drug_wench
Bluelight Crew
jspun - that 'censorship' we hav on this board is for a reason
if certain posts (in this thread PT mostly chose to remove them herself btw) cause others to b 'triggered' then we mods remove them (or the ppl themselves remove them if they feel bad about it - kudos to PT for doing so) however this '8)' stuff, no offense, but is a little disrespectful towards ppl who r trying to protect ppl like u from being triggered etc
as u dont know wat PT said earlier, who r u to judge the ppl who were angered and hurt by her earlier posts? (which i again say she did the right thing in removing)
finally......that topic was finished with on the last page and not sposed to b brought up again
i think wat u need to do is...if u cant stop thinking about meth, despite going to meetings as much as poss and having a daughter (u need to do this for her too remember!), and leading wat sounds like a full-on life with plenty to do, why dont u try going to an alcohol/drug counsellor?
ud b surprised - mine helped me come up with so many diffrent ideas to keep me clean from P
u never know wat will work till u try it
the other thing is....u say ur on ur 4th step
i got up to step 4 wen i was going to NA and it was a fucking tough one that sparked off all kinds of crazy thoughts/emotions/feelings....and, yes, cravings, in me
however wen i got past step 4 it was like a sigh of relief....esp doing step 5 and actually getting step 4 off my chest!
so think about it in this way too.....if u keep ur eyes focussed on this particularly hard goal, wen uve reached it, the cravings will most likely pass
footscrazy - u r sooo right about the pipe hun! (btw, if u can get by with no meds to help u stay clean, go for gold, but if u feel like using, my advice is go to a diffrent psych and explain how depressed u r and ur cravings for meth)
that is my problem (paraphernalia)....i cant get rid of 'bruce' (named after Bruce Dickinson - for u non-iron maiden geeks, thats their lead singer)
of course Bruce Dickinson wud not approve of the fact that i am definitely not a 'Weekend Warrior' (song about someone who uses only in the weekends, only in the actual song he's singing about how they 'aint that way anymore'......i think the songs referring to alcohol but all the same....)
but anyway, to steer off the subject of my geeky power metal obsession, 'bruce' is my rather diminutive (sadly i think of him as 'cute' and scarily i hav even appointed him a gender.....P problem?....nooooo.....8() P pipe
i threw out 'bulby', the 'MacGyver-style' (ie. 'lightbulb with bottom removed') pipe.....while 'he' (yes, again, appointed gender) was full of shards - hell i even gave up 'burnadette', who like 'bruce' was ur standard P pipe, only with a much longer stem (but she was not full of shards at the time so 'bulby' was more of an accomplishment, esp as he was my first pipe)
damn those pipes! damn 'bruce' - hes the whole reason i go, like, anywhere between a couple of days to a couple of weeks before something gets me down and i give in
i cant get rid of my IV equipment either
i havnt injected (well not P - i had a stint with morphine while i was still stabilising once again on a higher dose of methadone yesterday
) methamphetamine for months but i still keep the equipment 'just in case'
my problem is neither getting worse nor getting better
i wud go back to NA but wats the point wen all my old 'friends' there look at me like theyre going to catch a heroin/methamphetamine relapse then im not even allowed to speak at the meetings cos apparently ur not 'clean' wen ur on methadone or valium (neither of which i can just go CT on - ffs i was on benzos for epilepsy....and ive brought the dosage down considerably anyway.....and im not going to even try and get off methadone until ive bn off heroin long enough, and im finished coming painfully off valium)
some of them even consider me 'not clean' for being on antipsychotics/antidepressants
tbh i dont want to go back if ppl can b so snobbish anyway.....it was always a bit 'cliquey' and i was never one of the 'cliques'
and yes, i do want to b free to hav the odd glass of wine without getting drunk.....or the odd puff of weed to relax me wen im at parties etc (its hardly like im toking away madly all the time on my own and i despise getting drunk these days)
thats just kind of sad cos i think we need a sort-of 'in-between' version of NA over here, like perhaps 'PA' ('P' Anonymous
), where it really doesnt matter if u use other fairly harmless drugs occasionally.....the focus is staying off P, our countrys biggest problem as far as drugs go!
on the other hand i hav a new philosophy some of u others might agree with - is it such a gd idea keeping track of how long were clean, proud as it makes us feel? cos then if we fail (and lets face it that can often happen numerous times before we get it, esp with meth/amphetamines....look at me, 10 yrs and im still battling....doesnt mean i dont truly believe that oneday, somehow ill find something that works for me and ill get off it) we feel guilt/shame/etc etc etc and r more likely to keep going - ie. turn it from a simple slip to a full-blown relapse
i find it does me more harm than gd wen i count down fanatically how many days clean i am nowdays and im actually just accepting 'oh i used P.....maybe a couple of weeks ago.....dont remember the date, still clean from it, gd on me' but not getting too hung up about it if i slip again
cos shit happens
but to those who dont take on this philosophy i fully respect that too and if u r big on clean time and hav achieved....well any then give urselves a pat on the back!
sorry i havnt stopped in for awhile - i actually find it triggering sometimes talking about it
other times i find it cathartic - and i feel i need to b here for u guys first and foremost
if certain posts (in this thread PT mostly chose to remove them herself btw) cause others to b 'triggered' then we mods remove them (or the ppl themselves remove them if they feel bad about it - kudos to PT for doing so) however this '8)' stuff, no offense, but is a little disrespectful towards ppl who r trying to protect ppl like u from being triggered etc
as u dont know wat PT said earlier, who r u to judge the ppl who were angered and hurt by her earlier posts? (which i again say she did the right thing in removing)
finally......that topic was finished with on the last page and not sposed to b brought up again
i think wat u need to do is...if u cant stop thinking about meth, despite going to meetings as much as poss and having a daughter (u need to do this for her too remember!), and leading wat sounds like a full-on life with plenty to do, why dont u try going to an alcohol/drug counsellor?
ud b surprised - mine helped me come up with so many diffrent ideas to keep me clean from P
u never know wat will work till u try it
the other thing is....u say ur on ur 4th step
i got up to step 4 wen i was going to NA and it was a fucking tough one that sparked off all kinds of crazy thoughts/emotions/feelings....and, yes, cravings, in me
however wen i got past step 4 it was like a sigh of relief....esp doing step 5 and actually getting step 4 off my chest!
so think about it in this way too.....if u keep ur eyes focussed on this particularly hard goal, wen uve reached it, the cravings will most likely pass
footscrazy - u r sooo right about the pipe hun! (btw, if u can get by with no meds to help u stay clean, go for gold, but if u feel like using, my advice is go to a diffrent psych and explain how depressed u r and ur cravings for meth)
that is my problem (paraphernalia)....i cant get rid of 'bruce' (named after Bruce Dickinson - for u non-iron maiden geeks, thats their lead singer)
of course Bruce Dickinson wud not approve of the fact that i am definitely not a 'Weekend Warrior' (song about someone who uses only in the weekends, only in the actual song he's singing about how they 'aint that way anymore'......i think the songs referring to alcohol but all the same....)
but anyway, to steer off the subject of my geeky power metal obsession, 'bruce' is my rather diminutive (sadly i think of him as 'cute' and scarily i hav even appointed him a gender.....P problem?....nooooo.....8() P pipe
i threw out 'bulby', the 'MacGyver-style' (ie. 'lightbulb with bottom removed') pipe.....while 'he' (yes, again, appointed gender) was full of shards - hell i even gave up 'burnadette', who like 'bruce' was ur standard P pipe, only with a much longer stem (but she was not full of shards at the time so 'bulby' was more of an accomplishment, esp as he was my first pipe)
damn those pipes! damn 'bruce' - hes the whole reason i go, like, anywhere between a couple of days to a couple of weeks before something gets me down and i give in
i cant get rid of my IV equipment either
i havnt injected (well not P - i had a stint with morphine while i was still stabilising once again on a higher dose of methadone yesterday
) methamphetamine for months but i still keep the equipment 'just in case'my problem is neither getting worse nor getting better
i wud go back to NA but wats the point wen all my old 'friends' there look at me like theyre going to catch a heroin/methamphetamine relapse then im not even allowed to speak at the meetings cos apparently ur not 'clean' wen ur on methadone or valium (neither of which i can just go CT on - ffs i was on benzos for epilepsy....and ive brought the dosage down considerably anyway.....and im not going to even try and get off methadone until ive bn off heroin long enough, and im finished coming painfully off valium)
some of them even consider me 'not clean' for being on antipsychotics/antidepressants
tbh i dont want to go back if ppl can b so snobbish anyway.....it was always a bit 'cliquey' and i was never one of the 'cliques'
and yes, i do want to b free to hav the odd glass of wine without getting drunk.....or the odd puff of weed to relax me wen im at parties etc (its hardly like im toking away madly all the time on my own and i despise getting drunk these days)
thats just kind of sad cos i think we need a sort-of 'in-between' version of NA over here, like perhaps 'PA' ('P' Anonymous
), where it really doesnt matter if u use other fairly harmless drugs occasionally.....the focus is staying off P, our countrys biggest problem as far as drugs go!on the other hand i hav a new philosophy some of u others might agree with - is it such a gd idea keeping track of how long were clean, proud as it makes us feel? cos then if we fail (and lets face it that can often happen numerous times before we get it, esp with meth/amphetamines....look at me, 10 yrs and im still battling....doesnt mean i dont truly believe that oneday, somehow ill find something that works for me and ill get off it) we feel guilt/shame/etc etc etc and r more likely to keep going - ie. turn it from a simple slip to a full-blown relapse
i find it does me more harm than gd wen i count down fanatically how many days clean i am nowdays and im actually just accepting 'oh i used P.....maybe a couple of weeks ago.....dont remember the date, still clean from it, gd on me' but not getting too hung up about it if i slip again
cos shit happens
but to those who dont take on this philosophy i fully respect that too and if u r big on clean time and hav achieved....well any then give urselves a pat on the back!
sorry i havnt stopped in for awhile - i actually find it triggering sometimes talking about it
other times i find it cathartic - and i feel i need to b here for u guys first and foremost
Last edited:
). I think I need to get a better foundation so I am able to practice more honesty and sanity.
I want out...
