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Mental Health Mental Illness Support Thread V. How do you feel?

I had a close call with death. Like a dozen of them.

I don't want help at this point. I just want pills and doctors are a hell I cannot put up with.

I take medication so I can function very rarely now. I am going to run out. It is going to suck.

I don't necessarily want to die but do not care if I do. I know I am burning out and can't do much to stop it. I do not feel in control of it.
 
Yeah it goes without saying the "things can get better" thing. But, it's true. It's a lot of work, hard work, to recover from mental illness and to recover from drug abuse/addiction.

I'm learning about not just taking meds and not doing other drugs but making sure I don't take meds that make my other meds not work, or work a lot less.

The abyss is an abyss. There isn't really a safety net when it comes down to being able to do what you need to in order to create and maintain health. I mean there are hospitals, but people don't usually want to end up there.

There are lots of side things people can do which, in the long run, can matter on a very large scale. If I didn't do Yoga and lift, I'd be much less off. I'm also getting my diet under control, and I can already feel the mental stability as a result. I think that self-discovery and self-actualization are very important, too. Except in extreme and rare cases, people deserve to stand up for their person-hood as equal to all others, regardless of socioeconomic status. I think that there are too many things that pull us down in life for us to be our own enemy. I'm still working on this, a lot.

Yeah it's just pure willpower. Not much else to say on a general level.
 
I want to go to a doctor to get benzos but am having too many mental health issues to want to (vulnerability, doctors suck, etc). I don't think I should take medicine "For the sake of other people" but I like positive social interaction.

Even family is suggesting I go back on medicine. :(

I feel defeated, like my disorder/medicine defines me and it makes me very unhappy.
 
I also tend to know doctors think people asking for benzos = drug seeking. Whereas really benzos would eliminate drug seeking behavior for me and doctors are asses to me normally and I am afraid I will get frustrated and say something that will stick in their mind for the rest of their lives.

I get afraid thinking no doctor will believe/trust/care about me because they are vultures picking at our carcasses for money. Like a junkie with a dead junkie next to him, going through his pockets (wouldn't you? = no I wouldn't, but this is a scene from Naked Lunch, explores nature of determinism... etc)
 
Plenty of okay doctors out there. You're pretty expressive and if you showed your pain on your sleeve i think they'd really try to help you.

Medication, for me, is part of life. I absolutely can not go without it. Some people are like that. It takes a long time to figure it all out but don't think that the medication will define you. If it prevents you from feeling like you'd like to feel, that's another thing. But if it genuinely helps or COULD genuinely help, it's worth a shot.
 
madness00 said:
Plenty of okay doctors out there.
Click to expand...
I have only met terrible ones 99% of the time.

No one is going to be able to fix me, anyways. I have to do it and it's going to take a lot of work.

It's like a love/hate relationship with wanting to get better/doctors/medicine/help. I want to just "do it on my own". I guess this is "pride".

Pride is a SIN. And I am a SINNER.
 
It will take a lot of work.

And dude, if someone helping you would better you as a person, make you happy and relieve you from pains, can't we be proud to take their help?

:p
 
madness00 said:
It will take a lot of work.

And dude, if someone helping you would better you as a person, make you happy and relieve you from pains, can't we be proud to take their help?

:p
Click to expand...
In my own words "I like to do everything on my own, myself, I am proud, pride is a sin and I'm a sinner"

...and I get it. I know I need to eat a slice of humble pie almost every waking moment. Too much ego. I get it.

I know.

I would hate me too.

I do hate myself. And I love myself.
 
Yeah, i read that part, IIRC.

Just saying, you can manipulate your view of what pride means to you, if you'd like.

You're in the driver seat.
 
A big part for me was trust in other people. And mutual help, doing good things for others. They not only reciprocate in time, well, usually, but it makes me feel good doing it.

I agree with madness00. There's no easy, silver bullet. Taking meds is the first part of it. Without that, there isn't usually a lot of success. When you have loved ones saying you need meds, then that's another level up from trying meds yourself. It means things have gotten so that it has spread from you to outward and reached them, and they see outward signs of something that they think should be improved on.

I didn't see a reason in your posts for the roller-coaster of emotions that you describe, so maybe you're on something other than benzos and dabs? Because those two don't produce tons of negative energy and what appears to be confusion and upset like I interpret from your other posts...

It really can start today if you want. After time spent doing right by yourself, you can see how others will have a higher opinion of you, and will feel like they can be closer to you. They have a perspective that we can never see.
 
madness00 said:
You're in the driver seat.
Click to expand...
I'm really not. I do believe in hard determinism. It's a reality I live in.

I realize I have been slowly killing myself for over a decade. I don't know how much longer I can go on, nor do I care.

Thank you for being the best friend I have here for being you man. Always be true to yourself, don't change for anyone unless you really want to. <3
 
Captain.Heroin said:
I feel defeated, like my disorder/medicine defines me and it makes me very unhappy.
Click to expand...

I would say that NOT getting treatment that you need (whatever that is) defines you if you let it. I don't think being medicated has to define you. Nobody would say that someone with diabetes is defined by the fact they have diabetes and have to take medication for it, so why should mental health be any different? You're only defined by your disorder if you let yourself be, and anyone that judges someone for taking medication isn't worth knowing in the first place imo.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
I want to go to a doctor to get benzos but am having too many mental health issues to want to (vulnerability, doctors suck, etc). I don't think I should take medicine "For the sake of other people" but I like positive social interaction.

Even family is suggesting I go back on medicine. :(

I feel defeated, like my disorder/medicine defines me and it makes me very unhappy.
Click to expand...

Captain H, what is your diagnosis if I may? Mine are Panic Disorder, Opioid Use Disorder, and as of a recent honest session, PTSD.

I am medication noncompliant. The only psych med I take is Thorazine and sometimes I weasel a benzo out of an unwitting doctor, but last time I burned through a script of 90 1mg Alprazolam in 4 days and woke up in jail (criminal tampering), I gave it up. I wish there were a benzo in an injectable polymer suspension because I simply do not trust myself with them.

You know, man, I do not have any friends out in the "real world". None. I know that I have not been active on BL in recent years, and every time I log in and read the shrine I get sick. I had tell my psychiatrist a while back of one friend and I said you. You are one cool motherfucker and I hope you know that you can lean on me if you ever have anything pressing on your mind.
 
jackie jones said:
Captain H, what is your diagnosis if I may? Mine are Panic Disorder, Opioid Use Disorder, and as of a recent honest session, PTSD.

I am medication noncompliant. The only psych med I take is Thorazine and sometimes I weasel a benzo out of an unwitting doctor, but last time I burned through a script of 90 1mg Alprazolam in 4 days and woke up in jail (criminal tampering), I gave it up. I wish there were a benzo in an injectable polymer suspension because I simply do not trust myself with them.

You know, man, I do not have any friends out in the "real world". None. I know that I have not been active on BL in recent years, and every time I log in and read the shrine I get sick. I had tell my psychiatrist a while back of one friend and I said you. You are one cool motherfucker and I hope you know that you can lean on me if you ever have anything pressing on your mind.
Click to expand...

Yeah i fuckin' love CH.

In my own world, getting a bit worried about the vernal equinox coming up. If history repeats itself, i'll get pretty manic. Hope i don't have to go inpatient - hoping my lamictal 400 and vraylar will hold me down.
 
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