(Methamphetamine [IV/oral]) Junky Fiend - 262,992 Hours: Diagnosis; and, Thrombosis

[pofacedhoe]

Anyway if you can handle the withdrawls prove it.

basically amphetamines are pretty much the worst thing for your mind body and soul. they really dont improve a person

 

[ForEverAfter]

Anyone is capable of withdrawl.

Yes everyone is capable. The problem is, a lot of people don't believe they are capable. They think that withdrawal will be too hard, for whatever reason, so they continue to use.

meth withdrawl isn't very serious compared to the drugs a lot of people have to withdraw from.

Withdrawing from a prolonged IV meth binge is more difficult than withdrawing from most drugs. Personally, I think it is comparable to opiates, in terms of difficulty... I am capable of withdrawing from anything, including non-drug behavioral addictions. I can and have, many times, completely restructured my lifestyle. My diet, my drug use, my daily routine: every trait of my lifestyle is interchangeable. When I said I'm capable of withdrawal, what I meant was: I am capable of anything.

People don't continue using drugs that are seriously damaging their minds and bodies (and they are aware of the situation) because they are afraid of withdrawl.

I don't see the point in making blanket statements like this. Lots of people have trouble with withdrawal symptoms. And, lots of people are afraid of withdrawal. The addictive properties of heroin are constantly reinforced by concerned anti-drug activists. This causes an unrealistic level of fear to exist in the mind of new users. They are afraid of trying to quit, because they believe that it is virtually impossible to do so. The same can be said for withdrawal symptoms. You see Renton in Trainspotting sweating and screaming bloody murder as a dead baby crawls across his ceiling and you think "Fuck, I could never go through that!" Then you get into smack, and you're scared of getting out.

People continue to use in this state because they are unwilling to make serious life choices and changes to make it past the hump and find out -- once they have been clean for a little while -- exactly how fucked up it was that they were doing to themselves and how much better life can be.

Sure, some people. However, I wasn't in denial at any point. There is no pending realization. The realization of "how fucked up I was" existed concurrently alongside "how fucked up I was". Heroin tends to lend itself more towards denial than meth. I strive to be honest with myself, regardless. I am the opposite of an escapist. I insist upon moving myself from the so called prison of reality into the windowless ultra-reality of an isolation cell.

Please don't expect to write a trip report in record setting length detailing your patterns of extremely dangerous methamphetamine use and expect fellow Bluelighters to simply ignore the warning signs that you seem to be ignoring yourself.

What am I ignoring? I could quote you dozens of passages from this two-part report that state how dangerous and irresponsible my actions were. I haven't ignored any warning signs.

I’ve been surfing this fine line between using as much as humanly possible without collapsing my veins.

At the start, before I developed thrombosis, I was shooting up 4 times a day. My use and the increasing amount of damage sustained by my veins are inversely proportional. In the end, I was down to less than 1 shot per 24 hour period. Clearly I was not ignoring the consequence of my drug use. Ignoring is the wrong word.

I have had thrombosis many times. IVing uppers in sufficient quantities, inevitably leads to SVT. People who slam coke or speed or meth, and have done so for years, eventually grow accustomed to dealing with thrombosed veins. The paranoid thoughts had me doubting myself. I thought, maybe, it was something else. Something serious. It wasn't.

(BTW: I have, in the past, written and posted longer trip reports.)

I don't stick out my neck every time I read about somebody engaged in life threatening drug use. But in your case this seems particularly serious. As in, you need intervention right now.

No, I don't. I've worked thirteen hours over the past two days, including a fair amount of heavy lifting. Been using hirudoid cream and keeping warm. Sleeping in front of the heater every night, wearing thick woolen gloves. And, checking - frequently - on the state of my veins. Today, there is no more thrombosis. All veins remain accounted for.

I understand to someone uninitiated with thrombosis, that a red hand/arm might seem worse than it really is. I do. But, thrombosis is the least of a junkies concern. It hardly gets a mention in the Safer Injecting Guide. I have a number of books about intravenous drug use. I've read dozens of articles. I've talked to doctors. Medical attention is not required, nor is it even recommended. The only thing a doctor can do is tell you to get some blood thinners (aspirin) and anti-inflammatory drugs (aspirin/ibuprofen). These are available OTC.

I'm sure there will be other people here to respond in ways which may seem more supportive of your situation, but I think you need a serious wake up call and sometimes it takes some brutal honesty to bring about a realistic, thorough and honest self evaluation.

I'm not looking for support. I was attempting to, and demonstrably have, exercised harm reduction. My trip reports do not glorify drug use. I could have written it selectively, but that would be dishonest. I am neither dishonest with myself, or dishonest with other users. By documenting the junky, warts and all, I hope to have discouraged use. Trainspotting glorifies heroin to some extent while also demonizing it. Irvine Welsh has a habit of exaggerating the good and exaggerating the bad, in order to establish dramatic contrast. I do not do this. I am "brutally honest" with myself. This trip report is an exercise in brutal honesty.

Well, and this is brutally honest...

It sounds to me like you are suffering from amphetamine psychosis.

I wrote about amphetamine psychosis, throughout the entire (brutally honest) report!

Anyway if you can handle the withdrawls prove it.

While I have nothing to prove to myself, I'm happy to demonstrate. Part 3 is still being written. Will post it when I'm done.

amphetamines are pretty much the worst thing for your mind body and soul. they really dont improve a person

There are many drugs that are far worse to IV and, while amphetamines are highly neurotoxic, there are many drugs far worse in terms of neurotoxicity. I can give you a list, if you like... As for the psychological/spiritual impact of long term amphetamine use: personally I find alcohol, MDMA, opiates, and others, to be worse. It depends, on a case by case basis. Some people have no problems with alcohol. I find the psychological aftermath of amphetamines to be relatively mild.

I am perfectly lucid. Other than being extremely physically tired, I feel fine.

Drugs don't "improve" people. Don't fool yourself into thinking that whatever it is you take does you more good than harm.

...

If it makes you feel better, keep saying: "You need help"; "You require intervention"; "Seek professional advice; and, other variations of the same statement. I don't need help. I am in my third day of withdrawals, and the thrombosis is gone. I realize that you were all acting out of concern. And, as I said I appreciate the concern. If I'd not experienced clotting before, I would have said the same thing. Your concern was understandably uninformed. I am perfectly fine. I have no intention of using for the next two months. I do not require any form of intervention.

 

[headdah]

wooo, can't wait for part 3 bro!!!

your trip reports YO!

*takes another hit of meth from his pippy and then presses F5 continuesly for the next 8 hours or so until part 3 is uploaded and read*

Day 3 after an 18day bender and you've already gone to work twice. RESPECT!

Usually after 5day'ers i'd have to sleep like 2 whole days to recover. (but this is taking into account for my prolong'd meth usage = sleep debt = 2day powernaps)

 

[Achten]

That's an intense read !

I seriously don't know how people do this. I've have tried some amphetamines and many psychedelics (aMT, 5meodipt, ..). I have also been awake for 3days max but with that much extra stress on the body ? Not much food, no hydration, .. it's insane what the human body can handle. Seriously down the rabbit hole.

 

[ForEverAfter]

I used to believe I was immortal. Every time I should have overdosed or died, the universe divided itself in two. I continue to exist in both of them. Dead, and alive. Even though I die, I live. So, from my perspective, the living me that is, I simply continue to live regardless of how reckless I am towards my health. Because the dead me has no perspective, perception doesn't split upon a decision being made. There are not too different versions of me. When it comes to death, there is me on one side and nothing on the other. So, I do not split. The living me remains constant. And I continue, despite dying an infinite number of deaths. This was the only explanation that made sense. The amount of damage I was able to sustain contradicted what I had been taught. I can survive, indefinitely, without food or sleep? Isn't the human body supposed to be vulnerable? What's going on, here? Hence, the immortal multiverse theory.

Now, I am starting to realize that the human body is not immortal; starting to realize that I have been lied to, and the dangers of drugs exaggerated. The problem with this sort of white lie appears non-existent to the non-user. Anti-drug activists, with the best of intentions, cannot begin to understand the mind of a tweaker. They could not predict the immortal multiverse theory.

Take a village elder. He tells the children not to go beyond the village limits. He says, "If you go beyond the village limits, you will instantly die." Then one day, a curious child does; and, upon not dying, they think, "What if there is no danger?" They think, "maybe I'm impervious; maybe I'm immortal." They leave the village, and travel the world. With every step, their immortality grows. Until, finally, on the other side of the continent, they leap into the mouth of a volcano.

This applies, from my experiences, to the addictive properties of heroin. Growing up, you hear ridiculous statements like: "After the first hit, you'll be hooked." Then you have the first hit, and you're not hooked. And you think, "Why the fuck should I believe anything those cunts told me?"

Personally, I don't have an issue with opiates.

Shooting meth for 29 days straight is as close as I've come to that volcanic villager dive.

Sometimes I need to remind myself that I may not be immortal... though, I will forever remain unconvinced.

 

[tentram]

wow, man. that was an awesome read. thanks for the great trip reports, keep 'em comin!

reminds me of some of the darker days when i was highly addicted to IV methamphetamine.

i read this early this morning but didn't reply until just now.

just, wow!

 

[pr0d1gy]

I am sort of at a loss for words.... Holy fucking shit....

You are clearly quite talented at writing. Your post was incredibly vivid and to be honest, was one of the most shocking things I have ever read. I've used prescribed stimulants all through college and continue to use them now in grad school, so I can empathize with your situation on a to a very small degree. I really enjoyed reading this, but it is almost hard to imagine that this is something you experienced first hand. I hope that you don't associate academic success with your meth use. Based on your post, I really think you are an amazing writer. I also hope that you don't hold the illusion that you can only do good work by using meth.

I hope that things work out well for you.

 

[Bearlove]

I am sort of at a loss for words.... Holy fucking shit...

Yup pretty much sums it up for me - what an amazing read, had me genuinely hooked from the start.

Stay safe

Bear

 

[shezinphx]

You are an amazing writer. You are incredibly conscious and talented. If you can think like that and operate on that level with the dirtiness of meth clouding your mind, I would imagine that if you ever did get clean, you could use your talents and be a huge asset to this world. Imagine if you didn't have drugs interfering with your thought process. What would you do with your time? I would like to know though, what your plans for the future? Do you want to get clean ever? Do you want a career, a family, happiness?

 

[headdah]

You are an amazing writer. You are incredibly conscious and talented. If you can think like that and operate on that level with the dirtiness of meth clouding your mind, I would imagine that if you ever did get clean, you could use your talents and be a huge asset to this world. Imagine if you didn't have drugs interfering with your thought process. What would you do with your time? I would like to know though, what your plans for the future? Do you want to get clean ever? Do you want a career, a family, happiness?

I disagree with you! You think meth clouds up his mind and make him a lesser brilliant mind . I think its the opposite. Meth and various drugs clearly enhances his writing and its his muse. Without substances, I don't think op can write like that!

 

[ForEverAfter]

Tortoise and the Hare, that's what it comes down to.

I don't know who wins in the end, but I suspect it's the Tortoise.

What would you do with your time [as a tortoise]?

I'd focus on unfinished manuscripts and try to get seriously published.

What would you do with your time [as a hare]?

I'd write fragments of narratives, forever leaping from one to another and never finishing anything.

...your plans for the future?

1. Get published.
2. Move to a third world country.
3. Live like a king.

Do you want to get clean ever?

I'm clean now.

Do you want a career, a family, happiness?

No; Yes; I don't believe in the pursuit of happiness.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

You spent two years thinking you were going to die of HIV... and you never thought gee maybe I should get an HIV test? Did you avoid getting tested out of fear you would get a positive result? I'm just seriously confused about that.

I haven't read your whole post but you don't mention getting tested or not. I searched for the word "test" and I only saw it within the word "detest".

If you are concerned about your thumb/hands, or general circulation, you need to see a doctor now. Don't wait until it is an emergency situation.

 

[ForEverAfter]

I get tested on a regular basis, regardless of whether not I've been sexually active. It's gotten to a point that doctors refuse to give me tests, if I'm honest with them about my sex life. I get tested at least four times a year. Twice in the past three months.

 

[NeighborhoodThreat]

C.H was also mentioning your circulation issues. Have those all resolved as well?

 

[ForEverAfter]

I've worked thirteen hours over the past two days, including a fair amount of heavy lifting. Been using hirudoid cream and keeping warm. Sleeping in front of the heater every night, wearing thick woolen gloves. And, checking - frequently - on the state of my veins. Today, there is no more thrombosis. All veins remain accounted for.

...

 

[NeighborhoodThreat]

Glad to hear it man.

So no more methamphetamine for FEA?

 

[ForEverAfter]

Why would you say that?

 

[Bagseed]

^ because it obviously fucks you up very hard? people here are concerned, and you should be too, imo.

 

[ForEverAfter]

I lost one vein in 13 years.

Meh.

 

[NeighborhoodThreat]

After reading your report I was under the impression that were going to quit after this mega-binge, right?

In the end its your body and your choice to make, we're just worried about you man