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Mental Health Mental Illness Support Thread V. How do you feel?

Guilty and sad. One of my closest friends passed away a few days ago.
 
madness00 said:
Luminaria - are you in contact with your mom?

That's awesome that you got a job in such a time. How is that going so far?
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Yeah, we text each other daily. I really need to voice chat with her more often, but either which way, it doesn't beat being together in person. Now that I'm finally starting to get my feet on the ground I'm hoping to earn enough and visit her once every year or so.

It's been pretty rough. I got hired riiiight as covid started hitting my area so I got super lucky with that. But goddamn! Nearly all of my coworkers are vile. My boss talks to everyone like they have a severe intellectual disability. It's so degrading. It hurts just a little harder because we're all in a small, tightly confined work area so I can't just go elsewhere when they're in a bad mood, and the wounds of the situation I was trapped in are still fresh. The people I used to live with didn't respect me to the point where they refused to use my name - only referring me as she/her. So those buried thoughts of "Why do so many people look down on me? What am I doing wrong? Do I even deserve basic respect?" resurface. Makes me want to hide away again. It's too much and the money isn't worth it.
 
I don't understand why such things happen to good people.

Fuck, give me some of that hurt, i'll take it for you. Only hurt people hurt people, that's sick.

Cool - didn't know you were in contact with her that often! That's awesome. Keep focused on what means the most to you. If you need the money to see your mom, that's just gotta be how it is for now. But no one said you can't shop around for jobs while you're already working, so if you feel like you'd do better in a different environment, then go for it. Hard during the whole corona thing, but life is too short to settle.

And glad you got out of your old living situation.
 
@madness00 Aahh gosh, you're so sweet. Thank you so much 😭 ♥ You're right though, I shouldn't settle for just this. I'll keep searching!
 
Nerve pain is finally gone and no more restless legs at night.

I feel now that my energy has never been more protected. Years of seeking and fighting for control over forces (energetic or corporeal) have turned slightly inward and acceptance and surrender have sort of "tuned" me in. I believe this is what they refer to as Jin (in China) or call the path of least resistance. I recognize it as a balance of both inner and outer struggle. No longer affected as much by the negative emotions of others, I still recognize that they're there and can therefore come up with solutions rather than become overwhelmed by various sensations, without having to be mindful of their influence on me. Though most negative people are easy enough to ignore, certain darker- more persistent forces continue their efforts to try and manipulate me. I've grown to respect this as a part of the natural flow.

It's common knowledge among those who study psychology that people with schizophrenia are more often the victim of violence than a victimizer themselves. Rather than brace all my efforts - and focus - into building up an ego to serve as my protector, I've grown fond of the feeling of being vulnerable because it is much like the feeling of having skin: sensitive and open, but the most important structure of the immune system. The primary defense layer.
 
I hear you schizo.

I was put on a mood stabilizer when homeless, and i was actually happy. Stable. Life keeps getting better.

If i didn't have a run in with the law and kept working at the bank i probably wouldn't know any of you :)
 
Well how are you doing besides drugs, Specified?

Do you have people to talk to IRL?

You can always hit people up online too if you want to talk.

Being high all the time can be draining.
 
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