Mental Health Mental Illness Support Thread V. How do you feel?

[on.my.way🌿]

@on.my.way🌿 - cool username BTW.

So whats going on if you don't mind i ask? Anxiety i understand is quite a bitch. It passes though. What do you do for fun?

Edit: tmi + too paranoid

For fun I love to read and take care of my nearly 100 houseplants and tomatoe plants. Trying really hard to keep up with those things bc they make me happy, even though they don't right now. And you?

 

[Jabberwocky]

Holy shit i have a garbage memory @on.my.way🌿 - you definitely told me that before. I think your future self will be proud, all said and done.

I like walking, video games and smoking TBH.

 

[on.my.way🌿]

Aha, and I forgot I told you @madness00 lol

On topic:
Feeling poisoined since yesterdays gabapentin+lyrica binge ugh been feeling this the whole day. I barely felt anything yesterday so kept taking them. think i took 1200 mg lyrica and like 6000 mg gabapentin maybe they don't mix well? idk but this poison feeling can fuck right off now please I feel bad enough without it ughh

 

[Jabberwocky]

Halfway through my first day of recovery with no stimulant in me except coffee and starting to feel like I might be seriously brain-damaged. Can’t remember anything or construct any kind of a complicated thought. I can’t remember if this feeling of cognitive impairment wears off in time or not. Certainly can’t even think about starting anywork yet. Just have to enjoy the sunshine while things evolve as they will.

 

[PtahTek]

I can’t remember if this feeling of cognitive impairment wears off in time or not.

It must or maybe it just became another normal for me. It has been a few decades since heavy use but it seems the brain is doing OK with cognitive behaviours/tasks.
Great job I do hope it is not too bad a comedown. Not sure what to even suggest as benzos would probably get ya in a bigger hole unless only used as necessary.
Rootin' for ya, bro.
1

1200 mg lyrica and like 6000 mg gabapentin maybe they don't mix well?

Fucking hammered those gaba receptors hard as hell, no? lol The 6000mg gabapentin would be sufficient to feel "poisoned" IMO specially if one is not eating with it.
Which brings to topic: Are you eating with the gabas? It would really help a great deal to eat some fats (I do tablespoons of peanut-butter) as it somehow makes it more bio available. It works for me and when I wanna dose high in gabas I stagger the dosses like every hour or two with mo pntbttr.
Hope ya feeling a little better by now. 6000 mg gabap? Yuk, IME. 8(

 

[Jabberwocky]

It must or maybe it just became another normal for me. It has been a few decades since heavy use but it seems the brain is doing OK with cognitive behaviours/tasks.
Great job I do hope it is not too bad a comedown. Not sure what to even suggest as benzos would probably get ya in a bigger hole unless only used as necessary.
Rootin' for ya, bro.
1

Thanks @PtahTek. I won’t take the benzos unless it’s a real crisis. I took some of the anti-psychotic Abilify which I find really really reduces stimulant comedowns - so far I feel pretty level, almost happy in fact. Glad you hear your brain recovered!

 

[PtahTek]

Abilify

Oh, yeah. I did hear something about this. Not sure we had this back then but barbs and diazepam were a must in all toolboxes.

 

[Flynnal]

Not sure we had this back then but barbs and diazepam were a must in all toolboxes.

The sad part is that too many people died from barb O/D when all they were trying to get was a good nights sleep. Barbs disappeared and have been replaced with something even more ludicrous - Z-drugs are one class of drugs I'd never touch, I've heard too many horror stories about Zolpidem especially with regards to sleepwalking.

I'd rather be knocked out on a barb like Nembutal/Seconal/Tuinal than even consider using a Z-drug. They are supposed to be good, but really they aren't.

 

[Vastness]

Barbs disappeared and have been replaced with something even more ludicrous - Z-drugs are one class of drugs I'd never touch, I've heard too many horror stories about Zolpidem especially with regards to sleepwalking.

I'd rather be knocked out on a barb like Nembutal/Seconal/Tuinal than even consider using a Z-drug. They are supposed to be good, but really they aren't.

The dangers of z-drugs are really overblown. Like almost any class of substance that is kind of new and not understood by the general populace, it's easy to get a skewed perspective from the largely prohibitionist-leaning media who will report on really extreme examples of strange behaviour.

In reality these events represent a really tiny tiny percentage of z-drug-induced behaviours, the majority of which are far less interesting - ie, people just sleeping more soundly.

Compared to barbiturates there is really no comparison, barbiturates were a far more dangerous class which have been retired for good reason. It's next to impossible to overdose on a z-drug and although it is possible to develop unhealthy patterns of use, there have been a few reports of extreme overuse and rapid discontinuation without anything close to the physical dangers of even benzodiazepines, which are obviously very closely related and quite safe in their own right, although still not physically as safe as z-drugs are in the vast majority of people.

Even the highly unlikely extremely strange behaviours that are unfortunately associated with this class are largely confined to zolpidem as far as I am aware - probably zopiclone in some cases could cause similar behaviours but at a far lower incidence. Zopiclone and the other one, whatever it is (edit - just remembered - zaleplon!) are far less recreational and, consequently, even safer. Again, as far as an absolute danger comparison... z-drugs don't even come close to barbiturates.

 

[PtahTek]

Nembutal/Seconal/Tuinal

Properly triggered.
Got an ol' buddy (damaged marine) who is prescribed butalbital ... gonna give him a ring right now.
Peace

OT: Feeling OK... slept til noon - thanks to the 20mg diaz and 5mg flexeril. I needed it, terribly. Got some shit playing inda back of my head (that impending doom cloud) but not gonna focus on that today. Gonna focus on gettin' oil changed and some yard work done. Need to be physically active been too long.
@Atelier3
How,s it going, bruh?

 

[Vastness]

Evening all or whatever time it is in your locales, forgot to share my feels in line with the spirit of the thread earlier although at the time my feels were pretty frustrated and mopey. Right now I'm feeling OK but that's probably because I've taken 2mg etizolam to "sleep" (I think it's 2mg, actually the pills were mis-sold, pretty certain they are not what they are supposed to be but they match a previously tested fake press that tested positive for an unknown quantity of etizolam... and that's believable).

This is day 14 of my attempted 2 weeks complete abstinence from everything, but primarily my recent substances of choice which are kratom, phenibut, modafinil, sometimes a little amphetamine recently although kratom and amphetamine seem to really fuck me up the days after which is why I decided I needed to cold turkey everything for a bit... I'm still gonna count that as a win because technically it was 2 weeks still even though this is day 14 - my last dose of kratom was 2 weeks ago before 7 PM, and I didn't dose any etizolam until after 7 PM today. Actually truth be told I did dose 1mg a few days previously and 5mg diazepam just a few days in but I'm not gonna count those either as they genuinely were for sleep and I don't have a benzo problem. I've also been drinking coffee every day so, fuck, somebody shoot me.

Anyway,

Halfway through my first day of recovery with no stimulant in me except coffee and starting to feel like I might be seriously brain-damaged. Can’t remember anything or construct any kind of a complicated thought. I can’t remember if this feeling of cognitive impairment wears off in time or not. Certainly can’t even think about starting anywork yet. Just have to enjoy the sunshine while things evolve as they will.

This has been my main problem throughout. My concentration is just shot to fuck. Even when I was stacking kratom and modafinil I could barely struggle through 4 or 5 hours of actual work... other positive habits like exercise went out the window. I've recently kinda self diagnosed myself with adult onset ADD which I think may be partially self inflicted... 2 weeks seems not enough for it to get better, for me, today was a real fucking struggle, I've been trying to do positive productivity shit like logging my actions to the minute to see how much fucking time I waste all the time and I managed about 2 hours work in 5-10 minute spurts and probably 10 or 11 hours of vapid bullshit like YouTube, Netflix or just compulsively checking and rechecking the news. Is this normal? Anyone else identify? I hope it gets better but usually it's at this point after my 2 week or month long tolerance break that I'm kinda like ah fuck it, that's enough struggling to do nothing. I mean if I don't make myself do a little work I'll soon lose the luxury of choice and it will be forced on me with something I want to do even less... at the moment I do have a lot I should really be grateful for and feel like I should be able to draw motivation from which I guess I do, but, fuck. /end rant anyway.

It has been a few decades since heavy use but it seems the brain is doing OK with cognitive behaviours/tasks.
Great job I do hope it is not too bad a comedown. Not sure what to even suggest as benzos would probably get ya in a bigger hole unless only used as necessary.

Something I really struggle with, even though I've done it a few times now, is that I actually quite often find benzodiazepines to be somewhat nootropic or focus enhancing in the right dose. Is this something you (or anyone else) experience(s)?

I've taken 10mg diazepam before, earlier, on days like this where I cannot for the life of me make myself concentrate on any of the important shit I need to do, to great effect. Same with 1-2mg etizolam, now and then. Phenibut I guess has a similar effect, but, somehow it's less reliable, and I always end up wanting to stack it with modafinil...

That said If I go more than one or maaaybe 2 days doing this that focus probably does just start blending into a kind of meandering blur where I feel like I'm being productive but in actuality probably am not.

This cultural obsession with productivity which I've somehow internalised but, equally, is kind of impossible to ignore in today's capitalist society for sure is the source of a huge amount of more risky drug use, I'm convinced. But, equally, I do have an aversion to the idea of just being a useless couch potato spending my days snorting huge amounts of ketamine and doing nothing else which I sometimes wonder if I would do left to my own devices for long enough. Everything in balance I guess.

 

[PtahTek]

I actually quite often find benzodiazepines to be somewhat nootropic or focus enhancing in the right dose. Is this something you (or anyone else) experience(s)?

I do, personally. "In the right dose". I am always a bit nervous to suggest anyone try benzos as the WDs can be deadly at worst (or best, depending how one would see it). It is my favorite class of drug and has always been. If I lose anxiety all things become possible and probable.
To use them to get off meth may be jumping from frying pan to fire. Just wouldn't wish this on anyone but dude has experience with them and is apparently holding to use as needed; which I find very encouraging.
Much love, Vastness,
1

 

[Jabberwocky]

Day 2 and I'm feeling very short tempered. Keeping my mouth shut but my mind is full of me telling people to stop fucking me around. No sign of depression or anxiety though just a cranky, cloudy and clearly impaired and frustrated mind. Definitely not my usual chill and cheerful self. Still keeping off the benzos and only took my Rx dose of dexies - may need to take more but don't have any real cravings as yet.

 

[PtahTek]

Day 2

You work today?

 

[Jabberwocky]

You work today?

I did catch up a few emails that required a bit of thinking but that's about it. No serious work. But I work from home so there is no pressure (although maybe a little bit of pressure would make me do some work).

 

[Jabberwocky]

This has been my main problem throughout. My concentration is just shot to fuck. Even when I was stacking kratom and modafinil I could barely struggle through 4 or 5 hours of actual work... other positive habits like exercise went out the window. I've recently kinda self diagnosed myself with adult onset ADD which I think may be partially self inflicted... 2 weeks seems not enough for it to get better, for me, today was a real fucking struggle, I've been trying to do positive productivity shit like logging my actions to the minute to see how much fucking time I waste all the time and I managed about 2 hours work in 5-10 minute spurts and probably 10 or 11 hours of vapid bullshit like YouTube, Netflix or just compulsively checking and rechecking the news. Is this normal? Anyone else identify? I hope it gets better but usually it's at this point after my 2 week or month long tolerance break that I'm kinda like ah fuck it, that's enough struggling to do nothing. I mean if I don't make myself do a little work I'll soon lose the luxury of choice and it will be forced on me with something I want to do even less... at the moment I do have a lot I should really be grateful for and feel like I should be able to draw motivation from which I guess I do, but, fuck. /end rant anyway.

One solution to this problem for ADD people who don't want to take meds is called the Pomodoro technique (can google it, and download an app to help you use it). Basically, you just work in 20 minute bursts and then give your brain a free 5 minutes to do whatever it wants followed by another 20 minute burst of work, 5 minute rest and so on. Then every hour give your brain 15 minutes to do what it wants. Many studies show that although the total time 'working' seems to be reduced, the actual productivity over a few hours is greatly increased for ADD people and makes them competitive with non-ADD people. Trick is to be positive about the little breaks and don't feel guilty about them. It's really easy to do with a phone app that beeps you when to stop, rest and re-start work.

 

[PtahTek]

I'm finding it hard to get motivated recently... well, since covid and the resulting isolation. I mean, three plus months and basically doing nothing but scraping my mind for answers and solutions. Madness. I did acquired a few alpraz and will enjoy it though tomorrow - if I do not get more. I do not think I will but hey.
Glad to hear ya holding out. It's a bitch. Guess trying to fill that time would be kinda nice. It would be (and is) for me. Trying is better than not, IMO. Haha
Speaking of getting motivated: I am def ready to do something, just do not know the right move to make. A job would be nice right now but the number of pretzels keep multiplying and cannot risk the house-hold, ya know? Fuck it, ride or die.
Two days is good, man. Even if ya slip it is an achievement and will build character. Practicing makes it easier. I never say never as I do what I want when I want but knowing I can (and do) turn something down is very rewarding.
Just be you... You got this. Ya tryin'.
Always

 

[Juniper Bruhmomentius]

Used benzos for four years. At max 4mg pharmacy xanor a day. Nowadays got no kindling even after a 3 day binge.

I AM A FUCKING BEAST

 

[Vastness]

One solution to this problem for ADD people who don't want to take meds is called the Pomodoro technique (can google it, and download an app to help you use it). Basically, you just work in 20 minute bursts and then give your brain a free 5 minutes to do whatever it wants followed by another 20 minute burst of work, 5 minute rest and so on. Then every hour give your brain 15 minutes to do what it wants. Many studies show that although the total time 'working' seems to be reduced, the actual productivity over a few hours is greatly increased for ADD people and makes them competitive with non-ADD people.

Thanks, I have heard of the Pomodoro technique before and have tried it (although the version I heard was work for 25 minutes, break for 5... maybe 20/5 would be easier) but unfortunately my self discipline rarely seems to be able to apply even that rigidly structured and in theory quite sensible method. A common theme is that I'll manage work phase 1, 25 minutes, OK cool, now let's chill, but 5 minutes is too short, that stretches into 10 minutes, and before I know it it's been an hour...

Trick is to be positive about the little breaks and don't feel guilty about them. It's really easy to do with a phone app that beeps you when to stop, rest and re-start work.

This sounds sensible, of course I have known it for a while as I'm sure most people do who struggle with motivation/procrastination that beating yourself up about not getting shit done is very rarely helpful, and in fact is actively counterproductive because you just exhaust your already limited reserves of focus on stressing about not being focused, enter negative feedback loop of progressively reduced focus and progressively increased feelings of frustration and mental/psychological exhaustion... but I am really trying to practice the "not giving a fuck" method as much as possible recently... whatever gets done gets done and whatever doesn't doesn't. But of course as ever it's a balancing act, if one doesn't give enough of a fuck one is liable to end up actually fucked after enough time has elapsed. And giving too much of a fuck as we've discussed just leads to stress and eroded focus.

As ever it's a balancing act... and I try to balance listening to motivational stuff from intrinsically motivated hardasses like David Goggins or Jocko Willink with listening to nicer stuff about being kind to yourself and just taking it easy as much as reasonably possible... I'll just say also it's not that I don't want to take meds, it's just I've never been able to get anyone to prescribe me them or even really get to the point that I was seeing a psychiatric professional with the power to prescribe me something. I do prescribe myself stuff fairly regularly though, on and off, today I've been taking measured (or as measured as I can convince myself is still therapeutic) doses of amphetamine and a liiitle phenibut. Some kratom would be good and I did actually take a few doses yesterday but, fuck, I just need to stay away from that shit or at least take it no more often than every few days. It's probably had the most noticeable negative aftereffects of overuse of any drug that I've done, and that is saying a lot, although I'm sure many drugs I have done would have worse effects if I tried to use them as often as I tried to use kratom.

Anyway. That's enough amphetamine fuelled spiel. Much love to y'all as always.

 

[Vastness]

Alright everyone, thought I would post again in this thread since I'm thinking a lot about the topic and it's either that or send a message to my therapist.

Been on a bit of a low key bender since last Friday or so, dosing amphetamine regularly throughout the day. I haven't indulged in basically ANY distraction activities... but I've also stopped doing the other stuff I'm supposed to be doing, ie, making time for focused leisure where I do something useful other than work.

I was in a really good mood up until basically yesterday, today I am kinda fucked again. On paper all is good but I've obviously been overusing the amphet, no free lunches in life. Today I slept like 4 hours in the middle of the day, drank a few beers, took 300mg pregabalin, 1g phenibut, then relented and took a whole bunch of kratom. But I can't erase some kind of unpleasant feeling in my mind.

I guess this is a study of sorts on the dangers of complacency around one's mental health or substance usage habits.

This post is for some reason a bit embarrassing to write. I was doing everything right until the end of last week... on paper, probably, all is still fine too. Today is an off day and maybe I've overfocused on some tasks that could have been done in a more focused way... but otherwise, I guess all is OK. I've been dosing kratom like once a day, only in the afternoon or evening... I could absolutely murder a little ketamine right now. I have some DCK at a different location... but realistically I'm not going to go there just to grab it, it'll be a couple hour trip beating myself up about it the whole time and I know it won't make this imaginary feeling of suffering any better.

Man. The amount of time I've spent writing this post, again, energy I could put to other things.

Hope everyone else is well! I know a few of you have mentioned using amphetamines, whether prescribed or not, to manage various symptoms of whatever or other, the struggle of dealing with life I guess. How do you guys keep it in check? Do you accidentally go a bit overboard from time to time? I mean, I guess, I'm hoping lol that the answer to that last question is obvious... everyone has lapses of self discipline. But how do you manage these moments? How long does it take you to notice and how do you get yourselves oriented back to a good baseline?