer that this helps WD symptoms, I simply take it for it's intended purpose, which is to stop diarrhea. It seemed to help and got me through the rest of the evening without running to the toilet every 20 minutes. On this night I took 0.1MG of Clonodine and 100MG Trazadone. Getting to sleep was rough, but once I fell asleep I slept through the night just fine.

I woke up Wednesday feeling pretty good since by some miracle I had gotten some sleep. This day is just a repeat of Monday and Tuesday. Showers, lying in bed watching tv, computer, foot massager, crying etc etc...I was actually able to eat a little soup this day and tried to hydrate with liquids as best I could. I took no drugs this day except 100MG of Trazadone at night before bed. It took an hour or so to fall asleep, but I was again able to sleep through the night.

That brings me to today, and just shy of 48 hours. I still feel pretty crappy but days one, two and three are always my worst days. Another 48 hours or so and then I really start to struggle. I've never had too hard of time with the physical stuff...It's always PAWS that gets me and that feeling that 'I just don't feel quite right.' I won't take any medication today except Trazadone before bed, which will make 72 hours and 3 doses, so that'll be the last night of that.

Again, thanks to anyone taking the time to read. If you're struggling through WD or recovery right now, then the best of luck to you.
 
Thanks for the welcome alasdairm...

Today is Day 5 for me. Feeling a little better, definitely nearing the end of most of the physical stuff. Now the hard part starts, the mental shit is what gets me the most. I'm pretty determined to stay clean though...I erased any and all drug related contacts from my phone, even some old friends. I also changed my phone number so I can't be tempted by a text or anything later.

I'll going to come back to this thread occasionally to post updates; even though I don't think anyone is reading past the first post :)

I want to keep this thread going during whatever journey I'm on
 
I'm reading it lol. I went threw a similar journey. Really what opiate addict doesn't? But I wish you the best of luck threw your journey. I could never quit after I started though. I could go threw 3 days maybe max and the physical symptoms would have me too bad I would find something. But I've been clean now for 7 months. However, when I say "clean" I mean I'm on suboxone. That was the only thing that could take me away from oxy. I was like you too that I only swallowed my pills, and my daily habit was 600-750mg of oxy when I finally quit. I also have 2 kids and have a great husband (also a recovering opiate addict) he got on suboxone too but he has tapered himself off.

Anyways, sorry that was kind of scattered. But I just wanted to wish you luck.
 
We are in the same boat. Almost exactly except I only have one beautiful little girl and only detoxed once before and remained sober for 2 months. Here I am back at 4-5 blues a day and trying to taper. Jumping off the last time left me screwed up for a while, kinda leading me back to these things again.

Good luck. I hope to be close behind. I'm going to try and get down to 30 mg or lower before I stop.
 
Kandi- thanks for responding! I was hoping to meet some people in similar situations. I don't think my wife has ever so much as held a smoke much less done drugs. That kinda stuff just doesn't do it for her...however, that makes it very hard for her to understand. She doesn't understand why someone would put themselves through WD over and over...I try to talk to her about it but its different for people who haven't been in these shoes.

How many MG of Sub are you on? Kudos on 7 months BTW, a whole heck of a lot better than oxy that's for sure. How long has your husband been clean?

Oh yeah. I'm in Colorado too, like 15 minutes from downtown Denver.
 
Not Again- jump in! We'll battle it together...
I've never really been able to taper, it'll for for awhile but then a huge supply or something comes in and, boom. Back square one.

Only way I can jump is straight off the cliff.

How old is your little one?
 
Great intro! It is a bit long, but personally I find the longer the better.. a full story is almost always better to read!

I applaud you for getting yourself sober and straightened out, and doing it for yourself and your wonderful family. If only we could all do such a thing. In my experience Bluelight has great resources on keeping clean.. tips and tricks, even horror stories if that helps you.

From one new member to another, welcome! Opiates are also my vice.
 
Tnich55 thanks for the encouragement, it's very much appreciated.

Day 7 for me. The biggest thing I'm still struggling with is not sleeping, like every other person alive not sleeping is one of the most obnoxious things for me to deal with.

Even though I'm incredibly tired, all day yesterday I forced myself to be out and about. Spent most of the day at a birthday party and then shopping and errands. I find that there is no 'magic' day WD's are over, they just kinda slowly fade away. By forcing myself outside and into the world, each day becomes easier and easier.

Leaving in a few minutes to drive up to the mountains here in Colorado, each weekend we go to a different spot for hiking and such. The kids always enjoy it and I'd feel bad if they had to miss it.

Hope everyone enjoys the weekend.
 
Hello again,as new members we are only allowed to PM every180 minutes (which I think is a mistake for the purpose of private messages, especially if attempting recovery).

I am fairly happy doing what I do and when I do it (recreatioally and on occasion and sadly to the max/however).

I was a post graduate specialist Mental health/dual diagnosis (drugs and alcohol) worker which may sound crazy to some..After 14 years in that job I left 3 years ago and while I can suggest the standard clinical/non clinical help/self help etc I just feel like a charlatan really.

You are extraordinarily lucky (as I am sure you are aware) to have a partner and children. I would like to think my life would change/will change as I hang on to the very last of my child bearing years with little hope.
I gave up my clean living attempt to have children a long time ago..so maybe I don't deserve them..any way back to you.

I am happy to give you the standard verse we gave-however you have picked out a number of things yourself that help.

Can I suggest you find a decent reflexology practitioner, which may help no end with sleep problems and maybe withdrawal. especially associated detox anxiety.Healthy food and exercise are key to stave off depression,. I would also recommend from a clinical perspective that you don't go cold turkey but with your Doc's help gradually reduce the dose (that is standard practice in UK ) but I know you Americans go in for your hardcore detox approach. Again you really should follow your docs advice..now I am total screwball insomniac weekend popper.
YOU know it is effectively down to how much you want and need this change. I would also highly suggest if you don't have a hobby that you find one sharpish- alone, you have a think about that, Time to reflect and sort your headspace out while doing something you love /just for you is key.
I am not suggesting you take up skydiving or something strange but something gentle that you enjoy. See you on the pm. life is beautiful and what predominantly we choose to make it. I don't do what I do out of anxiety or boredom or reliance-I am just an old hedonist free spirit who pushes it too hard on occasion---is it the blind leading the blind or did that help?;) But I must stress please see your Dr in the UK we have a new 5 day opiate detox called naltrexone (google it) it may have a different name there but..again don't go it alone...envelope yourself in as much professional care as you can afford.

ALSO if this posting is helping, continue to post here but get a diary and treat it as a mood diary to detect when the mental urges are to medicate (as opposed to the physical reliance you will have) Some things should be between you and the book.
 
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Welcome......these members are well worth turning to for advice or to share. Been with the opiates for years now. Doubt I will ever see another day of my life without them. At least I can walk.....couldn't function in any capacity without them. Addicted...yes, but there are things in life a lot worse. Most people here know that.
 
Day 8 for me. It's hard to believe that's it's been a week, looking back it seems like it went by fast; even though every single day seemed to drag on forever. Still no sleep, which is to be excepted. Most other physical symptoms have diminished greatly or gone away all together. Still not much energy, that'll probably hang around for quite awhile.

So far I haven't really had to fight urge to use, I keep waiting for that to happen. It's been nice that so far it hasn't...

Inflorescence: I guess my biggest reason for just doing it CT w/o a taper or DR care is that I just believe there really isn't an easy way out. I knew and always told myself that at sometime I was going to have to 'pay the piper'. I will try and find something for the post WD's, I might try NA again perhaps...For now posting here each day seems to be helping. I'm not sure why, I've never journal-ed or blogged before. Also, you're definitely right. Having a partner and family to turn to for support makes all the difference in the world. I can't imagine experiencing this nightmare w/o support.

HunterSS: The knowledge and breadth of experience on these forums is incredible. Nothing can possibly compare to people who have experienced all this first hand, usually for years and years. Sorry to hear that you seem to be in so much pain, I wish you the best and thanks for stopping by!
 
Hello :)
I'm also new here (in fact this is my very first post!) but i've scoured these forums for years and this is the first blog-type thread i've seen - probably because i'm usually looking for an answer to an question though.

I think documenting your experiences, whichever media we choose to use, can be really therapeutic and putting it out there for others to benefit from is a great idea. Thanks for sharing! (Haha i sound like i've walked straight from an NA meeting!) I'm curious about a few things though.. you mentioned getting pills from a colleague and from your mum, but apart from those occasions where were you getting your drugs from? Also, was it just oxycodone you were using or did you use other opioids and opiates? I was wondering about that 'cause you said you've never sniffed or used needles. That's not something i've come across before in regular drug users, but from lurking in these forums i've learnt that prescription-only meds are a lot easier to come by in the US.
Anyway, i've enjoyed reading this thread and i'll be popping back for updates so i do hope you continue posting!
All the best, xx
 
dylaninthemovies- Good questions...I always got my pills 'on the street'. Buying from whoever had them, though I had pretty regular supplies from 2/3 'dealers' meaning pretty regular people who sold there scripts instead of actually taking the medicine. I used about 90% Oxycodone, I had an almost unlimited supply of 30MG Roxi's. The unfortunate thing is that being able to get pills so easily is what feeds and/or keeps this addiction going. The other 10% I used any Opiate I could get that would keep WD's at bay, Morphine, Opana, Vic's...I also always had 100 or so Tramadol stored in case things really dried up. I hated Tramadol, but at least I could work and function if that's all I had.

From my past experiences it's so easy for a small script' from a dentist or Dr. to turn into a 6 month binge because of all the contacts drug users build up. That's a big reason I deleted everything from my phone and changed my number. While I certainly hope it never happens, I'm being realistic to the fact that I might be dumb at a party or slip up sometime down the road. What I never want to have happen again is losing months of my life to this addiction...without drug contacts and places to get pills, it'd be a good deal harder to feed the addiction. Don't get me wrong though, my ultimate goal is to never take another Opiate again, ever. I just simply can't control myself with this drug.

Today is Day 11 for me. Last night was still pretty rough though I think I nodded off a few times. Hopefully that trend continues!
 
What you said about being realistic to the fact there may be slips ups, is an idea i toy with a lot when maintaining sobriety. For me slipping up is followed by huge amounts of guilt, then a lot of self deprecation, which usually leads to more drug use. So i try to remain realistic and not beat myself up too much when mistakes do happen. But on the flipside of that if we don't truly feel the guilt and disappointment that naturally comes with relapsing, what's to prevent the same behavior in the future? So then it's back to self-berating and penalizing. And the internal battle continues! I guess like all things it's tryna strike a balance.

You said something about a foot massager aswell btw? Is that to help with restless legs? If so, does it work? The only thing i've found to be of any help whatsoever is hanging both legs out of the bed and placing your feet flat on the floor. It helps somewhat, just don't start thinking about the monsters under the bed!

Your progress is really encouraging, you're so close to the two week mark now, brilliant :)
 
dylaninthemovies- Yeah a foot massager helps me out tremendously, it just seems to give my legs something to do...It seems to stimulate them the same way tossing and turning every 5 seconds does.

Day 13! Sleeps been getting better each night... Last night I took 5MG of Melatonin an hour before bed and fell asleep rather quickly, I woke up every 2-3 hours but didn't take anything else and fell back asleep each time. I'm hoping tonight goes even better, I haven't decided whether or not to try w/o the melatonin. Still not a ton of energy but I am hoping that as sleep improves this will get better.
 
SSTP, welcome. You and I have almost the same story (down to the wife and children...all of whom made the transition manageable). After my first 30 days of being clean and sober (alcoholic & addict) I had to take some time off from BL. For me, I had to focus on me and to do that, I could no longer visit BL without triggering.

My sobriety date is May 7, 2013. BL was the place where I chronicled my sobriety and without this place I'm not sure I would have made it. I tell myself, this is my karma (what will be will be, no matter what), but by putting one foot in front of the other and following a path that's been set out I've made it a little over 90 days now.

But above all, I stayed sober today and that's all that's really important to me. Take care and remember there are those of us that are here to support one another in early sobriety and beyond, one only need ask for help (easier said than done, but doable!).
 
aliencowstorm.. so good to see you sir and even better to hear that you are doing good. miss you around the boards though, hopefully you can come back comfortably and help others with thier struggles I know it helps me allot..

again damn good to see you ACS!! :)

EDIT: Here is that thread.. its a good one so you may want to check it out sossick and you may want to throw in an update alien >Day three, this sucks<
 
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