Mental Health Mental Illness Support Thread V. How do you feel?

[anonymouse77]

Very blue. Lost $100 trying to acquire kratom a few weeks ago and now run out of all prescribed medications that offer some relief like Lyrica, Duromine, etc. Broke and sick of going to doctors to try to be prescribed something.

 

[stardust10]

happy birthday to me

Aww I really hope you have a nice birthday pamper yourself

I'm just sick of being sick today I just want to get on with my life, get my detox get in to rehab, hopefully find out what's going on with my ticker, study and earn some real money- sick of being skint all the time. Lost my job as well a few weeks or so ago in fact I've lost track of time I canny even remember what day it is never mind what week, well I actually quit. Gonna have to get some money and dunno how I get ESA but that is nothing with the amount of booze I'm on. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

 

[on.my.way🌿]

Okay, that sucks.
Im going to get pregabalin tomorrow actually. The withdrawals are over but life is still shit. Sitting at the station crying and waiting for my doctors appointment in half an hour. I have to go back to the apartment and hang out with my cats after the appointment but im dreading going back there. The sun isnt even out and its fucking windy and cold outside. Not a good day today.
I thought about this a lot since my post about being lonely, know I shouldnt say im that alone since I have my family but yeah missing having friends especially today

 

[on.my.way🌿]

For all my life i've had the feeling of trying to keep my head above the water, just trying to make it trough while waiting for better times. I wonder if that ever goes away. Not having the best day.
The little kid next door just came over asking to play football with my ex husband. He got so sad when I told him that he had moved. And now im crying again man i hate this

Some positive things though:
- Got extended sick leave
- Talked with my landlord, got lowered rent instead of moving bc the other place wouldnt work for the cats

 

[on.my.way🌿]

Im in the city now, just bought loads of benso and lyrica. 900 mg and 2 mg xanax later I can finally breathe again. Was planning on taking the bus home now but I cant fucking stand being in the apartment so ill probably stay an hour and get something to eat or something..

Imagine spending almost every day for almost 3 years with a person that is your best and only friend.. then imagine that you can no longer talk AT ALL to that person ever again (bc of his religion). Im fucking heartbroken even though i did no longer have romantic feelings for my ex husband this has hit me harder than I thought. Constantly on the verge of crying and it physically hurts my fucking heart. Great now im crying in public again like a fucking freak i hate this

 

[Juniper Bruhmomentius]

Went manic from 2 night no sleep and a handful of benzos and fucked up an relationship with an old friend. Now he dont wanna see me ever again. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

 

[on.my.way🌿]

@schizopath Im so sorry to hear that. I hope you are feeling a bit better now.
Maybe he.will change his mind.
Did he know at the moment that you had mania and had taken bensos?

 

[Juniper Bruhmomentius]

He didnt. But I fucked up majorly and understand his decision.

 

[on.my.way🌿]

Oh okay. And you dont think he will forgive you if you tell him about the mania and benso? Or maybe that just makes it worse?


Maybe write him a handwritten letter sometime in the future when things are settling down

 

[on.my.way🌿]

Im not doing great. An hour totally sober feels like drowning. Lost count on how many days ive taken bensos, dont know if its 2 or 6. Im as lonely as ever. Breaking into a thousand tiny pieces.

 

[on.my.way🌿]

My dealer wanted to meet tonight. And as im famous for bad decisions I invited him home to me. My neighbor is kindof my private bodyguard though so not to scared anything bad will happen. At least I.wont have to spend the.night alone in my apartment.

Guys, im sorry for spewing out my whole life in this thread all the time. You wont have to when that profile posting thing gets working.

 

[stardust10]

That's it's started again. It is an abuse cycle then... I just thought a fresh start would have done us good but it's as if he has been waiting to strike at the right time.... What have I become I used to be happy-go-lucky and positive. Oh well day in bed for me as been sapped of all energy. Really hard to function when your man is in your face psychotically screaming in your face so loud I think I'm gonna go death. He won't mark me because he doesn't wanna go back to jail even although I probably wouldn't get him done e.g. Didn't the last time he nearly bit my lip off it felt like I can still feel the scar inside my mouth, he also dragged me by the hair. I told him my dad had done that to me as well (I found out after we had been going out for a couple years he had CS for a previous domestic with his ex - the police told me, turned up at my door one day wish they'd told me earlier). Then when he failed to turn up at his CS (community service) he was remanded for a month and I went to visit him every week.

I hardly even drank much last night as well I had half a bottle of vodka and left it at that. Now I just want to take all my diazepam and get steaming and it's only 11.11

I know I have my problems but I try to keep my music down at night and I'm not an aggressive drunk or anything. He likes me blackout drunk so he can do what he wants with me e.g. steal off me, then the next day shout at me....
Then suck up my bum if he wants something...
And me like the idiot that I've become give in because I'm so sick of everything,
want an easy life in that moment and scared to be alone deep down.
It's like even the possibility of leaving him seems too much as that would be one big hassle/worry of itself due to the suicide threats/hitting himself an shouting and making me feel like everything's my fault. I obviously can't make him happy. I feel like shit.

I'll say it once as well cause I've been thinking a lot about it but I don't wanna think about it but I've been feeling a bit suicidal as if I was just waiting for shit to hit the fan and now it has I'm really sick of this to the point I wish my family didn't love me so I could just end it all. Any future pain grievance etc etc I wouldn't need to feel it or fear feeling it anymore. It's just really difficult to do that to my mum.

I suppose il wait it out for my heart monitor coming next week and hopefully nothing else comes back - ECG was slightly off last time. I've got to take it easy and stress free just now lmao he knows

I have to pretend all the time so as not to worry my family as well which is a mind fuck.


.... Edit decided fuckit I'm gonna be rough tomorrow though

 

[LordOfThisWorld]

Fucking benso withdrawals as well and it's my birthday tomorrow but no party bc im alone af, spending the day at my mothers place. To depressed to do anything besides reading today and barely have the energy for that. Feels like I have a fever but probably just from crying LOL happy birthday to me

Happy belated Birthday on.my.way, I know how you and others on here feel, my anxiety has been through the roof, I'm doing a telehealth thing with a counselor for the first time today, because of the pandemic he's not doing office visits yet, I don't even know where to start, my anxiety has gotten so bad I get up during the night and have to take a benzo just to relax my nerves and I'm trying to cut back on taking them.

I just can't take basic normal things in life anymore, I feel worthless and especially at work, like my coworkers thinks I'm stupid or too dumb to do the job, I've been working there for about 5 months and the training is horrible, and I start thinking people are thinking, hey this guy is too stupid to do his job, I know it's all mentally and I try to tell myself not to care or over worry about the job or what people are thinking, but it doesn't work, my mind goes into overdrive, and I'm hoping this clinical psychologist as he's called helps with my worries and panic attacks.

Sometimes I just can't take the feeling of dread and have to take more benzos then I'm prescribed, which I don't like to do because then I have to go a day like on the weekends not taking any so I don't run out, I'm afraid to ask my doctor to increase my dosage, I've been taking them for about two years on the same dosage and ambien to sleep, which that is starting to not have any affect to help me sleep, because the anxiety hurts so bad in my chest I have to get up and take a benzo just to calm me down.

I feel like life just isn't secure and sometimes ask myself why am I hear and allowing myself to suffer.

 

[LordOfThisWorld]

Im in the city now, just bought loads of benso and lyrica. 900 mg and 2 mg xanax later I can finally breathe again. Was planning on taking the bus home now but I cant fucking stand being in the apartment so ill probably stay an hour and get something to eat or something..

Imagine spending almost every day for almost 3 years with a person that is your best and only friend.. then imagine that you can no longer talk AT ALL to that person ever again (bc of his religion). Im fucking heartbroken even though i did no longer have romantic feelings for my ex husband this has hit me harder than I thought. Constantly on the verge of crying and it physically hurts my fucking heart. Great now im crying in public again like a fucking freak i hate this

So sorry to hear what you are going through, but I can relate, glad you got something to help your feelings, I know how that goes, my anxiety is pounding so hard through my chest right now, and I have to leave for work soon, I'm going to have to take something to calm my nerves, and I'm drinking coffee, which I have to,because it's what I do when I get up and that worsens my nerves because of the caffeine.

 

[on.my.way🌿]

So sorry to hear what you are going through, but I can relate, glad you got something to help your feelings, I know how that goes, my anxiety is pounding so hard through my chest right now, and I have to leave for work soon, I'm going to have to take something to calm my nerves, and I'm drinking coffee, which I have to,because it's what I do when I get up and that worsens my nerves because of the caffeine.

Have you tried meditation? That was the only thing that could calm my inner voice.
There are guided meditations on YouTube that you can.watch.
I just wanna give you a hug I know how it feels..

 

[LordOfThisWorld]

Depression is hitting really hard right now. I have 0 energy and I can barely get out of bed because I feel so physically sick, and I have to be at work in an hour and a half and just the thought of that makes me want to burst into tears. Life feels so bleak and everything seems so pointless so why do I even bother with anything? If only I had some opioids or dissociatives I could make myself feel decent enough to go to work...

I know how you feel, I feel like that everyday, I'm sorry you have to be going through this, I get up everyday with a pain in my chest from anxiety.

Have you tried counseling? I did yesterday for the first time, and my counselor said he's going to help me with coping skills and how to deal with these emotions, I'm curious to see how this is going to work, I had to do it as I needed someone to talk to,my mind is my own worst enemy.

I hope things get better for you SAT4N, try talking to a clinical Psychologist, maybe they can help you and refer you to a psychiatrist that can prescribe you meds.

 

[LordOfThisWorld]

Have you tried meditation? That was the only thing that could calm my inner voice.
There are guided meditations on YouTube that you can.watch.
I just wanna give you a hug I know how it feels..

No I have never tried meditation, I started my sessions with my counselor yesterday, he said he is going to help me with coping skills, breathing exercises and such.

Thank you for your kindness, that is really nice of you, I'm glad this thread exists where we can support one another.

I know I'm kind of new to this thread, but I would like to get to know you all and also help comfort you all, the feeling of dread has lead me to some crazy thoughts.

 

[LordOfThisWorld]

That's it's started again. It is an abuse cycle then... I just thought a fresh start would have done us good but it's as if he has been waiting to strike at the right time.... What have I become I used to be happy-go-lucky and positive. Oh well day in bed for me as been sapped of all energy. Really hard to function when your man is in your face psychotically screaming in your face so loud I think I'm gonna go death. He won't mark me because he doesn't wanna go back to jail even although I probably wouldn't get him done e.g. Didn't the last time he nearly bit my lip off it felt like I can still feel the scar inside my mouth, he also dragged me by the hair. I told him my dad had done that to me as well (I found out after we had been going out for a couple years he had CS for a previous domestic with his ex - the police told me, turned up at my door one day wish they'd told me earlier). Then when he failed to turn up at his CS (community service) he was remanded for a month and I went to visit him every week.

I hardly even drank much last night as well I had half a bottle of vodka and left it at that. Now I just want to take all my diazepam and get steaming and it's only 11.11

I know I have my problems but I try to keep my music down at night and I'm not an aggressive drunk or anything. He likes me blackout drunk so he can do what he wants with me e.g. steal off me, then the next day shout at me....
Then suck up my bum if he wants something...
And me like the idiot that I've become give in because I'm so sick of everything,
want an easy life in that moment and scared to be alone deep down.
It's like even the possibility of leaving him seems too much as that would be one big hassle/worry of itself due to the suicide threats/hitting himself an shouting and making me feel like everything's my fault. I obviously can't make him happy. I feel like shit.

I'll say it once as well cause I've been thinking a lot about it but I don't wanna think about it but I've been feeling a bit suicidal as if I was just waiting for shit to hit the fan and now it has I'm really sick of this to the point I wish my family didn't love me so I could just end it all. Any future pain grievance etc etc I wouldn't need to feel it or fear feeling it anymore. It's just really difficult to do that to my mum.

I suppose il wait it out for my heart monitor coming next week and hopefully nothing else comes back - ECG was slightly off last time. I've got to take it easy and stress free just now lmao he knows

I have to pretend all the time so as not to worry my family as well which is a mind fuck.


.... Edit decided fuckit I'm gonna be rough tomorrow though

So sorry you have to go through this iTry91, if I may ask, I'm new to this thread, why stay with someone like that?

 

[stardust10]

Thanks ^
I dunno I guess I'm a hopeless romantic/stupid/weak/scared/lonely/insecure etc etc so yeah I'm in a great place haha. and it's been a journey to say the least. I know I sound/I can be a self-centred person but I have been through a lot (obviously there has been worse) but a lot of traumatic experiences that have led me to this point. We met whilst homeless and off our tits I had just been thrown out of my family's after briefly moving in with them after another traumatic event with my ex which I can't really think about just now lol.
Things got better for a year or so then worse again. I'm a hopeful person. That's probably why I've stayed 5years. He has just started getting mental health help though so I'm trying to formulate a plan which will benefit us both.
I should leave him I just don't feel strong enough and I don't want him to actually follow through with his threats of suicide. I feel suicidal myself sometimes though and my physical health is suffering/future plans to study nursing have kids etc ....so it's getting to a point but I'm still stuck. Love has no logic but I should treat myself better.

I hope you are feeling ok?

 

[Zephyn]

Shitty