Bean I wish I had some magical words I could throw your way to make it all feel right but the reality of the situation is I share a lot of whats going on with you. I have been stuck in this cycle for what seems like forever at this point. I'm currently on 65 because I got kicked out my last clinic at 110 tried to, get this, switch my habit to an opiate with a shorter Half-life and then when the methadone had made its way out of my system I would "just kick" the smack and be rid of the whole cyclical nightmare. Did you follow that thinking? Hilarious in its delusion. Needless to say that plan didn't work out the way I drew it up and I just switched clinics they started me at the customary 30mg which my habit laughed off in true junky fashion but hey I knew that the kick wouldn't be easy, right? I'm thinking if I can just get my dose lower maybe I can function better, I wont feel so bad about my life, who are you trying to fool? If I can get my dose low enough maybe I can get high on a half gram Instead of the .7-.8 I'm "choking down" with minimal effect. short lived at best. Every failed drug screen here gets me a 5mg increase whether I want it or not. Now I'm up to 60. Pissed dirty on Monday so I am looking for 65 in the morning. Not sure what the point of my rant was. I guess maybe a "hey Kid, You're not alone." I have found myself on the other side of this thing too, as I'm sure you have too, and the memory of that freedom keeps me trying to move toward that place again, No matter how elusive it seems. I really need to make some sort of progress though. I just took a new job that requires me to occasionally be out of town for a couple days. I install cabinets and when we are out of town I don't have a car so guest dosing requires someone (boss) to drive me to "Where again?" He asks. "You have to have this why, again?" There is hope for us. There is a way to live free. Its just takes a lot of work to get there. Feel free to PM me. I would love someone to chat with that knows what I'm dealing with, That is dealing with it too. hopefully there will also be some good days to share with each other as well as the struggles. Im going to try and get some sleep tonight. look forward to hearing from you. I hope things take a turn for the better.
Love and Light,
Matty