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My last Day 1 (Recovery Journal)

VastEmpty said:
Hey guys...

I am so glad I have you guys for support. I need some now and have no one to turn to here that understands like you all do.

On Tuesday of this week I had a horrible flare-up of my autoimmune condition - without giving anyone TMI, it randomly happens about twice a year that a flare-up is inevitable. So one happened on Tuesday and they last about 5-7 days. I was in sooooo much pain that I took 7.5 milligrams of oxy. Wednesday I took 15 mgs total throughout the day and today 15 again. I'm so terrified of what this will do to my progress.

I know you guys are thinking "you have chronic pain, didn't you plan for this?" Yes! I have pain every day and I've taken steps to reduce that pain and deal with it in natural ways and with OTC painkillers (usually ibuprofen). I knew the flare ups would come eventually, but I thought after the pain of wds, I could deal with any pain for 5-7 days...I thought wrong. I'm just so confused about what this means for my progress thus far. Do I start counting over? I don't want to. I fought like hell for my two months and I don't want to lose it. I'm afraid I may need to take more tomorrow (as little as possible!) - could this put me back into wds? I wouldn't take any more than I had to. After tomorrow, the worst of the pain should be passed. And I'll have the weekend to recover if I do get wds...

I just feel like absolute shit. I'm in pain, I feel exhausted and just dull from the opiates I have taken. Nothing about this is good and I am so confused about it all. I know what I need to do, which is just take it one day at a time and as little amounts as possible and then get right back on the trail. But I have no idea how to feel about it. I don't even know if that makes sense. Sorry for the rambling.

Love or advice would be appreciated.

- VE
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VE I think you handled this marvolously. You are not back to square one just because you have to take an appropriately prescribed medication, as prescribed, for a chronic condition.

Opioid addiction is funny in that, even after we have become habituated to opioid use and then have become abstinent, taking them again will not necessarily lead us back to the depth of our addiction. One the on hand, if you use them to get high - well duh - of course you'll end up right where you started. But, if you are in severe pain and don't have any other practical options, it is very, very rare for people who only use them for their analgesic effect to awaken the beast of addiction.

It is the difference between self medicating and an appropriate medical treatment - night and day. I hope you are feeling better VE <3

Sending you lots of metta :)
 
Thanks, TPD. I feel like I've recovered from my flare up nicely and can move on as I had planned! Today is day 10 without tobacco. Woo hoo! After quitting opiates, I feel like anything else is pretty much a walk in the park. Maybe during a blizzard or rain storm - but a walk in the park none the less.

Around the holidays, I have about a week off, and I plan to quit my SSRIs during that time period. I will go into the new year on zero mind altering prescriptions! I'm also going to quit weed for awhile. A few months at least. I think I've relied a bit too heavily on it since quitting the opiates. Mostly I've been eating edibles, but I do smoke sometimes too. I've relied on that in the evenings when I haven't been able to smoke and the cravings are severe. I think it's about time I took that crutch away as well. I don't have any desire to abstain long term, but for awhile at least.

Does anyone have experience quitting edible marijuana? I'll have to ask Shroomy, I think he did it recently - or maybe even visit the cannabis forum. I don't think I need to taper it or anything, but I've been partaking daily for at least 2.5 months now.

im still moving steadily toward my goal of clean and healthy living. I'm also making progress on my overall goal to serve my community and those around me. Now if I could shake off this PAWS bullshit, life would be sunshine and rainbows! I hope everyone else is doing as well as can be.

- VE
 
You don't need to taper off an oral cannabis habit like you would an opioid or benzo habit, but that doesn't mean a taper is a bad idea.

It all depends on you and how you feel. What are your body and intuition suggesting you do? I'd do that.
 
VastEmpty said:
Thanks, TPD. I feel like I've recovered from my flare up nicely and can move on as I had planned! Today is day 10 without tobacco. Woo hoo! After quitting opiates, I feel like anything else is pretty much a walk in the park. Maybe during a blizzard or rain storm - but a walk in the park none the less.

Around the holidays, I have about a week off, and I plan to quit my SSRIs during that time period. I will go into the new year on zero mind altering prescriptions! I'm also going to quit weed for awhile. A few months at least. I think I've relied a bit too heavily on it since quitting the opiates. Mostly I've been eating edibles, but I do smoke sometimes too. I've relied on that in the evenings when I haven't been able to smoke and the cravings are severe. I think it's about time I took that crutch away as well. I don't have any desire to abstain long term, but for awhile at least.

Does anyone have experience quitting edible marijuana? I'll have to ask Shroomy, I think he did it recently - or maybe even visit the cannabis forum. I don't think I need to taper it or anything, but I've been partaking daily for at least 2.5 months now.

im still moving steadily toward my goal of clean and healthy living. I'm also making progress on my overall goal to serve my community and those around me. Now if I could shake off this PAWS bullshit, life would be sunshine and rainbows! I hope everyone else is doing as well as can be.

- VE
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TPD is right ive smoked weed for most of my life only having to stop when urine tests started at pain man. and i never had any problems stopping even after longtime use. Besides i think after quitting oxy other addictions like weed or cigs seem much easier to quit after slaying the dragon!. I actually threw out the rest of my weed brownies two days ago i started getting my sense of smell back real strong and the smell of them bothered me. Maybe it had something to do with early withdrawals not wanting to see them anymore also i made them too strong actually tripped a little on em first days wd. I have also stopped lyrica completely lyrica is a godsend for withdrawals!!! BTW im with ya on scripts only one i want is for blood pressure but with weed im making up for lost time with not letting go of weed anytime soon besides it inspires my creativeness. So happy to hear your doin good!

TLD
 
Wow!! It's really cool reading your recovery journal, even as I'm currently writing mine from day 3. Helps me feel less alone and more hopeful. Thank you for sharing this. :)
 
Hey -- can you tell me, at what day did it get better? And what did you do after that to make sure you didn't crave to temptation?

I know from previous times "getting clean" that after about a week I usually feel better--but then I think, "It'll be okay to just take one pill now. That won't send me back into withdrawal."

And, of course, one pill does not "re-addict me" or send me back into withdrawal. But, you know, if I take one pill safely, of course I can take two. Then three. And then I have a stressful day at work, so I deserve just one more dose. And then tomorrow is a 12 hour day and that big TV interview, I better take just a few more. And before you know it, I'm hooked again. :\
 
WriterG -

I guess it depends on what you mean by "better?" If you mean physically, I'm thinking about day 10ish for me (but I also used Kratom for the first 5 so it took me a bit longer than most). If you mean mentally, I still have rough days.

As as far as cravings, I don't necessarily have cravings to get high. More like cravings to "take a break." A mental break where I can forget about my problems.

Hope that helps! Keep on going, it will get better.

- VE
 
Thanks so much, VE! :) Reading your journal is helping me immensely with mine.

That's also how I enjoy(ed) my pills. I don't care so much about "being high" as I do about "shutting things out." Just calm down my busy life, hush my anxiety for a while, and numb all that manic energy that tells me I'm not living up to everything I'm supposed to be.
 
...I'm alive!

A quick update - I've been busy with work. That's nothing new. But my personal life has taken a turn for the...more complicated, I guess would be the best way to describe it.

Without the opiates, it turns out that I'm not very happy with my home life and I need to make some changes. I think I've known this for awhile, I just wasn't in a place to deal with it until now. If I'm being honest, it's the last thing I want to deal with, but the first thing I need to deal with. There is no quick fix, but I am actively taking steps to improve the situation, but it will take awhile. That's been keeping me busy/emotionally drained.

Other than that, I think I'm ok. I'll update more later.

- VE
 
VE: Thank you for the update. I apologize for my rudeness to you in the past. I was in the depths of my addiction. My daughter did have her baby very recently... was my catalyst to finally working hard to get clean. I have done a rapid taper/jump off and now am on day 4 of being clean off of oxymorphone and 40 hours off of all opiates... what a brutal experience! It is going on three weeks now. Nothing but respect for you for going through this process. I wish you nothing but the best as you resolve you home life issues. You have such an innate sense of positivity that I am confident it will serve you well.
 
Thinking of you lots VE. Glad to hear you're doing well and I hope you get things sorted quickly, and get back to the place we call happiness.

How long are you clean now?
 
VE, glad to hear your doing ok im dealing with similiar emotional bs. My job of 15 years will be ending by end of March and dam nerve pain in my feet has been kickin my ass.
I guess nothing is easy sometimes i get the feeling though after what ive been through how about a dam break!. But fortunately my cravings are more for lyrica now than ops which i do one or two times a week on my worse nerve pain days. Keep rocking girl you were my first inspiration on bl and i appreciate the help and support you gave me during my ween and wds. TLD


Poke im happy to hear from ya keep going sista you got this ive been thinking about you! best TLD
 
VE--I'm so glad to see your post! Sorry, of course, to hear about the complications at home. But it sounds like maybe they're at least the kinds of complications you can do something about? Doesn't make them easy, though.

Keep us in the loop!
<3
Sim
 
Thanks for the replies!

I count my quit date as September 26th - but I've had a few lapses due to acute pain. I think those lapses are actually hurting in terms of my PAWS, but at least it keeps me sane at the time I'm in the acute pain. The way I say it is "I've been off opiates for 4 months, with the exception of a number of occasions." It's kinda cheating to count even though I've had opiates, but screw it, it's my count anyway.

As for the home life changes, it's certainly not fun, but it's time. It's amazing what wiping away the cobwebs will do...it's like waking up and looking around and thinking, why didn't I see this before?

TLD - I'm sorry to hear about your job ending in March. I remember that was one of the reasons you wanted to quit, because you knew you were going to be job hunting - am I remembering that correctly? Do you plan to take any time off just to relax and draw unemployment?

Six and Sim - I'm so glad you guys are still plowing along with me. I might not post often, but I think about you guys daily.

I plan to start creating more boundaries at work and working less overall. I can't keep this pace up. Sometimes I wonder if I could do the work easier on the opiates or if I'm just busier now than I was before. It's hard to quantify really. I know it takes me more time to accomplish the same tasks, but only marginally more. So it's probably a combination of both. In any case, VE is about to set some f'in boundaries at home and at work!!

PAWS is still more of a struggle than I feel it should be, but I'm sure that has a lot to do with my occasional use of the pain meds. I certainly never had the "ah ha! I feel better!" - I still feel fairly ragged and rough, but I'm alive and my mind and body are healthier. (I just keep telling myself that!)

Keep fighting, guys. We are the strongest motherfuckers I know!

- VE
 
VE, I plan on taking atleast a couple months off before looking for work maybe towards the end of summer i'll start. Im also a little ragged and rough alot has to do with nerve pain with my feet but still im not near a 100% yet. Late in the day i dont have much energy my sleeping patterns have changed like everything else, i fall asleep much earlier at night. Crazy shit i never see it coming now i just pass out. Which sucks because if i fall asleep at 10pm im up at 2 or 3am and dont fall back asleep. I use to think it was bs when i read about paws can take up to a year to fully pass but now at 3 months im starting to believe it, but really what did i expect after over 20 years on ops!. Hell yes the fight will continue! theres no turning back now!!! TLD
 
Tld, my sleep patterns are the exact same. I feel bad cause I don't go to bed with my lady now. I need to stay up until 1-2 before I consider bed. And I'm still up by 5.
 
Sixxam said:
Tld, my sleep patterns are the exact same. I feel bad cause I don't go to bed with my lady now. I need to stay up until 1-2 before I consider bed. And I'm still up by 5.
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Sixx i used to do my last dose of ops a day at midnight everynite then i would sleep like a rock till 6am every morning, i liked to wake up and shower not hurting. Now im lucky if i make it to midnight i just cant stay awake anymore im exhausted at night but still cant sleep more than 4 hours in a row. I slept on my back my whole life now when i wake after a couple hours sleeping on my back i go to a side to sleep i usually get an extra hour or so on my side. Crazy shit how many things change after ops!.
 
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Hey, VE...I was so happy to see your post and to know you're doing well!

First, you're absolutely right that your clean date is YOURS. Just like you, I count my recovery as starting on Oct 21, 2016, though I did have one slip since then. After a lot of thought, I elected to learn from the lapse and then put it behind me.

I think it's actually a pretty good sign that you can use narcotic pain meds responsibly. That strikes me as a huge sign of stability in your recovery...obviously not everyone could have those pills around and not dive into them. Are they aggravating PAWS? I'm no expert on this, so I can't really say. I suppose it depends on how often you're using them, what they are specifically, and how much you use at a time. But it seems unlikely to me that they would set you back much. FWIW, even without any recent opiate use some PAWS symptoms still have my number, four months into the thick of things.

Lastly, I think it's fucking awesome that you're drawing some new boundaries. Sounds like a very healthy thing to do.

Sending you all my best!
<3
Sim
 
good for u it sure is hard I'm on day 3 of a 120 mg habit if oxys for 5 years. I read a lot about gabapentin helping with withdrawal and it really does work. I wish you the best! Here for you ?

Today I'm at day 1. I'm actually going into day 2 in about five minutes. I tend to count in hours until the 72 hour mark or so (so I'm at 24hrs now!) anyway, it's day 1 and I feel like shit.

This is my third serious quit attempt in the last 12 months. Somehow this one feels harder already. Maybe that's the day-1-blues talking.

Ill check in often over the next few days. I'm feeling awfully fuzzy and incoherent...hopefully that clears up soon.

- VE[/QUOTE]
 
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