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My last Day 1 (Recovery Journal)

Congrats! That's a huge accomplishment.

I think that there are definitely some road blocks I can think up of. Right now, there are none apart from being broke. I am also still on a maintenance dose as I am tapering. 20mg oxy every 12 hours, but it's in a form that is pretty much non-abusable to me and from a doctor who would never give me anything else for chronic pain. I don't want to drop the dose until I learn to deal with sober life (I very much feel sober now, compared to before).

I get intense cravings for high-dose oxycontin pills (we still have 6 types of generics in Canada that produce 40's and 80's), heroin, and dilaudid. The problem yesterday was that I stupidly had dilaudid pills laying around. Did my absolute best, fucking could not get rid of them. Fuck. So, I definitely should not have anything like that laying around the house! Soooooo stupid.

It still takes a lot of effort for me to get those other pills I like to abuse, not like yesterday where I just had to reach in a bottle for them. Hopefully that acts as enough of a deterrent, although I doubt it would. Roadblocks. Barricades. Great big concrete walls. Time to imprison myself.
 
Congratulations on 50 days!!! That is amazing. I have read through the most recent posts from you, and I admire your strength, both mental and physical. I return to a very physically demanding job tomorrow, after being gone 16 days to detox off a heavy ish kratom addiction, and your recent posts give me motivation.
And as for weed it is possible that is contributing to the overall "blah" feeling. It has helped my appetite and anxiety at certain points - but it can also do the exact opposite sometimes for some reason, it's weird.
You're doing great, keep it up :)
 
congrats on 51 days VE i hope your energy and appt starts coming back soon i actually worry about the same problem even worse possibly coming my way soon being ive been on a marathon high dose oxy run for almost 2 decades. I researched this problem heavily and theres a med they give some pilots to stay awake its called Modafinil ive read many exaples of it being used for paws i might ask my doc for it during paws if my energy is not returning to use sparingly and only if its hopeless. best of luck VE
 
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Hi guys. Im putting this message on both threads I'm on so sorry if u read it twice? Day 39 clean. !!!! Longest I've gone ever without the oxys. I know I haven't posted in while but been busy doing all things I didn't do while on oxys. Plus had to build a few bridges with family , friends. As on oxys I just cudnt be arsed as we say in UK to go see people.
Anyway. I've had bad days I'll be honest. Days when I'm so down and days where I have thought. Just one more won't hurt me and been so close to ringing people but I haven't. As I remember that it got to point after so many yrs I was just taking them to be normal. And so I try and think no point in going back now I come this far. I also told my mum and daughter at last. And they along with partner been great. My mum knew I had problem but like she said if she said anything I wud have just denied it. And I wud have.
So on I go. Trying to live without it seems something I've hold on to for so long. At times I had shocking anxiety I also wasn't sleeping and when I went to see doc he gave me diazepam which kinda made me think good job I not into benzodiazepines!! I've only had one after I cudnt sleep for three days. I was just dropping of for ten mins at time. And it got better after about four to five days. As normal I'm rambling.
I hope you good VE. And I hope everyone else is.
Toothpaste I hope you see this as need bit of advice. I still taking the lyrica. I take 450mg at start of day. My day starts at 5am I'll add due to work. And then just 150 about 7pm what's highest dose I can go up to ? Looking at staright doctor sites they say just 600mg in total but I have tons of these. So if for while it ok to go up a bit I can. Any advice on this I'd be grateful. Thanks.
So to finish I'm just trying to get through each day. I won't go back its just trying to deal with what I find myself coming across each day what ever that may be. Anxiety, depression,Thoughts of wanting them ,
work and family helps and I know I'm going to do this. Take care ppl x
 
Sorry toothpaste just seen this from you ((((((( Try and stay at or below 900mg per day is what I've seen recommended. I believe 300mg is the maximum suggested dose to take at any one time, though I have taken up to 1,200mg at once before and god knows how much over the course of the entire day trying to catch a buzz. For your purposes though this is a huge waste. 300mg at a time three to four times a day should be the maximum you'd need, probably less. If you have a history of seizures try and stay as low as possible because at the higher doses seizures may present.))))
so ignore that question. Maybe I was in daze when u posted that last time lol. Sorry again.
 
Congrats, Sammy. 39 days is awesome by any measure... but it's super exciting that you're now in uncharted territory in terms of your recovery. You're doing so well!
Sim
 
Samiam40 said:
Sorry toothpaste just seen this from you ((((((( Try and stay at or below 900mg per day is what I've seen recommended. I believe 300mg is the maximum suggested dose to take at any one time, though I have taken up to 1,200mg at once before and god knows how much over the course of the entire day trying to catch a buzz. For your purposes though this is a huge waste. 300mg at a time three to four times a day should be the maximum you'd need, probably less. If you have a history of seizures try and stay as low as possible because at the higher doses seizures may present.))))
so ignore that question. Maybe I was in daze when u posted that last time lol. Sorry again.
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What are you referring to? Sorry, I am easily confused.
 
Sorry. If you read my first post today I asked you about lyrica what I could go up to. Then I seen you had already posted this in the other thread. So it answered my question.
Thanks sim.
 
Some days if I'm honest simco. I shit myself what I'm going to do each day now I don't have oxy. That's how much it controlled my life. Which is bad I know. But now it's just getting through each day. But I'll do it. Work helps. And now I got so many hobbies it's untrue. I always been crafty but now my whole family got hats and scarfs loll. I've don't glassware which is and was always my first hobbie. And it's selling again. I stopped doing everything when on oxy. So yeah. I'll just keep going on
im sorry I don't know how to put persons comment in my post. So people know who I'm answering.
 
Sam, congratulations! 39 days is so awesome. I know how hard it is to get there.

today is about day 55 for me. I'm feeling fairly well physically, but work is killing me. It's been soooo busy since I got back in October. I can't catch a break and everyone appears to have gone batshit crazy. I'm having a hard time differentiating between if it's all them or partially me that's gone crazy. It can't be all me...

My cravings are worse than they have been previously and that sucks, but as mentioned, I don't have easy access so I'm safe for now. I think it's because I'm not taking great care of myself - working too much, not sleeping enough, not eating enough, not exercising cause I'm too busy, etc.

I am so proud of all of us for persevering through this godawful mess of chemical dependency. It's not easy to not give in.

- VE
 
Congrats on being able to work sober and I understand why your cravings might be worse. My chronic pain becomes extreme whenever I have to be somewhere for at least 8 hours a day... and with all the added stress, in the past I have a history of working to spend all my money on heroin so that I can make it in to work and function. That never ends well. I have never been able to function in the workplace at all though without using heroin, it is going to be a huge problem in my recovery and right now I don't see any ways around it because of my chronic spinal pain. I don't really think I could work without opiates, so that is impressive you are doing it. Even if nothing whatsoever is wrong, let alone this type of withdrawal process, it is very hard to keep up a healthy lifestyle while working, which would make recovery more difficult.
 
Damn, VE, 55 days... you are doing SO well!

Sounds like several of us are feeling the cravings and associated early-recovery grossness these days. It's very motivating for me to watch how well you're navigating the challenges.
 
VastEmpty said:
Sam, congratulations! 39 days is so awesome. I know how hard it is to get there.

today is about day 55 for me. I'm feeling fairly well physically, but work is killing me. It's been soooo busy since I got back in October. I can't catch a break and everyone appears to have gone batshit crazy. I'm having a hard time differentiating between if it's all them or partially me that's gone crazy. It can't be all me...

My cravings are worse than they have been previously and that sucks, but as mentioned, I don't have easy access so I'm safe for now. I think it's because I'm not taking great care of myself - working too much, not sleeping enough, not eating enough, not exercising cause I'm too busy, etc.

I am so proud of all of us for persevering through this godawful mess of chemical dependency. It's not easy to not give in.

- VE
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Gongrats VE on how far you have come . Like you say we both know and others do how hard it is. Day 40 for me. And I soooo know today what u mean by cravings being worse later on for some reason? That friend I first told u about as gone of at me. Saying it's my fault he down on his money and that he has come used to money each month and lives by it now !!! I was like are u for real ?? So anyway he as fell out with me. Which in way is good as few times I wanted to get some but won't as come so far plus it just made me normal anyway.
Right I'll stop rambling. I'm glad you good as can be VE. Take care my friend. And we can do this
 
Hey guys...

I am so glad I have you guys for support. I need some now and have no one to turn to here that understands like you all do.

On Tuesday of this week I had a horrible flare-up of my autoimmune condition - without giving anyone TMI, it randomly happens about twice a year that a flare-up is inevitable. So one happened on Tuesday and they last about 5-7 days. I was in sooooo much pain that I took 7.5 milligrams of oxy. Wednesday I took 15 mgs total throughout the day and today 15 again. I'm so terrified of what this will do to my progress.

I know you guys are thinking "you have chronic pain, didn't you plan for this?" Yes! I have pain every day and I've taken steps to reduce that pain and deal with it in natural ways and with OTC painkillers (usually ibuprofen). I knew the flare ups would come eventually, but I thought after the pain of wds, I could deal with any pain for 5-7 days...I thought wrong. I'm just so confused about what this means for my progress thus far. Do I start counting over? I don't want to. I fought like hell for my two months and I don't want to lose it. I'm afraid I may need to take more tomorrow (as little as possible!) - could this put me back into wds? I wouldn't take any more than I had to. After tomorrow, the worst of the pain should be passed. And I'll have the weekend to recover if I do get wds...

I just feel like absolute shit. I'm in pain, I feel exhausted and just dull from the opiates I have taken. Nothing about this is good and I am so confused about it all. I know what I need to do, which is just take it one day at a time and as little amounts as possible and then get right back on the trail. But I have no idea how to feel about it. I don't even know if that makes sense. Sorry for the rambling.

Love or advice would be appreciated.

- VE
 
VastEmpty said:
Hey guys...

I am so glad I have you guys for support. I need some now and have no one to turn to here that understands like you all do.

On Tuesday of this week I had a horrible flare-up of my autoimmune condition - without giving anyone TMI, it randomly happens about twice a year that a flare-up is inevitable. So one happened on Tuesday and they last about 5-7 days. I was in sooooo much pain that I took 7.5 milligrams of oxy. Wednesday I took 15 mgs total throughout the day and today 15 again. I'm so terrified of what this will do to my progress.

I know you guys are thinking "you have chronic pain, didn't you plan for this?" Yes! I have pain every day and I've taken steps to reduce that pain and deal with it in natural ways and with OTC painkillers (usually ibuprofen). I knew the flare ups would come eventually, but I thought after the pain of wds, I could deal with any pain for 5-7 days...I thought wrong. I'm just so confused about what this means for my progress thus far. Do I start counting over? I don't want to. I fought like hell for my two months and I don't want to lose it. I'm afraid I may need to take more tomorrow (as little as possible!) - could this put me back into wds? I wouldn't take any more than I had to. After tomorrow, the worst of the pain should be passed. And I'll have the weekend to recover if I do get wds...

I just feel like absolute shit. I'm in pain, I feel exhausted and just dull from the opiates I have taken. Nothing about this is good and I am so confused about it all. I know what I need to do, which is just take it one day at a time and as little amounts as possible and then get right back on the trail. But I have no idea how to feel about it. I don't even know if that makes sense. Sorry for the rambling.

Love or advice would be appreciated.

- VE
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Hi VE, From the hundreds of threads ive read I think after stopping for two months then doing that much mgs oxy in a three or four day use would not put you in bad withdrawals. Actually most had very minor withdrawals but you know for sure what a week or two will do. Best of luck VE with the pain maybe you could talk to your doc about another med for help guess its easy for me to say that but from my long research internet hours -(too many) it should be mild at this point if stopped. Best
 
VastEmpty said:
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I'm just so confused about what this means for my progress thus far. Do I start counting over? I don't want to. I fought like hell for my two months and I don't want to lose it.
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Yeah, moments like these are one of the big down sides of counting clean time. FWIW, I think it's helpful to remember that the real goal is long-term change, not perfection at any given moment (I think @herbavore said exactly this in another thread this week). Nobody and nothing can take away the two months clean you have. Just think how much improvement you've made! I hope you won't treat yourself too harshly over this...this kind of shit happens during recovery. The most important thing is to keep your focus and motivation.

VastEmpty said:
...
Love or advice would be appreciated.
...
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Lots of love!
 
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You took them for pain, not to get high. I have extreme pain in my mid-spine that decimated my whole entire life, I cannot even walk without a low dose of oxycodone in my system, I simply have no quality of life at all, and I consider myself clean when I take my low dose of ER meds as prescribed 12 hours apart. Since my quality of life is only improved in that case, compared to laying on a heating pad bedridden day after day in excruciating pain unable to focus so much on reading a book, I am able to move around a bit and function somewhat and I do not get high from it. It just keeps me from wishing I was dead from the back pain. It is simply not the same as railing lines of heroin from morning until night to make myself numb, energized, and euphoric.

I like to differentiate between sober living, and living with quality of life in this case. After my extreme injury, my natural pain system is unable to cope with the agony to the extent that after a couple of years before I started on opiates I became severely mentally ill in other respects as my life completely fell apart before my eyes. Hell... even on a really rough day in terms of pain, I take a couple percocet I don't give a fuck because I understand why. I was in too much pain to handle it. I had a serious accident years ago and life can't be perfect. This is the only treatment I have found that actually helps, after 4 years of trying. It's when I start sniffing that shit first thing in the morning. Fiending it all day, obsessing over it, spending every last dollar on it, sourcing drugs from dealers who have stronger shit, ruining my life to be numb, living in denial, manipulating loved ones. Moving onto heroin due to tolerance and becoming obsessed with fiending lines and doing everything I can not to run out. I personally think that a lot of this is all in your head, not to downplay it, and that it will be easy to overcome considering what you've already been through.

You are associating what happened with your addiction to them for energy and euphoria, I'm assuming anyway (that's why I like them way too much), like it was a slip-up. I personally think that you took them as they were intended and produced to be taken... to relieve pain, but now it is messing with you emotionally because of your past. Just remember that these things are not just taken for euphoria, they have other uses too. Unfortunately (from your perspective), you felt it was necessary to take them, and it probably was. Pain can certainly be too much to handle. It probably would have been easier to deal with even if it was a different opiate than your habit was, like morphine or something. Sucks that it had to be the same one, but I wouldn't dwell on it. I seriously think everything happens for a reason.

I would just move onwards, try to forget about it, and not start counting over at all. Starting to count over would be the wrong choice because you still sound committed to me. Starting over your count would put less distance between you and the abuse which would be really unfair, and encourage a relapse. It's not like you had cravings to use and then got really high. Just don't use it as an excuse to go with it and starting popping them like crazy. So long as you don't take them again, or take them to get high, I don't see the problem here except to avoid it next time as you can't handle it emotionally. You'll feel better soon. I am sorry that this had to happen to you, but you are having the right emotional response: distress that you could relapse. Just make sure that you don't. I wouldn't take any more if you can handle the pain. Don't get caught up in your feelings and start popping pills like crazy... that is the main thing here. I'm sure you know that.

You need a hug! You are sure as hell stronger than me for making it this far.
 
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LD -

You were right - I felt no wds after the three days of use. I didn't need any yesterday, so I ended up just taking what I mentioned in my last post. A total of 37.5 mgs over three days. That's less than 50% of my average daily use prior to quitting. It could have been worse. And I avoided any wds from it, which I was worried about.

i read on your thread that you are done with yours today, or was it yesterday? Either way, congrats on finally making the jump! I'm so excited to read about your journey. You won't regret your decision!

Simco -

You were also right, you and herby, about it being long term change and I am absolutely making long term changes. I just have to keep my eye on the goal. I'm just so easily discouraged with the PAWS. If I felt 100% and had a mishap like this, I have to assume that I would be ok. But I'm so mentally and (to a certain degree) physically exhausted. Now I'm trying to tackle quitting smoking. I'm almost at the 48 hour mark, which is good I guess. But it's a fight. I'm kinda tired of fighting. After the tabacco, I have at least one more substance to kick out of my life.

Thanks for the love, Simco, it's much appreciated! I'm doing much better today.

Shroomy -

Thanks for the reality check. I have chronic pain like you, but thank god mine gets better/worse so daily use isn't my only option (maybe as I get older, but for now, it's tolerable). Instead of whining, I should be happy that I was off of them for two months before the pain getting the best of me. If I have to use 37.5 mgs every two months spread out over a few days, then I'll be infinitely better off than I was before and will be thankful for that.

Thanks again guys!

- VE
 
VE, Yes i knew you would be ok thats not enough oxy after couple months off to give you withdrawals, Made my night to just see your ok and stopped oxy, now i know i gotta get rid of all the oxy in my house soon but right now i have 0 cravings. I quit smoking 19 years on my first try i took something called Zyban gave me crazy nitemares but worked well not sure if it was me or zyban you just have to put it in your head no more, i dont envy you tho quitting smoking this soon after stopping ops gotta be a struggle. Best VE
 
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