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  • Trip Reports Moderator: Xorkoth

(Methamphetamine [IV/oral]) Junky Fiend - 262,992 Hours: Diagnosis; and, Thrombosis

You're not going to listen to me but please stop using meth, get into NA/CMA or some sort of treatment, and get yourself checked out by a doctor or medical professional.
 
So funny how people can overlook human suffering but when a cat might have fleas...watch out! =D

Totally kidding btw. Actually, I'm the same way. Just think it's funny how serious we internet people are about our kitters.

Nice trip report, OP.
 
I thoroughly enjoyed you read, very well written. Your binges sound like very drawn out and intense experiences.
I noticed you never talk about friends during your writings, only an ex-wife. Any history you feel like writing about friends would be appreciative.

You negate every 'seek help' comment in this thread, I find that interesting. Obviously we can not judge your life experience discuss your present activities because we are not you. But do you find yourself, looking at your veins and health that with age and time your body can not cope like it use to? If this is the worst you've seen your veins, then do you think in the future as you get older your veins will not be able to take as much damage?

You have a brilliant talent of writing, and you sound like you have enough experience in life to write some amazing stories about drugs bomges, but i would love to hear a novel of a recovering addict who overcome his ego and started a potato farm.
 
I'll be posting the continuation of this report in the next week or so. It's in pieces at the moment. I've been extremely busy with work and university.

As for why my trip reports are solitary, I didn't have any friends. I did, really, but I have ignored them for a long time. I never socialized. Never had anyone over to my house. Never went to parties. Never dated. Not since my divorce. When I lost my wife, I convinced myself that I didn't need anyone. I tried to convince myself that I didn't need sex, either. Because you can't have sex without people. And the thought of being close to someone was unbearable.

I had one of the worst divorces in human history. I realize that's a big statement, but it's true. It could not have been worse. It was an absolute nightmare. When my wife got sectioned, I had to be strong for her. Visiting her in the psych ward was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. This beautiful woman, so full of life when she met me, reduced to a fucking lunatic. The love of my life, a zombie: living; dead. I repressed all the pain I felt. Sacrificed my true emotional state, in order to ensure that she recovered as quickly as possible. I found a strength that I never would have believed. The price was numbness. I turned myself off. And I got nothing in return. She left me. Her parents stole her from me. I was still numb when she left. Rather than switching myself back on, I remained like that for two years. Indifferent towards myself. Emotionless. At the time, it seemed like a better option than feeling. All the pain I had repressed, on top of the pain of our separation, it was too much. At first, I thought I'd get her back. I told myself that the numbness was temporary. That I just had to wait until we reconciled, and then I could allow myself to be a person again. Rather than a shell. Two and half years have passed, now. I haven't spoken to her for a year. She's not coming back. Funny thing is when I switched back on, I didn't feel the pain. I never felt it. My heartache. The pain of my divorce. I bypassed by sustaining my emotional coma. I think, maybe, that was the plan all along. I never really believed she would come back. I wasn't waiting for her. I was waiting for time to erase her. Now that it has, I'm starting to socialize again. I'm not shut off from people anymore. I've stopped ignoring my friends. One of these days, I might even ask a girl out on a date.

I have been alone long enough.

Though, I have to say, being a hermit - living independently of society - has taught me a lot. I'm a much better person than I was before. Less social anxiety. More peace. I understand myself so well now. I no longer rely on people, as so many co-dependents do. I don't need a relationship. I don't need to go out with people. Now, I do it because I want to. Without the divorce, and my period of isolation, I wouldn't be the person I am today. I'm glad I got divorced. And I'm glad I've been alone for so long. If it didn't happen this way, I don't think I ever would have cured myself of need. Exposure therapy, I guess. I've been completely alone so long that I'm no longer afraid of being alone. I know who I am, and how my brain works. After switching myself off, I spent two and a half years reading the manual. Two and a half years inside my head.

Now, life is more beautiful than ever.

But, yeah, I've got to kick the meth. I never managed to stop. The binge is no longer a binge. It is now my life. I was in serious denial when I wrote this report, and my various responses to people as they reached out to me. There's no denying it now. I have a serious problem. Though, like my divorce, I will come out of this addiction a better man. I have learnt so much from methamphetamines, far more than I could have learnt from any other drug. Being alone on uppers fast-tracked my progress. This phase of my life is complete. I don't want to take drugs by myself anymore. I want to be close to people. To be in love. Get re-married. Have kids. To live what I hesitate to call a normal life. Relatively normal, anyway. And when I manage to break this addiction, I will be free to do so.

It's been a long time, coming.

I appreciate the concern that everyone has expressed; and, I apologize if I reacted poorly. Although I denied what was said, initially, you have all helped me gradually come to the realization that I am not - in fact - immortal.

You have a brilliant talent of writing, and you sound like you have enough experience in life to write some amazing stories about drugs bomges, but i would love to hear a novel of a recovering addict who overcome his ego and started a potato farm.
Click to expand...

There are some potatoes in my fridge that have long stalky bits sticking out of them, if that helps...

(I'm writing six novels, btw, and one of them - the longest - is about meth addiction.)
 
I hope the cessation goes well for you. I've been reintroduced to meth and currently I'm having a tough time calling it quits. At first, I thought it was helping me in school and work, but after a while it seems like it does the complete opposite for me. I don't know. We'll see.
 
Fucking fantastic read, thank you. Can you suggest any writers/novels that you've drawn inspiration from or have been hugely engaged by?
 
Im already down for buying the 'meth' novel. Meth is one helluva drug after you've been an addict and fuck it's hard to stop, if I hadn't of hated it from the start and if it wasn't for my anxiety, I doubt I ever would.
 
I'm glad to hear you want to quit man, and I'm sorry about what happened to your ex-wife. Stay in touch with me because I'm writing a novel too and us writers gotta give each other good feedback. :)
 
HELL FUCK YES!!!! You just rocked it - beautiful writing and if you are sane enough to write like that my dear you are not in meth induced psychosis BUT u make non writers believe you are...BRILLIANT!
 
Hey FEA,

I am a writer as well and was wondering if you had any suggestions for other writers. As in: what have been the best practices that helped you improve and find your writing style? Did you read particularly more, did you write on a particular schedule? Did you feel like the hermitage was necessary?

Thanks in advance. I really enjoyed reading this trip report, especially since I have just recently been dabbling on and off with meth use (using 1-3 times a week with breaks in between). Part of me has begun to get the impression that there is no real meth experience without binging. I want to believe that it can be used similar to how coffee or nicotine are used, but after reading your report I feel like for intellectuals like you and myself, the road of meth always leads to the same place. What do you think? I would definitely be interested in part 3 of this report if you have it or are thinking of writing it.

Currently finishing my degree in creative writing and am almost done with a fiction novel. However, I aspire to reach the level of description, introspection, and detail you have in your writing.

All the best my fellow man. Keep on truckin and keep on loving yourself. Because at the end of the day, ourselves is all we've got. Thanks for contributing to the collective consciousness of the internet, and by extension, to my consciousness. It was a gritty but worthwhile ride.

P.S. What is your avatar from? I feel like I've seen it somewhere before but I don't know where.
 
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Fiction or not this makes for a brilliant read! Bravo!
I do believe it to be non fiction of course......
btw would someone please post a link to junk mail part 1?
 
ForEverAfter...thank you. That is a really engaging story. Kept me up till late reading. What an unusual character...it was really nice to read, whilst giving me all kinds of unusual feelings... so compelling. You took me from repulsion to laughter up and down and around...very special reading. Thank you so much for sharing your work. My english skills suck. I admire how you can write.
The obsession with vains and injecting...the way this part of the users routine dominates his thinking, his constant thinking with worry, with complications, with pain...this focus on needle size, clots, filters etc...does it really become such a 'larger-than life' part of the users thinking? I'm guessing it does, from reading your story.
I never had any exposure to injecting drugs. Your story has a discouraging effect regarding this behaviour (on me). When I was in rehab (alcohol), I befriended a guy from South oz. He told me of his meth injecting past, he said he had "golf-balls" up and down his arms...what would he have meant by this? I never really understood...
My Cat used to piss into the box I keep my socks in...hahaha...the little shit.
...anyhow...

Best wishes.
 
I believe it was Nietzsche who said something like; "if it weren't for his stomach, man might mistake himself for a god." You think you're immortal because you don't eat.

Good writing though.
 
Wow, i dont beleive ive ever read anything quite like this, you certainly are an inteligent person, but the meth binge at the extent your doing is just self destruction ! Which you will already know ..
I was shocked, suprised, amused, even horrified at times, but you know you have got a good chance of leaving this poison alone, If you want to that is ..

I realy hope your hands and arms are ok or atleast repair to a functional level, i know all about IV use myself, tho not with Meth, but Mainly Heroin, and crack, or mixed, ive also iv'ed a whole host of other substances over the past 11 yrs aswell, and everywhere ive done it has packed up, but never had any nasty problems, yes ive missed, but luckily never had open sores, absesces etc, the worst i suffer with nowadays is my hands n arms go a bit blotchy with dark purple blotches in the cold, and when laid down in bed the top of my left leg goes numb, but when i turn over i feel it going prickly as i feel it coming back to life again, and i suffer a bit in winter with feeling cold in my extremities, i think due to bad circulation.

You have great potential as a writer, and i wish you the best of luck getting your shit together, I dont know what else to say realy, tbh im still a bit shocked by reading this, and i know ill be running through all this in my mind when i go to bed aswell.

All the best man, realy hope you pull yourself through the chaos ..
 
I postponed writing the conclusion of this trip report for a long time, because I never stopped using long enough to satisfy myself that it was over. The report, itself, has been used as emotional blackmail against myself. I need to finish writing it. And I can't finish if I don't get high. Since I wrote and posted part six: I tried to kill myself; got lost briefly in the local countryside; started injecting heroin to compensate for lack of meth, and then later as a cheap alternative; got a girlfriend; went on a methadone program; and many other wonderful surprises. Planning on kicking everything, cold, by the 1st of May. I've been writing Part 3 & Parts 7 through 12. Should post it pretty soon. Two weeks, I reckon.
 
I am now going to be obsessively checking this forum multiple times daily in anticipation of the next instalments....
 
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