My intention is to be honest. In a workshop, somebody recently criticized my non-fiction as arrogant. My response was, "I am arrogant. To pretend otherwise, would be a lie." Everybody liked what I had written. I think I can draft it until it's publishable. Yet, they thought the narrator, me, had to be likable. Like I had to present myself in a certain way. As if I was selling a fucking car or something.
Writing the truth is difficult when you're writing about your own denial. I am writing about addiction. Addiction is denial. I must not allow the writer to interfere with the subject. I have to know and not know simultaneously. Psychosis helps. The delusion is self-induced, so it can be turned on and off at will. I'm used to manipulating my psyche. I believe I am immortal, when I need to.
So, you are an immortal superhero immune to the demonstrated harm with continuous meth binging? Yeah you and every other tweaker
Right. I am writing about being meth, and the immortal superhero is part of that world. I could write clinical trip reports, like people do:
+1:00 mild cevs, heart rate increased
+1:30 nearing peak, strong cevs, mild oevs
But I don't see the point. I'm trying to be honest about drugs. Not so much because I think it serves a function in terms of harm reduction - though, I'm sure it does - rather, because I have an obsessive need to find truth. To be honest. To confess.
"I am immortal," is part of my confession.
If you read it and conclude that the tweaker is deranged. If my description of meth addiction does not inspire you to smoke a rock, then mission accomplished. Because you should not. Nobody should ever shoot meth. It's incredibly destructive. And it's way too good. I don't like meth any other way now. There's no going back.
A lot of drug forums don't expose the harsh realities of extreme hard-drug use. You read trip reports, and other comments, like "Did a gram of meth in 24 hours. Fucking crazy night," or - more critically - "I used to slam heroin. Glad I stopped."
These words. They don't discourage people. Young drug users come onto these forums and glance around. If they read the wrong posts, they might conclude that meth is okay. Or heroin. They might think it's cool. I make no effort to make the junky cool. My confessions are sad and depraved, intentionally. I am totally comfortable with junk. I am not ashamed to be a hypocrite. Whatever you say to me, I already know it. I have not repressed anything about myself, permanently.
I switch back and forth between junky and documentary maker. I have to do this, because I am a writer. Trip reports are a great way to exercise honesty. To push the boundaries of shame. What I'm willing to admit about myself.
I like being told that I'm arrogant and that I'm a hypocrite. Because the writer needs to know.
The junky, on the other hand, he ain't listening. And he never will.