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My last Day 1 (Recovery Journal)

Thanks toothpaste. I've read and wrote down your advice on lyrica. Very very grateful mate.
 
Hi, VE. I just caught up on your story. Fucking inspiring. We're all down in the trenches. Sending my best.
Sim

PS Thanks for the good wishes on my Day 9
 
Hey Simco and Sam!

Thanks for checking on me. I'm doing good. More good than bad, anyway. I did come down with a cold over the weekend and it caused me to have cravings. It felt a little too much like acute wds (not as bad obviously), which took me back to my first week (I had a cold during my first week so I think my mind kinda linked the wd symptoms with the cold symptoms I was feeling at the time) and opiates felt like the answer for awhile there. I was also exhausted after a really long week, and today is my only day off. I feel better today after getting some rest.

I am tired all the time, but pretty used to it and it's easy to push through until about 9ish at night when I crash. Appetite is still an issue and I'm losing weight at an alarming rate. Good thing I have some extra! I picked up some MCT oil (super fattening, but the good fat) and will be adding that to my smoothies going forward. I might have extra, but I need to slow this down as it's not sustainable. Not to mention that 35 days in I shouldn't still be losing this much weight.

Keep going, guys. It's totally worth it. Even with being tired, hungry and all around "blah" - it's worth it. It's almost like there are new things to be excited about every day. I actually am thinking about going to protest at the pipeline and I don't think I would have been able to do it with the opiates. Mostly because of the high chance of getting arrested and not wanting to go through wds in a dog kennel or jail (I guess they don't let you take drugs into jail with you, haha). I would have been too scared to go. I honestly don't know if I'll make it there, it depends on work (it might be hard to get away after just coming back from a bunch of time off) but at least I can entertain the thought now! At least I don't have that voice telling me that I gotta leave the civil disobedience to people not addicted to narcotics. Watch out world, my civilly disobedient/sober ass is coming for you!!

- VE
 
Glad to hear your doing as well as you can be. VE. I'm still going ok. Day 19 .. To be honest I don't know if I I'll or having wd but last two days I been sick as a pig as we say .. anxiety Through the roof. And today I felt that bad I went home from work. First day I've had to have day of during it. By the way. What's the pipeline ? What's the protest about ? lol. It's funny u said about how you now can think differently. Before thank the Lord I'm a manager so knew when drug test coming up and I also didn't have to do it. But for here it's for weed more than anything
And to be honest the lads I knew who smoked it at weekends or say a party I'd give heads up as what a total hypocrite I'd have been for sacking someone for weed. If only they knew.
Heads a shed also can't think clearly So thankfully I got away with this saying I ill
so yeah last two days not been good. But I will carry on as never got this far or wanted it this much. I think I've dropped lyrcia dose to much hence maybe why I feel like crap.
so after what toothpaste said I upped it a little this afternoon and now feel best I've felt in couple of days. I knew it wouldn't be easy. My partner been amazing through this to be honest. I'm glad I told him.
 
Day 20. Not gone into work as still feel rough. Maybe I have bug along side this ?? Who knows. Lol. Anyway last night I read and watched video of roxy abuse in USA. Here in UK oxy abuse is lot lower than USA as they mega hard to get hold of here. Heroin. Still main one here. Anyway back to point. I was taking orally 120mg twice sometimes three times a day and as I've said I no way at all suggest ppl take that amount as I've said I built up to that level I thought that was huge amount it is huge amount but that also one of things that scared me into also quitting and what I seen last night shocked and scared the hell out of me. It was saying that more babies now born wd from pain meds in USA then heroin and one woman was saying she started on 30mg orally 3x day and in end she was on 30x30mg up to three times a day !!! So 900mg. It was like wtf. And she was snorting it ?? So like either 1800mg a day or 2700mg. I was floored. Like how was she not dead ??? 360mg a day orally scared shit out of me.
I won't be going back on it. My mind still strong even though I anxious and at times having shit physical symptoms. Which I think as I said yesterday is due to me lowering dose of Lyrica
So thanks for reading my rambles. It helps just writing this to be honest.
 
Don't believe everything you hear in the media reported on opioid use, especially when it concerns pregnancy.

120mg is pretty hefty habit. I mean, there are larger habits out there, but kicking 120mg would be just as bad as kicking a nasty heroin habit.

Keep your head up my friend, you're doing great! It is good to hear you are taking care of yourself today. What are your plans since you're not going into work?
 
Thanks for always answering me toothpaste I do appreciate it. And all other ppl comments .. Yeah your right about media. This was video on YouTube that cnn did lol. So yeah come to think it. I've cleaned lol scrubbed house. Bleached everywhere and then looked after me did nails hair etc. just women things. As we do. Bit anxious again today but just tried to take mind of it. Appetite poor still can only mange boiled eggs toast and fruit. And yogurts I try and have banana then cover it in yogurt. Again I'm rambling lol. But apart from partner this group is only other outlet I have. So thanks.
 
Nice, that is fucking awesome! You are taking care of yourself. I don't think any of us could ask for more :)

Got any plans to have some healthy fun? Maybe see a film, prepare and eat a tasty meal, go on a walk, listen (and perhaps dance) to some funky music, something of that nature?
 
Hahahah toothpaste your not going to belive it but honest to god we started dance classes. Me and partner doing old school original 50s Rock and roll. For hour and half on Sunday eve. I love 50s /60s. Even dare I say it country hahaha. I know them genres very different lol. Dam I should be USA citizen loll. Would love to go to Nashville belive it or not. Now that wud be my ideal holiday.
and adding this I've just realised I'm laughing due to what I saying about liking country etc. maybe even country more so. now to us peeps wd to laugh is a big thing. Feels like it been a while. So again thank you toothpaste ..
also I hope VE if you reading this. I hope your good mucker.
Also day 21 clean :) :) :) :).
 
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I'm reading! And I'm so proud of you! Day 21 is HUGE. It's hard to imagine that it's been 3 whole weeks, huh?

Im sorry I haven't been very active in posting. But I do check BL every morning when I wake up and every night when I get home from work. I've just been so swamped at work (I'm still paying for the 3 weeks I took off) that it's hard to find time to post responses, but I'm always reading! I have traded my opiate addiction for a BL addiction. I'll get back to my regular excessive posting soon, I hope.

Keep it up, Sam and Simco! You guys are kicking ass.

- VE
 
Glad to hear you doing well VE :). Thanks and also thanks simco and as always toothpaste. You guys especially toothpaste puts up and answers my rambling and sometimes crazy questions it does feel good. Day 22 !!!!!
And still going good. Tomorrow I'm back at work feeling a little anxious about this and by sounds of it I got some shit to sort out. So it's either going to go two ways I do good and it takes my mind if Oxys as today if I'm honest was first day I mentally wanted them I think But then I reminded myself I was taking them anymore due to warm fuzzy feeling I first got. I was in end just taking them to make me feel normal. Or I fall apart positive thinking it first one.
So just did glassware I make instead and spoke to son for bit which made me sad as I thought shit when did I last do this straight headed?
I not proud of some of things I done or debt I in due to roxys. And god knows how I managed to hold down job and sort kids uni out etc.
ironic thing is my daughter going to work for high law enforcement group. That's all I can say on that lol. But can u imagine if I ever been caught buying this shit ?? Anyway. Time for bed as up at 6. It's like wow how my life gonna be now now I oxy free ? Lol. Well I'm finding out. And looking forward to it and money I'll now have. Take guys

sammie
 
Day 46 - 4 days longer than I have made it in the last 9 years. That's a milestone for me.

I'm still struggling a bit. I know it's just PAWS, but I'm exhausted. I came down with a cold/flu/who-the-fuck-knows last weekend and it's just been lingering. Some days worse, some days a bit better, but I'm always a bit off and really tired. Work has been a nightmare. I came back from my 3 weeks off and there has been one disaster after another and I'm lucky to get one day off a week or work a day less than 10 hours.

Last night I came home after a long and particularly stressful day at work and actually passed out. As in, I was tired, I wasn't feeling good at all, and I stood up too fast or something and passed out. My vision got blurry, my ears started ringing and it sounded like I was under water and far away from everyone, I got super week and that was it. That's only happened to me one other time about 7 years ago. I just feel physically worn out. My appetite is still shitty and I'm still lucky to get down one good meal a day with the help of my appetite stimulant (weed). That's probably not helping my generally run-down feeling.

I also think that not spending enough time on sober living is bumming me out. I knew I would have to cut down a little when I went back to work - but I'm using this as my ongoing recovery and when work takes all my time and energy, I dont have any left to do anything but read on SL.

I guess I'm just in a PAWS funk and don't know how to get out of it. But I haven't had any lapses, so I'm proud of myself for that. Since my recent illness, I have been having cravings, but they are easy to push aside right now.

Thanks for letting me vent.

- VE
 
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Please try not to be so hard on yourself my dear, you have been through a lot. This is what we're hear for, so vent that shit away ;)

I'm glad you are taking care of yourself VE! Keep up the good work <3
 
That is cool you can set aside the cravings while having those issues. My cravings are unbearable. It's not easy to hold out.
 
Shroomy -

I don't want to act like the cravings are nothing. I have had to set up a lot of road blocks between me and opiates in order to be successful. My only access to opiates is through my doctor and he knows I'm currently not taking opiates. If I made an appointment (which would be a few weeks out) I'm sure he would write me a script if I said I needed it. but it's not like they are sitting on the table next to me, there are days, if not weeks, between me and opiates - no matter how bad I want them. There is NO way I could buy any - I literally wouldn't know where to start. My options are limited. I guess maybe the cravings are a bit less because I don't have easy access to my DOC?

- VE

P.S. - 50 days!
 
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